Goodbye Apathy

Chapter 7

This feeling didn't last long.

My hand was on the front door as I stood, doubled over and gasping for air. I inhaled sharply, exhaling in a gust, and my heart thumping in my chest. My head pounded, every moment of the day cramming into my head and repeating itself.

"Calm down," I told myself over and over, gulping and gasping again. I came upon a realization as well. "I chose this..." I told myself over and over now.

I entered the house, dropping my bag and purse at the front door, forcing the thoughts out of my head and ducking up the stairs and to my room. I shut the door, clenching my chest and easing my breath. Immediately, I pulled out my journal and sat down to write. I was calm enough now.

November 18

I chose this without even knowing it. I could have kept my life the way it was, forgotten about them and returned to my normal life. However, how could I even expect to return to the same after Caleb's come for good? He won't leave from this school, so I'm stuck with him. If I'm stuck with him, I'm stuck with difference...

I will admit, a massive portion of me doesn't want this. However, what else am I to do? I can't escape him. He met me at my lockers, and I was so upset with him, I could barely handle it. Yet, in the time during lunch, he had restored our relationship. Possibly, he made it better.

However, the reason he made this better was because he and I created a deal to make it worth while. If he hadn't made this deal, I would have never spoken to him again. We will exchange secrets, as many as we want a day. First I must tell him one reason of why I want to push him away. I think I have put myself in a deeper hole than I could possibly consider just yet. What am I to keep telling him? I hate him. Anxiety attacks. So on. There are more reasons reasons to deal with the past, reasons involving my nature, reasons involving even that smile of his. He is so beautiful, I fear I don't deserve him, and yet at the same time, I never want to see his face again. I hate him, truly I do.

"I wish he would disapear," I mumbled, hearing my mother call me. I looked to my watch, the time only four fourty. Leaving my room, I sighed, wondering what she wanted. She stood by the counter, a scowl on her face. "What is it?"

"The dishes," she replied, pointing to a stack of dishes in the sink. "I thought I told you to do them."

"You didn't," I replied, but when I saw her face twist, I continued. "I can do them now."

She ran up into my face, "fuck you."

I bit my lip as she shoved me to the side, leaving the room. I sighed, turning to the dishes and rinsing them. I had finished five soon enough, when I heard her enter the room. I turned to see her whip my purse at me, cowering down as it hit me in the arm. It was a small purse, condensed, and I felt my arm throb, clenching it with my hand.

"Clean up your fucking mess at the front door." She told me and left again. I ducked down to a squat, covering my mouth and holding back the tears. I breathed deep, forcing the tears away and standing again. I grabbed my backpack and purse, returning them to my room, and coming down the stairs again to finish the dishes.

***

The next day, I met Caleb on the bus, and he smiled, a spot saved next to him. I sat down with a sigh, my head hung back and my eyes closed.

"Morning," he said.

"Morning."

My eyes opened to look at him, but he looked ahead, a large scowl on his face. He seemed angry, his eyes black, literally black. I leaned in closer, thinking it was an illusion, but only finding a coal black color in his eyes. I gasped, blinking in confusion. How could that be?

"W-What's wrong?" I asked him, but he just shook his head, grinding his teeth.

I looked around, across the bus, out the windows. I turned to myself, wearing a white blouse, my jacket in my arms due to the warmer day, a pair of dark blue jeans, a pair of pastel blue flats. Then something caught my eye, a black blip, and I turned to my arm in horror. Immediately I covered the dark bruise with my hand and turned away, avoiding even the sight of him in my peripheral vision.

We left the bus, I throwing on my jacket and walking in complete silence. To my surprise, he followed me to my locker, and waited there. I grimaced at him, but he seemed to not have seen this. I slowly placed my purse in my locker, dropping my backpack to the ground. I thought over it, but then picked up my backpack again.

"Take off your jacket, Madison." I froze, looking up at his dark face.

"I'm actually quite cold right now," I lied. He sighed, turning to me and grabbing my backpack from my hand, throwing it onto the ground. I scowled at him, but then gasped, anger kicking in as he unzipped my coat. I grabbed both sides and shut it, "what are you doing?!"

He didn't stop, his cold hands prying mine off and pulling the jacket off my shoulders. When he got it off of me, he placed it in my locker, shutting and locking it, and grabbed my backpack again. He placed it in front of me. "Here."

I just stared at him, my teeth tightly clenched shut. He sighed, moving the backpack closer to me. I unclenched my fist, straightening it and slapping him across the face. The backpack dropped, and he rubbed his cheek, his black eyes staring off into thin air.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," I told him. "Your lucky I even talk to you..." I shook my head, "don't push your luck."

He blinked, the blue seeping into his eyes again. He smiled, turning to me, "Yeah, I am lucky."

I exhaled in annoyance, grabbing my backpack and turning away. I hated him. However, then he grabbed my wirst and I look to him. "What do you want now?"

"Should I be worried?"

I froze, my eyes softening. "Of course not, why would you be worried?" I looked at my arm, "I fell on the stairs." I lied.

He sighed, shaking his head. At first I believed he would contradict me, but then he turned away, and walked to his class. "Are you coming?"

"Coming where?"

"Gym."

I grunted, gym first.

The class went by smoothly, we were onto badminton now. I was better at this sport, and Caleb and I teamed up, beating most other teams. Seemed he was good at this too.

Math came and I flickered my eyes between them. Caleb still drew on his sheet of notes, black desings spinning in every direct. He was so incredible, it almost made me jealous, even though I never was one for art. He made me want to go to an art gallery, suddenly inspired. Kieran glared at him the entire class, and I wondered if any of us were learning anything.

At lunch, Caleb and I went to our same spot, sitting down against the wall. However, this spot never felt similar with him there. Always different.

"Okay," he said, "here's my secret." I grunted, but he just smiled. Hopefully this was good. "I used to be a real bastard. Used to make peoples lives hell."

"Really?" I blinking in confusion. "You a bastard?" I turned away and said sarcastically, "couldn't see that at all."

"I still am?"

"Another reason why I push you away my friend. Except, you're more annoying, if anything. It's that smile of yours," I said matter-of-factly. His smile fell from his face, frowning and looking ahead. "It gets me every time." I mumbled.

He turned to me, smiling again. "What does that mean?"

"Tomorrow," I told him.

"Now. You were going to tell me about your last reason today. You know, the fact that you aren't used to people?"

"I didn't want to, and you know you did the same thing. You were going to tell me about that action you were taking."

He pursed his lips, "I decided I wasn't going to tell you today. So, you tell me now, okay?"

"That doesn't make any sense," I said, and he smiled. I pursed my lips in annoyance. "Fine."

He gasped, "that's what you mean?"

"I haven't said anything," I told him, then realized what he just picked up on. "Oh fine, yes, that's what I mean."

He smiled again, "then I guess I can make you do anything then."

"I doubt it." I shrugged. I wasn't that much of a push over, yeah, I really could be, but I doubted he could make me do anything.

"Let's go to a movie this weekend," he said with a smile. I looked away from his face, into the blue sky. It didn't compare to his eyes, and they were so much more beautiful. "Well?" He continued, but I just shook my head, still staring away from him. He placed his cold hand on my cheek, forcing me to look at him.

"Fine."

He laughed, "that's amazing."

I smiled weakly. What did I just do? Did I just get rid of one of my free days, one of my only days of alone time, to go to a movie with him? I gulped. Yes, I did.