I Swear I Never Meant To Let It Die {Adam Gontier}

*ADAM'S POINT OF VIEW*

i stared down at my hands, opening and closing them. the low sound of many conversations around me, i heard bits and peices of each "yeah, 2 months sober! isn't it great?!" "hi baby, god, daddy missed you so much" "i can't deal with this anymore!" the sound of a chair scraping, heels clacking against the tile floor. another one had walked out. i turned around, seeing jared, the newest addition to our group, sit back in his chair, and run his hands through his hair. he caught me looking at him "you need something?" he snapped. i turned my head. not from you asshole. i looked out through the window, in front of me. it was fall, the leaves had all fallen off the tree's, a cold win blowing, the sky grey. it looked dead. just how i felt. it was visiting hours, and for the 3rd time in a row, nobody had come to see me. i'd told my mom and dad i was in here, they never called, sent mail. i was alone in here. i sighed and got up, walking towards the door "need something adam?" asked christine, the resident tech "just going to the bathroom" i said. she smiled "they'll come adam" i smiled weakly back at her. they won't come. i opened the bathroom door, resting my hands against the sink. staring back at the face in the mirror. it wasn't my face. it wasn't. his eyes where sunken in, the life gone from them, the shine they once had was lost. his hair was brittle, and dull. his cheeks where sallow and hollow from not eating. not mine, not me. it wasn't that adam staring back at me, it was another one. the real adam was just hiding, trying to hurt me. "you know it's you adam, it's you that's in here, locked away. it's you that nobody wants to see, everyone wants to forget" i shut my eyes tight, trying to squueze the voice out "i won't leave adam, you know i won't. i'm always here...." "please stop" i pleaded quietly. he, the voice, came to me when i was alone, vulnerable. attacking me. it never left me. i pushed the door of the bathroom open, longing for the sounds of people talking. he didn't talk to me when people where around. he wasa coward "YOU'RE THE COWARD!" he screamed at me. i stopped in my tracks, he never talks to me in the open "you're the one who took advantage of people who love you. you're the one who lied, cheated and stole from them. YOU are the one who beat her! i'm not the coward! YOU ARE!" i put my hands over my ears. he was so loud, he wouldn't stop "COWARD! COWARD! COWARD!" he spat, repeating over and over again. i dropped to my knees "i'm not! i'm not!" i cried"YOU ARE!" "NO!" i screamed out, tears falling down my face. i felt hands grasp me by the shoulders, pushing me to the ground. i kicked my feet, struggling to get away. i saw christine walking towards me with them, the needles "NO NO! PLEASE! I'LL STOP!" i screamed, trying to get away "they hurt! please, don't!" i cried, sobs shaking me "shhh, adam, this will make you feel better" she said nearing me, bending down, bringing the tip closer and closer to my arm "DON'T!" i screamed, trying to pull away "it will go fast adam, relax" she said, sticking it in my arm "NICOLE! HELP ME! HELP ME! it hurts so much! make them stop, make them stop!" i screamed. but she wasn't there. she couldn't save me.

i sat up straight in bed. my eyes bleary, i couldn't see anything. i felt someone hands on me. i stiffened, remembering when they used to take me away. "adam, it's me" she said quietly. her arms wrapping around me "you're safe" she said, kissing my cheek "it's okay" i let out a shaky breath. her hands trailed over my face, the feeling of her skin against mine was so comforting. i pressed my face against her hand. i lay back down slowly on the bed, my head falling on the pillow. she pressed herself against me. her warm skin, heating up my clamy one. i wiped the sweat off of my forhead, and turned towards her, her eyes had taken on a worried expression. her lip quivered "i'm sorry i couldn't save you adam...." i sat up so we where nose to nose "you did save me. you made me whole again" he whispered, touching my lips to hers. she brought adam back, he wasn't hiding anymore.

i walked downstairs the next morning. last night still fresh in my mind. she'd stayed up with me for hours, stroking my face, until i finally drifted back to sleep. she hadn't given up. i smiled. she thought she wasn't there for me in rehab, but she was, she was. she's what got me through everyday. i got through it for her, so i could show her the man i COULD be. so i could see her again, and hold her as complete person, not a broken one. she fixed me. she was standing at the counter, staring out the window, a daze over her face. watching the snow fall. only she and i where awake. i walked behind her, and wrapped my arms around her. she leaned back into my chest "listen, about last ni-" i started "don't.... you didn't do anything wrong. i would've stayed up with you for a whole night if i had too" she turned around "when i heard you say 'nicole, help me' it broke my heart adam, it really did. it hurts me so much knowing that i wasn't there. that i left you. it makes me sick" she said through tears. i took her face in my hands, wiping the tears away "you, and only you, was the reason that i got through rehab. i thought about you everyday, everynight. i got through it, so i could show you i could be there for you. so i could be a real man for you" she jumped in my arms, and i squeezed her tightly. stop making me fall in love... "you where there for me every step of the way" i whispered into her ear "you owe nothing to me. but god, adam, i'm so glad that i'm with you right now" my heart leaped. my throat felt tight, i could feel tears in the back of my throat. i set her down, and she looked in my eyes "i thought about you too adam. i didn't forget you" my eyes widened. she though about me too? "i wanted to badly everyday to run back here and tell you how much i love you. i was so afraid that if i came back, you'd be worse.... or dead" she stopped, and took a deep breath. she did, she did care.... "i though that leaving you was the right thing to do. but i was being such a selfish bitch" she spat, harshly at the last word "but i was selfish adam, i was" her forest green eyes poking out behind her thick dark eyelashes. god, you're so beautiful "i wanted you. all to myself, nobody else was allowed to have you. i didn't want to come back and find you with someone else.... i would've driven to the nearest bridge and jumped off of it" "i would have dumped her for you.... i would do anything for you....." i said, nuzzling my nose against hers. she smiled. i missed her smile when she ws gone. it made me so happy to see her smiling. it lit up everything around her. it lit up my soul. i put my arms around her, she pressed her face into my chest. i smiled thinking about all the lost time we had to make up.

*2 DAYS LATER*
*REGULAR POINT OF VIEW*

"YOU GUYS SLEPT TOGETHER!" adam cried out, bending over with laughter, shaking his whole body. i had to laugh too, not becuase of what he was, but he looked so cute when he laughed. his smile made my heart leap a foot in the air "SEE! what did i tell you that my little shit of a brother would get laid before i do!" brad said, joining he adam.we where at the dinner table, and matt had made the mistake of whispering something to lucy about last night. neil had heard and yelled it to the whole table "matt, was this your first time?" asked barry, smile on his face, heather rolled her eyes "you guys are so immature" matt blushed a little "IT WAS!" cried out cale, the whole table erupted in cackles again. i started laughing too "how was he lucy?" asked adam. she looked down and poked at her food "i wouldn't want to talk about it either" said neil. adam let out a snort, beer coming through his nose. and we all started laughing once again. my sides ached from it, but it felt so good. he sputtered, and neil let out a bellow of laughter watching him. this was the family i remember, these where the guys i grew up with. i smiled a big smile. "did you even manage to keep it up matt?" asked brad "oh brad! that's personal!" i said, giving him a shove, he grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze "he can tell me!" matt blushed again "i kept it up fine thanks" i looked up at lucy, she was sitting, picking at her food. okay, this had gone far enough, it was getting awkward for her "alright guys, cool it. it's getting too much now" i said, she smiledthankfully at me "oh right, we could talk about you and adam!" said barry, laughing. i glared at him "adam, adam, adam!" cried out brad in the most femenine voice he could "oh adam! fuck me harder" "hey!" i cried "i never said that!" everyone started laughing again, even lucy had to laugh. i shrugged my shoulders and joined in, might aswell. adam looked over at me, and smiled. i smiled back. the phone rang, and the laughter died down. neil picked it up "hello?" he said, a bit of a chuckle still in his voice "oh, yeah, great thanks. yeah, see you later richard" he hung up, everyone looked at him expectantly "so that was richard" adam rolled his eyes "no shit buddy" neil glared at him "and oh, we just have a tour lined up with two little bands called, nickelback, and breaking benjamin!" he screamed out the bands names. we all erupted in cheers, hugging each other, giving congrats. i gave adam a big kiss on the lips "but umm, the tour is..... 7 months...." everything went quiet. 7 months?