ember2's Journal

9/16/08- Greetings!! Haven't seen the new journal in a LONG time! Anyways, I'm listening to Christmas music while writing this; it's like my favorite kind of music...:D. Well, I wrote in this journal a REALLY long time ago when I couldn't post so I've kept it until now so I'll copy and paste it if you wanna read it.

5/9/08 Wow, been a long time since I've posted. Well, now I'm posting with some great news. So, on Wednesday night I went to Youth Group and the day before I went to the dentists and everything was great, as usual and then I had to hold on to the car door while riding back because it broke and it wouldn't shut. So Mom called like all her guy friends asking if they could fix the door and turns out none of 'em could, except A. I just knew it was meant to be when the first two guys said they couldn't. So we went out there and watched Slash put together an entire Bass guitar, take pictures of it then strip it down again, in complete silence. Yes, we all stood there, including Doll, just watching his brother work on the guitar the whole time. But then Mom came back with the car door fixed and we were taking Doll back to his Mom's house. I sat in the back with him and my Mom and brother sat in the front. I knew this was the time to ask him to Youth Group, it was just meant to be. So I gathered my courage and asked him when my Mom and brother were talking so my brother couldn't make fun of me for asking him to come with me somewhere. And he said, after thinking for a few seconds, "Sure." I was SOOO excited I could barely stand it. I asked, "Really?" and he was like, "Yeah, I'll have to ask my Mom and stuff." I was the happiest girl on earth right then. We got to a place we could drop him off and walk and right when he was getting out, I asked him again to make sure he didn't forget and he said, "Yes, yes, I'll ask." I just sat back in my seat grinning, hugely. My Mom turned back and gave me a big grin. We headed out and I went to school the next day, Wednesday, and I had no idea if he was coming and he didn't talk to me all day. Then, when I had an orchestra rehearsal with the full orchestra during my last class, it finally ended and I was thinking, "Ok, just gotta find him and ask him if he's coming." So I packed up and started to walk down the steps of the stage and I looked up right when I was thinking about where he might be, and there he was. He was doing his 'walk' (it's pretty cute and funny) towards me, he lifted his head and looked straight at me. I smiled and said, "Youth Group?" He looked down at me and said, "Yup." I turned back to Nersha and continued to follow her since I was going to her locker. Then realized he was following me wherever I was going so I said to him, "We're going to go to Nersha's locker, ok? Do you mind?" He looked down at me again and said, "Nope." So, we went to her locker and stayed there until I decided to go and we headed outside and got into the car. I offered the front and he took it, obviously. We picked up my brother and went to my house where I changed and made some cookie bars. He was playing a videogame with my brother the whole time. When the cookie bars were about 7 minutes into cooking, Doll lifted his head from the couch and said, "Cookies! I smell cookies! Are they done? Can I have some?" I just laughed and said, "They aren't cool enough yet." Finally, when they were done, I got everyone some and then packed to head to YG early. Of course, my brother was being especially mean to me, saying horrible remarks and putting me down the whole time, since we had company over. I felt hurt practically the whole time we were together, my brother and I. He doesn't know anything about it and probably never will because he's so selfish. Then we gave Doll some dinner before heading there early and we got to the huge street we have to cross to get there. But, Doll doesn't like to cross at crosswalks if it takes longer to get to the destination, so we J-walked across the street. We finally got over there after about 10 heart attacks for me. We got inside and found Micro and Fish (a friend from church who is a grade lower and acts exactly like a fish and even looks like one) in the Cafe. We stayed there for a while and Doll explained how he asked his Mom if he could come to YG. He said that she got really mad and he told he could just say no and she replied that he had to go, so he did. Then we walked around for a while and he looked SOOO bored and I kept saying how bad I felt because he looked so bored. I probably should have stopped because then he looked annoyed. Well, we found the younger group's party and we went down the huge blow up slide and my other friend, who's a grade older, was there and my brother and Doll ate pizza for a while. Then we went in and found Jamie and we hung out for a while it was pretty stupid because he just looked bored the whole time. Then it was finally time to go in and we sat in our usual spot. Turns out the popular annoying people sat in front of us, they kept turning around to look at us, but mainly Doll. Then they'd turn around again and huddle and laugh their stupid girly laughs. Finally, we stood up for worship and he was standing practically a foot from me. Micro and I also didn't have enough room to stand so he pushed the chairs forward just a bit and the popular girls thought this was terrible so they gave us a look and bumped it back with the back of their legs. We discovered this was a game and started to push the chairs forward A LOT. Then Doll thought this looked fun, so he started to push the chair forward a lot more. Micro and I were laughing so hard, and the thing is, he was grinning the biggest I'd ever seen him grin when we were laughing. The populars were then getting REALLY annoyed, mad and loud by this time. We continued this until one of them turned around and asked Doll what his name was and he had to repeat it once or twice for them to hear it. They turned around and giggled and he just gave 'em a look. Then the same one turned around again and said, "Do you paint your nails?" He said, "It's old," and they said, "Can we see it?" So he showed them and they gave a look of pure disgust and started to back away, "The first one came back to inspect and said, "EW, are you emo?" He looked at them and said, "Well, technically, we're all emo." Micro was laughing EXTREMELY hard and said, "Emo means emotional." And Doll said, "So you see we're all emo." They just gave him a look and started to talk this over with giggles and squeals. By this time, Doll's arm was rubbing mine and I was having the time of my life. Eventually, Doll pulled one of their chairs back and put his back so he had taken one of their seats. They turned around and said, "Where's are chair? Go get it!" He replied, "You can go get it, it's not that far." One of them rolled their eyes and got back. Then we finally sat down after our stomachs exploded from laughter. He looked kinda proud of himself, too. I leaned over to him and said, "That was good." We got through the sermon and headed to our small groups. He sat by another girl he knew from school and rarely talked the whole time. The leader of the group said that she was going to be gone next week and that whoever could replace the new leader's name with her name as many times as possible, would win a drink from the Cafe. I could see his eyes light up at this new competition and said, "Well now I'll have to come next week, I'm extremely competitive." I thought, "I don't usually like your competitiveness but right now it's the best thing in the world." I tried to hide my smile and I didn't really talk in the group. So, after we were done in small groups Micro and I headed upstairs to get our stuff and I came back and he was swinging his belt in a circle and I just said to him with a smile, "Having fun?" He said, "Yup, this is a lot more fun than it looks." I started to laugh because he was swinging the belt for like an entire minute and he was grinning again as I started to laugh. So then Micro and I said goodbye as we headed for the cars then he offered me the front seat in a very nice way, but I said no and we got onto the road to drop him off and we got on the subject of hair. And Mom asked Doll if he would trust anyone to cut his hair since his older brother didn't care who cut his hair and how it looked. And he said that there is only a certain amount of people he would trust. So my brother asked if Doll would trust me to cut his hair. Doll turned around and stared at me until I turned around to stare back at him and he said, "I guess so. Probably, because she has long hair too." I smiled and stared out the window again. We finally got to his place and it wasn't a house it was an apartment. It reminded me of when my Dad was living in an apartment and it was terrible, and Doll's house looked almost exactly like it. I was going to ask him if he was coming next week or even for his email because I was thinking about getting it and emailing him. But I never did so I just stared at him walk to his door doing his 'walk' (so cute). Then, yesterday, I was going to school and I asked my Mom if he just liked me as a friend and she said that she thinks he's "taking a second look at me." So now, my week has improved by so much. Well, that's what happened to me that's interesting and most recent, I'll tell ya next week after Wednesday night and if he ever comes. Bye!

I think that was the first time I invited Doll to youth group but now I've gone up to the older youth group (that sounds weird) but I DID invite Doll to that one and I don't think he liked it. I don't know, maybe he did, he just always seems so bored there. So, I'm just gunna summarize the months in between these posts. Well, summer was great and I went to my Dad's for 4 weeks of the summer and went through a mini-depression... that wasn't fun. I got back home and my mom brought my friend Raigne to the airport to pick my brother and I up. I almost cried I was so happy to be home and to see my friend. Oh, I also got blue streaks in my hair while I was there. They're REALLY cool. Aaaand, what else is there? Oh! Almost forgot about my other journal I started with a friend. It's SO cool, we share this journal and read each other's entries and then write our own and switch. The cover is really cool too, it has a bunch of emotions typed out and colorful from Word. I taped it down all by myself! :D So Doll has also begun to express some interest in me; I was told from one of the leaders at Youth Group. He's also talking to me and waving at me at school WAY more often because I told him he didn't even talk to me over Myspace messaging. He said he didn't even realize he did it. I was kind of angry at that. But anyways, I had a great summer and a wonderful first month of school although it may've been a little difficult at times. :D

4/25/08 Hey guys, does anyone know how you can check how many people have looked at your journal? It'd be great to know. Anyways, I had a dream the other night (look at that, I'm starting to sound like my mom) about Slash and Doll. So I was at house that looked like my Great Grandma's house and the one I lived in when I was like in Kindergarten. So, we were having a party there and I knew none of the people. I was sitting at the table being extremely bored and Doll and Slash walk in. Doll walks in first and I'm like, "Hey, there's Doll, whaddya know." Then Slash walked in my eyes got huge and I was sooooo excited. Doll sat down and I ran over to Slash and gave him a huge hug. I gave him the kind of hug I would give my Dad at the airport after I haven't seen him in a long time. Then I turned him around to face Doll and I peeked out from Slash's waist to look at Doll and then I hugged him again and gave Doll the niggest grin I could possibly out on. Then I woke up. I told my Mom the story, she said that my extreme grinning behind Slash probably meant I was trying to say to Doll that I can get either one of them and if I pick Slash, Doll would be extremely jealous. I don't know what to think though. Today my Mom told me that A was supposed to come over, I asked if Slash was coming because I knew that he didn't have Doll this weekend. She said that he might but she didn't know and I was extremely excited. So A just showed up like an hour ago, but he was without Slash. I felt so crushed. It was horrible. Now I'm over it, but when I thought Slash was coming, it was like my Dad was coming. It was a wonderful feeling, but then it was totally smashed, I don't know what to do anymore, if you have any advice, please tell me.

4/14/08 Hey, so I saw Doll last night. He was so cute, sitting and making that look of complexion (sp?) at the laptop. I was writing poetry across from him last night. Ok, so he came over and he sat in the chair I'm sitting in right now (it still smells like him, which is something I like) and we talked about English class for a while and how much we both dislike the teacher and I was on a stool sitting across from him. Then I showed him my Halo Theme music and the Star Wars music we're starting in Orchestra. Then we went to jump for a while and eventually my brother came out and we all jumped, he was being so annoying. Then I had grabbed one of the blue balls out of the yard and was kicking it around and Doll wanted it so I stood on the picnic table where he had emptied his pockets, so I looked down and saw all his stuff and I picked up his keys and put in my pocket he started yelling, "Hey! You can't do that!" but I just smiled and picked up his twenty dollar bill and put it in my pocket. He just continued to complain and jump while I took his wrist thingy, then he got really serious and said, "That thing'll go off and spout fire and then your pocket will be on fire." I just looked at him and was like, "Ok?" After that he called me an emo out of the blue and I was really shocked because I'd never been called that. Then he just continued to jump then we went in and they both got on the computers and I was really bored so I just sat by him and took his (which was on the counter already) belt. I was wacking him on the face when I decided to make cookie bars. I did and then I discovered we had no chocolate chips so I asked my brother if he wanted to walk to the store with me and he said no then I asked Doll and he said no, then I leaned next to him on this chair and said, "I'll give you back your stuff." He looked at me then turned back to the laptop and said, "You know how to drive a hard bargain." I stood up again and smiled. He got up and started to put his shoes on and I got out the door and we headed out. We didn't really talk about anything, but we did talk and laugh. Then we got to the crosswalk across the big street and I started to run to the button to make sure we had time to get across and I turned around to see him running across the street. I was absolutely shocked. I stopped and pushed the button and watched him from across the street. I finally made it across and we walked the rest of the way to the store and a lot of people gave him looks, I told him and he said he didn't care. That's something I love so much about him. We got to the aisle and got two bags of chocolate chips and he gave me an expecting look and I said, "What?... Oh the stuff." I gace all of it back to him and he put it all in his mouth and I laughed, I said, "Now you're going to get a lot of looks," and he said, "I know." So we bought the chocolate chips and got outside and he J-walked across the street again and got a green car to honk at him for a long time. It was pretty funny to him in the median throwing them a look. I got to the crosswalk and I swear it was the longest light of all time. He had the bag with him and he crossed to the other side so he was to my left and diagnal from me. He got out one of the chocolate chip bags and ripped it open and started eating while leaning against the pole of the light. I just laughed and shook my head. I finally got across and we started walking while he was eating chips. We talked still but nothing really important. He broke a branch from a bush and gave it to me, I don't care what you think but I loved that branch until he started throwing the chips at a cat under a car, then I threw it at him. Then when we were almost home I told him he was a lot like my dad, he was just silent. Then we got into all the places I have lived, and I told him all the places and that sixth grade was the worst year of my life and I had to live in terror of what tomorrow would bring every night. Then he gave me a look and said, "You are WAY more emo than me." I've never been called that and I don't really know if he's right because I don't really use labels. Then we got home and I finished the cookie bars and he got back on the laptop and sat in this chair. I then sat across form him in the green couch and wrote my last poem, Tomorrow to Come, just staring at him. He would look up every once in a while and catch me looking but I would hold his look and he would eventually look away. I was so proud of myself. Then I told him I needed on for just a second and I got on and typed my poem and he got the stools by the counter and out one on my brother's head and one on his and sat on this chair, looking very strange. I laughed and finished typing and let him get back on. Then my friend Nersha called and we talked for a while, she told me to put her on the phone with Doll to ask a question and I did. I was laughing and giggling the whole time, they actually talked for wuite a while. Mainly about how bad school is right now. Then I was able to get back on and I said bye and started writing my second poem which I got too distracted from to finish. Then I cut the cookie bars up and gave some to my brother and Doll. Doll really likes the cookie bars. Then his dad came back to pick him up and my mom came too and we went to bad too. But when I still had his stuff he went up to my room and decided to yake something of mine and he was like, "Too clean, can't handle it." So I still dont' know what he took, if he took anything. And I went to school today and he didn't say anything to me. He looked at me quite a bit though. My mom said that he should talk to me now because if he didn't that would be just weird. But he didn't talk and I guess that was wierd but then again, he's weird. So yeah, thats what I did last night and today mainly. I wish he was still here, he has the brightest green eyes when the sun hits 'em just right. They're SO cute. Ok, this is just making me miss him even more so I'll stop. Comment if you want!

4/13/08 Hey, I have been doing almost nothing for a while. I put together a cute outfit and I've been doing laundry. My crush might be coming over in a little while with his brother or just him, I really don't know. I think it was Tuesday his brother and dad came over and my mom had sent us to bed because some of her friends were over. I was upstairs with my bedroom door closed and I thought I heard a guy's voice so I leaned my ear against the door and heard his brother and dad (crush's brother=Slash, crush's dad=A, crush= Doll(I called him Doll because he has REALLY long hair)) coming in and talking away. I smiled at the fact that they were here. So then, my brother and I were going to go get Slash to come upstairs and play a videogame on the Gamecube or PS2. I called down to him and he came to the stairs and I was really shocked becuase he was in tan corderoy (sp?) pants with a button-up collared shirt that has striped blue. Also, he had no hat which is something he usually has when he comes over. I was in complete shock, I said to him, "Woah, you're all like dressed up." He just stared at me like, "So what?" I finished asking him but he never did come and I felt all shaky and nervous after talking to him. Is this bad? I like Doll, not Slash. And now I can't even call Slash without breaking into an extremely cold sweat. What'm I supposed to think? Do I like Slash or Doll? UUGGGGHHH!!!! I don't know anymore, everything's so confusing. I mean, Slash and I get along so well, we can talk so easily and we relate in almost everything, I mean everything. It's really weird how alike we are. I just don't know what to think especially since he's two years older than me. I this normal? I feel so bad all the time and nervous whenever both are around. Do I like both? And if so I shouldn't, that's just wrong and I want to hit myself for feeling this way. What do I do?

4/7/08 Hey! Alright, so let's start with what I did this weekend. On Friday, my mom was gone all night so I didn't get to see her and my brother and I stayed home all night. Saturday was way more fun. I didn't see my mom for over 24 hours, yeah 24 hours. Then, my friend came over. We had an aweome time. W ehad a meeting and learned about how to take care of disabled children in church when they come to the kids' service. It was actually pretty cool. We had this activity where there were like 8 or ten of us standing in one line and if you stepped back or forward you lost or something. So, the pastor handed out two blindfolds to each line and I got one of them. So the point was to get the three end-of-the-line people (which was me) to the other end without stepping out of line. So I put the blindfold on and was instantly scared of what was going to happen. I hate not being able to see things, I really do. I called out to my friend and she was right there telling me it was ok and we were going to make it, she grabbed my finger like she always does and kept reassuring me. It felt really great to have someone there the whole time. Then the first person came in front of me to get to the other side, that was scary because I didn't know what she was doing or where she was or where I was supposed to be I felt out of place like I was a nuiscance (sp?). Thank goodness she got across ok because I was like freaking out. Then it was my turn, began to take my first step and I was out-of-my-mind scared. But when I was in the middle of the line I recognized that where ever I reached there were hands offering help. Once I heard another of my friends say hi, I instantly knew who she was and why she was a person I liked to talk to. So I got to the end with a lot of cheating but I felt really good. I felt so well cared for. Then my friend who I came to the meeting with, said that one of the other people had fell over while I was crossing and I then felt so bad. She hadn't even made a sound when she fell, at least I hadn't heard it. I felt horrible, like I was some burden that everyone had to carry and care for again and again. So yeah, that was a very interesting experience for me. Then my friend and I walked back home and I talked to my mom on my cell phone who still wasn't home and I kinda got smart with her and told I'd take my own sweet time getting home like her. My friend and I had a debate after that whether I should do that to my mom or not. My friend (we shall call her Raigne from now on) was all for my mom being gone and I was really angry because she just didn't get it. I only see my dad twice a year and I barely see my mom, like at all. I thought I had the right now get smart with her but Raigne was not so happy about it and said that I should treat my mom better if she's gone that much. I could see the point but when I don't have any parents home for a long time and the only people I see are Raigne and my brother I'll get angry. I'm sure some of you are with me on this, I don't wanna feel alone. So then Raigne went home after a while and I was at home and saw my mom one more time for the rest of the day. It was pretty fun because Raigne had gotten a plastic waterbottle and we punched it across the floor, I don't know why but it was hilarious. Then on Sunday, I went to church and worked at the kids' service again. It was pretty boring, hardly anyone communicates with me there. Then I came home and My other friend called and I went over to her house and we called up Raigne and she came, it was so cool because we jumped on her trampoline and I learned how to do a half backflip. It's where you land on your back and flip backwards, it was so cool. Then we ate lunch and decided to walk over to my house. My other friend brought her bike and Raigne gathered the guts to sit on half the seat while my other friend (we'll call her Oreo) sat on the other half and peddled. I ran alongside barefoot on the pavement. I tried once but I didn't wanna do it again so I ran the whole time. We stopped by the church and I had to go through a large section of dirt and hay without shoes, I was offered some but didn't take them. So I made it across and we got in and walked around all with no shoes. Then we came back out and crossed the huge street to my neighborhood. I ran most of the way barefoot still while Oreo and Raigne were on the bike, I actually liked running without shoes. I then felt my toe stub on the pavement and I made a face and almost screamed but I held it back and just continued the face, I didn't look down otherwise it would've distracted me so I just pictured it and it didn't look that bad. Then I stubbed my toe again and did the same thing. We got back home and I got onto the step and finally looked down. My toes were a mess with blood, it had sprayed all up my leg and there was a bloody piece of skin hanging off. It looked pretty bad. So I kinda whimpered and Oreo and Raigne came over and just stared at my feet then they started to freak out, I headed up to the bathroom and cleaned up, it hurt like heck. So then we jumped and I practiced my half backflip some more and I actually landed it, it was pretty sweet. Then my friends had to go home and I went inside and my mom finally came back form her church thing and we got to go over to my crush's house except he wasn't there. So we watched K-Pax. I highly recommend it for future counselors. One of the best movies. So we stayed up until like midnight so thats why I'm tired, I'm also sore and my toes hurt. Well, that was my weekend. Oh, I almost forgot I ran a mile barefoot, got some scars doing so and learned how to half a backflip. That's what I've been telling everyone lately so yeah, cya later!

4/4/08 Ok, so I started writing a bunch of poems on Tuesday after seeing Gone Baby Gone. I've been writing ever since. It's SO much fun. I thought I couldn't really write poetry but I just got out my fave notebook and started to write. It was the best experience. Your feelings just go into words but the rhyme and go together so you're not just writing it's like you're singing your feelings on paper. I LOVE it. I've also shared with so many people, and they all love them. I let my mom read them first because I was kinda nervous. She read through them and said, "Those are nice, where'd you get them?" I said to her, "Mom, I wrote them." She gave me a look of complete shock, looked back at them and said, "YOU wrote these?" I just sorta laughed said, "Yup, you like them?" She gave me a look that said what do you think I love them. We sat there in the car waiting for my brother to get outta school. She then turned around and said, "Can I get a copy of them? I'd also like to send some to my friend." I looked at her and thought, "She can't be serious, her friend is like the most creative person I have ever met. She won't like them." So I was like ok if you want a copy, go ahead. Then I typed them up and then put them on quizilla, so go ahead and read them. Anyways, my srush is going ok, I called him twice to see if he could come to youth group, but he didn't pick up. So then I went to youth group and my best friend ignored me, we may've communicated five words and she didn't even say goodbye. So then I talked to one of the leaders about her and what I should do and I came so close to crying right on the spot and I didn't know why. So I just sorta had to cut the conversation short and head home. I got into my room, curled up on my floor and cried for a long time. I finally finished and went downstairs to get my notebook, came back up and found a note on my floor. I was form my mom saying she was sorry about the situation I was in. I cried again and wrote two more peoms that helped greatly. I went to school the next day and my other best friend was really affectionate. A good thing too, I needed it. She was saying, "I need a hug," like all day long. I loved it. Then I got onto the computer Thursday and my friend apologized. It was the greatest feeling I had had in a very long time. We were soon talking about how we truly felt about eachother and sharing some personal thoughts about eachother. I LOVED it. I have never loved an IM conversation more. So anyways thats what happened to me this week. Cya!

4/1/08 Hey, happy April Fool's Day! I'm not going to pull any pranks in this post because I'm kinda tired of the whole thing. Besides, I already got my laugh by watching my mom get squirted with the hose thing connected to the sink. I put scotch tape over it so it would spray wwhen you turned the faucet on. Anyways, I had an awesome dream I think it was Monday night. I dreamt that I was at a wedding and I was standing at the front of the church, with a huge crowd watching me in my huge white dress. The crowd was kinda hidden because the lights above me were too bright. Ahead of me was a black coffin, but I didn't know what was in it. I looked to my right and there was another girl in a big wedding dress, the exact same as mine. I heard footsteps behind me a looked over my shoulder. Walking towards us was a nicely dressed man. He was dark, tall, and looked like he hadn't shaved for a while. He looked at me and the other girl, then grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to the front to stand in front of the coffin. He pulled a gun out of his vest and put it to my head. I thought, "He won't shoot me that fast. He'll say a few words or something." Turns out I thought wrong, he pulled the trigger so fast I wasn't ready for it. Obviously, I died right then and there. But I reappeared next to the other girl but as an invisible ghost. She was bent over bawling like crazy and the guy just stood there facing the crowd. I looked over at my body and there was no blood whatsoever, but I couldn't see my head where I was shot. I kinda forgot the next part, but the only thing I remember is going outside with my friends because they could see me. We went out there and we were in search of something, I'm not sure what but I was rolling down a hill of dirt with pinecones and needles because we were in a forest. I thought to myself, "This is the greatest day of my life! I can't die, why not role (sorry, mind blank, forgot how to spell that) down the hill?" Then I remembered we were all searching for somthing and I was at the head of the group. I had to almost yell at myself to focus and get back on task. And that's all that I remember of the dream. But it was so cool, it's probably the best dream I've ever had besides all the flying ones. It was the best form of happiness I've ever experienced in a dream. So, yeah. Just wanted to tell you that. Oh, today at school, I sit next to this person who is kinda popular and she's like a boy professional. So I let her guess my crush and now she's gunna go ask his best friend if my crush likes me because she is close to his best friend. I don't know what he'll say or if my crush has even told his best friend. So I don't know what to think anymore but I'm kinda excited to see what he says to her. Alright, see you later, I'll probably write sometime soon enough, bye!

3/29/08 I'm sorry I haven't written in a long time, been busy for a while. Anyways, cool was the only mood that was the closest to relaxed. I love long, lazy Saturdays. If you read my last journal, you know I have a crush. Well, we went over to his Dad's house and watched a movie with my family and his so there were six of us total, it was pretty packed. So, we were sitting at the dinner table listening to music that his older brother was making us listen to to make us "socially intelligent" because we didn't know any popular bands of the past, my brother and I. It so weird because my crush kept looking at me and smiling and laughing. He'd try and talk to me and talk about me. So he had to leave early to go back to his Mom's so he left and his older brother made two CD's for me. I LOVE THEM!! I carry them where ever I go, it's really hard to part from it before school. So anyways, the next day at school, I didn't really get to see him and the next day I had lunch with him, he never really looks at me then. So yesterday, I had a class and lunch with him. You'd think that after all the time we've spent together and all the times he has sent me signs that he likes me, he'd talk to me even look at me. Guess what, he doesn't even make eye contact! I hate it, he is so confusing and annoying. I went to youth group on Wednesday and asked for some advice. The pastor's wife, which happens to be a VERY good friend of mine, said that I should talk to him about it. She said he probably doesn't talk to me becuase he doesn't want his friends seeing him with me. So, I am going to talk to him sometime next week, at least I'm going to try. I'd love to see him one more time before talking to him so I have a fresher example of how much he talks to me at his house or mine and not at school. So yeah, there is my post for this journal of mine online. You can reply with advice or not, it doesn't matter, like I said.

What's today again? ... oh yeah! 3/20/08 Ok, now that I'm done figuring out the date in this extremely long Spring Break we'll get to what I did today and the feelings experienced. So last night I had a sleepover with one of my best friends. I love sleepovers but I was feeling horrible, my throat hurt and I ached all over. I know this sounds boring but there is something exciting. I dreamt about my crush for the third night in a row. Strange huh? So the first one we were walking around the school right after school waiting for his and my mom and so he eventually held my hand and I was the happiest girl in the world. Then some girl getting into her car yelled out, "(My name), why are you holding his hand, you already know he's got two girlfriends!" And I looked back at him completely shocked and said, "WHAT?! How could you do this to me? I don't understand." Pause for a second I gotta tell you something else. Thing is when we were walking he was taller than me (which he already is) when held my hand he was my same height. Ok play again. So then he turned and just hung his head looking ashamed, then he grew shorter than me. It was really weird. Then we met in the doorway and he met my eyes once while I was coming out of some program which I was taking his palce in, which I had agreed to do before he held my hand. So I just glared at him and he hung his head again as I walked by. There, end of dream one. Ok dream two. I was in my Reading Workshop class but we were in my history teacher's class. So my freind came in and said, "(My name) I have some awesome shampoo for you and she squirted this white foam stuff in my hand. I was just like ok? So I put it in my hair and it felt just like shampoo. It felt like I was washing my hair in class. I was thinking, "How in the world am I supposed to go into the hallway with this stuff in my hair?" So I stayed in class and read and eventually I felt my hair again and found it was extremely curly. I walked over to my crush and said, "Does this look ok? Is there anything in my hair?" And he just stared at me. And I was like Hello? Are you there? And he looked back back down at his desk, he didn't look ashamed, just like he knew I wasn't there anymore. Anyways, third dream! This one is pretty short... so I was walking out of school but it looked like one of the parking lots st Wal-mart. So I looked to my left and I saw my crush and his older brother saying goodbye. They looked like they were saying goodbye for a very long time becuase they stood there holding eachother for the longest time. So I just thought, "That kind of love between two brothers is the hardest thing to find these days. This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." So I continued down the parking lot watching him get into some car and drive off with his brother watching sadly. I looked back inf ront of me and took off my two hats (yeah I don't know why I had two hats) and my hair was back in a ponytail so I took it out and thought, "I'd better look and feel free." Then I woke up. I know, I know, you must think I'm crazy but these are the dreams I have when I have a crush. It happened with another crush I had. I had a dream and finally translated it and it told me that I was supposed to stay away from this guy but I didn't and now I realize I should have. Anyways, I really like this guy he's soooo smart, you have no idea. He is like the smartest guy I've ever known. And he's nice but doesn't even notice I'm there. I talk to my mom about him all the time and I get so excited whenever they come over because his dad and my mom are good frineds. So yeah, I don't know what to think anymore. You can give me some feedback, but you don't have to.