I Swear I Never Meant To Let It Die {Adam Gontier}

*ADAM'S POINT OF VIEW*

"wanna get some gasoline, and burn the house do- oh fuck me, i can't get it!" i sighed grumpily. i'd been warming up to seethers new album "disclaimer" for atleast 40 minutes, i still couldn't get the tone right. i sat down just as the bus hit a particularly big bump, i smacked my head on the bunk above me "owww" i said, rubbing it gently. i sighed and lay back down on the bed. we where driving into alabama, the second time we'd been here on this tour. i picked up our finished cd, gaving had given it to us by mail about a month ago. he'd done working on it, the pictures already taken, it was nearly ready to be released. i smiled looking at it. i'd poured my heart into those 12 songs for months. we'd had our weekend at home back in january, and had to return to the studio for another month to finish the record. we had one day off during that time, and it was just to go home and pack for the tour.

i stared down at my empty bag. i needed to pack, but not too much, and not too little. i looked over at the pile of clean clothes beside me that nicole had just brought up. i threw them in. i could always borrow from the guys need be. "adz, are you ready?" i looked up, she was standing in the doorway. i shook my head "not even close" i sat down and rubbed my eyes. 7 months we where gone, 7 months. no breaks inbetween, it was a straight tour. i wouldn't see my girl for more than half a year. i was ready in the sense that i was packed and going, but not ready mentally. not ready to leave her so soon after getting her back. "you okay?" she asked, sitting beside me, taking my hand. i held it and looked on her eyes "i don't want to leave you, can't you come with me?" she smiled and kissed my nose "you know i can't adam.... i can't come with you" i sighed, i knew it too. she rested her head on my shoulder. i kissed her hair "i'm gonna miss you baby" i said, the smell of her shampoo filling my nose, it was like getting high. she looked up at me, her eyes tearing a bit, she took my face in her hand, her skin soft against the stubble on my cheeks "i'm going to miss you too sweetheart, but this is what you've been working for your whole life. it's what you want to be doing, you're going to have so much fun, meet so many amazing people" she laughed "and tell chad that i think he's cute" i laughed too "he'll try and steal you away from me" i said kissing her, she stood up "who said i wouldn't let him?" she giggled, i threw a pillow at her. i grinned up at her. any other girl, i knew, would be freaking out that i was leaving for so long. but she knew how much this meant to me, how much i loved being a musician. she just knew.

i woke up, i blinked my eyes to clear away the fog of sleep. we'd stopped moving, i pushed the blinds open a little, we where at a gas station. neil was sleeping soundly in the bunk beside me. i yawned and nugged him with my foot. his eyes opened slowly "we're at a gas station man, you need anything? i'm getting some ciggs" i said, getting up and stretching. he shook his head "no thanks man, i'm good" i made my way towards the door "actually, can you get me a coffee please?" he asked mid yawn. i nodded "sure thing" i stepped out of the bus, my legs waking up a bit. i saw barry and brad inside, standing in line "hey guys" i said, filling up a cup of coffee from the dispenser, getting a few packs of sugar and cream "hey adz" said brad, he looked like he'd just woken up too. i stood in line and looked around at all the brands i'd never heard of. fuck, this would take some getting used to. brad and barry bought what they needed, i was next in line. "hey man, how are ya?" i said to the man at the cash register. he just stared at me, his eyebrow raised, all right then "can i get a du maurier edition, large regular?" i asked. he threw it down at the counter and looked at me "nine bucks" he said. i slid him a ten of the american cash we'd been given. he gave me back a one dollar bill. i still couldn't get the hang of using a bill for one dollar. it was so weird. "thanks" i said. he still just stared at me "a fucking your welcome would be nice" i said quietly as i walked out the door and back into the bus. neil was sitting in the lounge, flipping through tv channels. he sighed and set the remote down. i handed him the coffee "thanks" he said, adding the sugar and cream, taking a sip. he pursed his lips "ughh, this stuff is disgusting" he said setting it down "it's fuckign gas station coffee, what where you expecting?" i said laughing. sticking a ciggarette in between my lips and lighting it, sucking in as much smoke as my lungs would hold. i sat down beside neil "so i called janin" he said, stirring the coffee around. "and what did she say?" i asked. he smiled "she's great, she can feel the baby kicking now" he said excitedly, he looked up, his blue eyes dancing with happiness. i smiled at him "that's awesome man, how far along is she now?" i'd lost count of the days, all i knew is that it had been a LONG time since we'd been home "7 months" he said. he pulled out his phone "she sent me a picture this morning" he held it out. janin wa standing so you could see her profile she had her shirt off, her hands covering her breasts, but that's not what i was looking at, her stomach was swollen, protruding far past her normal state, she'd grown so much in the last 5 months. "wow man, she's really getting big" i said, running my hands through my mohawk. "i know, i wish i could be there with her" he said, sadness filling his voice "we all wish we could be home neil, we haven't seen our girls in the last 5 months, we all want to be home" he looked up at me, the look in his eyes showed he wasn't concerned about that, fear was in them "i'm scared she's going to go into labour when we're still on tour, she's due in 2 months, just when we finish the tour. i'm scared i won't be there" his lip quivered a bit. "awww, fuck neil" i said, getting up and sitting beside him, putting my arm around his shoulder. he sniffled a bit "i just want to be there to see my baby be born, to be there for her" i smiled "neil, you're doing the best thing for her right now. you're making a living so you can provide for your family, this is where she needs you right now. you're going to be a great dad neil, don't worry about it" he smiled and hugged me "thanks adz" i hugged him back "i, on that other hand, am i allowed to miss your sister" he laughed, wiping a tear away "have you called her lately?" he asked. i smiled. i had, we'd spoken for hours, i told her about all the things i'd been doing on tour, how we'd become close with the guys in breaking benjamin, one of my favourite bands and i was touring with them. and she just listened, laughing at the mishaps we'd had so far, she told me about how she'd found a new barn to ride at, and had been going frequently to keep busy, she told me how all the girls where doing good, how cale and michelle and stayed and michelle's house for the past few months "yeah, i have" i smiled again "i miss her man" i said, taking my arm off of him. i hated not feeling her beside me at night, being able to kiss her when i wanted to it. it sucked, i hated this part of touring. i sighed "two more months man, that's all we have to live through" i stopped and mentally punched myself. why the fuck am i bitching about this??? i'm playing my music in ARENA'S packed with people! only a few bands ever got to experience this. don't get me wrong, i was grateful as hell for this opportunity! to be touring, doing what i love! but missing someone is natural right? wanting to sleep in my own bed, in my own house, in my town, i'm allowed to want that aren't i? neil laughed "where you just thinking what i was thinking?" "that we're selfish bastards?" i asked, laughing too "we have a winner. we're lucky adz, we are" "i know man"

"i hate everything about you, why do i love you?" ben burnley, the lead singer of breaking benjamin, and also the funniest person i'd ever met, sang in a falcetto tone, spinning around the room. the whole group of bands cracked up laughing. we where sitting backstage in the green room, beers in hand, cracking jokes and having fun. great thing about being on a nickelback tour, the beer never stops flowing. i admit, we where all a little drunk, but what's touring without it? ben waltzed towards me, hands outstretched. i knew by now that ben was very "comfortable" with touching other guys, but i took his hands anyway, we spun around, laughing loudly. "oh dear god" i heard chad kroeger say, he was standing in the doorway, a smile on his face "join us chad?" asked ben, holding out another hand. he shook his head "i'm fine over here, far away from the homo's" a chorus of laughter erupted "i'm not gay" i said laughing "ask neil, i'm sleeping with his sister" neil blushed, as soon as everyone saw, they laughed along with me and ben. i took my hands out of his grasp. and sat back down, trying to steady the dizzy world. i couldn't belive it, i was sitting in a room with nickelback and breaking benjamin, something i used to dream about, was a reality! a woman walked in the room "umm, three days grace?" she asked. i raised my hand, she smiled "you're about to go on" she said, in a southern accent, we where in alabama after all. barry, brad, neil and i got up, saying our goodbyes to the other bands. and walked toward the stage. i could hear the crowd buzzing, talking, screaming. i picked up my guitar, putting it over my shoulder, off to play to another arena of people, a smile creeping on my face.