Latest Journal Entry
December 26, 2007
I'm so tired of this. Now, I'm sure you guys are wondering what happened when just yesterday was the happiest day of the year and now I'm writing with tears in my eyes how I'm sick of trying to be perfect. God dammit, I love my dad but everythign I do is wrong. I took up swimming late and he still expects me to be the best. My brother is top 10 in the state for his age group and I know he wants the same for me. And he wants me to be a small Einstien. He isn't happy with my B's and A-'s. He wants all A's.
I know he means well but it hurts.When I got my report card he didn't yell but he was so unhappy I wanted to kill myself. And last year, when I didn't get into Accel, he gave me the cold shoulder until I went to my friend's house and started bawling my eyes out.
But now, he's being more critical than usual once he saw my cousins and how great they were along wtih my super amazing friends. He keeps implying how I should get thinner, be more athletic, have more friends, be perfect. It's driving me insane! He wants a perfect brunette barbie doll for a daughter and I'm everything but that.
I'm clumsy, my swimming time aren't even average and my grades are just a smidge better than average and my piano sucks. And yet, I'm happy with who I am. Why can't he be?
He knows I math is like Chinese to me. He knows I started late with swimming. He knows I hate piano then why does he still want things from me.
And when he fights with me he always throws that he buys he me clothes that I don't even want in my face. And I tell him to take it away 'cause I don't want it. Then he screams about how I don't know him and how hard he works.
And I DON'T know him. I don't know what his favorite color is and his favorite food or his favorite kind of music. I just know what to do so than he won't get mad at me and the fact that he comes home either from 6pm - 2am.
He hardly knows me to. He doesn't know what anime I like even though it's all I talk about in the dinner table or what Demons and Angels by Dan Brown is when it's all I've been talking about during our plane ride to grandma's house.
HE SHUTS ME OFF AND THEN BLAMES ME! The worst part is when he tells me it's anime 'cause it's not! IT'S HIM! I go on the internet to talk to my friends. I can't talk to him. I just can't. I ask permission I never have a heart-to-heart moment with him. Only when I was young. Like, I-think-there's-a-monster-in-the-closet young.
But what pisses me off the most is that I try so hard to get his approval that it tears me inside. Whenever I get grounded I pretend I don't care and I don't. I don't care it my crush goes out with another girl and I don't care if a rumor spreads about me. Some people would say that's good but I once over heard my dad call me "cold" because of it.
COLD?!COLD IS NOT EVEN KNOWING YOUR DAUGHTER'S FAOVRITE BOOK! NOT KNOWING WHAT SHE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS EVEN THOUGH SHE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES! IT'S BEING SO OBSESSED WITH WORK YOU DON'T SEE HOW MUCH YOU'RE HURTING YOU'RE OWN CHILDREN!
I'm sick of trying to be his image of perfection. I haven't been neglecting my friends or my family. I've been doing everything to make you not mad at me and yet the more time you spend time with me the more and more time you hurt me with your critism.
Go find someone else to call chubby because she wieghs 101 when half the girls in her school wieghs 90. Go find your perfect daughter who simply agrees with everything you do and never speaks out against you. Go and find some one who cares enough about her looks to go and wake up at five in the morning to do her hair and wear leggings and make up.
I'm not her.
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