XxmotojixX's Journal

i don't trust people. even though I'm young and all, i grasped the fact that this world is unjust. humans are fickle-minded and could back stab you at any time, anywhere. i actually want to learn to trust more. it's hard being so pessimistic about my friends.... i feel so guilty that i don't trust them enough..or... at all. but hey, i'm not sure if they trust me too. i don't trust at all and it makes it hard on me..... i barely trust so much that at school when we're assigned a group activity and need to bring stuff... the night before i keep calling everyone to remember to bring they're stuff.. i even try to bring as much as i can because i feel like they won't bring the stuff. even when i call them i feel scared coz even if they prepared they might forget to bring it the next morning. and even if i tell them to put it in they're bag i feel as if they're lying to me when they say they did already... i'm not sure if living this way is good.... i easily worry and i always think of the negative side of things.. it's hard.. really hard. :| this way of thinking is only good coz i guess i can practice how to survive in the real world. coz in the really world you can trust no one. deceiving and back stabbing is a way of life for some so why bother being a victim when you can prevent it? .... i am so confused... what to do? what to do????....

uwah!! this is so hard!! i like this kind of thing.... like uhmmm writing stories for anime/manga... and stuff connecting to those two. but my family really dislikes it and tells me i'm too addicted so i can't write stories for anime coz they'll laugh at me when they see it and then they'll tell me i'm too addicted again! ususally, people who like anime come from a family of animaniacs and those kind of people. but! i'm not like that! my family opposes to the idea of liking anime too much.. i mean.. it's my life! my siblings are the preppy kinds. my two sisters are really beautiful and my brothers are handsome. and i'm the ugliest and geekiest of all. my two sisters are so gorgeous they're gonna be models already! and here i am writing here while they enjoy their perfect lives. it's really not fair ne? am i really that useless??? my siblings always call me names like geek, nerd, addict, and a whole lot more... i guess i already got used to it so i don't mind anymore. one time, my really gorgeous sister told me this, and i quote, "you're EVERYTHING i DON'T want to be.". i felt awkward after what she said that so i left the room. why should i have been born this way? i never wanted anything in my life but to be happy.. but here i am hiding my true self like this.... i don't want my family to see me do things like this coz they'll call me names again and then laugh at me more. *sigh* why should i be like this? i really like how i am.. and i like being me. i just wish i could improve myself more. i sit here, in front of the computer for almost the whole day. i'm not joking. while my siblings go on their marry way to their friends and all. i really wish i was a better me. i can't even show my real self in my family. where else could i show it? :| :| :| my sisters are all thin and sexy and they keep telling me i'm fat so now i barely eat so i could be thinner. i don't get it.. why should i be this way? why should i have been born this way? why?!? arggg... i guess i was meant for a life like this. a life somewhere in the dark. where no one can see me. and it's just me, myself and i. my life will be so much better if no one noticed me. so then i could go on with it normally and do everything i want.

this is a question i haven't found the answer to yet. i was just thinking about this last night..... i mean.. what IS LIFE? what is it? after we die.. everything we did in life will go back to zero. everything will be useless... and at this modern age, education is made the highest priority. but when you think about it... all the great inventors were either drop-outs or drunkards.... i bet even they themselves didn't know that they'll be our foundation of science or something. there is so much more to life and to this world than just the cycle we were accustomed to. the cycle which begins at our birth and then we study afterwards we have a family and have children. there is more to that! explore! people! go around the world! learn stuff that isn't from books! not everything can be found in books! life is all about excitement! spontaneous actions! it shouldn't be scheduled or prepared. this is what i think about life.... life is pretty weird don't you think? you really don't know anything.. you can't even expect the unexpected coz when you expect the unexpected then it becomes expected and it won't happen! see what i mean or am i just going around in circles? life is pretty cool you know... it seems so mysterious and i bet not even 1/4 of life's hidden knowledge is known to the world and man-kind... i must say.. living was a chance given to us and we must never let it go to waste. i hate people who commit suicide or turn their life to . that just means that they don't fully grasp the concept that once it's gone there's no turning back and no getting it back. but those are just pretty stupid people. they must have a hard life so who can blame them? but i still say they're stupid (no offense to suicidal freaks out there... oops.. did i say freaks? sori!! :)>-) that ends my journal for today! :)) it's fun being able to voice out my thoughts like this.. also one more thing.. in life... the sky isn't the limit... coz it is limitless. don't let yourself be inside a box. you must learn to think and BE outside the box. no one can stop you from what you want to do so don't let anyone stop you. that's just it i guess! thanks for bothering to read my ramblings today!

it's really annoying when my parents keep pressuring me to do really well in school. they don't really care about what i think. they keep telling me i absolutely need to get honors. i have to do whatever they say too... it's so annoying... i know they're all about the "it's best for your future" or "you need to study to get a good job". But thinking about the future isn't my thing. i live in the "NOW", the "present". Decisions for my life must be made by me and no one else but me. they try to control my life. it's rather annoying. i know i'm still young but i'm not stupid. i accept all the results of my decisions. i take full responsibility for them. but they stil lthink i'm a child. i read freakin shakespeare! damn it!! most NORMAL children will DIE of BOREDOM reading that!! and i happen to ENJOY it! ... arg..... i just wish they canunderstand me more..... arggggg.............. but i still love them and all.. since they were the ones who brought me here and made me alive. but.. don't they get the fact that once i'm in this world i have nothing more than blood connecting me with them? that may be a lot but even a child understands that people have different LIVES for a reason. i have my own freakin heart, lungs, feet, arms, and BRAIN! ARGG!