Me: (Jumps out of a giant pie) Ok, where the crap did I get the idea for a giant pie from? You’d think that after doing these damn interviews for SO FREAKIN’ LONG that I’d think of something slightly more original… Anyway, pie aside, hiya people! Today I’m here with Mustang, and for his own safety, Hawkeye is here too.
Mustang: Hey, do you think you could convince Lt. Hawkeye to wear a miniskirt?
Me: Sigh… I was hoping we wouldn’t have to resort to this so soon. Mustang, I’d like you to meet my close friend, the Anti-Perv Stick. (Smashes Anti-Perv Stick on his head) O.O OHMYJESUS You broke my anti-perv stick! (Looks at stick) SAD!
Mustang: …Sorry?
Me: Stupid… perv. Anyway, Question 1! Why are you so obsessed with making Hawkeye wear a miniskirt?
Mustang: I’M NOT OBSESSED!
Me: That was extremely convincing.
Scary: (Comes out of closet) What’s all the yelling about? Oh, he’s here. Lovely. Excuse me, I have to call my insurance agent.
Me: Hey, where’s Tiki and everybody? Usually they try to beat me to my first question.
Scary: I think Tiki and Peacock are on the run for the army.
And the navy. And the Marines. And the Air Force. Not that I would know. I don’t stalk them.
Me: What’d Tiki do?
Scary: That depends. Which time?
Me: There’s more than this time? Why am I not surprised?
Mustang: What’s a Tiki?
Tiki: WHEEEEEEE!!!! (Breaks something that she hasn’t already broken)
Me: THAT trainwreck is what is known as a Tiki.
Tiki: EGGSHELLS!!!
Me: Ok, Tiki, when are the nice men in the white coats coming to take you to the happy place?
Tiki: Five.
Me: (Sigh) Vampire, you wanna ask Question 2?
Scary: Whatever. This one’s for Hawkeye. How do you deal with Mustang ALL THE TIME? Any of us would probably beat him to death.
Hawkeye: Most of the time I just pretend he’s not talking. Or I turn my Ipod WAAAY up.
Me: (Fighting mental image of Hawkeye dancing to Scottie Doesn’t Know) That’s… interesting. ANYWAY, when’s Peacock coming?
Mustang & Hawkeye: ‘Peacock’?
Peacock: (Breaks out of giant pie) YAY!!
Me: How in Lucifer’s reach did you get in there before I did?
Peacock: Ummm...Internet?
Me: That was possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard come out of a person’ face. But I hang around you idiots so much that that’s not really saying much...
Freaky: So what does it say about you that WE’RE the only friends you have?
Me: Shut up. At least I’m not a fool like the Peacock.
Peacock: I’d like to thank the Academy again…
Me: That wasn’t a compliment.
Peacock: It wasn’t?
Me: No.
Peacock: Really?
Me: …
Peacock: Really really?
Me: No, we’re not starting that again!
Peacock: Really?
Me: IF YOU SAY REALLY ONE MORE TIME, I WILL BRAIN YOU.
Scary: Why am I the sane one? WHYYYYYYYY???
Freaky: (falls through the ceiling) Hey, I’m the sane one! You forget, you’re a vampire freak, freak.
Scary: We’re all freaks.
Freaky: Yeah, but I’m merely a cat freak. SO HAH.
Scary: How does that make you more sane than me?
Freaky: IT MEANS I DON’T HANG UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE RAFTERS TO CATCH UP ON MY SLEEP.
Everyone else: (watches argument like a tennis match)
Me: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP, BOTH OF YOU ARE FREAKS. MOVING ON.
Kidakame: What question are you on?
Me: Question 3. Why? And where’d you come from?
Kidakame: You probably don’t wanna know where I came from. Now, then, Question 3! Mustang, why do you annoy Ed so much?
Me: How’d you know the question without taking my script? …Never mind, I don’t want to know that either.
Mustang: I just like to mess with him. It’s actually a lot of fun.
Peacock: We know. We brought him in for an interview, remember?
Mustang: Nope.
Me: Talk about short-term memory loss. Then again, trauma has a way of erasing painful and unnecessary memories… That might be why I don’t remember most of the seventh grade…
Peacock: OH, NO ONE CARES. MOVING ALONG.
Tiki: EGGSHELLS!!
Me: What the… Don’t you have to be stupid somewhere else?
Tiki: Not until three.
Me: …Next question. Question 4! How do you do use alchemy to make fire? Yes, I realize this is a stupid question, but, well, I’m tired.
Mustang: My gloves are made of a special reactive cloth. When I snap my fingers, it creates a spark. Then all it takes is basic alchemy on the oxygen around the spark, and boom!
Me: Did he memorize that?
Tiki: Nah, there’s a teleprompter in the back of the room.
Me: Oh.
Peacock: Hey, where’s Schmieder?
Schmieder: Agaaaaaa….
Me: Oh, Mustang, this does not bode well for you.
Mustang: WHAT’S ON MY HEAD?!
Schmieder: I wanna read the next question.
Me: Too late. I already read the last question.
Schmieder: OH FROLLO!!!
Me: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!
Schmieder: I dunno; why do you always make me come in at the END of the bloody interview?
Me: That’s for the good of all involved, Schmieder.
Tiki: So, who’re we interviewing next time?
Me: Let me set this straight: YOU do not interview. I interview. YOU come to annoy me.
Tiki: …Was there a point in there anywhere, or can I close the interview?
Me: …We’re interviewing Scar.
Scary: How the heck are you gonna get Scar here?
Me: I’ll manage.
Kidakame: Knockout gas?
Me: PERHAPS. (Hides script from everyone else) Tune in next week for the-
Peacock: Tune in next week for the Scar interview!
Me: STOP READING MY SCRIPT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!
