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February 3, 2008

How's your heart?

     Evening. So this isn't a regular journal entry, but I'm not feeling myself. It's a rarity, so enjoy it while you can. Nope, you won't be hearing about me ranting about war or celebrity upcessed teenagers, I'm sorry. I'll try for next time, when I'm feeling like myself.
     So you might be wondering what's up with me. We'll get to that later. But for right now, how're you? Especially, how's your heart? Satisfied, fullfilled? Loved? Regular, just beating? I'd love to know, elabortate for me. In love? Someone in love with you? Do you just feel content, happy in the place that you are?
     Anyone heartbroken here? Well, be assured that I'm raising my hand, too. To those who're happy, satisfied, in love or loved, honestly, I'm happy for you. I've been there, it's an okay place to be. More then okay, it's great.
     So what's up with me? Well, readers, I have a crush. A bit more then a crush. Like a serious crush, someone I've really liked for a long time now. So why am I so blue?
     So my best friend knew that I liked this girl. Lets call the girl Ashley, as not to get confused. Note: That's not her real name. Anyway, I told my best friend about this crush that I had on Ashley. My best friend knows Ashley briefly, just a mutual friendly, "talk for a minute in passing," thing. So at the mall three weeks ago or so, my best friend ran into Ashley. Ashley suspected that I liked her, so she asked my best friend, but no luck, my best friend kept her mouth shut. So Ashley asked me, and I admited to liking her, and we made plans to hang out at the mall the following Friday. So we hung out for a few minutes that Friday, but it took us so long to finally run into each other that she had to go not long after. We both had friends with us, so no actual talking got done, but I'd say that I had fun. So during the next week I talked to her here and there online and in school we didn't see each other at all, but once or twice during homeroom in which we would hug, talk for a minute, then be on our way. If you asked me, I thought that things were going okay. On Wednesday, were were at GSA (Gay-Straight Allience) with our arms around each other, always in each other's lap, just hanging out, when someone came up to us and we were talking, then she mentioned something like, "Yeah, my girlfriend hangs out with other girls, and I'm okay with it because I hang out with other girls, too." My heart broke at that moment, reader. It didn't break. I felt it fall to my stomach, I went cold and stiff for a moment and felt like the blood was draining out of my face. I resisted the urge to scream and cry. Turns out, she had gotten together with someone on the Friday that we had hung out. So I felt horrible with my arm around a girl with a girlfriend, but I felt even worse that I had been led on. I didn't know if maybe she had a girlfriend, but liked me. Or maybe she had a girlfriend and was messing with my head. Or maybe she just had a girlfriend and didn't like me at all, but since she knew I liked her, wanted to make me happy, slightly. Either way, my heart was broken.
     So reader, I got nosy. I started looked at the websites, myspace, facebook, etc. None of them said anything about not being single, so I looked further. I remember she had mentioned having a stickam account, so I searched for her and found the "I love ----" words and the person whose name fit the description, so I looked at her account. Call me a stalker, but I wanted to know why my heart was broken. I found out everything that I needed to know, and decided to move to denial land.
     Denial land worked for the rest of the week for me, until last night. I can pretend that I'm okay in front of people, but when I try to tell myself that I don't care, it doesn't work. I guess I know myself all too well. In Denial land, I decided that I didn't like her, that if she was going to be like that, then it wasn't worth it. I didn't want to know if she liked me or not, I didn't want to know if she was messing with my head or not. I didn't want to know because I didn't want to get hurt any further. I told my friends that I was okay, it was cool.
     Well reader, I got kicked out of Denial Land yesturday. I couldn't just decide not to like her, it's not that easy. I wish I didn't, but I still do. I want to know the answer to those questions, but I would never ask. But finally, I admited to myself that I wasn't okay.
     So my heart is broken, in the process of falling to pieces, how's yours?

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