Death Note, Drugs, and Vampires oh my!

Light had fallen asleep in the police cruiser. When he woke up all he could see was L’s face, upside down, and staring at him.
Light was startled.
Light jumped.
Light sent a panda-like detective flying across the cell into Ryuk’s lap.
Ryuk started flapping his arms and screaming “get it off” repeatedly.
As L climbed off the disgruntled shinigami, Light gave him the death glare to end all death glares and hissed, “Why were you doing that?”
“The police refused to let me keep us chained together, so I decided to stare at you instead.”
“Did you have to be that close?”
“I am getting the impression you don’t want to be watched. Thus giving me the impression that you are doing something that would raise your chance of being Kira, thus your chance of being Kira has increased by 2%” L said cockily as he shuffled back over to sit on the bench Light was leaning against.
“Has anyone ever told you that you have swiss cheese logic?’
“No”
“You have swiss cheese logic”
“In what way does my logic resemble cheese?”
“In the way that you use the holes in it to spring right to me being Kira!”
“You merely think my logic is cheesy because you are jealous.”
“How could I be jealous of an annoying, unkempt panda like you?!”
“You two better stop making so much noise before I have to sit on you!” Mello shouted from the other side of the cell.
“seriously! You sound like an old married couple!” said Matt.
Light gave Matt a death glare almost worse than the one he had given L and asked, “So were are Misa, Matsuda, and Near?”
“They thought Near was a kid and didn’t jail him, Misa had enough money to bail herself out, and Matsuda got out of it with his police badge.” Matt said.
While Light was internally cursing Misa for not bailing him out too so he didn’t have to spend any more time than he had too with these lunatics, L had shuffled over to bars and was trying to convince the guards that he was a detective.
“Do you have any identification?” asked the guard, obviously very bored
“Umm… not on me. If I could make a call I could get it.” Maybe.
“Here,” sighed the guard as he handed L his cell phone.
After a few beeps that went perfectly in tune to twinkle twinkle little star, L held the phone to his ear and waited for Watari to pick up.
“Moshe Moshe.”
“Watari, do I have any documents identifying me as a real detective?”
“No.”
“Am I even really an official detective?”
“No.”
“Lovely… could you please get in our private jet and bail me out of jail?”
“Did Mello shoot things again?”
“yes, Mello did shoot things. And there was a car chase and I’m wearing tye-dye and there’s no candy. HURRY.”
“On my way.”
“Thank you.” L shut the phone and handed it back to the guard.
“It appears I was never officially made a detective so there are no papers but I have a friend coming with bail money.” he informed the guard.
“Nice.” he said, still very bored, and continued his patrol.
Then Mello started crying.
“What’s wrong Mell?” Matt asked, hugging him.
“They… took… all my… CHOCOLATE!!!”
“Aww, It’s ok. We’ll be out of here soon and then we can buy you all the chocolate you want!”
“Speaking of chocolate, whatever happened to that apple?” Ryuk asked.
“We left it on the side of the highway.” Light sneered.
The three snack fiends exchanged looks of great remorse before huddling together to formulate a plan to get it back, not even caring when Light pointed out that it had probably been carried away by ants long ago.
Hours past. Slowly the realization that they’d be in an American jail somewhere between San Francisco and Las Vegas set in.
Meal time wasn’t fun. There was no sugar, they weren’t sure if what they were eating was from Earth or not, and they couldn’t find anywhere to sit. Eventually Mello got in a fight over some chairs with a very large, well muscled guy and his gang.
Said thugs got laughed at for the next three years by their fellow inmates for getting beaten to a pulp by a girl.
Mello was put in isolation.
Matt was very lonely.
other than that, their stay wasn’t that hectic. That is until about four in the morning when someone took Mello’s place in their cell.
“Oh my god it’s Sweeney Todd!” L screamed. (After saying this a pink, heart shaped sticky note appeared on his forehead. When he peeled it off and read it, it said this: Just because Sweeney Todd walked in doesn’t make this a musical! No rhyming! ~Love Crowtar)
“In the name of Mario! Those fairies are relentless!” Matt exclaimed, looming over L’s shoulder to read the note.
“Wow… your hair’s worse off than L’s!” Light laughed at Sweeney Todd, or maybe giggled, we’re not quite sure.
“So uhh… why are you in America?” L asked.
“Eh, that Lovett lady got annoying. I’m on vacation. Apparently old school barber knives are in California.”
“Everything’s illegal in California! We can’t set mouse traps without a freaking hunting license!” Matt whined.
“Yea! And we can’t molest butterflies!” Ryuk said in a pathetic - and creepy - attempt to help.
“Ryuk, why would you want to molest a butterfly?” Light sighed, dishing out yet another death glare.
“It landed on my apple…”
“…*smack*…”
“Owy… why did you have to hit me? That wasn’t very nice Light.”
“You see what I have to deal with when you get them all riled up?” L asked Sweeney Todd. “I have to deal with this on a daily basis.”
“I could arrange for something unfortunate to happen to them…”
“I’d like to see you try to kill me before I can kill you!” Light yelled, trying to get in a dramatic pose but only succeeding in putting his hands on his hips in a very girly manner.
“50%!”
“Aw come on L! That makes a total of at least 130%!”
“Is that a confession?”
“… *smack*…”
“Don’t make me kick you in the face again.”
“Ha! bring it on!”
And so L pounced Light.
And Light was beaten to a pulp so fast the guards didn’t even notice so L escaped being stuck in isolation with a certain girly mafia boss with an attitude problem.
“And that, Kira, is why I am cool and you are a man-bitch.”
“Ok that’s it! Ryuk, gimmie the-” Fortunately, Light was unable to complete this highly incriminating sentence, for at that moment a guard walked up and announced the arrival of Watari.
After saying good bye to everyone's favorite demon barber, they were lead through a labyrinth of corridors for what seemed like… 5 minutes… when it was really 10... teasing other prisoners who were still in the slamma’ was just that fun.
Once they made it to the office, they met back up with Mello, who was in shackles, sitting on the floor, and pouting.
“Mells!” Matt yelled and skipped (yes, that’s right folks, Matt skipped) over to Mello and in every sense of the word, glomped him.
“Matty-Bear!” Mello squealed and somehow managed to return his boyfriend’s glomp even though he had shackles on.
There were many exclamations of “Wow dawg, PDA” along with a few more hostile phrases that were quickly quelled by a death glare from Mello.(It is a little know fact, but the one person on the entire planet more skilled at death glares than Light is Mello.)
Finally, Watari walked into the office from an adjacent office with a big box full of all the stuff the cops took out of their pockets when they locked them up.
Light literally flung himself at said box and tore it apart until he found his special watch.
After much tired driving, a fight over the last chocolate chip pancake, and Near making Mello cry, they finally found a half decent motel some where outside of Los Vegas
That night when Light opened up the secret compartment to make sure the death note paper was still in there, he found another one of those pink heart sticky notes. This one said: You should invest in sharpie minies! ~Love Poque
Underneath the sticky note (which managed to stick itself to his ass)
He found the death note paper.
‘Good,’ He thought, ‘No annoying plot fairies have to die today.’
He quietly crept back over to the bed, being extremely careful not to wake L. The detective had slammed them right back on his wrist as soon as they were out side of the jail, thus forcing them to sleep together.
‘Exactly as planned,’ Light thought with an evil grin as he snuggled a little closer to his panda bear and stealthily planted a kiss on his cheek.