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March 26, 2008

In Regards to "BED: A True Story"

So, I have to say that in the just over 24 hours since I first posted "BED: A True Story" I've gotten such amazing responses.

I've gotten more feedback from this "ramble" alone than anything else I've written, even if it's just someone saying that they are praying for who I wrote this for or that they themselves can relate, or that I opened their eyes to something they never knew existed.

"BED" was obviously very personal to me, something I debated upon actually posting or not since I wrote it back in late December.

I think the fact that I wrote in the memo "this is for a girl I love with my whole heart, whether she knows it or not" and the fact that I'm telling you this is completely and totally an autobiographical piece speaks volumes.

But in the spirit of open explanation, I'll spell it out in layman's terms.

"BED" is about me.

I wrote that it was for a girl I love, because I do love myself.

Deep down I know I'm beautiful, somewhere, but I think that more often times than not, I forget that I truely do love myself.

The subtitle states "A True Story" because that's exactly what it is. I fabricated nothing when I wrote this two days before Christmas. It honestly spawned from that concert I saw and what the lead singer said, because it resonated with me so much.

Not necessarily because I'm an Atheist (which I don't claim to be) but simply because everyone should believe in something, and that made me wonder; what exactly do I believe in?

So, I wrote that and it sat in my "unposted" section for months.

I was far too scared to post it, afraid it would make it too real for I hadn't yet told anyone in my life about it. I haven't even spoken the words "I have a binge eating disorder" outloud, for fear that the reality of it all would crush me.

But, I've recently hit rock bottom.

I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and am at constant threat to Diabetes. I already have insulin resistance, I'm already at risk.

PCOS in and of itself is a horrible thing. It causes me to skip periods, excess hair growth and infertility. PCOS in itself makes me feel like I'm less of a woman because of what it does to my body. The threat of Diabetes scares me, and the fact that I have Hashimoto's Disease (an irregularly slow metabolism) doesn't help at all.

Obviously, these are things that I don't broadcast but like I said - I recently hit rock bottom.

I sat kneeled infront of the toilet for forty-five minutes last Friday night, the toothbrush shaking so bad it clanked against my teeth, and all I could make myself do was gag.

I was scared.

That was when I decided I needed to do something, when one of my closest friends in the entire world threatened my life if I ever tried it again, and one of my other friends really understood me and I realized just how much I love both of them.

Even if they live all the way in Illinois and Boston.

So, I think that it also speaks volumes when I say that not only did I write "BED" for myself, but that I posted it for these girls. In my own way I was finally telling the world what was wrong with me and letting my secret out.

I need help, I know that I do. And I'm going to try to find that help.

The next step is to tell my four best friends, and to tell my parents.

Chuck Palahniuk once said "the only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open." That's what I did when I posted "BED," I laid myself open raw for all of you guys.

I really can't tell you how amazing it feels that you've all welcomed me with open arms, told my you can relate, or simply that you're thinking of me.

What I need right now is a strong support system and knowing that I have you guys along with my other friends and, soon, my family is amazing.

I want you all to know that I've read every single message I've gotten in response to "BED" and that almost all of them have made me cry, or at the very least pulled at my heart strings.

I want to thank you guys for just being there.

I'm going to get help, now, because I desperately need it and I ask only that you keep thinking of me or praying for me, because I can promise that this will not be easy and I can tell you all that I am scared out of my mind, but I know I need to face this.

Thank you all, so much.

Peace & love,
-Ace.

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