faerienunu's Journal

well here we are... doing something that i always dismiss in other people, writing a blog/journal/plea for attention about how shit im feeling at the moment hummmm.... might as well go write some poetry why i'm here...no offense intended to anyone who does write poetry, just i dont have the time or patience for it myself... everything is so fucked up in a way... my mom's well stressed again, what a bloody surprise and i don't know how to help her, how to make her feel like everything's ok because at the end of the day its not my fucking fault that things turned out between my parents how they have done, that she now feels lonely and so insists on going out with my father to do food shopping, when he is the cause of her loneliness in the first place... its not my fault that she's failing miserably at her diet and is sitting around whinging about how rubbish she's doing, whilst gorging on a chocolate bar... she doesn't have the willpower, something i see occurring in myself quite regularly which is also worrying! im trying...but obviously not hard enough...how many times havei binged now to make myself sick after, i cant even throw it all back up again just a bit and then im satisfied...when im not really, the cellulite on my thighs is hideous, i dont want to end up overweight...my ribs stick out a bit thats good just i seem to carry all of my weight on my thighs my fucking horrible thighs... need to try harder.... ive got a gorgeous boyfriend who i think im falling in love with and he lives so far away, so ive only been able to see him twice so far but we speak on the phone pretty much every night and it feels worth it...just not being able to see him, to hug him and tell him how happy he makes me feel all the time, its like being blissfully happy and yet horribly upset at the same time, its not right...and speaking of him, im not allowed to stay overnight at his when i visit, hummm i think i should say to my mother "look mom i care about him and we'll probably sleep together one day, deal with it..." or i could just not come back, but then i wouldnt be allowed anywhere at all... i just feel low and i want go back in time and get rid of all the crap ive eaten today...i want someone to read this, so someone knows what i feel like, what i actually feel like i guess im just sad and i feel like crying but i cant, physically cant, i guess im too afraid my mom will come in and ask me whats wrong cuz i cant exactly go, well to be honest its you being a manic depressant thats pissing me off! its the fact that ive done dishes and shiznit every single day this week and nobody has said, thanks nuala, the fact that people happily dump rubbish on the side instead of putting it in the bin and then dont wonder how did it end in the bin? hummm could it be nuala by any chance! IM FED UP i hate the fact that she lies there on the sofa whinging about how fed up she is...go to a fucking counsellor for christs sake, do something about your problems instead of making them everybody elses...grrr....