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June 9, 2008

What I'm Going Through Right Now

Just wanted to let a lot of you know why I haven't, or might not, be on Quizilla as much as I'd like to. So I apologize if I have neglected any of you in my lack of usual communication. Just know that I check my account daily and will answer any messages that are sent for advice or just needing to rant to someone who will listen. I said I'd be there and I still am.

My husband and I are dealing with a family situation, well, more him than me actually. I wanted to let everyone know and also to get everyone's opinion on the matter. I'll be hypothetical and substitute some details, but this is what we're going through and I'd like to know how you would feel.

So let's say your parents got divorced when you were young, say 7-10 years old. You stayed with your father while your mom and brother moved away. All of you kept in touch to an extent through the telephone, mail, or sometimes the computer. As you became an adult (got married and had a child) your contact with your brother became almost nonexistent. You talked to your mom on holidays, and knew you could talk to her at anytime, but your brother never communicated with either you or your father. Your father had tried for years and always asked about his son, but was just told that he was okay (from his mother) or they didn't know(mostly from you). When your mom came down to visit you to see your newborn son, she decided to tell you that your brother was HIV positive. She said that he was healthy and taking medication, but that he didn't want you or your father to know about that. She then told you to promise to not tell your father, and asked that you didn't try to force contact with him because you would only drive him further away. So even though you were confused and upset about it and didn't want to keep something like that from your father, you ended up going on with life as it was, thinking that your brother was fine as far as you knew. Two years later, your mother calls you late one night telling you that your brother is dying and that he might not make it through the night. Shortly after talking to her, your father calls, nearly out of his mind, because he just got a huge bomb dropped on him. You travel to see your brother and you, your father, your mother, and her brother are there together. You find out that your brother's dying from an untreated ear infection that had spread to his brain and even though they could operate, there was little chance that he would survive, let alone recover. You end up leaving because you didn't want to be there to see him die, and was at home when he finally passed a few days later. The family, including you, had talked about going to Disneyland sometime that year to celebrate your brother's life because that was his favorite place when he was a kid. In the months following, you found out a few things. Your brother actually had AIDS before he had died, and you and your father were never told. You found out that after you had left the hospice where your brother had died, your father was basically ignored. Nobody talked to him, and though he was there, nobody gave him a second thought when it came to your brother's possessions. Actually nobody asked you as well. Lastly, you find out that the "trip" the family was supposed to take together was in fact being planned, it just didn't include you or your father. You had told your mom and brother to let you know what was being planned so you could prepare, because you had to ask for time off and save money if at all possible, being that you support a spouse and child. You find out that your mom and uncle had already reserved rooms at the Disneyland Hotel, and that they were for them, your step sister and her husband, and for your step brother and his dad. Everyone but you and your dad, and neither of you could afford to stay at that hotel, definitely not by the time you had found out.

So now your dad has had it. He never deserved any of what he had to go through, and since he had made his piece with his son before he died, is now exiling your mother and her family from his life. You love your father and understand why he's upset completely. You also love your mother, but you are very confused. Why did she think it was her choice whether or not to tell you or your dad about his illness and his getting worse? Why would a mother tell her child about their brother, tell them not to tell their father and not to push contact with their brother, and them not tell them anymore until it was too late? Even all of that aside - why would she continue to treat you and your father the same way in your brother's death as she did when he was alive?

My husband has just told his father recently about his mom telling him about his brother being HIV positive. Even though he's been forgiven, and that it probably wouldn't have changed anything, he still feels guilty and feels that he should've told his father years ago. The fact is, my husband should never have been told in the first place. He shouldn't have been the one to tell his father; he shouldn't have been told if he wasn't going to be told more if his brother became ill. He shouldn't have to see what she's doing to his dad. He shouldn't have to ask his mother why it seems like she doesn't care, or ask her every question you need an answer to. So right now, my husband is upset, confused, hurt, and he doesn't want to have to talk to his mother yet about all of this; even though he has to. He loves his mom and doesn't want to upset her, but at the same time she has upset him. I'm seeing all of this and am standing behind my husband through it all. It's tough, and frankly, none of this e should've ever happened. These are all grown adults here, and to me, it's all horribly pathetic. Ridiculous!

So that's why I'm not online as much as I would like.

What do you think about all of this? How would you feel? Do you agree with the way my husband and his father feels?

I'm a mother, and I would NEVER do what my husband's mother has done. I just do not understand and probably never will, but that's just how I feel.

Thank you for reading this, and I hope everyone understands why I might be absent from time to time. I also thank everyone for being a friend to me. I appreciate every single one of you. My writing has been something I have used to cope with life in general, and for those of you who actively support that, it means the world to me. I'm not perfect, but even I need encouragement every once in a while, and it's you guys who keep me going!

~Mystress~

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