bitter.til.tuesday's Journal

Well, you see, the thing is, she ONLY talks aboutmy friend that I wrote about earlier, and thinks I only have friend issues, yatayatayata. She sucks. So that doesn't help in the healing process either from my cutting. I hate life. I wanna kill myself. It'd be GREAT. :)

Every fricking time I think I've gotten away from cutting and suicide and everything else, I start again. I mean, how do I always screw everything up? Really. I don't deserve this life. Guidance counselor doesn't help either. She thinks my only problem in life is "friend issues". Well, now I have seven fresh cuts going across my arm. So I guess I would say that I have other issues than "friend" issues. More like SELF ABUSE issues.

Well the counseling thing didn't go that bad, but my friend still won't open up. She says that it's cuz last year she had an issue dealing with things, and after that she kind of stopped opening up so often. So it leaves me feeling like complete crap, especially since I don't ever know what the frick is wrong, and she won't tell me. But I still love her as a friend, don't get me wrong. Just saying though. It sucks, and I don't feel trusted, so I feel like I'm the only one that's trying to help the situation. Plus, my guidance counselor thinks I'm only in there cuz of the "friend issues" that I've had when in reality I'm having issues with dealing with the past. I used to self inflict (cutty cutty) and sometimes I wish I still were. But how am I supposed to tell my guidance counselor that without her having me come in all the time. GAH! I don't know.

All my friends are back home. But I was still bitter about the whole thing and didn't talk to any of them for like, three-four hours. Then the one that I really do get along with no matter what, well I went and sat by her and we talked for a while. I guess they had some fun, but it wasn't that great. Then I talked to the rest at lunch. I think one of them is ticked at me cuz I'm seeing a guidance counselor now, and I kinda sorta got her involved in it....and now on Thursday she has to come with me to counseling cuz I told the counselor I was having some issues with getting her to open up (she won't: hence, I feel as though she doesn't trust me) so now the guidance counselor said I should have her come in with me. She hates counselors. HATE. And today, after I said bye to her, I guess she wasn't responding to anyone else (this was not too long after I told her about what is happening on Thursday) so now I don't know what's going on. Gah!

Now, this ticks me off. 1, they're (my friends) staying in a 4-star hotel supposedly. 2: They get to be on a seven hour road trip. I love road trips dangit! Lucky...people. But really, I'm more happy to be here, I just hate being alone. I don't really like change. Plus, this figures that the night they leave, my mother found out I was depressed (not so much now, but in the past..ok a few months ago) and hurt myself. So now I get to see a guidance counselor, and guess who doesn't even have a clue that I'm going through heck back home. My "friends." Gah.

Why did they ahve to go, and then talk about it so much before hand. Do they just not care about ME??? And do they even care that I have FEELINGS??? I mean, I understand their excited, but there are other things to talk about. Ugh. And then they're all: "OH, poor Jamie! Your gonna be all alone." Yah, I know.

All my friends have left on a trip, and will not be back until Tuesday. I am alone, and this sucks. My gosh I'm BORED.