frankieroishot's Journal

me = relieved that this story is over.
TCBUCDTP ended differently, and you all knew it would from the second you finished reading its prologue a few months ago.
however, i continually was told to make frank live, for melody to wake up & have it all be a dream, to find a cure for a helplessly punctured lung, etc.
sadly, i didn't.
i've said it a lot in the past, but 20% of my readers still don't grasp the concept that these are my stories that i've decided to share with you all.
you don't like it, then you can suck your mum off.
i will not be manipulated, as i'm not forcing anyone to read my shit.

i adored writing this story.
it was the most daring thing i've done yet, as it was both - in my opinion - my most comical and depressing work to date.
i made a bold turn by putting all of that lust & loss into one story, and i don't know if it worked well or not.
i guess i'll find out when i get comments back on this post.

anywhore, TCBUCDTP had a purpose.
if you love and/or cae for someone, whether it's a friend, relative or crush, tell them. even if you see this person daily, let them know just how much they mean to you.
you never know when your last day or their last day on this earth's gonna be, so make the most of it.
don't waste time being paranoid, insecure & all "but what if he doesn't feel the same and embarass myself?".
if you don't speak up, you'll never know. you could lose something amazing before it's even started.
look for the good in people, & scrap the bad. there's no need to search for people's faults, because you know they'll have them. no one on this planet is perfect - not even frank iero :O [xD].

this brings me to my next point.
"popularity" is a dangerous thing. i was the kind of person who never wanted to be popular in school, or absorb all the limelight. i wanted to keep to myself, so i started to write stories.
only they then became popular.
it's amazing to look at my friends list on my profile, seeing all of the people that have added me or picked my creations. that's why being "popular" on a website is pretty fucking amazing.
however, because people enjoy my writing so much, "certain" users have begun to delivberately search for my faults - both in writing, my personality, my friends, & the way i fucking type.
the last four or so weeks have been tough on my cbox.
URL-less, chicken-shit pussies have started to leave spiteful, rude messages, slating how i ocassionally string words out, such as "youuuu", and how i sometimes writes words all in one, ie, "thankyou".
what-the-fuck?
& if it's not that, it's a tiny word i've made a typo with, or something with no relation to the outcome of the story - such as a plan flight duration.
I'M SIXTEEN - I'M NOT STEPHENIE MEYER.
I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL WRITER - I'M JUST NOT COMPLETELY SHIT, IS ALL.
& now it's flooded to my friends' cboxes!
people think that gena, rach, cassie & i are a clique or something, and you have to be good at writing to get in it.
it is possible that people can just be friends, you know.
gena thinks all of this shit is because people are jealous of the fact that i have a load of lovely readers, and that i write pretty okay.
it could be, i don't know - but it throws the last three years of confidence building i've done for myself pretty off course.

BLEH, goddamnit.

this next part is about my next story.
IT IS NOT CALLED "WHEN THE HEART GUIDES THE HAND" ANYMORE!
i have changed it to "CHOKE THE AIR FROM YOUR WORLD."
why? because i used to be really into "heart-shaped glasses [when the heart guides the hand]" by marilyn manson, therefore giving me th title for the story.
however, when i heard an interview that MM did, teasing frank because he's short, i decided i wanted a change.
this means all of the banners people made me are non-existant.
that's the only regret i have for chnging the same, and i am truly, deeply sorry. they were all amazing banners, and i'm sorry that you spent your time making them so that they could go wasted >.<
yeah, so i'll start writing "choke the air from your world [CTAFYW]" soon.
it's going to have a lot of elements in it that remind you of my other stories. it will be set in the present day, so MCR-do-not-exist-as-a-band. i just wanted to have myspace and all the bands i like now in the story, as to make it easier and more realistic for me to write about.
frank's also going to be different in it, too.
i've had him as an arrogant jerk, complete perfection, a hero/life-saver, and a childhood sweetheart.
now it's time for something different =D

that about finishes what i had to say.
oh, except for one more thing.

IF YOU CAN'T BE A PLAYER, DON'T BE A PLAYER HATER.

adiosss.
exoh.

i don't know what i've done wrong.

i'm really confused about what i must have done to make my mum suddenly hate me, and i'm still crying now in nervousness about when she comes home from the pub.

the only reason she asked me to even come home from my grandad's house - where i've been for the last few days - is to watch her kid so she can get fucked off her face from cheap wine. cheap, just like her.

i know this probably isn't making any sense, but there's just so much shit in my head right now that i have to admit something.

i've not felt like evaporating off the face of the earth for a whole brilliant, two years.
now, that's all i wanna do.

i can't call anyone up because they'll loook at our phone's history.
there's no money on my phone, so i'm fucked.

i'm really scared.
like, frightened.

this is why i'm taking a complete break from the internet, so that i can get my act together before i do something stupid to myself.

i don't wanna worry people, but i know that this will.
yet, i'm posting it regardless.

um, 4th august?
yeah, i'll be back then - after my week away from my fucking "family" when they piss off to wales.

i'm so stuck.
i can't call anyone.

i've been called dramatic, pathetic, miserable, distant, selfish, & a bitch in the last 48 hours.
by my own fucking mother!

it's not like i have a dad to run to anymore, is it?

only my grandad, and i'm too scared to call because they'll check the phone history.

my chances of leaving this house - this room, even - in the next day are extremely slender.

please try to understand that i need some "me" time to think, and fuel my shitty, devestated mood into writing the big finale of TCBUCDTP.

i'm sorry.

just so you know, i'm not in any physical danger & shit.

the emotional danger i'm in is much more serious.

see you guys soon.

xo.

guess who is finally starting to become nervous above excited about college in september?

ME ;; KIMI ;; FRANKIEROISHOT!

aaah >.<
it was fine to dawn on and think about when i was able to say "oh, i have another 11 weeks until i have to worry about that", but now i only have 5 and a half weeks left until i undergo a weird-ass life change.

i know what i want to study.
i have friends - including my besteverintheworld - that are going there.
the teachers and tutors seem lovely.
my mode of transport is all sorted out.

...but i'm panicking.

i'm a people person and making friends won't be a problem, but what if i really will wind up being the weird kid in psychology that just sits at the back, wearing an MCR tee and actually doing the work?

i'll have no time left because i'll be studying, revising and homework-ing my ass off for a bajillion hours a night.
this is making me worried about letting you guys down with updates for WTHGTH - when it starts, that is.
i depend on the messages & cbox comments to get for self-esteem boosters and purposeful-ness, but if i'm not updating frequently, i won't be "popular" or whatever anymore, hence no more messages.

IF THERE ARE NO HOT EMO/SCENE BOYS AT MY SIXTH FORM COLLEGE, THEN I WILL SHOOT SOMETHING.
shallow, but i'm panicking!
seriously! you see all these gorgeous girls on myspace with adorable boyfriends, and i can't help but scream at my computer screen: "I WANT OOOONNNNEEE!".

i know this is all sudden for you guys, but i've had these anxieties inside of me for a while now, and it sure does feel good to get them out there.
thank FUCK for 'zilla journals, lol.

ah, well i must say that i'm ready for bed now.
i feel a lot lighter :D

...plus it's 10:59pm and my mum is about to go all "KIMBERLEY, GET INTO BED OR I'LL CALL THE COPS AND HAVE YOU CHAINED TO THE HOUSE!" on my ass. i joke XD.

g'night, my dears.
ilu

i love how short your hair was when i first saw you, & that i was the only girl in school that liked you way back then before you got your emo fringe.

that one day in the eating area in school when we were all fooling around like morons, and you snatched my arms, pinned them behind my back, and kept hold of them for ten minutes before letting me go.

when i wrote you a letter saying how much i had feelings for you before i went to france on the history trip, and you acted normal when i got back like nothing ever happened.

the football tournament that i had to play in & you coached us, telling me later on that i "did really well" before you hugged me.

the first time i wanted to hug you like everyone else did, and you could tell so you just stood there in the middle of the corridor with your arms around me for two whole minutes.

the day that someone said "sex", i laughed, and you asked "kimi, did you just laugh at sex?".

i adore how you were the first friend in that excuse of a highschool that called me "kimi".

when we all went shopping in chester for my birthday, and you gave me hugs all day and bought me viva la bam DVDs. you also got me an extra sticker at the bear factory, which your girlfriend later took off me.

the first birthday i had when we were friends, and you were the only person that remembered it and said "happy birthday and american independence day!", then gave me hugs all day.

when i told you that i'd been hurting myself because of what HE was doing to me, and you said "you may able to take it, but i can't", & let me cry into your shoulder.

the way you said how you knew you couldn't stop me from cutting, so you advised me to "use a shaving razor because the glass" would "infect" me.

when we played those crappy games on your computer, & you always won.

the way you always came to when when you heard anything involving MCR or blink-182.

when you said "you look like a hot emo boy - like frank iero" when i first got my hair cut short.

you taught me how to play solitaire, and told me i was a "worthy opponent".

when you broke up with HER, and soon after left me an email that said "make out with me at my house XD".

when i got to your house, and you had nowhere to sit, so i offered you my lap. you said "no, i wouldn't want to hurt you".

we listened to the vines, but i wasn't happy enough to dance around like an idiot with you. you said "come on, it's the vines!" like it was the best thing in the world.

when you gave me my first kiss - ever - and i was just sat on your sofa, and you crawled towards me to do it.

how HE text HER and said that HE thought i was falling for you - hard.

when HE said that HE saw "a vibe between" me & you.

when you called me "forceful" with my kissing, and said "easy tiger!".

when i playfully said i hate you, and you seriously replied with "no, you don't".

they way you never made it clear about what was going on between us.

the way you jumped out of nowhere and stopped swinging on the park swings long enough to notice me, come running towards me, and kiss me in the snow.

when you told me that i was "easy to abuse" because you got a reaction out of me everytime you poked me on the coach ride back from that lame university.

when i told you that i believe everything people tell me, so you said "the moon's made out of cheese!".

when we watched jackass: the movie when i was dating HER in my lesbian phase, and you gave me a wedgie.

when i was dating and making out with HIM, and you still sat opposite me and stroked my leg through my ripped jeans, then licked my knee where the jeans were torn.

when i gave you that card that said "this hug's for you", and you came running towards me when school was over to grin, hug me, and recite "this hug's for you".

when i told you that i felt guilty for putting my parents through shit when i hurt myself, and you simply said "and they don't put you through any?".

you told me i was "intelligent, fun, and have a great taste in music" when i aksed why you were friends with me.

when we almost slept together when i was 15, and you pleaded for us to do because you'd "always wanted to" before you left to live in london.

you asked if we could shower together, and got into detail about how i'd have to dry my hair afterwards.

that day you noiced i was always jumpy because HE had been "hurting me", and you hugged me from behind at every chance you got.

when you kissed my head before you left quayside, and told me to "keep my chin up" before you left with your girlfriend.

when you left me this letter before you left, only to return again a few days later:

"dear kimi,
there is only one thing i can say. don't miss me. i will be back. you will see me again. just continue life. you don't need me. you never have done. you never will.
i enjoyed our time together. you proved my two theories;
short people steal,
and
short people are angry poeple.
you are an amazing person. as i always say, 'look to the future, not the past. it's better that way.'
love from
xXnamehereXx"

i don't know what happened between us when you came back. you acted like i was just this girl you knew by association, and would only talk to me when you had to.

you deleted me from msn.
you deleted me from myspace.
you deleted me from your life.

then on monday, we went to HER house together, for what you caled "a shindig".
you've got your lip pierced in the same place as frank's, and i can't help but feel like it's deliberate to make me fall in love with you all over again.
we completely hacked into that bitch's myspace together, and laughed and drank whilst we did it. you laughed at my jokes and i laughed at yours. you showed me fun videos, but also told me how much you hated MCR's new album.
i didn't care. it was just you and me at the computer desk, making the most of life before we had to walk outside in the rain so i could get picked up.
the last thing you said to me was when i had to get out of the pounding rain and into the car.
you told me to "run!".

run, g.miller?
you want me to run?
then i will.
i will run away from YOU.

i don't need your shit.
thanks for the memories & inspiration.
thanks for being my first kiss.
thanks for almost stealing my virginity.

but, i'm afraid that
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

i loved you. i was in love with you at 15.
it was real, no matter what they say.

but that's it.

cancel my subsciption, because i don't need your issues anymore.

so MYL is over.
i agree with everyone in the sense that this story really has gone by fast, but i think that's because people were used to me writing longer stories, like PSOFAG.

i want to say a huge thankyou to anyone that made me a banner for the story. there are too many of you to mention and i'd be here for centuries trying to get all of your names down, but you know who you are. thankyou for giving the writer a little back :]
especially ashleyyyyyyyyyy! :D
i'll put the banners she made for the finale here:

thankyou to the readers, obv. in fact, anyone that's ever given me a good or bad comment about anything i've ever posted on this site.
i'm a firm believer that people should have no regrets about anything that's happened in their life, the simple reason being that one change can make everything different. thankyou for being adoring & critical. ilu.

little things like these:

[made by XEmoxZebraX :D]

[made by xdrain.the.bloodx]

made by my ashleyy :D

made by dramaprincess578

have managed to make me feel a lot better. people are calling me an idol. an idol! of all the things i've been called in the last 15 years, that has got to be the most important and special one.

oddly enough, it's given me inspiration to be happy, especially considering those pictures i got from XEmoxZebraX and xdrain.the.bloodx. i need to be happy – not just for MY benefit, but for those of the people around me. if people are looking up to me, then i have the responsibility to do them justice and make them proud by setting an example.

now that i feel i have a purpose, i feel great. that phase of morbidity and being all cynical and shit couldn't be more over, and i can't wait to make this one of the best summers ever - no, THE best summer ever.

this is all because of you guys, you know. if you weren't spurring me on to write and update all the time and whatnot, i wouldn't feel as purposeful. the day i stumbled on quizilla was probably one of the most important days i've had in the last three years, as corny and rediculous as it sounds.

my myspace is www.myspace.com/__thedrugsneverwork
i'm totally cool with people adding me, but only if they're not going to mention my zilla writing. myspace is for getting to know ME, kay? feel free to add me if you're interested :]

so, more to the point of this journal entry.
MYL is all finished.
i really hope you liked the ending - it was happy!
nope, i won't be doing a "five years later" thing, or anything like that. please don't pressure me to do one by even doing so much as asking me for it, no matter how polite it is. i'll just lose all respect for you.
harsh? yeah; but that's me, i've come to realise.

new story. right...
i don't have any of it written up yet. not a single letter.
that's obviously going to change, though, because i have the best ideas for it. it's going to be a less dramatic and more of a fun story, something that the main character will contribute to.
she's not going to be insecure and all "how the hell can he like me?" like shaine and lienna were. this is going to be a funNY story, too. hopefully it will make you lol, if you're into my kinda humour :]

to start writing it, though, i'll need to give myself some time off. i'm not sure how long exactly, but i think if i was to come back to quizilla with the first instalment for you by july 2nd, then i should be more than ready.

i'll be coming onto quizilla to reply to any messages from people on the friends list on my profile - no one else. ilu guysss.
i'll be replying to my cbox, tho', obv.

hm, anyways.
oooh! i got my hair cut & coloured!
it's the shortest i've ever had it before, so i'll try to get pictures up very soon. it's purple with bits of red in it :D

lol, i think that's it.

i guess i'll say one last "thankyou" & be on my way.
we have waffles and i'm actually hungry :O

later, guys.

~xo kimi.

i've been trying to be happy for so long that i think everything has finally caught up with me. all i can think about is the bad side of any situation now, and feel like i'm prone to creating regrets for myself.
like today, for example. i accidentally left the computer on and mum calmly came and told me to make sure i turned it off properly next time, and i just snapped at her and talked to her like she was a five year old or something.

this was all after i decided to go to the park with her, my dog and my half brother. we walked across the fields, me way ahead of them all so that i could listen to my iPod and enjoy the breeze on the warm day in peace. then my mum did a couple of laps around the field on her own and asked me to go on the park with my brother.
i did. i went on the swings on listened to TBS with a stupid grin on my face, finally being appreciative of what going outside for a breath of fresh air can do for you when you're not surrounded by friends who constantly stress you out or unintentionally make you feel insecure.
then i went on this climbing frame and got completely stuck on it. me and my brother laughed at how stupid i looked, but then i realised that i seriously WAS stuck. the only way to get down was to take a chance at risking serious injury and let go of the bars.
i did. i hit my head on the metal. i did it with so much force, in fact, that i almost collapsed from ache and dizzyness.
then that was it. i told myself that the outdoors were a bad thing and that locking myself away in a house and not living my own life, leading a fictional life that i've invented in a story, was better.

i think i still have feelings for HIM, too, you know. only when i'm around HIM do i get butterflies fluttering around so much that i feel like throwing up. i haven't seen him in two weeks. i'll only ever see him again at prom. the one person i like and he doesn't like me back. all i have are sleazy guys i've known for two minutes coming up to me at quayside [a local gig venue] and asking me out. i know i have my whole life to find this love thing that everyone blabs on about, including myself, but i really want it right about now.

that last journal post wasn't supposed to be a cry for help. it was supposed to be something healthy. i was in a great mood pre-writing it & during, but then when i got back and looked at the comments everyone had left me and noticed how attention seeking it made me sound, i felt like a piece of shit. i still do. my stomach feels empty from not eating. brand new are playing in my ears. i keep writing statements with no relevance, just because i know that i can and you guys will appreciate it.
anyone else on this site could write these exact words in their journal, and you wouldn't care as much. big headed, that makes me sound. i'm not. i actually hate my life right now, in all honesty, just because it's so boring and i have no control over it.

eurgh. aaaaah. bleurggggggh.

i'll have to take a short break from this quizilla stuff so that i can get my act together. i can practically guarentee, though, that come friday i will be my old, happy, optimistic self again. everyone has down times. everyone else cried on the last day of school and i didn't. even the football playing assholes cried. maybe i'm so upset because it's all finally hitting me right now that i'll never see some of those comforting faces again. i miss them.

i would have never realised the root of my sudden gay mood if i hadn't of signed into zilla and started writing this very journal. i wasn't expecting anyone to notice the last one i wrote, but many people did. they cared enough to comment. i love that. i love THEM. i do.

thankyou for your time, advice and care. i'd kill to meet every last one of you to thank you in person, but that's not possible.

at the end of the day, i'm still a teenager living in 21st century england.

small things that people take advantage of are what make us who we are. very, very tiny things that we like and dislike can cause us to see how we contradict ourselves constantly. by dishing them out somewhere & adding whenever we want, we can truly see what's inside us & answer that big question: who the hell am i? this is my attempt to follow my own advice & possibly learn a bit about myself by writing down statements that describe me that i usually take advantage of & don't notice. here you go... those big pink, swirly & black starry rings i've had in the back of my drawer have suddenly become appealing & i wear them all the time, along with all of the colourful, girly shit i have that i never cared for. every time the phone rings, i run for it. never walk - always run, as though the world will explode if it isn't answered. i'm starting to make listes of things that i need to do or want to posses like my mum does, and it freaks me the hell out. i don't want to be like her. the druggies and sleazy irish kids in my street scare the living shit out of me. i'm too scared to leave the house alone & walk around in case i bump into them - or anyone, for that matter. smoothies were supposed to be these amazing things that were riddled with healthy fruit of all varieties that i wouldn't be able to stop drinking. now my fridge is packed full of them and i detest them all. i keep finding a band and obsessing over one song of them, viewing my own profile on myspace after i've added the song to it. i'll listen to it over & over again until each lyric is drilled into my brain. sometimes i'll sit in front of the mirror for up to 10 minutes, not doing anything. i'll just stare back at myself and wonder about whtat other people think of me. before i go to sleep, i'll have a song repeating itself over & over in my head. i won't be able to stop thinking about what it means & i'll only get a couple hours of sleep, then complain about back ache in the morning. whenever i'm in the car or sitting wathcing TV, i daydream. i daydream about stpries and character, people that i'd like to meet in real life. i'lll come up with backgrounds, likes and dislike sfor them, turn them into ral people and publish stories about them on an internet site called quizilla. i don't like my best friend. she's annoyingly immature & spoilt. she knows me so fucking well that it scares me, and i hate it. i hate her. i can't wait for college when she fucks off somewhere different to me. audrey kitching's livejournal is inspirational. i love everything about that girl - every single imperfection that she points out is adorably honest. i keep wrecking my socks by pulling on the loose strands of them, then i'll complain that my socks all have holes in & that nobody cares about me enough to buy me clothes. i tried to be cool. it failed. now i'm myself. sometimes i think i'll never meet someone that will fall in love with me. i shy away or act like a dumbass subconsciously around any boy that i like - only the guy friends i have seem to like me as more than a friend. TELL ME THAT YOU'RE ALRIGHT. I'VE GOT HUGS FOR YOU. I CAN'T IMPRESS ANYONE. WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT IN THIS? a huge relief has been taken off my shoulders now. i can analyse myself & my selfish imperfections, then do what i always do and find a way to blame someone else for it. god is bullshit. "he" took her away from me. maybe i should be thankful for it, though, because it means i can connect with the ways more. i'm scared to listen to my chem's music. SCARED! there's no fucking reason to be. maybe it's because the honesty in those fucking lyrics gerard writes make me feel like i'm completely naked & everyone can see right through me. they've fucked with my head after repairing it, and that's why they compel me. i love them. i seriously fucking adore them. WE ALL GET TOGETHER WHEN WE BURY YOUR FRIENDS. i keep thinking that i can undo and delete things, or start over again because i spend so much time on the computer that i'm becoming obsessed with it. it's controlling every tiny aspect of my life, but i need it to write about the people that make me feel human. i don't DO writing. i do typing. this summer is all about me starting over. i'll get that belt i want, those pink drainpipes, my purple & pink hair cut & colour on tuesday. i'll buy prom make up, shows & a small purse in aid to become more girly & comfortable. i am who i am, and who i am doesn't believe or choose to believe in things that can't be explained. my world is in black & white - no grey areas allowed. everything has to be a yes or a no, cold or hot, short or long, tall or short. it can't be "kind of" or "a little bit" - it MUST be definite. trust. i don't know how to explain who has mine. people can't trust me, but only i know that. my friends think they can trust me - but only half the time they actually can. why have i stopped eating? i hate it. the smell of food has started to repulse me, the very mention of it making my stomach churn. my stomach hurts now, but only because it's so empty. i've eaten a bagel today, and it's 7:05 @ night. i want tattoos. i want my lip pierced. i want, i want, i want. never mind "wants". what the fuck do i NEED? that's more important. if only anyone fucking knew these days. my whole body is stiff & in pain after writing this. i have honestly no clue about how i can finish it all, knowing that no one will have read this far. it's not interesting. i'm not interesting. the only interesting things are harboured in a world that i'm not a part of. i NEED to go there. please?

Yoyo, I thought that I'd start using this thing as a means of updating you on the writer behind the stories, and some other little stuff, too.

First, I'll explain about my rentals [mum and step dad]. I was reading a post from last October where I was bitching about them being asswipes, but we've all been making awesome effort to get things better since then, and now they are :]
I have a pretty good relationship with them now and it's enabled me to be a generally more positive person, which is good news for everyone.
However, they have decided that I can only have an hour a night on the computer on weekdays. At the weekend I can have as much time as I want, so I'll be doing about 3 updates every school night and 5 every Saturday and Sunday :]

Today I had 4 hours of of 10 that I'm getting for my Art exam. Luckily it's going damn well, as is the rest of my coursework and exam stuff. I even found out last week that I can fail my next ICT [computers and shizz] Unit and still get a really high mark overall, so yay :]

I can honestly say that my stress is evaporating after my little break from Zilla!. And it's very handy that my grades are good, too, and I have stuff to look forward to.

The Academy Is... - 21st :]
My Chemical Romance - 24th :]
Eleven weeks off school - June-September :]
COLLEGE! - September :]

Plus, whilst all of that is going down and I'm updating PSOFAG constantly, I'm writing a new story.
It's sort of like AOD, in the sense that it's set in a College and has Frank in it, but the names are different, it's more elaborated, and it will also be my best work to date.
If you liked PSOFAG, you'll adore this next story.

That's pretty much all I have for today.
Check back for my concert/gig reviews later on in the month :]

xo.