I had been avoiding the subject for the last 20 minutes while I packed as fast as I could. Dean was angry that I had told Sam I had the rune, but didn’t mention it to him, and Sam was angry that I would dare tell him and not tell Dean. Needless to say, I was actually looking forward to fighting off some vampires.
"Why did you hide all of this from me?" Dean asked, coming into the room. "What is it that makes me so untrustworthy anyways?"
I sighed and turned to him. "Dean, I trust you, I do."
Dean scoffed. "That's why you told Sam first and hid the rune from us?"
"I was afraid." I said.
I sat down on the bed and Dean sighed and sat down next to me after pushing my bag to a different part of the bed.
"What are you afraid of?" He asked.
I stood up and ran my fingers through my hair, turning to him and crossing my arms over my chest.
"I'm afraid of you backing out of all of this. What if what's inside the rune is evil? What if I'm really evil? Why would you want to have anything to do with either of us if I was evil, when that means that in turn, he's evil too?" I asked.
"Lanni...I've let you in. This rune has to do with your life--with our son's life. You have to tell me about these things." He said.
Itook a breath. "I know that neither of us wants to fight, but what do you mean you let me in? Why do you think I gave up this baby? Why do you think I'm mad at you?"
"Lanni, stop. I told you that I cared. I told you I was scared to leave you and the baby." He said.
I nodded. "Yes you did, but you don't show it, do you? You just get mad at Sam and I for trying to save you. If you really cared then--"
"Then what? I'd stick around and play house? My brother died, Lanni--he died, and I had to bring him back. I had one chance--give up my soul and live one year so Sammy could live. He can take care of you when I'm gone." He told me, and as he came up to me, I backed up.
"I understand that he's your brother, and you love him, but what gave you the right to bring him back? What gave you the right to abandon your family and then just act like nothing was wrong? You're going around all happy and all commanding, and trying to do hunt, after hunt, after hunt, and you haven't even thought about me, have you?" I asked, trying to stop the tears that were starting to come.
Dean scoffed. "I haven't thought about you? Who do you think is better suited to raise our son? Me or Sam? Because when I made the choice to bring back my brother, part of that decision was for you. I want this kid raised right."
"So all of your excitement was just trying to make me feel better before the end?" I asked in disbelief. "If we're both going to for once be honest with each other, I haven't let you all the way in. I did once, and then all of this happened and now I'm a pregnant witch, demon woman, and I'm not sure what my past means for my future--our future. That is, if you still want to be in it."
Dean ran his hand down his face. "You know what, you're hormonal right now."
He headed out the door and I scoffed this time.
"Says the walking tampon." I said.
"When you're ready to have a more adult conversation, let me know." Dean told me.
I nodded. "Don't come with me. I don't want you there."
I grabbed my bag and walked past him out the door, knowing our hearts were hurting, but not caring at the moment. I started walking down the street from the motel, and I heard footsteps behind me.
"Seriously, Dean..." I said, turning around and sighing. "Or should I say, Sam?"
I rolled my eyes and kept walking, getting to a corner where I could get a taxi to the airport before Sam said anything.
"You can't just leave him like that." Sam told me, standing next to me.
"He's leaving me in a much worse manner." I said, blinking a tear that slid down my cheek before I brushed it off. "Maybe tough love will get through to him."
Sam sighed. "You guys don't have time for this."
"And who's fault was that?" I asked angrily, getting into the taxi.
"Your father's." Sam told me, and though I paused, I closed the door.
I was silent the whole trip to the airport, and silent on the plane, getting off to see Ryan standing there waiting for me. I didn't know why Jen had sent him, but then again, I hadn't told her that Dean and I were in a spat.
"Someone's eating too much." Ryan said playfully.
I smiled a little and returned his hug. "Well look at who I'm married to."
"Let me get your bags." Ryan told me, grabbing my bag before I could protest. "I parked close so we don't have to walk all that much, and Jen's cooking you a meal for when we get home."
"That's such a word isn't it? Home?" I asked.
"'It's where the heart is'." Ryan replied lamely.
I nodded. "My home is God knows where right now, doing God knows who."
Ryan frowned. "You really deserve better, Lana."
I shook my head. "I really don't."
Ryan sighed a little, but we were silent all the way to the house because he knew I didn't want to talk. I held all of the crying in until we got to the house. One look from Jen, and it was like she penetrated my entire hull. I started to cry and she held onto me, her hand resting on my stomach too.
"It's going to be okay, Lan." Jen whispered, kissing the top of my head. "You guys eat without us, okay?"
Paige and Ryan nodded, and Jen and I went upstairs to her guest room, and we sat down on the bed.
"I don't want to do this anymore, Jenny." I cried. "I'm not ready."
She nodded. "You can give the baby back until you are. Is that what this is about?"
I shook my head. "Not entirely."
"What happened?" She asked me as I sat up and wiped my eyes.
I took a deep breath. "We've shut each other out. We keep saying we trust each other, but we don't. If he's scared, which I don't think he is, he isn't showing it. He keeps picking up hunt, after hunt, and then tells me I can't help with them. He thinks I just want him around to play house."
"Honey, you do. Why wouldn't you?" Jen asked.
"As much as I want him around for that, I know that that isn't who he is." I told her truthfully. "I know Dean, better than anyone. He loves this world, don't get me wrong, but he loves the thrill, and the excitement, and helping people. He can't help people couped up in a house. If I had wanted a stay at home Dad, I should have picked Sam. That brings me to a whole other thing--Dean had the audacity to tell me that he brought Sam back partially to make sure my son was raised right!"
Jen rubbed my back. "To be honest, if I was in his position...if I was him...I would have brought Sam back to be the father to my son too. Have you tried to see it from Dean's point of view?"
"Can you see it from mine?" I asked her softly.
She nodded. "Lan, I think you of all people should know I can."
"I'm hormonal. I'm pregnant. I could be giving birth to the span of all evil. To top it off, the man I love most has given up his soul, and I get less than a year with him. I just want my husband to be around. And as the icing to the already teetering multi-layered cake--I could have a truly evil background besides the demon half. I mean what kind of woman mates with a demon when she knows he's a demon?" I asked.
Jen nodded again. "Remember that your mother went to the happy place."
"After she repented. What did she have to repent about?" I asked. "And why did Annie say 'peachy keen'? I thought you guys were all in serious trouble."
Jen smiled. "Kristin showed up and used some dark magic to save our asses. Chase is tied up in your basement. Kalli's been looking after him."
I nodded. "Is he well secured?"
"You don't have to see him tonight." Jen answered.
I smiled a little. "Good. I'd like to wallow a little and get my wits up--why does Ryan not know I'm pregnant?"
"That's your mess to clean up--not mine." Jen informed me.
I sighed. "I guess it is."
"Would you like to rant some more?" Jen asked after a pause.
"Dean and I are too selfish to be parents." I told her quietly. "I only think about what I need for myself and what I need to keep him alive, and he only thinks about taking out as many demons as possible before he has to leave the world. When we're old and gray, I'll be wishing the grandchildren didn't resent us--if our son hasn't either switched sides or gone out like his old man first."
Jen and I both laughed a little at the thought, and grasped hands.
"I can see it now--my kids all happily married, and me listening to you and Dean complaining all the time." She said with a smile. "Kevin telling me we should have moved away when we had the chance."
"When will that boy learn that 'we're never ready to leave'?" I asked, quoting one of our favorite songs.
Jen shrugged. "Probably never."
We both jumped a little when my cell phone went off, and I pulled it out to see that Dean was calling. We exchanged glances, and then she nodded.
"You have to answer it." She told me. "You can't keep running away from your problems."
I sighed. "I could if he hadn't thrown our future away."
Jen kissed the top of my head and left, so I answered right before the last ring ended.
"I'm safe." I told him.
"That's good." He replied.
I nodded. "We're safe anyways."
"Good." He repeated.
"I'm tired though, so I'm going to bed." I said.
"All right." He answered.
I nodded again. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight." He replied.
I hung up the phone and looked at it sadly. "I love you."
I set the phone down on the desk and pulled a nightgown out of the duffle, changing into it and laying in the bed. I snuggled into the covers and kept the tears at bay, wishing all of this could be easier--wishing it could all be over with. Even so, I woke up the next morning to a loud duffle zipper, and turned over.
"Took you long enough to wake up." Dean said.
"You can't drive here that fast." I told him.
Dean shrugged. "So I broke some driving laws."
I nodded and sat up. "I'm not sorry for what I said."
"Me neither." He said.
"I am sorry for how I said it, though." I told him, looking up at him.
He looked back at me and we made eye contact. He sighed a little and sat down on the bed, leaning over and kissing me softly. Right when I started to respond and kiss him back, he pulled away, and I frowned slightly.
"Jen told me everything when I came in." Dean said.
I nodded. "That's Jenny for you."
"I want you to be brutally honest to my face." Dean told me, looking me in the eye.
I took that moment to slap him, and he was surprised, but satisfied. He nodded and ran his hand over his cheek and I sat there for a moment before explaining myself.
"If I had done that a while ago, we might not have so many problems." I said.
Dean got off of the bed. "How do you figure?"
"You're a selfish asshole, and I have to get used to it. You threw away any future we might have together, and I can't pretend that I forgive you, because I don't." I told him, getting out of bed myself. "I mean, I know you were being all noble and saving your brother, but I'm here too, Dean! I'm your wife! We haven't made a single decision together that is truly for this relationship of ours!"
"Do you want to know why I really did it?" Dean asked me suddenly, and I just nodded after a long pause. "I had to save him."
I bit my lip before speaking. "What?"
"Dad said I would have to kill Sammy if I couldn't save him--I saved him. And you want to know what else? You and Sammy? You two are strong." Dean continued.
"No we're--" I tried.
"Let me finish." Dean said, holding up his hand. "You two are stronger than I could ever be. I knew when Sam died that I couldn't go on without him, even with you, my rock, right by my side. You and Sam could have moved on though. You have so much more to live for because you were right--you know me better than anyone. Sam would have settled down with you and finished Law School, and become a lawyer, and you two would have put our son on a path of good. You're the strongest woman I've ever met, Lanni. I was a mess when you died. Without you and Sam, I would have just wilted away."
"Dean, how can you doubt yourself like that?" I asked softly, stepping up to him and stroking his cheek.
Dean swallowed. "Because I know myself, and that's why I can't let you and Sam try and tinker with this--I can't let Sam be dead again. I wouldn't be able to live with the knowledge that I couldn't get to him in time. He's my little brother--my responsibility."
I kissed him before he could say anything else, and though stunned at first, he returned it slowly.
"What happened to this family wasn't your fault--Sam made me see that." I told him, resting my forehead against his. "Everything that happened was because of my father. He's gone now, but his damage is still here...I forgive you."
Dean gave me a look. "No you don't. I threw away our future--I didn't think of you, even when I complain that people should think of their loved ones first."
"You have to look after yourself though, too. I get it, Dean. When we're honest, we get through things. This marriage won't be held together without honesty." I said.
"I'm so angry with myself for leaving you alone." He whispered.
I nodded, and slid his jacket off of him. He raised an eyebrow, and I slid my nightgown off, and then I started to lift up his shirt, and he let me.
"Have sex with your pregnant wife." I told him.
"We can't just mask this with sex, Lanni." He protested, but let me pull him down with me onto the bed.
"I'm not saying we should mask it--I'm saying we should make each other feel better. This is strictly a husband and a wife making each other feel better so they can have a better, in depth conversation, with no anger and no yelling." I explained.
Dean ran his nose along mine as I slowly ran my fingers through his hair, our gaze locked.
"I could go for that." He whispered, kissing me softly.
"I'm yours...heart and soul." I told him firmly, running my fingertips along the part of his chest where his heart was.
He smiled and did the same to me. "I'm yours...heart and soul--though you might not want my soul cause it's going to burn."
I made a face, but when he grinned at his joke, I had to smile a little too.
"Maybe I like toasty, kind of singed souls." I said with a shrug.
He nodded, and then kissed me softly again. "You're my soulmate--I truly believe that."
"Are you going to make love to me, or make me cry?" I asked after a pause and a long look in his eyes.
He stroked my hair lovingly. "Let's make love, not tears."
****
"I know you well enough to know that three times just isn't the charm and you want to go again." I told Dean, stroking his bare torso as he laid on top of me, stroking my hair.
Dean smiled. "Yes, well, I know you well enough to know that you want to lay here for a little longer, and call Jen back before we continue."
I kissed him softly. "I know you well enough to know that all this loving is working out an appetite and you'd like pie in bed."
Dean chuckled. "I know you well enough to know that you'll pull your 'Lana' face and whisper dirty things in my ear to make me go get the pie so you can stay in the bed and not move so much."
I giggled. "I know you well enough to know that now that we've been bantering, you're ready to say loving things."
Dean kissed me softly. "I know you well enough to know that you're feeling sad about my time left, but you're pretending to be happy for me."
"I know you well enough to know that even though you don't always show it, besides Sam, I mean everything to you." I said, running my fingers along his bare torso some more.
"Isn't that a little conceited?" Dean asked, raising his eyebrows.
I rolled my eyes. "Don't deny it."
Dean chuckled and then kissed me again, only longer this time. Then he ran his nose along mine, and we looked each other in the eye.
"You mean everything to me--you and the baby." He said.
I nodded. "I know."
"When we know each other so well, why do we have such a hard time being truthful?" He asked.
I shrugged. "Most of that is my fault. I mean part of me is still blaming you for the limited time, but I think I'm finally getting over that. You did what you thought you had to do, and all I need to know is that you love me, and you love your son, and if you could have had it differently, you would have gotten Sam back, and still have gotten to live."
"I didn't mean it when I said 'play house'." Dean said. "I was getting upset because you want so much from me, but you should want that much from me. We created life, and I should be around to help raise him--teach him right from wrong and teach him how to hunt, and how to protect himself."
I nodded. "Well part of me wished that you had been Sam when Sam came out to tell me I was being ridiculous. If you had followed me, you might not have had to drive all the way out here with just Sammy."
Dean shrugged. "I'm not so sure. We were both really angry."
"If you had followed me, I would have been less likely to just hop into that cab. I wanted you to come out and tell me that we needed to work it out." I explained.
He smiled a little. "We both needed a little space."
"We needed to be honest." I said.
Dean nodded. "That too. Without honesty, this isn't going to work."
"I need to show you and Sam the ritual. I have to do it tonight." I whispered.
"I hate that you have to do this...but I understand." He whispered back. "Your past affects our son's future."
I nodded. "It affects our future too."
