That time of the year when the leafs change color, drop down to the ground and stay there - to rot ugly. The wind is lovingly peaceful at times, but quickly changes to angry, cutting wind, that throws the leaves where ever it pleases.
Time when people get a cold in schools and at work. The respirator store owner gets rich when people want to protect others from getting ill too.
The rain makes the plants grow and wet everything. After the rain the sun might carefully show from between the clouds, giving light and a bit warmth too. At times like that the apples may grow and turn red, and a brisk scent flows in the air. That's easy to breath.
And then already the water drops start the drumming against the roofs and alphalt. The ground barely had time to dry from after the last rain, and now this completely ruins the sun's intentions of drying.
When the door slammed shut in front of him and the footsteps echo in the stairs, the rain becomes a very small thing. He pulls the door open again and rushes out of the apartment.
"Shinya!" comes the shout. No reply.
The man turns his face to right and sees a window. The cool rain running against it, flowing down.
"Shinya..." comes the powerless whisper.
---
The reflections of lights made the world seem hard and cold. Steps hit against the wet asphalt, racing the heavy rain drops, and Shinya convinced himself that this was exactly what the world was. Cold, careless, selfish.
Because no one loves him on the inside. Only the comfortless and cold rain waits outside.
The man ran on the silent road, panting heavily. He wrapped the thin jacket tighter around himself and cursed in his mind that he didn't realize to take a scarf. He hugged the black umbrella against his skinny body. Shinya started to slow down, and ended up walking slowly.
The cold rain dripped flowed down his face, and trough the collar of the jacket one lucky drop reached his neck, making Shinya flinch and get goosebumps. The wet clothes glued against his skin.
"This is no use anymore at all", the man grunted at the umbrella and threw it on the street. He sat down against a wall and suffocated the small sob, that tried to come up from somewhere deep.
Every time we fight, I hope you wouldn't notice me. You wouldn't notice how my hands tremble and my eyes wet.
But you did notice.
Then something flashes in your eyes. Regret? Anger? Sadness?
Feelings are so difficult.
But the worry in your eyes was clear. I felt like I had always been evil. A big annoyance in your life.
After the fight it was silent. Words seemed useless after shouting.
You were always the first one to yell. And when I tried not to raise my voice, everything just piled up and suddenly broke down. We screamed to each other. Hurt each other with accusing words.
Then we didn't speak. That lasted usually a few days. Sometimes less, sometimes more.
Now you had been silent so long, I couldn't take it anymore.
Shinya glanced to the street, where the rain still danced. There was an umbrella, alone on the ground. The man sighed and went over to the umbrella. "Sorry. I shouldn't be angry at you", Shinya said.
"It's that that caring makes me be like this." The man picked up the umbrella from the ground and gave it a small smile.
"Maybe as an apology I'll use you, even though it probably won't save me from getting soaking wet."
Shinya grabbed on the umbrella with his other hand and the other hand opened it. For bad luck, just when the umbrella opened, an evil wind decided to bully poor drummer. It came so suddenly that the umbrella flew from Shinya's hand.
A pretty feminine scream escaped Shinya's lips when the wind threw his umbrella around the street. It seemed like the wind wanted the object all to itself. Suddenly the wind lost it's power and the umbrella fell back to the ground.
Shinya ran to the black lump. He picked it up and hugged it tight. Tears escaped from his closed eyes. They rolled on the already wet face.
---
Kyo stood in the hall.
The slam of the door still echoed in the apartment. He head the running steps from the staircase.
The screaming, signs of bad words already floated in the air, making it dirty and suffocating.
Outside it was just starting to rain more and more. The heavy rain drops threw themselves against the window glass.
Kyo needed fresh air - and a cigarette.
He dig inside his pocket and found a pack. Three left. He put on some shoes, pulled on a jacker and opened the door, that had a moment ago slammed on his face.
Kyo stepped down the steps quietly.
The front door let out a squeak and behind it waited the dark, wet reality. Everything seemed endlessly miserable and confusing.
The rain hit against him. Kyo had to fight with his umbrella to get it open.
He lift the cigarette to his lips and protected it from wind with his hands while lighting it.
The man took a drag from it and started walking.
I notice your voice tremble. You fight against tears.
The look in your eyes tells me that you're sorry. You're sorry that you're so weak.
Weak people cry.
You have no idea how much I want to cry with you.
But I'm not good enough for that. I just want to hold you close, but I can't.
That's weakness. Facing your own and other's emotions. It's hard, but when you can do that, you're brave.
I am a coward.
I hide my insecurity with stinging, hard words that hurt. They hurt you, but also they hurt me. Even more hurts the though that I drive you to say accusing words too. That makes me hate myself even more.
I would never be angry at you. I'm angry at myself.
Then I close to silence. To punish myself.
And it's not a good way. I realize that now. You're in pain when we don't speak.
You're important to me.
But it's difficult for me to show my emotions.
Feelings are difficult.
Kyo felt his nails press against the flesh of his palm, leaving red marks on the skin.
Did he have feelings at all? What did he feel for Shinya?
The steps were silent, hitting against the wet asphalt, and the rain made a noise when colliding with the umbrella.
Kyo walked without a destination. He walked on the side roads, that were surrounded by ordinary houses - the homes of people. Were they alright and happy?
That Kyo couldn't know, but he assumed that everybody else was doing better than he.
He, bastard with no feelings.
The remains of self pity disappeared immediately when he noticed a human form in front of him.
The person was sitting down on the ground, and the light of street lamps fell upon him.
Kyo stopped walking. The man closed his umbrella and welcomed the rain, that wet his face and body all over.
"Shinya", he whispered.
The man could have never heard that, but maybe Shinya sensed the other's precense.
He rose to stand and opened his mouth:
"I'm not coming back."
Kyo heard those words clearly. A piece of ice crushed his heart.
Shinya gave Kyo a sad look. The man didn't see his face clearly, but did hear from the drummer's voice that tears weren't far.
And that's what Kyo was afraid. He wasn't afraid of death, spiders, or even Dir en grey splitting up as much as he was afraid of Shinya's cry.
Tears were so complicated thing. You can cry out of happiness and sadness. But the bitter, angry tears hurt the most, and those are the ones Kyo never wants to see on Shinya's face.
He should say three words. Three words that can heal the world.
But that took courage, and where on earth would Kyo find that from? He was a coward.
The vocalist went trough his pockets. Shinya looked down.
When Kyo found what he was looking for, he lift the cig to his lips and lighted it. The hot end of the cigarette burned red in the night and the poisonous smoke, that Kyo first dragged him and then blev out, trailed away with the wind.
While smoking the deathly nicotine, Kyo had time to think. Not coming back. The man took in the last bit of smoke, threw the cig to the ground and stepped on it. He cleared his throat.
"Shinya, I..."
He thought of how Shinya always kissed him gently on the lips in the morning, even if they didn't have sex the previous night.
"... Uh..."
He thought of how Shinya always adored him in bed and agreed with everything Kyo did. Maybe a little too easily.
"I'm..."
Had they ever made love? Where had Kyo's feelings been then?
Now he recognized them clearly.
Kyo forgot himself to stare at Shinya's dark features, mouth hanging open.
"Yeah?" he asked quietly. Kyo closed his mouth.
"Shinya, I'm sorry."
The drummer breathed sharply. He stepped closer to the other one.
Tears came into his eyes almost forcingly as he reached out a hand towards the shorter man.
"I'm sorry"; Kyo repeated when Shinya touched his cheek.
"I believe that"; Shinya whispered. "But I don't want to come back. I'm not needed anymore."
Kyo's pulse got faster. He had been honest. Wasn't that enough?
"But you are needed!"
"Who needs me?"
"... Your dog..."
"She'll come with me."
Silence.
"So would I", Kyo whispered with raspy voice, pressing his head against the hand caressing his cheek. "But I'd rather have you back."
Kyo reopened his umbrella and lift it above their heads.
It was protecting both of them. It put them together.
Kyo heard from Shinya's voice that he was laughing. "I don't fit here very well."
Kyo laughed quietly and lifted the umbrella so Shinya could stand straight.
Under the umbrella they looked at each other. For a long time, deep into each other's eyes.
It was raining less, and didn't drum on the black umbrella anymore. Kyo put it down slowly and wrapped his arms around Shinya while the other man did the same to him. They felt each other's warmth and heartbeat.
They lift their heads at the same time, and let their lips find each other.
They kissed long in the cool, autumn night. Soon it will rain again, but that won't be a problem to the couple warming up under the covers. They will be together, until some disagreement will seperate them from each other again.
Or maybe the next fight will never come.
They were sensitive on their own ways.
Kyo was like the wind. At times warm, gentle and caressing. And other times cold, hurting and angry. Shinya was like a tree, or rather the leaves of a tree. In summer the wind sang them to sleep safely. But when the autumn came, everything changed. The wind ripped off the leaves, one at a time, and sent them to spin wildly trough the air.
But it wasn't permanent. The tree, Shinya, was strong.
The leaves always grew back, and sun started to shine and the wind was gentle.
