Me: (Shoots through window with crash helmet) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! Hiya people! Today I'm here with Scar, or more accurately, I knocked him out with a stun grenade. Me: Scary, you DO realize she’s beaten you to the interview for like five interviews, right? Scary: I’m okay with that. It means I can spend less time dealing with you. Me: Such love. Scary: Question 3! Did your- Peacock: Question 3! Did your brother ever really create a Homunculus? Peacock: Semi-religiously. Me: We really need to start locking up the coffee. For the good of all involved. Scary: Think of the children. All I’m saying. Freaky: Way to go. Tiki: OH, I JUST LOVE BEING TAG-TEAMED. Tiki: I’M NOT SURE!! Me: QUIT YELLING!!
Scar: (Wakes up) Wha...Where am I?
Me: Sorry to disappoint you, Dorothy, but you ain't in Ishbal anymore.
Scar: …Why am I chained to a chair?
Me: So you won't run away when we bug you.
Scar: I can destroy these, you know.
Me: No you can't. They're special chains.
Scar: Special?
Me: As in special ed. We get all our stuff from the Fantards’ Union. Long story. Not a lot of time. Moving on. Question 1! How do you destroy stuff?
Scar: I use alchemy, but I stop in the second process, the process of deconstruction.
Me: (STARE) …uh… can you define ‘deconstruction’? And ‘alchemy’? …And ‘process’?
Scar: Oh, great. Another genius.
Me: Oh, it won’t get any better once the peacock gets here.
Peacock: Shut up!
Me: Wow. That was completely unexpected. Now, Peacock, WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING MY INTERVIEWS?!
Scary: (comes out of vent) because they wouldn't be as funny without us.
Peacock: I like… Ed.
Me: Yeah, I know that.
Peacock: I like… Ed.
Me: If I let you read Question 2, will you shut up about Ed?
Peacock: Uhhh...yeah. Question 2! Why do you hate all state alchemists?
Scar: Because alchemists stray from the path of God.
Me: Again with the big words! THEY BURN!!
Scar: I… didn't use any big words that time.
Tiki: (Blasts through wall) GET THIS THING OFF ME!!
Me: What thing?
Tiki: (Turns around) This thing!
All: (Sees Schmieder hanging off ponytail)
Schmieder: Lemony fresh...
Me: Oh, not this again...
Schmieder: Hey, look, it's Scar! (Jumps on head) Agaaaaa...
Scary: Schmieder, off.
Schmieder: Nuh-uh!
Me: (Pulls out doggie treat) Sit.
Schmieder: (Jumps off Scar's head and pants like a dog)
Me: Shake.
Schmieder: (Gives Vengeance her foot)
Me: (Throws treat at Schmieder's head) Good enough.
Schmieder: (Eats treat off floor and then throws pie at Scar) AHA!
Scar: LEMME OUTTA THESE CHAINS!!
Me: NEVAR.
Scar: Well, it was worth a try. (Tries to destroy chains) … (Tries to destroy chains again) You weren't kidding!
Me: Do I ever kid?
All: Yes.
Me: Not about the Fantards’ Union.
Me: HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT WITHOUT TAKING MY SCRIPT, DAMMIT?!
Peacock: (To Scar) So, did he?
Scar: Isn’t it obvious?
Tiki: For her, it’s hard to tell how ICE is made. ‘Obvious’ goes WAAAY over her head.
Peacock: LYK SHUTTUP FR SRSLY.
Scar: Yes, he created a Homunculus.
Me: We know.
Scar: Then why bother asking?
Me: I enjoy your misery. It’s like crack to me. We also know what the Homunculus’s name was: Lust. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Scar: How did you...
Scary: We watch your show. Obsessively.
Scar: …What show, I shudder to ask?
Tiki: Fullmetal Alchemist, I… shudder to answer…?
Freaky: I MUST SMITE THE EVIL SQUIRREL OVERLORD!!!
Peacock: Oh, here we go.
Freaky: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!!!
Schmieder: MY LEADER IS A JELLYBEAN!!!
Freaky: Not you!! The evil squirrel!
British Squirrel: I say!
Me: You say what?
British Squirrel: No, really, I say!
Me: ARE YOU MOCKING ME?!
British Squirrel: Ehhh… No.
Me: RAAAAGE!!!!!!
Scar: Hey, if you watch the show and know everything about everyone in it, then why am I here?
Me: For us to bug you, what else?
Scar: AAAAAGH!! WHY ME?!
Freaky: …Because we've already bugged everyone else. Hey, look, we’re on TV! (A.D.D. MOMENT)
Me: (Turns on TV)
News Reporter: Please be on the lookout for these six maniacs. They are escaped convicts from the Institute of the Mentally Unsound. Here are their pictures.
TV: (Shows pictures of everyone)
Scary: How'd they get those pictures?
All: TIIIKIIII…
Tiki: What?! I thought it was for our fan club!
All but Tiki and Scar: WHAT?!
Me: A fan club for…us? TIKI, WE KILL PEOPLE.
Peacock: FREQUENTLY.
Schmieder: Yeah! Only now, they have our PICTURES.
Schmieder: ANYWAY, Question 4! Why do you have that tattoo mark thingy on your arm?
Scar: So I can do alchemy.
Me: I thought you hated all alchemists! If you're one, you’d go against your own preachings of those who stray from the path of God and crap!
Scar: Yeah, I can see why the entire nation's on red alert because of you people…
Freaky: …People and… proud of it.
Me: …Was that supposed to make sense? …Not that you ever make any sense, but now it’s time to yell at Schmieder and Company. SCHMIEDER AND OTHER INTERVIEW STALKERS! HOW DO YOU KNOW THE FREAKING QUESTIONS WITHOUT TAKING MY SCRIPT?!!?
Scary: We're special.
Scar: … (resisting urge to comment)
Tiki: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Who're we interviewing next time?
Me: Sigh...you people drive me insane...
All: You're already insane!
Me: Ok ok enough already! Next time, we're interviewing the Homin- the Himun- THE FREAKIN’ THINGS WITH THE WEIRD NAMES, OKAY?!
Tiki: YAY!! TIME TO ANNOY ENVY! AND LUST!! AND WRATH! AND ALL THE OTHER HOMUNCULESES!!!
Me: …is ‘homunculeses’ a word?
Tiki: WHY?!
Me: BECAUSE I COMMAND YOU!
Tiki: I DON'T TAKE ORDERS FROM SHORT PEOPLE!!
Me: DIEEE!!!!
Scary: Ummm...Tune in next week for the Homunculi Interview?
The Scar Interview (#14) EDIT
Yes, they DO keep getting worse.Did you like this story? Make one of your own!
