Dissected (1)

Natalie helps me off the ground and supports me all the way to her house. I thought a long time ago this girl was an angel, but I never expected to have it proved. She unlocks the door and leads me over to a sofa in the sitting room. Fortunatelly, nobody's home. Then she walks over to a cabinet and takes out some meds. She comes back to me with a disinfectant and starts torturing me with it. I wince as she applies it to my eyebrows and my lips. But the pain is mixed with love, so I guess I have a pretty good chance of making it out of this purgatory. I keep looking at her face all the time she fixes my wounds. Her hand travels across my cheek and makes the places it passes over tremble from her touch. Finally she just puts the bloddy tissues away and keeps looking at me in turn, still kneeling in front of me. And all I wish for is for this moment to take forever. It feels like now that I'm totally screwed she finally begins to really accept me, see me, for who I am. If I don't break the look soon, she'll know everything there is to know about Shawn Waine. So what I do is look away, eyes still longing for her face.

"So are you gonna tell me what happened?" she asks softly. Of all the questions this is the one I don't want to be answering, but she'll know soon enough anyway, and maybe it's better if it comes from me.

"I...got into a fight with Ryan," I tell her. She twitches a little and then asks again, without breaking the eye connection.

"Why?"

"Because of you. I wanted him to pay for what he did to you."

And then it happens. She leans closer to me and slowly kisses me on the lips. I can't control the heat anymore and I really think I'll scorch her to a cinder if she continues for a while longer. It feels like eternity and yet a very short moment before she pulls away.

"Thank you," she mouths. But she doesn't have to. I'm not so stupid nor so big-headed to think she kissed me because she feels something other than gratitude toward me. I guess the bastard Ryan's really lucky. Shit, I know he is. And even though maybe she shouldn't have kissed me not to make my blood boil, I'm still able to appreciate the kiss for what it was- gratitude. She smiles at me because she knows I understand and I can feel some kind of a bond springing up between us. She sits on the sofa next to me and starts talking. About how she met Ryan and fell in love with him, and about what it feels like not to have him around. She even tells me of her own hopes and fears, and even though it hurts like hell, I keep on listening. And then she smiles at me again and starts asking questions about me, and before I even know it, I'm telling her about my mom and dad, about my painting and everything I am. And as I do it, this wave of relief passes over me, relief of finally having told this to someone, of not having to keep it all inside. And she seems to understand. She even asks to see some of my paintings, and so I show her the ones I have in my cellphone. She doesn't say anything like O wow, they're beautiful, she just studies me and the pictures for a moment and then puts the cellphone aside. Then she leaves for a while and brings those brochures about an art school in California. She starts reading from them to me and mentions the scholarships they offer. Even before she's done with it I have this really weird sensation inside of me. It takes a while for me to realize it's hope. Hope than someday things'll be okay. And hope that that day isn't too far ahead.

I stay talking with Natalie till daybreak. Then she makes some waffles with chocolate cream and we eat. I haven't even realized till this moment how hungry I was. She wants me to get some sleep on the sofa, but all of a sudden I'm not tired. I don't want to argue with her though so I just slip out of the house while she's looking for covers. I pull on my coat and walk toward to the soft light of the new day just being born. I stand still for a while, lighting a cigarette and watching the sun dispelling the shadows of the night. The snow beneath my feet starts shining like diamond powder and the light is rosy and sort of innocent and invigorating, like a new beginning after a loooong end. And maybe this is a new beginning for me, a way to start over. I push my hands into my pockets and finally, after eighteen years, feel the barriers around my heart break and collapse down on the ground.

I guess you'd like to know how the whole story ends. But I can't tell you how this ends. Because I got my second chance and my new life has just begun. And who knows if it'll be better or worse than the one I've left behind. All I gotta do is have hope because with it it all started. And there's one thing more you have to know. I've finally figured out what the red light is. I'm not lost in the blizzard anymore because I've finally reached it.

The red light is hope.