Me: (jumps out of closet and beats Shigure over the head with the Anti-Perv bat) Hiya people! Today I’m here with Shigure, and I asked Hatori to come and keep him in line. Or, more accurately, keep him in line so he’s not attacked by the Anti-Pervs!Yeah, good luck, there, Hatori.
Shigure: I’m not a perv!
Hatori: Yes you are.
Shigure: Hatoriiii! I thought you were on my side!
Hatori: Doctors can’t lie.
Me: Moving on! Question 1! Shigure, what’s your favorite animal?
Shigure: DOGS!!! Oh so loyal, oh so faithful…and I’m not… DOGS!!!
Freaky: He speaks the truth people!
Me: About what? The loyalness, the faithfulness, or about him being neither? And where’d you come from?
Freaky: The part about him being a perv. Oh, and I came from the asylum down the street. You’d think you’d be used to this by now.
Me: And YOU’D think they’d fix the damn hole in the wall by now.
Shigure: Want my cell number?
Freaky: Back off, dogboy!
Me: Well, dearest sideshow freak, we could always use that dog-whistle we bought last week…
Shigure: I’ll be quiet now.
Freaky: Good. …freakin’ lecher…
Peacock: DIE, F.B.I!!! (Backs into doorway while throwing cherry bombs at S.W.A.T. team)
Shigure: Ooh, another one!
Peacock: EAT PEPPER SPRAY YOU FREAK!!!! (Attacks Shigure with pepper spray)
Me: Well, then, this is bound to end well.
Freaky: Hey! I’m a freak! And if he’s a freak, that makes something we have in common!
Peacock: Freaky’s got something in common with Shigure? The perv? AHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Freaky: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! DIE, BIRDHEAD!!! (Chases Peacock in circles with trusty metal bat)
Me: Again. Bound to end well. Question 2! Hatori, is it annoying to be the only family doctor for the Sohmas?
Hatori: Yes. But only because Akito specializes in getting sick and nobody else has enough sense to not play card games in 20-degree weather.
Me: Yeah, I guess they CAN be a tad obnoxious.
Hatori: Just a little.
Scary: (Appears out of shadows) Lemme read Question 3!
Peacock: OH GOD IT’S ANOTHER STALKER!!!
Me: No, Peacock. That’s Scary, remember? The vampire freak?
Peacock: STALKER! (runs in circles)
Scary: …Anyway. (Steals script from Freaky) Question 3! Shigure, could you survive an attack by the Anti Pervs?
Shigure: What’s that?
Scary: Oh, you sad, silly person.
>>>5 MINUTES LATER>>>
Me: I love this job!
Scary: Me too.
Freaky: Attacking pervs is fun!
Peacock: STALKEEEEERRRRRR!!!!!
All but Hatori: Keeping the world safe from pervs, we are the anti-pervs!
Tiki: (Shoots up through the floor) WHEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Me: Again with the floor! Do you insist on breaking something every time you’re here?
Tiki: Yes.
Me: Sigh…ask Question 4.
Tiki: YAY!! (Steals script from Scary)
Peacock: How come I didn’t get to read a question?
Me: Because you were running in circles screaming ‘stalker’.
Tiki: Question 4! Hatori, is it annoying to be the sanest Sohma?
Hatori: Yes. Last week, Momiji came up to me and asked how to spell ‘I’. He’s fifteen, for god’s sake!!
Tiki: How do you spell ‘A’? What rhymes with orange? How do you dial 911?
Hatori: X_X
Me: WE’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS; NOTHING RHYMES WITH ORANGE.
Peacock: What about-
Me: No real word rhymes with orange.
Shigure: (having been woken up by the idiots yelling) And I thought Kyo was the empty-headed one!
Freaky: OH, IT’S ON NOW, DOG-BOY.
Schmieder: Agaaaaa…
Freaky: …It’s on like Donkey Kong.
Me: Uh, Shigure?
Shigure: SOMETHING’S ON MY HEAD!!
All but Shigure & Hatori: Hiya Schmieder.
Shigure: WHAT IS IT?! GET IT OFF ME!!
Schmieder: AGAAAAAAAA!!!
Me: Might I suggest running into a wall?
Shigure: Why would I do that?
Me: Well…
>>ROUGHLY SEVEN SECONDS LATER>>>
Schmieder: AGAAAAAAA.
Shigure: X.X
Hatori: I need to keep him in line more. For his own good.
All: Who would care about his good?
Peacock: I wanna read the last question!
Me: We already asked the last question.
Peacock: Then I get the 1st question next time.
Me: The first question’s all mine. ALL MINE!!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALLLLLL!!!!!
Scary: Seriously, STOP watching that Billy and Mandy show.
Tiki: Who are we interviewing next time?
Me: Why do you interrupt my interviews?
Peacock: Because they wouldn’t be as funny without us.
Me: LIES AND SLANDER.
Tiki: So who are we interviewing?
Me: First, I interview people, not you. And second, Momiji and Haru.
Freaky: BUNNIES!!
Peacock: But Momiji’ll kill us all with his unstoppable and somewhat creepy hyperness!
Tiki: And Haru’ll kill us all with his unresponsive gothic-ness! Wow, I didn’t even know I knew that word!
Me: I know. It’s gonna be epic. Wait, Haru’s Goth?
Freaky: You didn’t know that?
Peacock: And they say I don’t pay attention.
Schmieder: You don’t! It took you like a month to figure out that ‘Krad’ was ‘Dark’ backwards!
Peacock: Shut up!
Me: Both of you need to quit watching DNAngel. Badly.
Shigure: (wakes up) That better not be fighting over me I hear down there!
Me: Dude, why do you keep talking?
>>>20 MINUTES OF STUPID BATTLECRIES LATER>>>
Me: Well then, I think he’s learned his lesson.
Shigure: (Is squashed beneath interview table, two army tanks, and Freaky’s metal bat)
Scary: Hey Peacock, where’d you get the tanks?
Peacock: Wouldn’t YOU like to know.
Tiki: Tune in next week for the Momiji and Haru interview!
Me: QUIT READING MY SCRIPT.
