Me: (Parachutes down chimney) Hiya people! I’m here today with the mound of EPIC failure that is Yuki Sohma’s older brother; the one and only Ayame Sohma.
Ayame: Greetings!
Me: …WELL, then. Question 1! What the bloody hell is with the DRESS SHOP?
Ayame: I don’t just sell dresses, I sell romance!
Me: How fabulous for you. Now answer the damn question.
Peacock: I hear an angry pipsqueak being annoyed!
Me: I AM NOT SHORT!
Ayame & Peacock: Yes you are.
Me: ONE! (Turns to Ayame) You, shut up. AND TWO! (Turns to Peacock) I’LL KILL YOU!
Peacock: Me wanna ask next question!
Me: Try speaking like a normal human being, not a redneck, and MAYBE I’ll let you, you SHORT-PERSON RACIST.
Peacock: I don’t hate short people! Ed’s short! It’s just you.
Ed Elric: (voice echoes from far away) WHO’RE YOU CALLIN’ A RUNT SO TINY YOU CAN ONLY SEE HIM WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS?!
Me: I really need to get the air conditioning fixed. And why do you keep showing up before Scary, anyway?
Peacock: Yeah, you’d like to know that, wouldn’t you?
Me: …Carry on.
Peacock: (Steals script) Question 2! Ayame, are you a boy or a girl?
Ayame: Boy! I HAVE OVERCONFIDENCE IN MYSELF!
Me: And where did that outburst come from, may I ask?
Ayame: Nowhere. Just a thought.
Me: This interview is PHAIL.
Scary: (Appears from shadows like the vampire she is) Lemme read Question 3!
Me: What are you doing here? I thought you were taking a 3000-year sleep or something equally ridiculous.
Scary: I was, until somebody called Ed short and the annoying midget woke me up.
Ed: ( voice echoes from far away) WHO’RE YOU CALLING SHORT?! I KILL YOU!
Me: He’s got a good pair of lungs on him, that kid…
Freaky: STUPID SQUIRRELS!
British Squirrel: I say!
Me: You say what?
British Squirrel: No, really, I say!
Me: You say… what?
British Squirrel: I say!
Me: OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS DECENT.
Freaky: MUST… SMITE… SQUIRRELS! (Chases British squirrel)
Peacock: It never ENDS, does it?
Tiki: (walks through front door(?)) Hey, guys, I got caught in traffic. What’d I miss?
Peacock: Nothing.
Tiki: Damn.
Peacock: I know.
Me: Sigh… Scary, just ask the question so I can go home.
Scary: (steals script and hangs from ceiling like a deranged bat) Question 3! Why do you annoy Yuki so much?
Ayame: I don’t do it on purpose, he just gets so annoyed. (fake sob)
Me: Yeah. Right. Like you don’t sneak up on him and Tohru making kissing sounds.
Ayame: ONE TIME that happened!
Schmieder: Lemme read the next question! I called shotgun in the last interview, remember?
Me: I do not recall this.
Schmieder: Well, I did! Gimme the script!
Ayame: (watches Schmieder and Vengeance argue over script)
Tiki: (sneaks up behind Ayame, pulling scissors out of pocket (no, we don’t know what idiot gave her scissors))
…
Tiki: (sticks a mirror in front of Ayame’s face) And lo, IT IS DONE!! (stows scissors in pocket)
Yuki: (walks in) Well, that’s… interesting.
Tiki: We gave Ayame a haircut!
Ayame: YOU WHAT?!
Kyo: (walks in and looks at Ayame’s head) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Me: The mohawk’s a good look. Actually it sucks, but who cares? It’s good for a laugh, at the very least.
Peacock: You’re a freak.
Ayame: MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!! (whimpersobsniffle)
Me: ‘Beautiful’ isn’t the word I’d USE, but whatever floats your boat, dude.
Ayame: BEAUTIFUL HAAAAIR~
Freaky: It’s not going away, is it?
Me: It speaks… and speaks… and never stops…
Freaky: Let’s hit ‘im.
Me: We’ve been through this. No beating the interview subjects.
Freaky: BUT-
Me: No.
Freaky: BUT-
Me: Let it go.
Freaky: AW, C’MON!
Peacock: I think you’re right. This interview IS made of PHAIL. Can we close it before it gets any stupider?
Me: Probably a good idea… All right, everyone who hasn’t stopped reading this interview going ‘What the hell was she on when she wrote this damn thing?’, tune in next week for the Ed Elric interview!
Peacock: OHMIGAWD ED’S COMING LIEK OMG AWESOMESAUCE!!1!!1!!!oneoneone
Me: Reel in the inner fangirl, Peacock, he’s not coming for another week.
Peacock: You ALWAYS have to get the last word in, don’t you?
Me: …Yes.
