I am taking Claude DuVall OFF HOLD and I shall post the new chapter soon.
Have a nice day ^_^
Updates From The Quizilla Team
What happened to the journal manager?
Users can't delete or modify posts at the moment, but this functionality will be back soon!
MoodSwingGirl's Journal
February 16, 2008
Life is Hard
Hi, update on life! It’s been pretty shit, but it’s getting slightly better.
Right, well in the last post, you know I said we all hated Chelsea? I was wrong. Abi and Daniel like her now. She’s apologised, and she’s now going out with Daniel again! X@
Now, Abi and Daniel like her again, and seeing as Daniel is now going out with her, he’s obviously gonna spend lunchtimes with her. By the way me, Natalie and Krissie still hate her. So Natalie allowed Chelsea (AKA Rat Features) to have lunch with us because she didn’t want to lose Daniel. I was against the whole thing and I said I wouldn’t have lunch with them if she was there, I only told Natalie and Krissie this. Later on, a friend talked some sense into me, I realized I as being selfish and not a very good friend. So I am now going to have lunch with them and Rat Features for Daniel. I don’t wanna lose him because he is a really good friend and means a lot.
Rat Features knows I hate her and I’m only doing this for Dan. So if and when she leaves him, he’ll still have us and we’ll have supported him throughout everything.
Two of my friends have had a break up and each of them says that the other should come and find them to make up. I think it’s getting kinda ridiculous, but I’m still friends with both of them, because they are my closest friends and I can’t lose either of them.
But things are getting better. The lunchtime I spent with Daniel, Abi, Natalie, Krissie and Rat Features was actually quite fun, mostly because I ignored Rat Features and she didn’t speak to me.
Oh and Illusion Overtone are going to release a new demo!!! WOOOO! Lol I’m gonna get a copy of that hopefully ^_^
That’s all for now, bye.
Ahem, another update:
You know how the group is split up in two? Abi’s side and Charlotte’s side? Well guess what now?
THEY HAVE MADE UP.
Un-fucking-believable isn’t it? I still hate Charlotte. And Abi! Of all people to make up, she did it! She was the most pissed off! Well, I am now, but still!
Me, Natalie and Krissie are the only ones of this group who still seem to be SANE. We are the only ones who hate Charlotte (as far as I know).
We’re still friends with Abi and Daniel and Coombs, but we hate the rest. Although Zac seems to be ok now, we’re civil to each other, but not friends exactly.
God everything’s fucked up again. But don’t worry about me, I’m still alright, I haven’t broken down or anything. I’m dealing. I’m still smiling, having fun and laughing.
I am fine, a few years ago, I’d be completely depressed, but now I’m learning to deal with these problems.
What do you know? I am actually growing up.
Right, well in the last post, you know I said we all hated Chelsea? I was wrong. Abi and Daniel like her now. She’s apologised, and she’s now going out with Daniel again! X@
Now, Abi and Daniel like her again, and seeing as Daniel is now going out with her, he’s obviously gonna spend lunchtimes with her. By the way me, Natalie and Krissie still hate her. So Natalie allowed Chelsea (AKA Rat Features) to have lunch with us because she didn’t want to lose Daniel. I was against the whole thing and I said I wouldn’t have lunch with them if she was there, I only told Natalie and Krissie this. Later on, a friend talked some sense into me, I realized I as being selfish and not a very good friend. So I am now going to have lunch with them and Rat Features for Daniel. I don’t wanna lose him because he is a really good friend and means a lot.
Rat Features knows I hate her and I’m only doing this for Dan. So if and when she leaves him, he’ll still have us and we’ll have supported him throughout everything.
Two of my friends have had a break up and each of them says that the other should come and find them to make up. I think it’s getting kinda ridiculous, but I’m still friends with both of them, because they are my closest friends and I can’t lose either of them.
But things are getting better. The lunchtime I spent with Daniel, Abi, Natalie, Krissie and Rat Features was actually quite fun, mostly because I ignored Rat Features and she didn’t speak to me.
Oh and Illusion Overtone are going to release a new demo!!! WOOOO! Lol I’m gonna get a copy of that hopefully ^_^
That’s all for now, bye.
Ahem, another update:
You know how the group is split up in two? Abi’s side and Charlotte’s side? Well guess what now?
THEY HAVE MADE UP.
Un-fucking-believable isn’t it? I still hate Charlotte. And Abi! Of all people to make up, she did it! She was the most pissed off! Well, I am now, but still!
Me, Natalie and Krissie are the only ones of this group who still seem to be SANE. We are the only ones who hate Charlotte (as far as I know).
We’re still friends with Abi and Daniel and Coombs, but we hate the rest. Although Zac seems to be ok now, we’re civil to each other, but not friends exactly.
God everything’s fucked up again. But don’t worry about me, I’m still alright, I haven’t broken down or anything. I’m dealing. I’m still smiling, having fun and laughing.
I am fine, a few years ago, I’d be completely depressed, but now I’m learning to deal with these problems.
What do you know? I am actually growing up.
posted at 12:38 pm EST | 0 comments
January 15, 2008
Growing Up
Hi, it's been a while. I've changed so much in a year it's weird. I've had so many revelations, and all these problems have really toughened me up.
Well, in year nine, I was friends with a big group of friends and we had awesome times. This year, that group has been split in two. There's Abbie's side, and Charlotte's side. Me, Krissie, Daniel, Natalie, and Georgia have taken Abbie's side and Zac, Coombs, James, and Chelsea have taken Charlotte's side.
In case you're wondering, Abbie's side is better. Charlotte is a whore and fucked up in the head and so is pretty much everyone on her side aside from Coombs.
Now, Chelsea used to be on our side, and Zac had some creepy obsession with her, he kept sort of kidnapping her and attacking her. So we protected her for a while. She was going out with Daniel and he really loved her (young love).
Turns out, she was using us more than Scott Briggs uses his gob! (A lot in other words)
She never really wanted to go out with Daniel, I don't know why she did in the first place. But now, she’s gone from trusted friend, to shit on our shoes.
But in a way, she did us a favour, because when she hung around us for lunch, it was always boring and conversations nearly always revolved around her and Zac's obsession with her. But now, we’re having fun again!
She is the wannabe emo type of girl who carry's an MCR handbag/schoolbag and has dyed her hair dark purple. She acts like she doesn't have a mind of her own, she laughs when we laugh, agrees with every fucking thing we say. She's a pushover, selfish and can't stand up for herself.
We actually hate her now. I mean HATE her, not just dislike.
She fucked Daniel over and left him heartbroken and feeling like shit. We're all standing by him and each other. She may have used us and left us, but we're gonna stick it out together. And it's not helping Daniel that she’s holding hands with Zac, but he says he hates her now.
So we're just gonna ignore her and when she's around: SHE DOESN'T EXIST. That's the plan we made. Me and Nilufa indirectly took the piss out of her in maths when we sit on the same table. We were just ignoring her and saying things like: "Don't you just hate wannabes?" "Especially ones with MCR bags, they're so fake." By the way, I love MCR, but too many emo wannabes have their merch. Anyway, she was trying to cover her ears according to Nilufa. Lol
I think I've become really harsh and my tongue has become crueler. But I'm more affectionate to those I love and tender hearted. I've started hugging people a lot more. I know when to keep my mouth shut and to stay out of things more now.
All these problems have toughened me up and I'm wiser and I've developed my writing style and general style. I've had lots of new revelations too.
I've realized I don't care anymore. He can go out with as many girls he wants, I'm past caring. I know he'll never like me and I'm fine, I'm content with friendship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not over him, I still like him, but...I've just liked him for so long, I've gone past the stage where every time he goes out with a girl jealousy stabs my stomach. He still makes me smile and makes my stomach jolt with joy every time I see him. I can still dream though right?
Also I've realized, when no-one else is there, my dreams are there, always eager to entertain.
I've realized who my true friends are too. And that Natalia understands me like nobody else does. And that Nilufa is like a sister to me, that Krissie always brightens up my day, that Daniel is just awesome, that Natalie and I are opposites, but we're still really close, Natalie W and Bex have warped my mind lol, Charlotte and Chelsea are whores who should go and fuck Zac and Scott. Also that my older brother is my hero and ideal role model and is on my side and my little brother is sweet and I would go the earth's end for him.
I wouldn't trade any of my friends or my brothers for the world, not when they're all I have in this world in the first place.
I now have two groups of friends, one group is the misfits like me, basically the ones I was talking about in the previous paragraphs. The other is the more popular, rockers kind of people. There's only one problem: The two groups don't like each other and I'm sitting on the fence. But they both respect my choices and don't insult each other in front of me. But if it was a choice between the two groups, I would choose the misfits, simply because we're closer, I trust them more. The other group we're just loose friends we don't trust each other as much, but I still like them.
I've realized, making the choice and breaking away isn't going to be so hard. I just have to fight, and eventually I will get the life I want.
I've been so encumbered with teen problems, school issues and homework and coursework, I've barely had time to read any books whatsoever! I've read some, but that's it.
I've matured so much it's unbelievable and I'm not so immature and childish. Of course, I am childish when having fun, but everyone is. I've learned to cope with everything and help others cope and always be there for my friends. It's gonna be my birthday in 8 days, I'm going to be 15.
I think this is the process I'm going under to become an adult.
I think I've finally grown-up.
Well, in year nine, I was friends with a big group of friends and we had awesome times. This year, that group has been split in two. There's Abbie's side, and Charlotte's side. Me, Krissie, Daniel, Natalie, and Georgia have taken Abbie's side and Zac, Coombs, James, and Chelsea have taken Charlotte's side.
In case you're wondering, Abbie's side is better. Charlotte is a whore and fucked up in the head and so is pretty much everyone on her side aside from Coombs.
Now, Chelsea used to be on our side, and Zac had some creepy obsession with her, he kept sort of kidnapping her and attacking her. So we protected her for a while. She was going out with Daniel and he really loved her (young love).
Turns out, she was using us more than Scott Briggs uses his gob! (A lot in other words)
She never really wanted to go out with Daniel, I don't know why she did in the first place. But now, she’s gone from trusted friend, to shit on our shoes.
But in a way, she did us a favour, because when she hung around us for lunch, it was always boring and conversations nearly always revolved around her and Zac's obsession with her. But now, we’re having fun again!
She is the wannabe emo type of girl who carry's an MCR handbag/schoolbag and has dyed her hair dark purple. She acts like she doesn't have a mind of her own, she laughs when we laugh, agrees with every fucking thing we say. She's a pushover, selfish and can't stand up for herself.
We actually hate her now. I mean HATE her, not just dislike.
She fucked Daniel over and left him heartbroken and feeling like shit. We're all standing by him and each other. She may have used us and left us, but we're gonna stick it out together. And it's not helping Daniel that she’s holding hands with Zac, but he says he hates her now.
So we're just gonna ignore her and when she's around: SHE DOESN'T EXIST. That's the plan we made. Me and Nilufa indirectly took the piss out of her in maths when we sit on the same table. We were just ignoring her and saying things like: "Don't you just hate wannabes?" "Especially ones with MCR bags, they're so fake." By the way, I love MCR, but too many emo wannabes have their merch. Anyway, she was trying to cover her ears according to Nilufa. Lol
I think I've become really harsh and my tongue has become crueler. But I'm more affectionate to those I love and tender hearted. I've started hugging people a lot more. I know when to keep my mouth shut and to stay out of things more now.
All these problems have toughened me up and I'm wiser and I've developed my writing style and general style. I've had lots of new revelations too.
I've realized I don't care anymore. He can go out with as many girls he wants, I'm past caring. I know he'll never like me and I'm fine, I'm content with friendship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not over him, I still like him, but...I've just liked him for so long, I've gone past the stage where every time he goes out with a girl jealousy stabs my stomach. He still makes me smile and makes my stomach jolt with joy every time I see him. I can still dream though right?
Also I've realized, when no-one else is there, my dreams are there, always eager to entertain.
I've realized who my true friends are too. And that Natalia understands me like nobody else does. And that Nilufa is like a sister to me, that Krissie always brightens up my day, that Daniel is just awesome, that Natalie and I are opposites, but we're still really close, Natalie W and Bex have warped my mind lol, Charlotte and Chelsea are whores who should go and fuck Zac and Scott. Also that my older brother is my hero and ideal role model and is on my side and my little brother is sweet and I would go the earth's end for him.
I wouldn't trade any of my friends or my brothers for the world, not when they're all I have in this world in the first place.
I now have two groups of friends, one group is the misfits like me, basically the ones I was talking about in the previous paragraphs. The other is the more popular, rockers kind of people. There's only one problem: The two groups don't like each other and I'm sitting on the fence. But they both respect my choices and don't insult each other in front of me. But if it was a choice between the two groups, I would choose the misfits, simply because we're closer, I trust them more. The other group we're just loose friends we don't trust each other as much, but I still like them.
I've realized, making the choice and breaking away isn't going to be so hard. I just have to fight, and eventually I will get the life I want.
I've been so encumbered with teen problems, school issues and homework and coursework, I've barely had time to read any books whatsoever! I've read some, but that's it.
I've matured so much it's unbelievable and I'm not so immature and childish. Of course, I am childish when having fun, but everyone is. I've learned to cope with everything and help others cope and always be there for my friends. It's gonna be my birthday in 8 days, I'm going to be 15.
I think this is the process I'm going under to become an adult.
I think I've finally grown-up.
posted at 3:17 pm EST | 2 comments
May 27, 2007
MOTHERFUCKER!
I'm kinda pissed off at Friend1. She says that I'm turning into Friend2 and Friend3 and she doesn't like it. I'M NOT! Even Friend2 says I'm not turning into them. I asked why that was so bad and she says she wants me to be myself. I AM FUCKING BEING MYSELF GODDAMMIT!!! She says she doesn't like me changing. SHE'S CHANGING TOO! She says I'm turning like them, well she FUCKING IS TOO!!! It's almost like she thinks I'm stealing her fire. FUCK!
Sorry. I'm just pissed off right now, and I feel like crying. And she thinks she knows Friend4 better than I do. She thinks Friend4 HATES zog, that she would kill him. But she wouldn't. She is frustrated because she doesn't want to like him, but she'd never kill him. We talk loads about it. Friend1says that they talk a lot too. Sure, but Friend4 hasn't shown her the dreams she writes down in her notebook. She doesn't tell her about them, because Friend1 doesn't like it when Friend4 talks about zog in a nice way, because she thinks Friend4 HATES zog and she thinks she has her all figured out. SON OF A BITCH! She thinks she knows things, but she FUCKING DOESN'T!!!
Don't get me wrong, I love her, she's my best friend, but she is REALLY starting to PISS ME OFF! It's just...argh.
Well, that's pretty much my afternoon in a fucking nutshell.
I seriously hate her for this. I love her, but I hate what she's doing right now. I have been putting up with her saying this for at least a month or two and I've FUCKING HAD ENOUGH OF HER BULLSHIT!!! I feel like screaming or crying or punching something. I just wanna do SOMETHING.
I wish she'd just stop it. I didn't know it would affect me so much. It shouldn't affect me so much. I'm supposed to shrug this off. I always do. I don't know what's wrong this time, but it won't stop plaguing me. I shrug it off in front of her, but now...it's just...yeah.
I'm gonna go now. Bye.
Sorry. I'm just pissed off right now, and I feel like crying. And she thinks she knows Friend4 better than I do. She thinks Friend4 HATES zog, that she would kill him. But she wouldn't. She is frustrated because she doesn't want to like him, but she'd never kill him. We talk loads about it. Friend1says that they talk a lot too. Sure, but Friend4 hasn't shown her the dreams she writes down in her notebook. She doesn't tell her about them, because Friend1 doesn't like it when Friend4 talks about zog in a nice way, because she thinks Friend4 HATES zog and she thinks she has her all figured out. SON OF A BITCH! She thinks she knows things, but she FUCKING DOESN'T!!!
Don't get me wrong, I love her, she's my best friend, but she is REALLY starting to PISS ME OFF! It's just...argh.
Well, that's pretty much my afternoon in a fucking nutshell.
I seriously hate her for this. I love her, but I hate what she's doing right now. I have been putting up with her saying this for at least a month or two and I've FUCKING HAD ENOUGH OF HER BULLSHIT!!! I feel like screaming or crying or punching something. I just wanna do SOMETHING.
I wish she'd just stop it. I didn't know it would affect me so much. It shouldn't affect me so much. I'm supposed to shrug this off. I always do. I don't know what's wrong this time, but it won't stop plaguing me. I shrug it off in front of her, but now...it's just...yeah.
I'm gonna go now. Bye.
posted at 2:09 pm EDT | 3 comments
May 7, 2007
It has happened again...What a FUCKING surprise!
OK, you're probably wondering what has happened again. Basically the guy I like is going out with someone from my class. I'm not mentioning names. He used to go out with someone else who I didn't know. Now he's going out with another girl. What makes it harder for me is that the girl is a bit of a whore. The fact that I know her makies it even worse. Why does he always go for these kind of girls?
God, I'm trying so hard not to cry right now. I don't want to feel like this! I don't mind the butterflies that fly through my stomach and when my heart beats faster and that shit, but what I cannot stand is that his ALWAYS happens to me!
FUCK
God, I'm trying so hard not to cry right now. I don't want to feel like this! I don't mind the butterflies that fly through my stomach and when my heart beats faster and that shit, but what I cannot stand is that his ALWAYS happens to me!
FUCK
posted at 3:22 pm EDT | 6 comments
April 5, 2007
NEW STORY!!!
I have created a new story called Claude DuVall: He's Just A Common Criminal...Isn't He
PLEASE PLEASE READ IT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!
PLEASE PLEASE READ IT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!
posted at 9:38 am EDT | 3 comments
March 24, 2007
Numb
I feel so numb at the moment and I don't know why. It feels as though I'm trapped in this body, it's just a shell. I can't feel ANYTHING. Literally. It's almost as if the mask I put on in front of everyone, the emotionless mask, is starting to become real. Like I can't feel anything, I don't feel. Well, that's what it's like at the moment. I'm not feeling anything. All I can do is remember. But nothing good comes from remembering my past, I won't dwell on it, it's behind me now.
But it's like I'm in this shell doing nothing but watching he world go past. It seems like someone else is typing this comment even. I do things unthinkingly, because I do them so often. Things tumble out of my mouth, yet they are the words I would say. Sometimes I feel things, but at the moment I feel numb, I can't feel anything. But when the pain comes, it's so much worse than I can imagine. I know that believing in the mask is just plain stupid now, I don't know why I wrote that lol. The mask is just fake, I don't believe in it, because I know the real me.
But I didn't before. When I was in depression, I thought I couldn't feel anything. That's why I self-harmed. Now I realise. I didn't self-harm because it eased the pain. I did it so I could feel the pain. I wanted to feel human. Because feeling pain is what makes us human, an I didn't feel human. So I self-harmed. To feel human.
Also, if you read my previous entries, I thought my parents didn't love me. I was wrong. About my mother anyway. I love my mother and she loves me. How can I tell? I can see it in her eyes, the way she talks to me, the way she hugs me. She's just a loving mother. She shouts at me, to protect me from my father. I realise that now. I don't know if my father loves me or not. Mother said he wouldn't think twice if he beat me to death. That's what kind of got the idea in my head that mother loves me but not father. But I don't think I love father anyway. He takes care of me because he has to. Mother takes care of me because she loves me. If I wouldn't break away from them, I would do it for mother, not for father, never for him, I couldn't care less if he died of heart-attack. I would only do it, for mother.
I fear for my little brother. Because if I broke away, and so did my older brother (I have suspicions about him) then what would become of little Honey? I suppose I would take him with me and if it were nessecary, I would take mother with me too. But I WILL be free one day. One day.
I am coming out of my metaphorical hole, and nothing, NOTHING will stop me this time. I swear it. I WON'T go back to crying myself to sleep, I WON'T go back to letting them hurt me, or giving into the pain. I WON'T. I'm stronger than that and I know it. I can resist. And theywon't, can't hold me down. Not anymore.
Love Always,
Alora
But it's like I'm in this shell doing nothing but watching he world go past. It seems like someone else is typing this comment even. I do things unthinkingly, because I do them so often. Things tumble out of my mouth, yet they are the words I would say. Sometimes I feel things, but at the moment I feel numb, I can't feel anything. But when the pain comes, it's so much worse than I can imagine. I know that believing in the mask is just plain stupid now, I don't know why I wrote that lol. The mask is just fake, I don't believe in it, because I know the real me.
But I didn't before. When I was in depression, I thought I couldn't feel anything. That's why I self-harmed. Now I realise. I didn't self-harm because it eased the pain. I did it so I could feel the pain. I wanted to feel human. Because feeling pain is what makes us human, an I didn't feel human. So I self-harmed. To feel human.
Also, if you read my previous entries, I thought my parents didn't love me. I was wrong. About my mother anyway. I love my mother and she loves me. How can I tell? I can see it in her eyes, the way she talks to me, the way she hugs me. She's just a loving mother. She shouts at me, to protect me from my father. I realise that now. I don't know if my father loves me or not. Mother said he wouldn't think twice if he beat me to death. That's what kind of got the idea in my head that mother loves me but not father. But I don't think I love father anyway. He takes care of me because he has to. Mother takes care of me because she loves me. If I wouldn't break away from them, I would do it for mother, not for father, never for him, I couldn't care less if he died of heart-attack. I would only do it, for mother.
I fear for my little brother. Because if I broke away, and so did my older brother (I have suspicions about him) then what would become of little Honey? I suppose I would take him with me and if it were nessecary, I would take mother with me too. But I WILL be free one day. One day.
I am coming out of my metaphorical hole, and nothing, NOTHING will stop me this time. I swear it. I WON'T go back to crying myself to sleep, I WON'T go back to letting them hurt me, or giving into the pain. I WON'T. I'm stronger than that and I know it. I can resist. And theywon't, can't hold me down. Not anymore.
Love Always,
Alora
posted at 6:53 am EDT | 6 comments
March 12, 2007
Please Read This!
A friend of mine aerialacebabe has asked me to help get people to read her journal. She would like more people to read them as they are very important.
Thanks
Harlequin
Thanks
Harlequin
posted at 3:15 pm EDT | 0 comments
February 14, 2007
Hospitals....
I hate hospitals. I don't know why I'm writing this, but I'm scared of hospitals.
It's the smell. That smell of disenfectant. Even as I'm writing this, I feel weird. Whenever I think of hospitals, my throat feels weird and I feel slightly sick. It's the same with dentists and drugs, illegal or not. We did a science lesson on drugs ages ago, and I felt sick all through it.
And the sound of a hospital. If you stop and listen while you're in a hospital corridor, you'll know what I'm talking about. THERE ISN'T ANY SOUND!!! It's so eerily quiet. You can hear a pin drop. It's so scary. And there's so many doors, behind each of them there could be an operating theatre, where they're butchering someone....*shudder*
I'm just rambling on now, but still...I'm gonna stop now, I'm making myself sick. lol
Bye
It's the smell. That smell of disenfectant. Even as I'm writing this, I feel weird. Whenever I think of hospitals, my throat feels weird and I feel slightly sick. It's the same with dentists and drugs, illegal or not. We did a science lesson on drugs ages ago, and I felt sick all through it.
And the sound of a hospital. If you stop and listen while you're in a hospital corridor, you'll know what I'm talking about. THERE ISN'T ANY SOUND!!! It's so eerily quiet. You can hear a pin drop. It's so scary. And there's so many doors, behind each of them there could be an operating theatre, where they're butchering someone....*shudder*
I'm just rambling on now, but still...I'm gonna stop now, I'm making myself sick. lol
Bye
posted at 8:35 am EST | 3 comments
February 14, 2007
Valentines Day
What is the big deal with Valentine's day anyway? It's just a pointless holiday for major companies to make money, it doesn't serve a purpose, it's just a pointless day for couples to get all kissey and romantic.
It is laso one of the most depressing times of the year. People realise just how lonley they are and believe it or not, that blade looks veeeerrrrrry tempting.
People say Valentines day is a special day for the couples. Fair enough. But what of the heart-broken??? They feel even more rejected and hopeless. It's not fair to them. All the hearts and confetti adn couples kissing make them feel depressed and lonely as they realise just how much their heart can stretch before it collapses again. It feels like the world is out to get them. Call me a killjoy, but I hate Valentines day.
And what's with the secret admirer thing at the bottom of cards? The whole point of being a SECRET admirer, is to remain a SECRET isn't it?!! Jesus. Then the person who recieves the card tries ot find out, they find out, and either they don't like the addmirier back, and your heart gets broken or they DO like you, in which case great. But wouldn't it be better just to have told them in the first place???
And don't even bother commenting or messaging if you're gonna insult me, because it will be a complete waste of time, space and energy and I will just delete it. And if you don't want me to put up things like this, then don't bloody read them!
It is laso one of the most depressing times of the year. People realise just how lonley they are and believe it or not, that blade looks veeeerrrrrry tempting.
People say Valentines day is a special day for the couples. Fair enough. But what of the heart-broken??? They feel even more rejected and hopeless. It's not fair to them. All the hearts and confetti adn couples kissing make them feel depressed and lonely as they realise just how much their heart can stretch before it collapses again. It feels like the world is out to get them. Call me a killjoy, but I hate Valentines day.
And what's with the secret admirer thing at the bottom of cards? The whole point of being a SECRET admirer, is to remain a SECRET isn't it?!! Jesus. Then the person who recieves the card tries ot find out, they find out, and either they don't like the addmirier back, and your heart gets broken or they DO like you, in which case great. But wouldn't it be better just to have told them in the first place???
And don't even bother commenting or messaging if you're gonna insult me, because it will be a complete waste of time, space and energy and I will just delete it. And if you don't want me to put up things like this, then don't bloody read them!
posted at 6:46 am EST | 3 comments
January 19, 2007
YES!
I got his email address from a friend!!! Well, him being the guy I like.
Well, from now on I'm gonna call him ZOG, or Z. Just so ya know if I write about him again (which I most likely will be).
Wow. This is prbably th eshortest journal entry I've ever written.
Bye
Well, from now on I'm gonna call him ZOG, or Z. Just so ya know if I write about him again (which I most likely will be).
Wow. This is prbably th eshortest journal entry I've ever written.
Bye
posted at 11:37 am EST | 2 comments
January 19, 2007
YES!
I got his email address from a friend!!! Well, him being the guy I like.
Well, from now on I'm gonna call him ZOG, or Z. Just so ya know if I write about him again (which I most likely will be).
Wow. This is prbably th eshortest journal entry I've ever written.
Bye
Well, from now on I'm gonna call him ZOG, or Z. Just so ya know if I write about him again (which I most likely will be).
Wow. This is prbably th eshortest journal entry I've ever written.
Bye
posted at 11:36 am EST | 2 comments
January 4, 2007
School
We went back to school yesterday. It's was so GOOD to be back! And the boy I think I have a crush on, well, he's back! He's ok, nothing bad seems to have happened to him. I am so goddamned relieved!
Well, that's pretty much all.
Well, that's pretty much all.
posted at 12:03 pm EST | 4 comments
December 20, 2006
Crush!
Hi! I think I have a crush on a boy from my form in school. MangastarSpirit will know what I'm talking about!
Well, anyway, he is just so CUTE! I feel like an idiot, but I am going to complete this entry! He is alright when he is on his own, but when he is with his friends, he is a complete DICKHEAD. Seriously, I was in the line for the canteen and him and his friends were pushing and shoving, down right annoying! And then he took and tray and tried to slide it into my bag, then when I turned round, they started laughing! ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! lol.
But I still like him. GOD! Things were so much easier when boys had boy-germs! lol.
This one time, it was raining, and he came into the class room with his hair (dyed black) dripping and all in his face, he looked just so goddamned HOT! Never thought I would be talking about a boy like this, but I guess that was when boys had boy-germs!
I gave him a Christmas Card (before I realised I liked him) and he grinned at me with his thumbs up. Now when I look back at that... Y'know!
Now he hardly comes to school anymore. A friend said he was skiving. I'm not sure if she was joking or not, it's hard to tell. But I was thinking that maybe he was ill, or something. I started worrying, what if he had an accident or soemthing? Cause I just attract bad luck like that. Last two times, I got hurt, and the first one left school, the second doesn't talk to me anymore at school. It's like I give out abd luck to those who I have a crush on or something. Almost like my love is lethal.
Right, back to the fluffy thoughts! lol
He is just so cute!
I think that's all.
Bye.
Well, anyway, he is just so CUTE! I feel like an idiot, but I am going to complete this entry! He is alright when he is on his own, but when he is with his friends, he is a complete DICKHEAD. Seriously, I was in the line for the canteen and him and his friends were pushing and shoving, down right annoying! And then he took and tray and tried to slide it into my bag, then when I turned round, they started laughing! ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! lol.
But I still like him. GOD! Things were so much easier when boys had boy-germs! lol.
This one time, it was raining, and he came into the class room with his hair (dyed black) dripping and all in his face, he looked just so goddamned HOT! Never thought I would be talking about a boy like this, but I guess that was when boys had boy-germs!
I gave him a Christmas Card (before I realised I liked him) and he grinned at me with his thumbs up. Now when I look back at that... Y'know!
Now he hardly comes to school anymore. A friend said he was skiving. I'm not sure if she was joking or not, it's hard to tell. But I was thinking that maybe he was ill, or something. I started worrying, what if he had an accident or soemthing? Cause I just attract bad luck like that. Last two times, I got hurt, and the first one left school, the second doesn't talk to me anymore at school. It's like I give out abd luck to those who I have a crush on or something. Almost like my love is lethal.
Right, back to the fluffy thoughts! lol
He is just so cute!
I think that's all.
Bye.
posted at 12:14 pm EST | 5 comments
November 23, 2006
Cry My Heart Out
I know this is my second entry for today, but I want to write this.
A few minutes ago I wrote my last entry, and this is about the same thing. Oh yes.
I went into our bathroom and I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Years of pain came pouring out in torrents. Even as I'm writing this I feel like crying. God. I don't know WHERE to begin. It felt like years of bottled up emotions, heck it WAS said bottled emotions.
Just as it seems like I can be pulled out the hole I had fallen so deeply into, I slip. I fall back down. I try to get out, but I can't. It's datk, and I start to feel claustrophobic, If you are too dumb to understand, it is a metaphorical hole. I am listening to Tourniquet by Evanescence. I was THIS close from self-harming. Again. But I stopped myself just in time.
Am I too lost too be saved? Am I too deep in this hole to be helped out? It seems, just as something good happens, as I am in perfect contentment, something bad happens.
As soon as I am happy, something has to bring me plummeting back down. It's like some higher force has it's mind set on my life being destroyed.
It's like when you build a lego tower, when it gets too high, it topples over, because of gravity. My hopes build up, then topple back down again.
My life in a nutshell.
What did I DO? What did I do to deserve this?
"My soul cries for deliverance,
Will I be denied?"
I know I shouldn't build up my hopes so high, but I do so unconsciensly, and I don't know how high they get until they are destroyed.
I start to think "I'm going to be ALRIGHT." Then something comes up.
I can't do this anymore.
Please someone help me! I am so close to going over that fine line, please! Someone pull be back.
Save me.
A few minutes ago I wrote my last entry, and this is about the same thing. Oh yes.
I went into our bathroom and I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Years of pain came pouring out in torrents. Even as I'm writing this I feel like crying. God. I don't know WHERE to begin. It felt like years of bottled up emotions, heck it WAS said bottled emotions.
Just as it seems like I can be pulled out the hole I had fallen so deeply into, I slip. I fall back down. I try to get out, but I can't. It's datk, and I start to feel claustrophobic, If you are too dumb to understand, it is a metaphorical hole. I am listening to Tourniquet by Evanescence. I was THIS close from self-harming. Again. But I stopped myself just in time.
Am I too lost too be saved? Am I too deep in this hole to be helped out? It seems, just as something good happens, as I am in perfect contentment, something bad happens.
As soon as I am happy, something has to bring me plummeting back down. It's like some higher force has it's mind set on my life being destroyed.
It's like when you build a lego tower, when it gets too high, it topples over, because of gravity. My hopes build up, then topple back down again.
My life in a nutshell.
What did I DO? What did I do to deserve this?
"My soul cries for deliverance,
Will I be denied?"
I know I shouldn't build up my hopes so high, but I do so unconsciensly, and I don't know how high they get until they are destroyed.
I start to think "I'm going to be ALRIGHT." Then something comes up.
I can't do this anymore.
Please someone help me! I am so close to going over that fine line, please! Someone pull be back.
Save me.
posted at 9:46 am EST | 7 comments
November 23, 2006
Parents.
ARRGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING PARENTS!!!!!!!!! BLOODY USELESS WASTE OF TIME AND SPACE!!!!
To explain my rather destructive behaviour, as you can tell is caused by my parents, well my mother anyway.
I was having an alright day, I got letter sent home saying what good work I had done in English and me and my brothers were on good terms, we were comparing results our results in English and we talked all through dinner. My mother was giving us ugly stares all through. I thought nothing of it.
Then whenI was going to say something to my brother Mother Fucking DEARESt yelled at me to just shut up and do the washing up(It was my turn) and said some rather rude words. She grabbed my arm and led me to the sink to do the washing. I glared at her openly, my gaze brimming with loathing.
And WHAT pray tell, the fuck did I do? I WAS TALKING! I WAS BLOODY TALKING AND THE BITCH WHO CALLS HERSELF MY MOTHER YELLED AT ME! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now answer me this, does a loving mother yell at her children? DOES SHE?!
I am just so pissed off at her right now.
Actually at both my parents, because laughing too much pisses them off, talking during mealtimes pisses them off. WHAT DOESN'T BLOODY PISS THEM OFF?!!!!
And you even DARE tell me I shouldn't swear at them, or I will bite your HEAD OFF.
What kind of parent swears at their children? What kind of parent explodes at EVERY LITTLE THING?!
It is partly because of them I only have average-bad days, the other reason I will rant about in another antry.
Why can I not have normal parents? *sobs quietly* I badly need a hug.
To explain my rather destructive behaviour, as you can tell is caused by my parents, well my mother anyway.
I was having an alright day, I got letter sent home saying what good work I had done in English and me and my brothers were on good terms, we were comparing results our results in English and we talked all through dinner. My mother was giving us ugly stares all through. I thought nothing of it.
Then whenI was going to say something to my brother Mother Fucking DEARESt yelled at me to just shut up and do the washing up(It was my turn) and said some rather rude words. She grabbed my arm and led me to the sink to do the washing. I glared at her openly, my gaze brimming with loathing.
And WHAT pray tell, the fuck did I do? I WAS TALKING! I WAS BLOODY TALKING AND THE BITCH WHO CALLS HERSELF MY MOTHER YELLED AT ME! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now answer me this, does a loving mother yell at her children? DOES SHE?!
I am just so pissed off at her right now.
Actually at both my parents, because laughing too much pisses them off, talking during mealtimes pisses them off. WHAT DOESN'T BLOODY PISS THEM OFF?!!!!
And you even DARE tell me I shouldn't swear at them, or I will bite your HEAD OFF.
What kind of parent swears at their children? What kind of parent explodes at EVERY LITTLE THING?!
It is partly because of them I only have average-bad days, the other reason I will rant about in another antry.
Why can I not have normal parents? *sobs quietly* I badly need a hug.
posted at 8:56 am EST | 9 comments
October 27, 2006
WRITERS BLOCK!!!! HELP!!!!
I have written 5 chapters on my story Intrinsic Lies, and I don't know what to write for the sixth chapter! PLEASE COMMENT AND SUGGEST SOMETHING! All help will be greatly appreciaited! Thanks.
posted at 4:45 am EDT | 3 comments
October 5, 2006
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self
You're angry
I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is home
Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me
You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time
The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me
Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
Oh
I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me
I can relate to this song so much it is almost scary. Trust me. This sounds like me probably when I am older.
" You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is home" Just a little too true. I don't need guidance, I cry at night, I'm feel so alone in a room full of people.
"You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well" Again, a little too true.
"The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare"
Yep, in a nutshell.
But, that is not the only thing in the song. Read on.
"I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time" That is also probably true as well. I hope this is true.
"The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you" This so true. I don't wanna boast, but I am quite mentally strong. I am letting this go too far, I'm getting pessimistic, I'm starting to give in to the depression, this voice that's telling me I am just another weak little girl who won't get anywhere in life. I am just stupid and useless. I am starting to listen to this voice. But I know it isn't true, my friends who I love with all my heart say it isn't true, and if I can't trust them, then who can I trust?
I will be strong, I will stop wallowing in my depression and I will stop listening to this voice. And I will never wave the white flag sitting beside me. I will win.
This is also a thank you. Thank you to all my friends who I will always and forever love with all my heart. Thank you to all my friends who have stood beside me and helped me up when I fell. This may be corny, but it is how I feel. Thank you for not letting me wallow in self-pity!
Yours,
S
posted at 10:04 am EDT | 6 comments
September 22, 2006
Dumb things on quizilla
Ok, firstly:
STOP IT WITH THE HARRY POTTER QUIZZES!!! one or two really good ones are great, but now the most popular list is crammed with them, there are ones that are completely rubbish and repetitive.
Secondly :
STOP THE HOTTEST GUY QUIZZES!!!!!!! I mean GOD!! no-one gives a F*ck about what people you think are hot!!!!
Thirdly :
STOP THE DRACO MALFOY PICTURE QUIZZES!!!!! I admit, he is good-looking, but FOR THE LOVE OF HELL!!!!!! People don't wanna know about your twisted obssesions with Malfoy!!!! And it's wasting space on most popular. We want DECENT quizzes where the people making them aren't obssesed with a celebrity or they don't show them. People who carry on making them, GET A F*CKING LIFE!!! I am also talking to DarkElfPrincess14, your Draco Malfoy quizzes are wasting space!!!!!! No-one give a f*cking Sh*t!!!!!
And also, people who make quizzes dedicated to celebrities like Gerard Way, like those pictures, they are also wasting space!!! I mean I know he the hottest celebrity so far, but if we want pictures of him we can get them off i=the internet ourselves!!!!!
Oh yeah, and those people who write in slang, not the ones who write in it OCCASIONALLY, but those who write in it ALL THE F*CKING TIME!!! It really doesn't take THAT much of your time just to write in full words so people can actually UNDEDRSTAND what the f*ck you're saying.
Well, that's all. Oh and if you're gonna message me with angry messages, go ahead, I don't give a sh*t. I'm just voicing my opinion.
Have a nice day ;)
STOP IT WITH THE HARRY POTTER QUIZZES!!! one or two really good ones are great, but now the most popular list is crammed with them, there are ones that are completely rubbish and repetitive.
Secondly :
STOP THE HOTTEST GUY QUIZZES!!!!!!! I mean GOD!! no-one gives a F*ck about what people you think are hot!!!!
Thirdly :
STOP THE DRACO MALFOY PICTURE QUIZZES!!!!! I admit, he is good-looking, but FOR THE LOVE OF HELL!!!!!! People don't wanna know about your twisted obssesions with Malfoy!!!! And it's wasting space on most popular. We want DECENT quizzes where the people making them aren't obssesed with a celebrity or they don't show them. People who carry on making them, GET A F*CKING LIFE!!! I am also talking to DarkElfPrincess14, your Draco Malfoy quizzes are wasting space!!!!!! No-one give a f*cking Sh*t!!!!!
And also, people who make quizzes dedicated to celebrities like Gerard Way, like those pictures, they are also wasting space!!! I mean I know he the hottest celebrity so far, but if we want pictures of him we can get them off i=the internet ourselves!!!!!
Oh yeah, and those people who write in slang, not the ones who write in it OCCASIONALLY, but those who write in it ALL THE F*CKING TIME!!! It really doesn't take THAT much of your time just to write in full words so people can actually UNDEDRSTAND what the f*ck you're saying.
Well, that's all. Oh and if you're gonna message me with angry messages, go ahead, I don't give a sh*t. I'm just voicing my opinion.
Have a nice day ;)
posted at 12:51 pm EDT | 11 comments
July 30, 2006
My Feelings/My Fucked-Up Life
I like this boy, I mean I REALLY like him. We are good friends. But he likes someone else. He didn't say who it was, but he said "no-one you know" My heart is breaking. You know the feeling? It literally feels like a big crack in your chest. And on top of that, my closest friend who I've been friends with for over 5 years, doesn't care, she didn't say that, but she just said to get over him. But if I persist the subject, she gets annoyed. Some friend. I told another friend, and she was nicer.
I told the guy I like, that a guy from my karate class broke my heart, he comforted me. He said "There's more that one fish in the sea and more that one bird in the sky" Sweet huh?
I don't even know why I write this journal, no-one will read it, no-one even cares about me so what's the point? Yet I continue to confide in it.
I hate teenage life. I don't know who I am, I don't know my place in this world. I hate this world. It feels the world is against me. And love. I have liked two boys. Both of them broke my heart. The first time was in year 4 I think. Imagine that: I was 8 years old, and I had my heart broken, then the second time. I am 13 and my heart is broken again. Most teens haven't had their hearts broken once. Lucky sods. Am I cursed or something? And something happened when I was 6 years old. I'm not saying what. But it is ruining my life, I can't forget that, it plagues my thoughts, my life. I can't describe my pain. It is intense. And people ask me why I am depressed. What have I done to deserve this pain? I'll tell you what. I DID NOTHING! Yet I got this pain, this burden to carry for the rest of my life. And people ask me why I hate the world, why I can't trust? Because they will NEVER understand! I cry myself to sleep some nights. Sometimes I put on a happy face, to mask my depression, so my friends will not have to get upset at my expense. I do not tell anyone this because I fear that they will get tired of hearing me go on about my fears, that they will leave me. I am slowly achieveing self-actualization, and I ahve realised this:
I AM ALONE. THERE IS NO-ONE TO HELP ME. NO-ONE WHOSE SHOULDER I CAN CRY ON. NO-ONE WHO CARES.
I offer a shoulder to cry on to so many people so they will not have suffer the fact that no-one will care. I help so many people. Yet there is no-one who will help me. Why? Because they don't want to share my burden to help me. I express my feelings through music, I write the songs that have my feelings sewn into them. Music is my solace.
Don't get me wrong, I can be happy sometimes. I love my friends to bits. I allow some close friends into my secrets, but I don't tell them everything. I would die for my friends.
I had a friend who I kept in touch with, her name Amanda. We were best friends. We wrote to each other for a while. Then she stopped replying. She's probably forgotten me. *bitter laugh* If she moved, then surely she would write to me to tell me her new address, but nothing came. She's probably either forgotten me or she just hates me now. I don't know what it is about me, but it makes some of my friends forget me. Shows how much they care.
But the friends who I trust with my life and seem genuine are absolute stars. That's pretty much all I can think of now.
I'm sorry if you read this. I'm sorry if you feel sorry for me. I'm sorry if you keep thinking about this. I'm sorry if you carry my burden.
I told the guy I like, that a guy from my karate class broke my heart, he comforted me. He said "There's more that one fish in the sea and more that one bird in the sky" Sweet huh?
I don't even know why I write this journal, no-one will read it, no-one even cares about me so what's the point? Yet I continue to confide in it.
I hate teenage life. I don't know who I am, I don't know my place in this world. I hate this world. It feels the world is against me. And love. I have liked two boys. Both of them broke my heart. The first time was in year 4 I think. Imagine that: I was 8 years old, and I had my heart broken, then the second time. I am 13 and my heart is broken again. Most teens haven't had their hearts broken once. Lucky sods. Am I cursed or something? And something happened when I was 6 years old. I'm not saying what. But it is ruining my life, I can't forget that, it plagues my thoughts, my life. I can't describe my pain. It is intense. And people ask me why I am depressed. What have I done to deserve this pain? I'll tell you what. I DID NOTHING! Yet I got this pain, this burden to carry for the rest of my life. And people ask me why I hate the world, why I can't trust? Because they will NEVER understand! I cry myself to sleep some nights. Sometimes I put on a happy face, to mask my depression, so my friends will not have to get upset at my expense. I do not tell anyone this because I fear that they will get tired of hearing me go on about my fears, that they will leave me. I am slowly achieveing self-actualization, and I ahve realised this:
I AM ALONE. THERE IS NO-ONE TO HELP ME. NO-ONE WHOSE SHOULDER I CAN CRY ON. NO-ONE WHO CARES.
I offer a shoulder to cry on to so many people so they will not have suffer the fact that no-one will care. I help so many people. Yet there is no-one who will help me. Why? Because they don't want to share my burden to help me. I express my feelings through music, I write the songs that have my feelings sewn into them. Music is my solace.
Don't get me wrong, I can be happy sometimes. I love my friends to bits. I allow some close friends into my secrets, but I don't tell them everything. I would die for my friends.
I had a friend who I kept in touch with, her name Amanda. We were best friends. We wrote to each other for a while. Then she stopped replying. She's probably forgotten me. *bitter laugh* If she moved, then surely she would write to me to tell me her new address, but nothing came. She's probably either forgotten me or she just hates me now. I don't know what it is about me, but it makes some of my friends forget me. Shows how much they care.
But the friends who I trust with my life and seem genuine are absolute stars. That's pretty much all I can think of now.
I'm sorry if you read this. I'm sorry if you feel sorry for me. I'm sorry if you keep thinking about this. I'm sorry if you carry my burden.
posted at 6:44 am EDT | 15 comments
