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klumzykidliz's profile
Whatever is meant to happen will, without a doubt.
- Member since
- Oct 1st, 2007
- Profile Viewed
- 166 Times
- Last login:
- Oct 15th, 2008
Newest Creations
| Type | Title & Info | Average Rating |
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| poems |
worth something
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| poems |
My mind and all its contents
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| poems |
A new year?
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| poems |
Just a kiss
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1.00 |
| poems |
Losing what i never had
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4.00 |
Friends
Latest Journal Entry
October 11, 2008
The Feeling of Fine
agh. i'm so out of it lately! so, tonight i went to the football game with some friends. i wanted my crush to come, but he had plans of watching the phillies game. i used the excuse that we needed ihim there bc he actually knows how to understand a football game (which is true of course) but definitely not the only reason! his twin still came though. anyway, so i was freezing the entire time, and went on my way to the snack stand. but then i realized that i had no idea where it was, so i ran to my friend jen, who brought me over where we bumped into my ex. great. so, we were stuck talking for a while, and after i got the drink and went back to my seat, he called and asked where i was since i'd told him he could sit by me. if sitting next to your ex boyfriend isnt enough, hows the fact that he also likes my best friend who likes her back. the three of us used to be like--super tight, but obviously it hasnt been quite the same since our erm...relationship. anyway, i told both of them not to hold back on my account ( i mean, we broke up in july, i thought i'd be over it by now) and anyway, last school year when i started to go out with him, i shouldve figured out that my bff liked him, but she also had this major 2 year crush, so i thought there was nothing else up. i offered to break up with him at that point, before anything got serious in case my friendship with her was on the line, but she said she was fine. i now realize what "fine" really means...fine is what people say when thats the way things SHOULD be. not the way they are. fine is what people say when their conscience overpowers their hearts. when the thought of themselves is shoved away by their thoughts of others. fine is when we must learn to accept things the way they are, since nothing will ever be perfect. this feeling of "fine" is a bit standard. cold. cookie cutter. bitter. when people want to hide what they really feel, usually for a good reason, or in the quest of doing something good. fine is small, the line between crying and bursting into tears.
so anyway, there i was. pretending to be fine about this. FINE fine FINE. supportive even. so i threw in some couple jokes about them. tried to make the crowd a bit more lively. but then, i "crossed the line" so i gave up my support for this essence of being fine. while being fine, i got even more clumsy and scatter-brained than usual. yup. perfect timing. sitting in bleachers in front of my ex bf, and critical twin of my crush who will probably tell him all my erm... lovely mishaps.
and there it is again. that being fine. i hate it when people think im stupid bc i'd rather watch the cheerleaders and marching band than the football players. or when i dont know whats going on in the game. or when i mess up a few words or get a brain fart. or when i say that i might join an academic team. im not stupid. just silly. im not weak, just not so strong. and im not a coward, just not that brave. but you know what? im a person. i'm myself. to an extent that not everyone is comfortable with. so h*ll yes im going to have some laughs and stupid moments after a long week of school! and have some...oh idk, fun? bc no matter how stupid i look, and however any calories worth of hot chocolate i've drank and the number of people who think, "what a stupid girl" i know that someone, somewhere is wishing they could be comfortable enough with themselves to concentrate on that someone somewhere than those around them and be the person that they were set on this world to be.
we're all here for a reason. it just takes some time to figure out why, if we ever do. and there's not a sure way to be positive, but when it comes, i think i'll know deep in my heart my rhyme and reason. and when i do, i won't even have to think about that someone somewhere, i'll just be genuinely happy--in the way that no material possession can bring, and my heart won't be affected by who he likes. i'll only be affected by what should truly matter. and that idea of "fine" will slip away.
