I feel so numb at the moment and I don't know why. It feels as though I'm trapped in this body, it's just a shell. I can't feel ANYTHING. Literally. It's almost as if the mask I put on in front of everyone, the emotionless mask, is starting to become real. Like I can't feel anything, I don't feel. Well, that's what it's like at the moment. I'm not feeling anything. All I can do is remember. But nothing good comes from remembering my past, I won't dwell on it, it's behind me now.
But it's like I'm in this shell doing nothing but watching he world go past. It seems like someone else is typing this comment even. I do things unthinkingly, because I do them so often. Things tumble out of my mouth, yet they are the words I would say. Sometimes I feel things, but at the moment I feel numb, I can't feel anything. But when the pain comes, it's so much worse than I can imagine. I know that believing in the mask is just plain stupid now, I don't know why I wrote that lol. The mask is just fake, I don't believe in it, because I know the real me.
But I didn't before. When I was in depression, I thought I couldn't feel anything. That's why I self-harmed. Now I realise. I didn't self-harm because it eased the pain. I did it so I could feel the pain. I wanted to feel human. Because feeling pain is what makes us human, an I didn't feel human. So I self-harmed. To feel human.
Also, if you read my previous entries, I thought my parents didn't love me. I was wrong. About my mother anyway. I love my mother and she loves me. How can I tell? I can see it in her eyes, the way she talks to me, the way she hugs me. She's just a loving mother. She shouts at me, to protect me from my father. I realise that now. I don't know if my father loves me or not. Mother said he wouldn't think twice if he beat me to death. That's what kind of got the idea in my head that mother loves me but not father. But I don't think I love father anyway. He takes care of me because he has to. Mother takes care of me because she loves me. If I wouldn't break away from them, I would do it for mother, not for father, never for him, I couldn't care less if he died of heart-attack. I would only do it, for mother.
I fear for my little brother. Because if I broke away, and so did my older brother (I have suspicions about him) then what would become of little Honey? I suppose I would take him with me and if it were nessecary, I would take mother with me too. But I WILL be free one day. One day.
I am coming out of my metaphorical hole, and nothing, NOTHING will stop me this time. I swear it. I WON'T go back to crying myself to sleep, I WON'T go back to letting them hurt me, or giving into the pain. I WON'T. I'm stronger than that and I know it. I can resist. And theywon't, can't hold me down. Not anymore.
Love Always,
Alora
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Comments
@ 3:12 PM EST on Saturday, April 21, 2007, love-still-hurts said:
I must say that the story of your life is pretty sad and so simular to mine except for a few minor details....the last part though is pretty inspirational! Saying you are stronger then that and you will survive, if only all the children had such a strong mind and soul! Good luck with everything and if you ever feel like talking you can always reach me...@ 11:48 AM EST on Monday, April 9, 2007, MoodSwingGirl said:
Thank you so much you guys. You have no idea what it means to me that you commented, it gives you that warm feeling inside, knowing that you're loved, wanted. I have found my wings, but I can't use them now. I have to wait till the oppurtune moment (as Jack Sparrow said!) And that song is really beautiful darkwarrior17! Thank you again, my friends. ^_^@ 9:15 PM EST on Sunday, April 1, 2007, darkwarrior17 said:
Song called "Room OF Angel". Type that into Youtube to hear how the song is sung. I think you'll like it You lie, Silent there before me Your tears they mean nothing to me The wind Howling at the window The love you never gave I give to you you really don't deserve it But now theres nothing you can do Sleep In the world made by me Here's a lullaby to close your eyes Goodbye It was always you who I despised I don't feel enough for you to cry Oh well Here's a lullaby to close your eyes goodbye goodbye goodbye So insignifacant Sleeping dormant deep inside me Are you hiding ever lost Under the Sewers Maybe Flying high in the clouds Perhaps your happy there without me So many seeds have been sown in the field Who could sprout up so blessedly If I had lef I would have never felt sad at all You will not hear me say I'm sorry Where is the light I wonder if it is off weeping somewhere Here's a lullaby to close your eyes Goodbye It was always you that I despised I don't feel enough for you to cry Oh well Here's A lullaby to close your eyes Goodbye Here's a lullaby to close your eyes Goodbye It was always you that I Despised I don't feel Enough for you to cry Oh well Here's a lullaby to close your eyes Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye@ 7:08 PM EST on Saturday, March 24, 2007, xblackxangelxwingsx said:
You are much stronger,with just believing You are stronger than the thing that holds you down. And the feeling of being in a shell and know one knows who you really are...most know that feeling. It is a pain of it's own. I can tell your serching for truth in this and what the effects would be if you break away,maturity on the highest level. Nothings going to hold you down any more...you have found your wings. If you need us we're here. ~xBxAxWx@ 9:22 AM EST on Saturday, March 24, 2007, betteroffbleeding said:
You are stronger than that. you know it, so don't ever think otherwise. No one will hold you down now, no matter how hard they try. Much Love- Norah@ 6:58 AM EST on Saturday, March 24, 2007, animeIris said:
i agree...i feel the same way to...shit...my so called "bestfriend"...