pdog22's Journal

I'll miss them when their gone...

May 30th....
Last Day for Seniors @ school...
i didn't cry... wasn't upset
i was okay till 7th block...
he wasn't there...

I'll miss them when their gone...

get in class.... my bff isn't there
she's sick... okay i can deal...
but rabbit didn't show...
he had an appointment?
bull frog...

I'll miss them when their gone...

tardy bell...
where's willy?
not here...
totally in depressive mode....
got my iPod turned on screamo
and sat in silence.....
is this howz its gona b?
then i don't want chorus again...

I'll miss them when their gone...

out of nowhere....
he comes back....
happy then...
2:10 rolls around..
they leave.... sad now...

I'll miss them when their gone...

its the last time ill see them walk
throught that door....
last time i hug them goodbye
last time i laughwith them...
the last time... the last time
i see my only love...

I'll miss them when their gone...

I'll miss Willy
I'll miss Rabbit
I'll miss Pineapple!!!

Good Luck boys!
Do well...
Make us proud...
I'll be here when you return...

BUT . . .

I'll miss you when you're gone...

Oh my gosh....
my ex crush totally pinch me today....

I'M OVER HIM?
i guess not... >.<

no no no... not just any pinch
not on the hand or the cheek
or the arm or leg.... no....
this boy pinched my ass!!!!

I'M OVER HIM?
i guess not... >.<

i was surprised...
he has never done that...
little happy little confused a little aroused...
but i kept my cool... i played it off...

I'M OVER HIM?
i guess not... >.<

that's all it took.....
a pinch....
just a pinch was all it took
to reel me in again....
into his intoxicating personality....
he's my personal high andi just got
a wiff of that and im high as a kite...
im definitely chasing a dragon....
im a heliumballoon and not even the sky
will hold me down to how high my cloud 9 is...

I'M OVER HIM?
i guess not... >.<

Some things are better left unsaid...

Dima left for Ukraine today
He's like the best foreign xchange student ever
We were really good friends & he made me feel spesh

I said goodbye....
I didn't tell him that Iwanted him to stay...
I justlet him walk away from me...
I said goodbye and have a nice flight...

Some things are better left unsaid...

I have mixed emotions about *"Maxy"
He's so sweet and caring...
and mos def a gentlemen...
the kind of boy you bring home to daddy!!!
I spent an hour & half hours with him.....
we laugh we played games... we just chilled
we just had an load of fun.... just me and Maxy

But I didn't tell him i liked him....
I didn't tell him my feelings for him
were mixed up but.... its just something
you can't explain.... i just know in my gut
I have feelings for him.....
i could seriously see myself with him
I want to let myself go and like him
but its just so confusing idk what 2do.....

Some things are better left unsaid...

Then theres the other boy... *"Jon"
the one I liked along time ago...
we stil flirt and he just does some things
that don't add up to me... i mean he's all....
possesive and flirty and makes me feel spesh
but the relationship isn't going any where...

I didn't tell him i might have feelings for him...
Ididn't tell him i still would wait for you if you say so...
Ididn't say anything i just gave him that flirty stare...
& took it like the big girl I am...

Some things are better left unsaid...

My life is one big circle of confusion...
Its one vicious circle that I don't want to travel anymore
I'm fed up with feeling tired and confused
I'm fed up with crying every night becase I can't figure it out...
I'm fed up with being alone and dismissed

Guys now a days jut want a good one night stand....
Their not up for a relationship....
They want their girl prim and proper....
Worshipping the ground they walk on...
Someone that gives them their every desire
and of course.... has the BANGING body....

I don't have that...
I am capable of being everything they want
but they never give me a chance...

Some things are better left unsaid...

{ * = names concealed to protect the nosey... -fake laugh-}

Suffolk is completely gone...
my friends are okay...
but some are left in the cold...

Monday, April 28, 2008 a tornado hit my city....
we're trying to pick up the pieces but it gona be hard...
schools are closed.... roads are blocked off....
neighborhoods are demolished... & torn apart....
hospitals are backed up so many peopled are injured....
the only shelter is my high school for ppl in need.... 
Pray that we will be able to bounce back from this...
This is a state of emergancy for Suffolk...

I can't believe im saying this....
but... i wish we were in school right now...
that way I can make sure that my friends are okay....
I want things to be normal again.....

So again its wutev...

im still sick...
thats okay

I go to school @ 12
thats nice...

i get to see my daughters
thats good

i get to see the guy i used like that doesnt like me back...
thats bad...

i might run in with the guy i wana kill...
thats terrible

i get to spend a block w/the lil boy im fighting with
that called me fake and wishy washy and two faced and a bitch...
(basically he called me everything im not)
thats even more terrible

and i have to face my psych teacher...
that horrible....

So again its wutev...
my life is solely based on wutev
and im hungry but there's nothing
in the cupboards to eat...

So again its totally wutev....

I am totally missin out today!!!
I'm missing my MJ and Candy... T.T (i cry now)
I'm missing chorus class....
I'm missin Psych...but im glad...

--clasp hands like a 5yro.--

I'm just missin alot!!!!
MJ i so sick its not funn!!!
but I will be there tomorrow..
you kno me cant miss Espanol!
or my History class...although i sleep!!
lol...oh & Candy....
hows about tellin him how you feel? mmmm

Oh ps...I did another one shot..
I'll do another one l8r today..
but right now...the couch is callin me
& my head hurts...peaceums yall!!

So..
Tinker Bell & I
became bffs yesterday...
so i was cramping a little...
some ppl wanted to try my patience
& a snapped back...i mean i snapped...
i was like a diff person...

So..
I was sassy snippy & bitchy...
nothing new right...
but more so than ever..
for no reason at all....
i cried...
for no reason at all..
i was sadd....
for no reason at all...
i was bitchy all day..
for no reason at all...
i was pityfull...

So...
I came home friday..
I was sick...
& i mean sick..
101.6 fever...
body convulsions cause I was freezing
running nose watery eyes..
monsterous headache...
worse heartache in the world...
[[MJ & Candy you know y]]
so i conked out on my couch watching finding nemo...
i got worse until my dad came home..
he gave me some meds & sent me to bed..
i came waking up in the middle of the night
kinda made me mad....but i was okey dokey...

So...
today im still on my period..
im still sickish...
i want to throw up...
but i cant...
& i still have this killer headache..
& heartache...
what are you guys gona do with me? [[MJ & Candy & Ellybelly]]
im just so pityfull!!! & untamable so yeah..
thats my weekend so far...seems ahhmazing dont it!!!
i know im living it... lol

TO ME SHE's AWESOME!!!
TO ME SHE's THE GREATEST!!!
TO ME SHE's MY MIDNIGHT JASMINE!!!

She's doing to much..
She's being pushed to hard...
She's gona break soon...
why can't she be a kid?

TO ME SHE's AWESOME!!!
TO ME SHE's THE GREATEST!!!
TO ME SHE's MY MANDY CANDY!!

She's the pretty girl...
She's the cute one...
She's my lil almost emo child....
Why can't she just be herself
around everbody?
Why can't she tell the person she likes
that she likes him?

TO ME SHE's AWESOME!!!
TO ME SHE's THE GREATEST!!!
TO ME SHE's MY ELLY BELLY!!!

She's adorable....
She's soft spoken...
She's the pretty awesome fawesome one...
but she never tells me how she really feels...
How am I supposed to comfort her if idk?





WHY OH WHY CAN'T I JUST TAKE THEIR PAIN AWAY...
HOW COME I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT?...
WHY DOES IT SEEM THAT I ALWAYS LEAVE SOMEONE OUT???
I DON'T EVER MEAN TO...I'VE GOT SO MUCH IN THIS BRAIN OF MINE....
I DONT' EVER NOTICE AND ITS NOT INTENTIONAL...HONEST!!!
I ALWAYS END UP HURTING SOMEBODY OR MAKING THEM MAD AT ME...
IM SORRY...IM SORRY!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?? IM SORRY!!!
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE FRIENDS CAUSE I ALWAYS HURT SOMEONE...
YEA THATS IT...I WON'T HAVE FRIENDS SO I WONT HURT ANYONE...
NEVER.....EVER....NEVER.....EVER....EVER.....EVER AGAIN!!!


TO ME THEIR AWESOME!!!
TO ME THEIR THE GREATEST!!!
TO ME THEIR MY DAUGHTERS!!!

ITS WHATEV!!!

thats my mood...

ITS WHATEV!!!

my bff is pissing me off...
im worried about my girls...
especially Roo....
& now Piglet is actin funky..
mayb its her cold...but i doubt it

ITS WHATEV!!!

my prince is no longer my prince...
im okay with that...its simply

WHATEV!!!


I miss my boo from burg...
& all my friends in burg...
i miss my sister..
thank god she's home 2morrow!!!
yess!!! & shes here the whole week..
but back to the arse...

ITS WHATEV!!!



he dont wana talk to me..
he hates how i "handles" stuff...
hates that im "wishy washy"...
hates that im 2 faced...
he hates im a big *itchy??
oh okay...ill give him wishy washy..
ill show him two faced....
oh ill show him what a real *itch is!!
and it wont be pretty...
he called me those things...
i'll be the biggest *itch you ever did see...

ITS WHATEV!!!

Moma's on a VENDETTA...
& it starts and ends with Kenneth A. Byrd...
she's gona raise all Haiti....
she's gona open the Pandora's Box
she's gona lay his arse out...
she's got the speech...
just let it come out....
but you know the story...

ITS WHATEV!!!

Why is he such a prick?
I don't care cause you know..


WHATEV!!!

OKAY...
so i've been stuck
on the same boy
for the past 4yrs....

"...unrequitted love is such a bore.."

he's leaving Aug. 13th...
so there's no point in becoming
involved since he leaves so soon...
but i love this boy...
you dont even know...

but last summer...
i met this ahhmazing boy...
this boy is like the absolute best...
i love him to pieces...
he's sweet and cute and funny...

"...unrequitted love is such a bore.."

but...idk what to do...
but...im not gona sweat it...
but...im comfused...

is my heart giving me
mixed signals or are my
emotions just givin me a
run for my patience?

right now... i dont care...
right now... im just gona
live each day like its my last..
right now... im not gona worry
about what could happen...
no...im gona live for the present..
cause...



and that's my motto!!
Booyahkasha to that!!! ;D

Life is getting
harder & harder
& harder & harder
to deal with...umpf..

Life is getting
more & more
& more & more
complicated...ugh..

Life is getting
harder & more
ridiculous w/each passing day

My life....
is hard..
its stupid..
I HATE IT!!..

but I have people
to live for...
"...sometimes life is not worth
living anymore but there are
people in your life worth living for..."
i have only a few....

--My sister
--Lindsey
--William
--Mandy
--Sammi
--Rodney
--Ellen
--Brooke
--Robert
--Playboy Bunny (lol yes even him)
>>>>>(in that order)<<<<<

Life is stupid
Life is complicated
Life is hard
Life is just WHATEV!!

right now...
i'm just living for them
and on a whim & a prayer..
i hope nothing drastic happens
before I leave for college..
cause if i could have it my way...
i'd be on the first plane to France
to live with my godparents until i figure
out what i want to do with my life..
i already know but just live in peace
from my parents so i can be sure this
is what i want to do...

maybe i should go to OH...
maybe i should just go there first..
forget college...i can just live w/a family
for the rest of my life..& live with my LindsaROO
for the rest of my life and become a hip old maid..
yeah....maybe i should do that...
maybe i should go....
maybe i should just leave....

I really do.....
seriously & a feel like a
lost puppy when im not with him...
he doesn't know what he's doing to me...



Midnight Jasmine...
unrequitted love is such a bore!!!

Why can't he see whats in front of him..
Why can't he see that i'd do anything 4him...
Why can't he be my everything & vice versa...
Why can't he see I would kill to be his?
Why.. oh why is he doing this to me...
Why can't he see I would do anything for him?



My heart aches for him...
My heart longs for him...
He's like a candy i can't have..
like a high i can't shake off...
He's the one thing i won't stop
longing for...because there's nothing like
a first love...
a first love to shatter your heart...
a first love to make you long for more...
a first love to kill you slowly....



Why can't he see whats in front of him..
Why can't he see that i'd do anything 4him...
Why can't he be my everything & vice versa...
Why can't he see I would kill to be his?
Why.. oh why is he doing this to me...
Why can't he see I would do anything fof him?

[[literally]]


"Is anybody out there? HELLO EMPTY WORLD!?"

does anybody care...?
do they never listen...?
does anybody care at all...?
do they hear me...?
do they really care....?
do they feel my pain...?
do they care at all?
do they care at all?
do they really care at all...?
is this the end to everything we know..?
is this the end of who i am?....?

"MY WORLD HAS SHATTERED"
like this heart of mine...

"MY WORLD HAS SHATTERED"
like these dreams of mine....

"MY WORLD HAS SHATTERED"
like this mind of mine...

"MY WORLD HAS SHATTERED"
completely & utterly shattered...
to bits & pieces like a wine bottle
to concrete floor....eeeeeek!!

why cant i have my pound cake?
my black bear??
why cant i just live my life?
why does if have to be all about...
ugh...school & success??
money....love....
why......why
WHY......WHY!!!
WHY OH FRIGGIN WHY?

just leave me alone..
im done with this...
i hate this life of mine...

oh my midnight jasmine...
if only you knew..
if only you could feel this like i...
if only you were here with me..
if only you knew....

"Is anybody out there?.....

does anybody care...?
do they never listen...?
does anybody care at all...?
do they hear me...?
do they really care....?
do they feel my pain...?
do they care at all?
do they care at all?
do they really care at all...?
is this the end to everything we know..?
is this the end of who i am....?

GOODBYE EMPTY WORLD!?"

Yeah so today was...
VALENTINE'S DAY..

so naturally I was like...

"One russian rollette please!"

I had a whole bunch of crap goin on..
i wasn't feeling good....
i was madd...WAY pissed...
i didnt have the one i wanted
as a valentine...i had a test i stressin about..
which i know that i know i bombed...
and my day didn't start off too good either..
and i was just so...ugh...pissed..
then on top of that i missed my sister..
whos in college like friggin 5hrs away...
that i havent seen since like her xmas break...
and then my bff went home sick so i was worried about her..

and then there was HIM...
the ahhhmazing guy i have ever
had the privelage of sharing breathing space with....
oh..wow i wished he really was mine...

i was more of...



kinda thing...
but he did the unthinkable..

HE MADE SURE I WAS OKAY...



HE cared for me today..
HE cared for me & my feelings..
HE made me feel special!!

SERIOUSLY....



HOW sweet could you get?
HOW anymore ahhmazing could you get?

SERIOUSLY....
could he be mine?
would he be mine?
i want him to be mine!!!
he should be mine!!!

HE HAS TO BE MINE!! :D

Everything usually is...
Everything is fucked up here...



She's crying...
--I'm crying...
She's upset..
--I'm upset..

"One russian rollette please."



We need it more over here...
We need a tub of ice cream here...
We nedd kleenex over here....



But no..
We are going to be better..
We are going to be snazzy...
We are going to be INDEPENDENT...

WE WILL FEEL BETTER!!!!

I LOVE MY MIDNIGHT JASMINE!!!
I WANT HER HAPPY..
I WANT HER SNAZZY....
I WANT HER BACK THE WAY SHE WAS..



NOW...
IF only Piano Man would die?
THEN...
the world really would be set right....

HE still gave me butterflies...
HE doesn't know what he's doing to me...

last night was the concert...
i was nervous...
for the first time in like ever..
i was actually quiet.....
my daughter came to see me..
i was nervous...
my parents were watching me...
i was nervous....
HE was in the choir w/me...
i about peed in my pants...

we were waiting for our turn to sing...
it took an hour wait...ugh...
please lets just get this over with...
HE was sitting by himself....
i went to say hello & then leave..
but i just sat there w/HIM...
looking around...& watchin the other
kids being flustered....& stupid...

HE already had his arm on the back
of the chair i was sitting in....
but then he shifted & removed his arm...
i was about to get up to go cope w/my feelings
for HIM until...he put his arm around me...
HE didnt say anything...my head was already down
i was already nervous...i was already freakin out inside..
but HE comforted me....



i got excited...
i didnt let him see it..
i became calm...
im sure he could feel it..
i was on cloud nine until...
she asked....
"are you two dating??"
"--shakin my head gently--No."
HE didnt hear her question...
HE couldnt hear my heart break...
HE couldnt see my pain either...



I thought the world was set right..
I thought i could live with this..
I thought i could handle this...
I thought this would be easy...

thats where i went wrong...
I THOUGHT....
why dont i just play dumb...
why dont i just let some1 else
do the thinking for me...
why dont i just give up...
why dont i just...ugh...idk...

"One russian rollette for me please!".......



I SUCK AT LIFE...
i need a new hobby...

all i want is someone to hold me...
all i want is someone to love me..
all i want is someone to tell me
im okay the way i am....
all i want is that one GUY to love me..

yeah...you see how thats going for me...
nothing but heartache...nothing but pain...
its pins & needles in my heart from here on out...
hopefully...i dont BLEED that much....

HAPPIER NOTE:
the concert was good..
we sang well...
DOC was proud of us...

The Sucky part:
i teared up on Koowu...
i was thinking of my midnight jasmine...
my daughter...my Koowu..
and...
When I hear her...I have wings..
HE sang that song..
i watched him the whole time..
wishing he would sing that to me..



yea...keep wishing victoria..
thats all you can do....
whats the point of love..
SCREW IT...
LOVE SUCKS..
IT HURTS TOO MUCH!!

oh yes...
district chorus...
yesterday...ahhmazing!!!

DR. Castingway from Radford University
we cant get any better than this...
we cant get any more ahhmazing...

but i did...
i had a clear view of my baby...
& his borther & my baby-baby(Piano Man)
...the world was set right for it....



HE is ahhmazing
HE is so cute
With each passing day
HE makes new reason for
me to LOVE HIM even more...



Everytime i'd catch his eye...
HE'd give me that look...
you know that look....
the look every guy gives when
he wants to be somewhere else...
but he cant...well he flashed one of those..

I ADORE THIS BOY!!!
but this year..
the girls <@ districts>
are more than just conformists...
more than cookie cutters....
they look like they just stepped out of
a JCrew mag...or just off the runway in Paris...



i wanted to gag myself...
i wanted to rip there "pretty"
little lips off their faces & burn them alive!!!!

"OH MY GOD MY HOLLISTER!!"
"O-M-G MY CHANEL HAS A STREAK ON IT"
"OH MY GOD THERE ARE NO CUTE GUYS HERE"

boo-hoo give me a break....
please...someone..give me
a russian rollette or something
so i can just end there misery....

but i protected him..
he hated them anyway...
sooooo...i did the only logical thing...
I LIED TO THEM....
"Yeah see that boy..the one with the hazel eyes...
black hoodie...
kinda gruffy beard thing goin on...
dark hair...kinda quiet?....
yea thats my baby & I LOVE HIM....

"AWWW....NO WAY...?"
--yes way...

HE thanked me for it...
HE loved me for it...
sooo no blood will be spilt this night
no bodies will be found...yet..
i still have today...plus the concert..
but some lies were meant to be told...
so "unofficially"...HE'S ALL MINE!!!

the world is set right....
vickee is happy...
william is happy...

NOW..
if only lindsey would.....

TOMORROW ...
OH TOMORROW...

yes.. oh yes...the world is set right....
tomorow will be the greatest day of my life..
anything to spend the whole day with HIM...

cant you see im ready for it...?
cant you tell i want it to be here...?
cant you see im ready for it...?

TOMORROW ...
OH TOMORROW...



all day we sing...
all day we laugh...
all day im with HIM...
all day will be like heaven...

please hurry..
please get here faster...
please dont hesitate to come...

TOMORROW ...
OH TOMORROW...

I WILL SING....I WILL SING...
I WILL SING till my lungs collapse...
I WILL SING till my voice gives out...
I WILL SING till my eyes grow heavy...
district chorus this year is no joke...
every song is hard....HIS song he sings...
is beautiful...i wish he'd sing it TO me...
but anything to spend the whole day w/HIM....



HURRY UP...
HURRY FAST...
HURRY HURRY HURRY...

TOMORROW ...
OH TOMORROW...

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE..
I WONT TAKE IT ANYMORE..
BE HERE..NOW...NOW....
I'D GIVE ANYTHING...ANYTHING
TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY WITH HIM!!!
JUST TO SPEND ONE DAY WITH HIM!!!

                          

IT happened again..
my heart was rushing...
my body started to shake...

WHY?

i couldn't consentrate....
i couldn't talk....{not normal for me}
my stomach started to make knots..
my blood ran cold...

WHY?

you ask why?

that BOY...
he's doing this to me....
he's putting me through this torture...
through this pain.....
he's the one that....

i gave him my HEART...
i poured my soul out to him...
told him my dreams & aspirations
i gave him my HEART....
he's breaking IT...
but he wont give it back....

WHY?

cant he see that i cant handle it anymore..
cant he see that this isn't what i wanted....
cant he just leave me alone to live in peace..

WHY?

he's one way in school....
all sad & heart broken
because i wont talk to him..
because i wont pay attention
to him like all them other trix....
give him that reassurence that all
them big headed guys need..
that one grl to puff him up more...
if he's so confident in himself..
why do you need a grl by your side
to tell you again....if your so..
into yourself why do you need me?
or any other lil grl?

he's one way in church...
grinning in my face...
trying to talk to me..
like everything is fine..
FINE...FINE...he thinks things are FINE??
no baby...you dont know the half of it...
give me a break...let me GO..
why cant he let me go??

WHY?

leave already...
say your good bye...
say your regrets....
& turn around & walk away...
& never...never...
never...never....
LOOK BACK....

                                    

I NEVER thought that I could do it...
I've always dreamed it...

I would say IT...
then he'd sweep me in
his arms & gently kiss me...
& HAPPILY EVER AFTER to me....

yea...it def didnt happen like that..
i almost choked...hard....
but something over took me..



the pressure was on...
THEY were staring @ me...
waiting...hoping...begging
me to just blurt it out...
HE didnt have a clue....
thats the way i wanted it...
THEY didnt approve....
i felt devestated....

HE was leaving..
THEY got mad @ me...
my heart started to pound..
then something over took me..
i closed my eyes & yelled..."WILLIAM!!!"
HE walked over...
i told him....

my heart felt better...
HE said its all good....
my lifeguard saved me...
HE knew...all this time...
THEY praised me...
HE swept me up in a hug...
semi....HAPPILY EVER AFTER to me...

before this i was like:

  

but now im like:




and im okay with that....
the world is set right...
its over & done with...but...
im okay with that...
i took a chance..made a plunge...
& a came out still breathing...

HOW AHHMAZING IS THAT??