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October 11, 2006

I have a hard confession to make.

Here's the deal. David and Jamie... They don't exist. The person you've been talking to is bisexual--and she's a girl. You have every right to be pissed--I won't try to justify what I did or say that I was a victim or anything. I fully believe that I was wrong, and that I don't deserve sympathy of any kind. Just know, as maybe a consolation or whatever, that I wasn't doing it for the fun of lying to everyone--the thing is, I made this "David" account several years ago, when I was younger and didn't realize what the consequences of my actions were--by the time I realized that it was wrong and awful of me to do so, I'd dug myself in so deep that there was literally nothing I could do. That's not an excuse--it's just a fact. To be honest, it's been so long that I can't clearly recall why I did it. All I know is that I did, and while I desperately wish I could go back in time and erase it, I can't--and if you can't fix it, you've got to stand it. Jamie is also me. And by the way, David and Jamie are characters in a novel I've been writing for three years. I'm sure you're feeling totally betrayed and lied to--which is completely appropriate and true. However, there was truth in most of what I said to you--I am queer, I have gone through discrimination and pain and hatred because I like girls, and things like when "david" had pneumonia--that was a way for me to express my fear and upsetness over my twenty-one-year-old neighbor getting so sick and confused that she tried to jump out a window. David and I have a lot more in common than you might think, and all the "things" that happened in David's life have mirrored what's happening in mine. That's no excuse, I know, but I didn't betray you as much as you're probably thinking. My dad's side of the family is exclusively Catholic, my mom's side is protestant but very conservative, and I want a girlfriend so badly it hurts. I have been feeling depressed and lonely for a long time--I guess that's why I let this go on for so long. People loved me. I felt cared about. I had people I could actually talk to about same-sex attraction and about some of the sh*tty things that went on in my life, without having to actually acknowledge that my life was going downhill, and fast. Again, that was not an excuse. I seriously understand if you can't talk to me anymore--I don't deserve it, and even though I know it won't help, I'm sorry. A thousand times, I'm sorry. I just hope that you can find it somewhere in your heart not to hate me.

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