ImJustABitCrazy's profile

Latest Journal Entry

October 18, 2005

My Dad

When you're little, your parents are invincible. For either better or worse, their word is law. They are inhuman. Nothing can hurt them. Pull their hair, call them names, tell them you hate them. They don't care. They don't cry. They just are. When you see your parent cry for the first time, something happens. I'm not sure how to explain it other than that. Its not that a person loses respect for their parents once witnessing that they are indeed human. No, its not that. A person matures when they realize this. For whatever reason, you have discovered the humanity of a person that before that could have been a god.

I've seen both of my parents cry. I've dried both of their tears, and I've cried along with them. But it didn't occur to me until now that my father is human. He is. He makes mistakes. He isn't evil. I hate him most of the time, but I understand now, at least at this moment that my father is human. My nephew taught me this. My infant nephew who made my father say 'ow' when he pulled his hair.

My father feels.

My father cries.

Its hard for me to think of him in any other way than this monster I hate, but right now, at this moment, I’m pretty sure I love him. For the imperfect person he is who is cradling the baby that showed his daughter her dad could feel.

This probably all sounds really awful, melodramatic and made up, but is not. My relationship with my dad is complicated. I love him, and I hate him. He’s done some things that are near unforgivable, but I think that I’ve learned something just now, and even though it may sound crazy, its not to me.

I'm not the type to share personal stories with people. in truth, I don't even know why I am telling you this. Maybe its because I can't tell my dad, maybe this is some sick form of therapy for me. I really don't know. But I hope you realize that your parents are people too.

Insanely Yours,
ImJustABitCrazy

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