I'm mad and I'm angry so hard that my head hurts and my tears are falling when I want them to stop but my little sister's sleeping so it's okay if they don't.
I want them to though because I hate crying. I'm the oldest. I don't cry, I can't cry, because what will the younger ones think of me?
-because I'm the one who's concerned when they're crying and
I'm the one who keeps the secrets and tells the advice
and kisses the boo-boos and assures her that I still love her even though I yelled.
I'm the big sister who's supposed to know what to do and who's supposed to be there when the tears start to fall, and when they're scared or confused or hurt or angry. And I'm there when mom needs someone to talk to.
I'm the shoulder that they use and I give it willingly, but who's shoulder am I supposed to turn to? when I can't stop the tears and when everythings so hard and confusing, like now? and when I'm so angry that I can't stop crying and I've been feeling down for days? Maybe that's why I'm crying so much.
Cry, cry, cry- tears, tears, tears. It's so sad that I'm using those words so much.
I can't say what I want to because my eyes are watering and turning red. I can't shout back because my voice will crack and hiccup and I don't want them to know that they're getting to me. And I hate it and I don't want it. And I wish it would go away.
So I'm writing spontaneously in a journal entry online that I'll probably erase when I've calmed down a bit. And I'll yell to him at stop talking shit about her to me, her daughter. And when he says sorry I'll ignore him
because I'm too nice sometimes and I need to speak up.
And should open up to people and stop keeping things in when
I shouldn't.
And I want to scream and cuss and throw things and slam things but I won't. I'll shut my mouth because it could lead to other things.
I'll just be pathetic and sit there and cry and vent by writing sentences that run on and on. And when someone asks 'What's wrong?' I'll say what I usually say 'Nothing. Why? Do I look like somethings wrong?' I'll laugh when they say that I look sad and I'll say that I'm just thinking
because I don't want pity or to bother them with problems of my own.
And I picked up my cell to text my sister at school and I stopped, not wanting to bother her, I could handle things on my own.
But I'm okay and everything's all good. Wow. Am I good at writing random sponatneous journals or what? This will probably be deleted tomorrow. Today sucks. I want to erase it and start all over. I want a do-over.
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