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Latest Journal Entry

July 29, 2006

I can't believe I did this...I'm so fucking stupid!!

Last night, after I wrote in my Quizilla journal I went into my room and sat on my bed and wrote in my writing journal that's basically the book of my my life since the beginning of grade nine. Anyway, I usually write in it 2+ times a day, and it's very important to me, and at the back there's this little pocket thing and I keep all these little things in there, like letters and other things.

Anyway...so I wrote in that journal, and I had been thinking about Christmas, so I started writing about this past Christmas, and how I cut for the first time over Christmas break. Then I cut myself everyday until about March, and then I just stopped because a) I was so scared of someone finding out, and b) I was afraid somethingreally bad would actually happened. So I was writing about it, and the entry was two pages long and when I read over it I started crying. So I went into my bathroom, and went into my personal drawer and I have this little trinket box in there, and one of the things I keep in there is the razor I used to cut with.

So I took it back into my room, and stared at it, still crying.

Then I started cutting at my wrist again...at first it was just a few slits, then I started carving in this broken heart with stitches on it...then I carved these little stars around and carved in the word "Broken". I just stared at it for a few seconds, tears just spilling down my face...then it actually hit me what I had done, and I ran into the bathroom. I cleaned the cuts up a bit, and put a band-aid over the broken heart. Then I went into my room and put on this little cloth wristband thing, and changed my shirt to a long-sleeve shirt.

I can't believe I cut again!! I feel like a total fucking stupid whore who can't control her emotions!!!! And it's the middle of summer...wearing long-sleeves everyday will look suspicious....*sigh* oh well...I have loads of bracelets I can wear and stuff, with my wristband cloth...god I'm fucking stupid...

In better news, I'm going with my sister tonight to watch her get a tattoo started! Me, her, my mom and her best friend Athena. I'm actually really excited! I want a tattoo so bad...I'll probably wait until I'm 18, though, or 16 when I've stopped growing. My sister is getting a set of devil wings on her back. It's going to be so pretty!

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