When Mikey woke the following morning, he once again felt that familiar overwhelming sense of grief for his losses. So he stayed in bed that day. He didn’t eat, or do anything at all. The only times he moved were to go to the toilet.
Gerard didn’t seem to take any notice that first day, or the second. Mikey wasn’t interrupted once, not until the third day of his self-torture.
“Oh, you’re still alive?” the eldest said as he opened the door and let a stream of light in. Mikey grumbled and hid his head beneath the covers, mumbling for him to go away. “No way, dude. If you die, you’ll begin to rot. And then the whole house will stink from your rotting flesh and I won’t be able to sell it.”
Mikey’s inner eye was suddenly assaulted with the image of his parents rotting in their coffins, somewhere under the ground. He made a small noise of despair and felt his body beginning to convulse with his sobs again.
“Shit,” Gerard cursed. Mikey expected him to make a run for it, but then there was another weight sinking into his mattress and a pair of hands pulling the blankets away from his face. Mikey refused to look at him. “Don’t cry! God, if I’d known you were this sensitive I wouldn’t have said anything.”
“Fuck off, Gerard.”
“See, that’s what I had in mind. I was gonna pack up and head back to New York today, but I can’t now, can I? You’re bloody hopeless. Grandma will kill me if I leave you here to suffer.”
“I can take care of myself,” Mikey grumbled.
“Not after what happened last night,” Gerard contradicted. “Let me see your face.” Cold fingers gripped his jaw and Mikey winced as his head was jerked towards Gerard. Something about his older brother’s appearance made Mikey’s eyes widen in shock. He looked the same way he always did; deathly pale skin and naturally messy black hair, but something in his stubborn expression reminded him of his mother. In the next instant Mikey was out from under his covers and scrambling to wrap his arms around him.
“Whoa! Steady on there boy,” Gerard said, taken by complete surprise. He pried his way out of Mikey’s grasp, but still couldn’t help smiling in spite of himself. “I know I’m devilishly handsome, but that doesn’t give you the right to go grabbing me whenever you want.”
“Ew, Gerard. That’s gross,” Mikey said, wrinkling his nose. But Gerard’s ego, insufferable as it was, had somehow made him feel much better than he had a few minutes previously.
“Whatever. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and blame it on your raging hormones just this once. Now go shower. You smell awful,” Gerard ordered, pulling him out of bed and shoving him in the direction of the bathroom.
Mikey did as he was told, because for once he agreed with his brother. Lying in bed for almost two days brewing in the smell of his blood and some splattered vomit hadn’t done him much good in terms of hygiene. Once he was clean and dressed in a new change of clothes, he wandered into Gerard’s old room, chewing on a much needed sandwich. The raven-haired man was sitting cross-legged on his bed, staring at his wall, which was covered in posters of zombie movies and underground punk bands.
“You didn’t change anything.” He spoke in a tone Mikey didn’t recognise, keeping his eyes glued to the pictures. Mikey swallowed his last bite and went to sit tentatively beside him, wondering what the cause for the sudden change in attitude could have been.
“We always kind of hoped that you’d come back home someday,” he replied quietly. It suddenly struck him that it must be strange for Gerard, living in the house he’d been neglecting for the past three years. “Why did you leave?” he asked finally, unable to hold the question in any longer. Gerard’s eyes dropped to the floor.
“I’d rather not talk about it.”
Silence. Mikey considered leaving him alone, but the more curious side of him pushed forward. If he ever had a chance to find out, it was now.
“Was it something mum and dad-”
“No. They…it wasn’t their fault.” Mikey felt a little confused. Why had Gerard been so angry at them - enough to refuse anything to do with them - if they’d done nothing?
“I don’t understand,” he said, the underlying tone in his voice pushing Gerard on. Hazel eyes met his muddy brown ones, and he saw…guilt? And possibly shame.
“I…” Gerard started, then paused to search for the words. He pressed his lips firmly together, ran his fingers a few times through his hair, then tried again.
“Well, you know I’m gay, right?” he said, and judging by the expression on his face he fully expected Mikey to run away screaming. Instead, the younger Way smirked knowingly.
“Not uncommon amongst the children of Donna and Donald Way,” he told Gerard, and couldn’t help adding a small wink with his words. Gerard raised his eyebrows, then grinned and shook his head in an I-should’ve-known-better kind of way.
“Explains the pansy attitude,” he muttered, earning a deliberately weak punch from Mikey. There was a short scuffle as the brothers fought, each one trying to overpower the other, until surprisingly enough Mikey came out on top. He may have been skinny, but he was strong, and in the end managed to pin Gerard down easily. Both of them were panting. Mikey’s eyes shone with victory, until he saw the look on Gerard’s face. It somehow reminded him of the way he’d looked at him the night he’d come home all beaten up. That almost…hungry look. In that moment Mikey became aware of his own hands splayed across the chest of the man beneath him, and how the distance between them wasn’t much of a distance at all. More of a proximity. A close proximity.
“What’s so bad about being gay anyway?” he heard his own voice choke out, in a subconscious attempt to keep Gerard going with his explanation. He knew he should be pulling away, breaking the heated, pressurised pocket of air they’d both slipped into, but he couldn’t bring himself to move.
“Nothing,” Gerard replied in an equally strained voice. “S’more the problem of being attracted to…the wrong people.” Mikey didn’t need to ask who ‘the wrong people’ might mean. He could guess pretty accurately judging by the intensified need in Gerard’s eyes. The need for him.
He knew it was wrong the moment their lips touched, but at the same time it was the best feeling imaginable. Somewhere within those first few seconds, his conflicting thoughts completely tuned out, and all he could focus on was how perfect Gerard’s lips were. He’d never shared a kiss like this one before; so simple yet so electrifying. The pace of the blood pumping through his veins increased, so much so that he was sure he could hear the beat reverberating around the room.
Gerard’s hands were at his waist now, gently pulling him closer, and his long, thin legs instinctively straddled the other man’s hips. He felt like his body was hovering over Gerard’s, and the air space between them started to drive him insane. The other’s hands on his waist endeavoured to fix this problem, tugging him downwards until they were flush against each other. Mikey let out a gasp at the contact, and Gerard took advantage of his open mouth to deepen the kiss. The younger was only too willing, until Gerard decided to use his teeth. From the slightest tug, the cut on Mikey’s lip opened up again, and he let out a yelp of pain.
“Shit.” He rolled off Gerard and held the cut with his fingers, grimacing from the sudden sting. His brother sat up quickly, too worried to notice that the blood was on his lips too.
“Fuck, I’m sorry Mikey.” He ran out of the room, and for a few moments Mikey heard cupboards slamming and water running, and then Gerard returned to fix him up. He half smiled when he saw the blood running down Mikey’s chin. “You’d make a very sexy vampire,” he stated, then started cleaning the cut. Mikey merely sat there and watched him carefully, while his mind tried to piece things together.
“So…am I the reason you left home?” he said at last. Gerard hesitated, then finished what he was doing before he spoke.
“It’s a bit more complicated than that, Mikes,” he sighed, bringing his gaze to somewhere on Mikey’s shoulder.
“What is it then? Tell me,” Mikey pleaded. Gerard frowned.
“Can’t we just forget about it?” he tried, leaning in and reaching for Mikey’s hips again. “Come on, let’s do something else.”
Mikey pushed him away, and shook his head. “You’re hiding something. I want to know the real reason you left.” Gerard sighed, and Mikey knew by the sound of it that it was one of defeat.
“I suppose it started with…you,” he began, and Mikey shifted uncomfortably.
“What did I do?”
“Nothing! Nothing. You were just…you. Biggest geek I’d ever met, well, apart from myself. And god, Mikey, do you have any idea how perfect you are? Don’t argue, just…listen. Back when I thought I was straight - when I wanted to be straight - I started feeling this attraction to boys…one in particular.” He took a quick glance at Mikey’s face then returned his eyes to a small hole in the bedspread. “And I hated it! I couldn’t accept these emotions. I didn’t want to be into boys, and I especially didn’t want to- well anyway, it was wrong. So I tried to stop myself feeling this way, convinced it was just a phase. Do you remember Estelle?”
Mikey nodded. Estelle had been Gerard’s best friend through his last few years of school. They weren’t inseparable, like obsessive best friends, but they looked out for each other. Mikey had met her a few times when she came over to visit.
“Well, I tried to…tried to…use her,” Gerard said with much difficulty. Mikey felt a slight sickness in his gut, but his head refused to make sense of what he was hearing.
“I don’t under-”
“Rape, Michael. I tried to rape her,” Gerard spat, and Mikey flinched. He didn’t know what to say or do, he was so shocked.
“I didn’t think it was rape at the time,” Gerard stammered, his words getting quicker and his tone more desperate. “I just started kissing her when she was over here once, trying to convince myself that this was what I wanted. But she rejected me, told me she didn’t think of me that way. And I knew I should have given up, but Mikey, I was desperate! I just pushed her down onto the bed and started pulling at her clothes…”
Mikey was feeling really sick now, and he inched further away from his brother. Gerard went on regardless, knowing he had to finish the story.
“She got away from me eventually. She was crying, and then I realised I was too. She probably thought I’d gone insane. She started yelling and screaming at me, then ran out of the house in hysterics. Mum and dad heard the whole argument, and probably found it easy to guess what had happened.” His voice was almost a whisper now, and the tension in the room was bordering on suffocating. “I was so ashamed; I left as quickly as I could. I knew a guy in New York, so I stayed with him until I could get enough money to rent my own apartment. And so there’s the story.”
The silence that followed Gerard’s confession was strangled and uncertain, as if the very air around them was trying to choke the life out of them. Mikey was scared to take a breath. His brother, his own sibling, had committed attempted rape in this house, in this very room, even. The thought shook him and he leapt off the bed, finding it unbearable to imagine the horror and humiliation the girl had gone through in the exact same place.
Gerard looked up at him with pleading eyes. “Mikey, please-”
“No,” Mikey said simply, holding up his hands. He couldn’t take this right now, not after everything that had happened in the past month. He wanted to vomit. He wanted to scream. He wanted to hurt Gerard, but at the same time, he never wanted to touch him again. Instead he walked swiftly out of the bedroom and into his own.
So the reason he hadn’t heard a single word from his brother in three years wasn’t because he hated his family, but because he was ashamed for something terrible he’d done. The whole hate act was just a façade, so that he would never have to admit to the truth of his actions.
Yet Mikey knew his parents. They’d be shocked and hurt, of course, but they were forgiving people. Sooner or later they’d try to make him come back home, wouldn’t they? Or did they really just bar their eldest son from their lives? Mikey wondered how many liars were in his fucked-up family.
Did Helena know about Gerard’s secret? Probably not. She still thought he was God’s gift to mankind. It would be best if she didn’t know. She’d be devastated to find out one of her beautiful boys was a rapist.
And shit, he’d just kissed that rapist! Ten minutes ago, the idea appealed to him. He wouldn’t deny that he’d enjoyed it. But now, the thought made him feel sick far beyond the point he’d felt the night after the funeral. It sunk right through his flesh and into his bones, and he found himself paralysed by his horror.
He didn’t know how long he was in this state before he heard the front door open and close, and he knew the house was empty. This seemed to break his trance and he let out a long breath, deciding he greatly needed a coffee. When he opened his bedroom door, it was to find a piece of paper on the carpet. He picked it up, noticing that the scrawl was messy and smudged.
Mikey, it read.
You have every right to hate me for the rest of your life, but I’m kinda hoping you won’t. What I did was wrong and unforgivable, and I won’t try to make any excuses for my past self. But I’ve changed. I know who I am…what I am, and I’m proud of the person I’ve become. If you give me the chance, I can prove to you that I’m a better person. If not, I will leave as soon as you tell me to, and I’ll never come into your life again.
Please believe in me.
Love G.
