A Shoulder to Cry on

It all started…

I was 15, A Sophomore, and I got nothin’. The only thing that I possessed was a less than comely face, I few scars, both of my past and body, and a freshly broken heart.

The day this story officially begins is August 29th. It was a Friday, a rainy Friday. I sat at home, curled up on the couch in my living room with a 531 page book opened. Freshly checked out from the library this morning, soon ready to be returned, I finished the book within 4 hours, only stopping to check on the baby asleep in my bed room upstairs.

Now, before you jump to conclusions, the baby in my room is not my child. The slumbering toddler is my beautiful nephew. My sister’s son, but I loved him as if he was my own. I always had a gift of compassion, a gift to trust, a gift to love. I love so easily, remember that, because I seem to forget.

Maybe my gift to love easily is what gave me the broken heart I am currently sheltering. Three months ago, maybe four, I can’t remember, I thought I found the love of my life. He was less than perfect, but hell I’m less than perfect.

With a dream…

My life changed with a dream, now I didn’t notice it before hand but now that I look back, that is when it changed.

I was at the high school, looking around at classes, trying to find my homeroom. K215, K217, K219, K221. Here, K223. I open the door and sit in the last seat, first row. I look down at a pink piece of paper. The door open, I lift my head. In walks the cutest guy I’ve ever seen in my 15 years of life. I smile, I try not to, but I fail. He looks like he is walking straight towards me, no. He sits down in the second row, two seats in front of the empty seat next to me. He must’ve looked right at me, but of course, you’d never be able to tell. I was Invisible. I open a book, my eyes dart across the page, but I couldn’t tell what the dream me was reading. The bell rings and I get up with the rest of the class. I exit the room and head to chorus. I sit down next to my friend Jill and we start talking. Next I hear just bits and pieces of songs, but mostly You Raise Me Up. The class bell rings, and again I leave. I look at my map and then look at the pink sheet of paper. C21. I look at the signs on the walls outside of the doors. C12, C17, ah C21. The room is cold. I walk in and shiver. I sit in the seat in front in the middle. Again I begin to read my book. I hear the door open. My heart must’ve skipped a beat because it was beating so fast it must be trying to make up for something. He came walking in, again looked straight at me, and then sat down in the row to my left about four seats back. I was Invisible.

Déjà Vu…

So it’s the beginning of school. I forgot about the dream. I pull myself out of bed. I pull back my washed and conditioned hair into a ponytail. I rub the crust from my blood shot eyes.

“Ugh, why does school have to start so early?” I talk to my reflection in the mirror. Of course no answer comes; I’m the only person up at this hour in the morning. I hear the grandfather clock ring 5 chimes downstairs. 5 o’clock in the morning, I shouldn’t be conscious at 5 o’clock in the morning. I should be dreaming, dreaming. With that word I see flashes of the school, of my smile, of his face. Who is he? Why does he look so familiar? I pass it off for extreme fatigue and reach for my contacts.

An hour and a half rolls by and I grab an apple and I head out the door. The fresh crisp air hits me as I breathe in. The one thing I hate about mornings, Crisp morning air makes me feel, well makes me feel, amazing. I smile, and reach for my water bottle.

“Here’s to a new school, a new year and a new me. Here’s to a fresh start.” I thought as I swig some spring water into my mouth. I walk to the bus stop, in a chipper mood, a little too chipper for 6:30 in the morning.

The bus ride was quiet, an eerie quiet. Nobody spoke, maybe extreme fatigue. Nobody laughed; I wonder if anybody even thought, I know I did, but not excessively. I thought of the images I had this morning, but mostly the bright blue eyes, the ones that looked like diamonds. I thought of mostly his eyes, actually that’s all I thought of, that’s all I could think of.

The bus stopped right in front of Jefferson High. I get up, mindlessly walk down the aisle and mumble somewhat of a thank you to the driver, and then head towards the Auditorium.

“Rache!” I hear from a distance. I swing around. “Rache!” It’s Lauren. She comes up next to me.

“Hey Laur. How was your summer?” I look at the floor trying not to make eye contact. I dunno, I just hate making eye contact.

“Well a sucky summer with a great ending.” She chirps, I know that makes her sound like a bird but the tone of voice she used, it was a chirp. “How was your summer?”

I cringe, I was hoping to avoid that question, but I guess not. “Well it was a great summer with an extremely sucky ending.” I look at her eyes; they are dark brown, darker than her skin, which is a whiter brown, almost the color of pale wood, wood during it’s prime.

“Oh really?” she looks shocked “Why what happened?”

“Well” I exhale, I knew this was coming so I rehearsed it. “I went to Georgia and that was fun. Then I was a counselor and that was okay. Then Ethan and I got together and that was amazing. Then I had my 15th birthday and went to a concert which was spectacular. Then Ethan and I had our 1 month anniversary which was okay but I didn’t get to see him, but 4 days after that he dumped me, which is the sucky part.” I look at her face and wait for the smack that is bound to come from giving Ethan a third chance. But no smack came. She simply hugged me.

“Awh Rache, I’m sorry” she squeezed. “How ya doin’?”

“Great.” I lied. “I told myself that I wouldn’t let him get to me so, it doesn’t hurt.” I lied even more. It hurt worse than any pain in the world. Compared to this pain, I’d rather have all my skin burned off me. My heart was torn out and stomped all over, then he ripped it into shreds. Then he placed the shreds into a bag filled with broken glass. And that is . only an ounce of the pain I feel.

I pass the Auditorium, I walk to homeroom. K215, K217, K219, K221. Here, K223. I open the door and sit in the last seat, first row. I look down at a pink piece of paper, my schedule. The door open, I lift my head. In walks the cutest guy I’ve ever seen in my 15 years of life, wait I’ve seen him before, but where? I smile, I try not to, but I fail. He looks like he is walking straight towards me, no. He sits down in the second row, two seats in front of the empty seat next to me. He must’ve looked right at me, but of course, you’d never be able to tell. I am Invisible. I open a book, I begin to read, but I can’t help but thinking that this has happened before. The bell rings and I get up with the rest of the class. I exit the room and head to chorus. I sit down next to my friend Jill and we start talking. The chorus director stands in front of the class and tells us to open our folders and to pull out three songs that we’ll be covering today. The alma mater, Sliver Bells and You Raise Me Up. The class bell rings, and again I leave. I look at my map and then my schedule. C21. I look at the signs on the walls outside of the doors. C12, C17, ah C21. The room is cold. I walk in and shiver. I sit in the seat in front in the middle. Again I begin to read my book. I hear the door open. My heart must’ve skipped a beat because it was beating so fast it must be trying to make up for something. He came walking in, again looked straight at me, and then sat down in the row to my left about four seats back. I was Invisible. I looked back at him, I fought a smile, but lost. I smiled at him. My heart dropped, he actually smiled back. I looked around to see if there was anyone else more worthy of such a glorious smile. He laughed. I pointed to myself as I blushed. He nodded and laughed even more. I turned back around. I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Hey my name’s Parker.” The crystal blue eyes that I’ve been thinking about were now right in front of me. “You’re in my homeroom right?”

“Mhm…” Smooth ray, mhm… you’re such a ditz…

“So uhm,” Parker sits in the vacant seat next to me. “what’s your name?”

My mind draws a blank, shit I can’t remember my own name. “Uhm, my name?” I babble.

“Yeah,” he laughs “you do have a name don’tcha?”

“oh yeah of course I do” I blush, “it’s uhmmm” come on Ray tell him your name! “Uhm Rachel, my name is Rachel. But my friends call me Rache or Ray.” I turn my face from his.

“Rachel, Rache.” He looks at me with those crystal blue eyes “I like it. You know you have very pretty eyes…”

“Uhm thanks, I’ve never gotten that.” I have to keep my brown eyes from filling with tears.

“I’m sorry,” Parker breathes

“For what?” I sober

“For being blunt. I just, never mind.”

“It’s okay, you weren’t that blunt.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah I mean I’ve never had someone talk to me with interest, but I didn’t think it was that blunt.”

“Oh, uhm do you wanna sit next to me then?”

“Oh uhm sure…” I blush, get up and sit back where he was.

“So Rache, I heard Miss Jackson is a bitch.”

“Did you?” I open my notebook, “Well we’ll have to see won’t we.”

Too soon…

She was, Miss Jackson is the world’s biggest bitch. Nobody is brave enough to talk, and there is absolutely NO note passing. But she has her strong suites. One day, about three weeks later, she decided to torture us, with labs; reminded me to thank her one day. Anyway, the only thing that is worse than labs is lab partners. Normally I get stuck with the loser who is such a nerd which makes me a nerd just by accomplice. Miss Jackson moves to the front of the class in front of the middle row. I see her lips move, my breath stops. I couldn’t hear her. All I could hear is my heart jump from 2 beats per second all the way up to 20.

I turn to Parker, nod my head indifferently, he does the same. Taylor catches my eye, I smile with all the excitement I have. I turn back to Parker. Wow is he gorgeous! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a billion more times, hottest guy on EARTH! Parker smiles at me… again!

We have to put on goggles, great, that’s exactly the way I want Parker to see me!

“Don’t I look fabulous?” I act like a model showing off my goggles.

“Oh yes,” Parker laughs “But I look better.”

“You wish…” I laugh

“I like your laugh,” Parker says bluntly

“Really?” I stop laughing

“Yeah, I don’t know but, there’s something about you,” I look into his eyes “something different”

“Oh” I say dissapointedly

“I like it.” My eyes light up

“Please tell me that your not just trying to make fun of me, that’s happened too much already, I can’t take much more.”

“Ray,” he touches my hand. I look into his eyes again. “Never.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.” Then Parker gets quiet “Can I be honest?”

“Uhm sure”

“I kind of, uhm” he puts his hand on his neck “I kind of like you.” my heart drops

“oh wow” that’s all I can choke out

“It’s fine if you don’t feel the sa-“

“Parker?”

“yeah?”

“I kind of like you too” I blush “But, uhm, I’m just not, just not ready, not yet at least.” I look away

“Oh okay, uhm, I’ll talk to you later today.”

“Parker,” I grab his arm as he tries to leave after the bell rings

“Yeah?”

“I’m really sorry.”