light.up.my.life's Journal

Picture this: middle of July, nothing to do, I'm holed up with those lovey-dovey Twilight books because I have nothing better to do, and my best friends are on vacation in Florida, trying to find a boy who I love and haven't seen in two years. I'm totally alone right now, and I desperately crave the company of at least one human being. I would usually just hang out with my best friend, but like I said, she's in freaking Florida. And these stupid lovely-dovey, mushy romance novels aren't making me feel any better!!!

Its so boring here in the summer. I try to hang out with my friends as much as possible, but sometimes its hard to meet everyday and then I end up bored. its so distressing. plus, summer school totally sucks!!! someone help me...

What is your name: Grace Spell your first name backwards: Ecarg Date of birth: May 10th 1992 male or female: female astrological sign: taurus nicknames: Gracie, Anastasia (don't ask), Lola (again, don't ask). occupation: student/seducer of unexpecting males (lol, jk) height: 5' 3" (yes, quite the short one) hair color: dark brown that can look chesnutty in the light eye color: lovely brown where were you born: On a glacier where do you live now: In a tent by a purple lake in an orange field of corn tattoos: none, but if I were to have one it would say HELLO in really big letters shoe size: 6 1/2 wearing: Yellow tank with dark blue jeans hearing: Almost Here by The Academy Is... on my iPod feeling: weird, confused, and altogether out-of-it eating/drinking: nothing, but I will in a few seconds. Water sounds good. have you ever been in love: Once, okay, twice. But both times it was with a guy who turned out to be this mega-freaky-future-serial-killer-type so never mind that. how many people have you said it to: about a billion gazillion, but I don't ever mean it really. I know, that's bad. Don't send the hate mail. what do you look for in a guy/girl: attractive, funny, nice, charismatic, good singing voice, smells good, playful, loving, deeply passionate, human. what's the first thing you notice about the preffered sex: what they're wearing, probably. it reveals a lot about someone. what type of guy do you usually go for: skater, edgy, punk, indie-rocker-type, skinny and tall (but in a manly, attractive way.lol.), usually. but I'm open to all kinds. do you have a crush right now: On William Beckett, yes. On anyone I have a chance with, no. do you believe in love at first sight: Lust, yes. Love, I'd have to see it to believe it. do you believe in fate: sure. do you believe in soul mates: no. what song do you swear was written about you or your life: Note to Self by From First to Last what's the most embarrassing cd you own: Cheetah Girls what's the best cd you own: A Lesson in Romantics by Mayday Parade OR Almost Here by The Academy Is... what song do you absolutely hate: ANYTHING BY COLBIE CALLIAT!!! do you sing in the shower: Yeah, and I dance too. what song(s) reminds you of that special someone: If I'm into someone, then pretty much every song reminds me of him. favorites color: blue and YELLOW!! food: eh... ice cubes song: Right now I'm totally hooked on Afterbirth by From First to Last, but I love a lot of other songs as well. show: CSI school subject: Screw it all. animal: TIGERS! radio station: Screw it all. movie: Oh, I've love lots. But one comes to mind right now: Superbad! lol. actor: Casey Affleck has got some major talent. actress: Emily Blunt potato chip: salt and vinegar alcoholic drink: i don't drink soda: ew holiday: Christmas pizza topping: none jello flavor: cherry card game: poker website: youtube and quizilla :) number: 11, 22, 33, 44, 55, 66, et cetera cereal: sweetened puffs dessert: chocolate cake Disney character: Belle magazine: seventeen salad dressing: honey dijon thing to do the weekend: listen to music, chill with friends, whatever hot drink: tea or hot chocolate season: autumn sport to watch: soccer person to talk to: Morgan your bedroom/sleeping habits: dreaming crazy dreams what color are your sheets: yellow what color are your bedroom walls: yellow do you have posters on your wall: tons if so, of what: William Beckett, Hillary Clinton, Jim Morrison, Mayday Parade, From First to Last (from when Sonny was still in the band), Led Zeppelin do you have a TV in your bedroom: yeah how many pillows are on your bed: like ten what do you normally sleep in: why do you want to know? describe the last nightmare you had: I was seventeen and I had a baby girl, and she had black hair and blue eyes. And the father was the one who gave her the blue eyes, but he walked out on us. So I had to work as a cleaning lady at a whorehouse to feed my daughter. do you sleep with stuffed animals: no how many people can comfortably sleep in your bed: around five, if we cuddle up real tight any unusual sleeping positions: fetal do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling: No. Hahaha! do you snore: No. how about drool depends what I'm dreaming about do you have an alarm clock in your room: on my iPod. what color is the carpet in your room: red what's under your bed: more junk than you can imagine. doughnuts/bagels: yuck, i hate both. day/night: Night. heaven/hell: heaven. coffee/tea: TEA!!! hamburgers/hotdogs: neither! vegetarian and proud! rap/rock: Rock. Britney/Christina: Britney. You gotta admit, she's amusing. McDonalds/Taco Bell: yuck, yuck sweet/sour: Sour. hot/cold: depends what mood I'm in winter/summer: winter spring/fall: fall operas/plays: Plays. read/watch tv: booooth cds/tapes: Cds. dvd's/vhs: Dvd. old/new: Depends. shorts/skirts: shorts pink/red: Red. colored pictures/black and white photos: black and white meat/vegetables: Vegtables. mexican food/chinese: chinese sandals/tennis shoes: Tennis shoes. dogs/cats: doggies unicorns/fairies: fairies water/land: Water. sugar/spice: Spice. black/white: white. chicken/beef: NEITHER! colored/white Christmas: White. cars/trucks: cars popcorn/pretzels: popcorn wwe wrestling/real wrestling: yuck. back/foot massage: Back. picture frames/photo albums: frames pens/pencils: pens your opinion Eminem: needs a life really, really badly. God: may or may not exist. If he does, I guess I'm screwed. reality tv: is not realistic at all. J.Lo: wears intersting clothing. Christina Aguilera's comeback: never happened. death: is hard to cope with. pre-marital sex: is a form a art which everyone should indulge in. terrorism: is disgusting and inhuman and insane. pornography: is okay, i guess, if you roll that way. fortune tellers: are pretty much all crooks threesomes: are cool if its with the right ppl Prostitution: is a sad way that some unfortunate people make money. country music: gets on my last nerve. cloning: is weird and kind of freaky. gas prices in Canada: don't affect Americans like me. what do you think when you here these names Jack: in the box Tiffany: diamonds Ben: jerk of unnatural proportions Maria: Spanish. Jennifer: Lopez. Nicole: a cool friend of mine Amy: British Adam: Brody Tom: Riddle Melissa: English girl Charlotte: Doyle John: common name Joel: Billy Joel Vanessa: Hudgens Kevin: Kostner have you ever... mooned anyone: nope been on a diet: Yes. been to a foreign country: yeah, but it was weird that they didn't speak English broken a bone: never swallowed a tooth/cap/filling: no swear at a teacher: once got in a fight: yes dated a teacher: umm... ew laughed so hard you peed your pants: YESSSS!!! thought about killing your enemy: not killing, but I thought about seriously injuring him. gone skinny dipping: no told a little white lie: yeah told a secret you swore not to tell: yes stolen anything: when i was four been on TV: no been on the radio: no been to a concert: yes dated one of your best friends: no, but I had some pretty physical contact with one of them once. He's different now though, so we're not as good friends as we used to be. loved someone so much it makes you cry: yeah, sadly. deceived somebody close to you: no, i don't do that. broken the law: YES! I'm a professional jay walker! been to a rodeo: No been on a talk show: No. been on a game show: No. been on an airplane: yes got to ride on a firetruck: no came close to dying: no cheated on a bf/gf: yeah, but I learned my lesson gave someone a piggy back ride: yes terrorized a babysitter: yes made a mud pie: Yes. had a dream that you're falling off a cliff: Yes. snuck out of the house at night: no, but i almost did once and got caught been so drunk you don't remember your name: never that drunk, but i forgot where i was completely once had an eating disorder: no felt like you didn't belong: not too often but once in a while felt like the 3rd wheel: never. I make sure I take the lead. smoked: no, never will done drugs: No! been arrested: no had your tonsils removed: YES! TONSIL-LESS PEOPLE ARE THE COOLEST! gone to camp: no won a bet: Yes. written a love letter: once gone out of your way to be with the one you love: yeah written a love poem: yeah kissed in the rain: no but i want to slow dance with someone you love: yes participated in an orgy: no faked an orgasm: yes stolen a kiss: sure asked a friend for relationship advice: Yes. had a friend steal your bf/gf yes, and believe me, it's not funny watched the sunset/rise with someone you love: no, but that would be cute gotten a speeding ticket: nope done jail time: No. had to wear a uniform to work: No. won an award: Yes. thrown up in public: Yes. failed/got held back: no got perfect attendance in grade school: no. i am the biggest school-skipper you will ever meet. 32 missed days last year! roasted pumpkin seeds: no taken ballet/karate lessons: yes attempted suicide: no childhood did you play with Barbies/G.I. Joe: both did you own Treasure Trolls: No. did you watch Beverly Hills 90210: No. did you play Simon Says: Yes. did you wet the bed: yea did you believe monsters were in your closet or under your bed: yes did you wear the underwear with the days of the week on them: No. were you shy: never been, never will be were you spoiled: All the time. did you go to the circus: yes did you go to the zoo: Yes. were you in a car accident: Many times. did you build snowmen: yes did you cry when you scraped your knee: Yes were your older cousins mean to you: Yes did you think slinkies were cool: I STILL DO!!! did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer: no, should I? were you afraid of the dark: yes, but only till I was three did you have slumber parties: Yes. did you have New Kids on the Block sheets, pillows, pajamas, sleeping bag: No. did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/Tooth Fairy: yes random do you believe in aliens: yes name three things that are next to your computer: iPod, pencil case, notebook do you have any hidden talents: I'm a pretty decent singer if you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be: drama, or some indie film-- you know, something artsy and creative what would your movie star name be: Lola what's the scariest movie you've ever seen: the Bratz movie!!! what is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently: Gone Baby Gone what is the dumbest movie you've ever seen: Dinotopia do you drive: nope what is your dream car: Yellow land rover do you think you're good looking: of course. do others think you are good looking: yes would you ever sky dive: yep do you believe in Bigfoot: no how many bedrooms do you have in your house: 6 are you afraid of roller coasters: secretly, yes. do you believe in God: sometimes I pray for that person I lost, but mostly I don't really believe. do you believe in Satan: no do you believe there is a heaven: yes, mostly do you believe there is a hell: nope do you own a pool table: no do you have a pool: no do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen: yes do you like chocolate: does anyone not? how many U.S. states have you been too: around seven ever wished on a shooting star: yes best Halloween costume you ever wore: french maid do you carry any weapons on you: only my sharp tongue what is your weakness: i'm way too emotional and passionate about things name something you can't get enough of: music, books, and boys how many kids do you want to have: idk future daughters names: Scarlett Lola Mini Grace Octavia future sons names: Holden Zane Shaant Sonny how do you release stress: writing, dancing are you an artistic person: yes are you a realistic person: no, not really do you un-tie your shoes every time you take them off: no do you have a check book: no do you like your drivers licence: no do you tan easily: i have a natural one, but i don't know where it comes from what color is your hair naturally: dark brown how many fillings do you have: none how many cavities our last dentist visit: none worst feeling in the world: emptiness best feeling in the world: being super in love with a great guy (not that I'd know anything about that) is the glass half empty or half full: half-full last thing you downloaded: new version of iTunes do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life: yeah what do you think people think of you: that I'm too loud are you a likeable person: to most people. Of course, some people think I'm too shocking and loud. do you need therapy: therapy never works when are you moving: not soon will you repost this: in my journal, sure

If you've read my poem Letters to Heaven, you'll know that someone I know (someone I even loved a bit) recently commited suicide. I've been trying to cope, really, I have. I've even seemed happy as hell the past few weeks (after breaking down and crying in front of the whole school, I'm not about to let them see my emotions again any time soon.) But I've been having dreams lately. In one of them, he's still alive and some girl I don't know is carrying him up a flight of stairs. When they get to the top, he dies. Then, in another one, I dream that I'm an unmarried teenage mother and I'm walking down a dirt road with my daughter, and the path is surrounded by trees. Then, I see all these minature nooses hanging from the branches (he hung himself).

I don't know. For a while, I thought I was going to be okay, you know? And now, I feel like its happening all over again. I can't stop thinking about him. And I feel so weird...confused and angry and sad and yet I was fine just a few days ago. I really thought I was getting over it. I don't know.