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March 9, 2008

cutting-please help

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. DAMMIT! I told myslef i would stop. I did, i really did. And i was doing good, too. And then, i was feeling really shitty that day and i was on my computer chatting with my buds trying to feel better, ya know? avoiding the razor. then my mom came in and took my computer. i dont know what happened, i ran around the house, banging my head on the wall, i really wanted to cut, i dont even know why,  i ate hot sauce (i hate hot sauce) strait out of the packet, i ran outside to let my dog pee and thought about running away, and never coming back. Then i saw the pool, crazy thing, i wasnt thinking, i ran to the pool and as i looked into it i was just about to jump in when my dog barked. i looked at her and burst into tears. she was scared, and the worst part, she was scared of me. I lost it, i ran into the bathroom and slashy slash, 4 new marks. Luckily i was crying to hard for them to leave scars. the rest of the wekend didnt get better, still feeling shitty after the talk *cough* getting yelled at *cough* i had with my mom, i did it again, but before i could get through the cut i looked up at the others, i thought about my dog, my friends, everything i was dissapointing, and, started crying again...dammit. i didnt want, i really didnt, but its like a drug once you start you cant stop...please, somebody, do you know of anything that could help? like not a therapist or drugs though cuz if i cost my family money ill never hear the end of it cuz we're broke right now, like is there a trick or something that can keep you from cutting? anything? please?

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