"Right Mrs Valo..."
"That’s not my name!" I shouted at the young nurse.
"Oh right, sorry, I just assumed...." The nurse apologised.
"Well don’t!" I snapped at her again. Ville shot her a sorry look.
"Okay, Well Miss, would you like me to induce you now? Or wait?"
"Wait for what?"
"A natural birth. It will usually occur within two weeks of now."
"No I can't, I can't wait. I wont cope with him inside me for that long."
"So you want an induction?" She asked. I nodded slowly in response. Ville sat next to me in the chair beside the bed
...................................................
"It's still sad not to hear them cry..." One nurse whispered to her colleague, as she carried my baby away for wiping down.
Ville was still at my side, his head was down though, staring at the floor. Still clutching tightly to my hand. He was silent, not moving, just the odd sound of his breathing.
I pulled his hand up to my lips and I kissed his cold fingers. The smell of his skin and the tobacco made me feel like he was there, there for me. I guided his hand up to my cheek and embraced it, holding him there. Slowly he raised his head looking directly into my eyes. His usual bright green eyes sparkled and were full of life, right now they were pained and red from tears.
I hated seeing him like this, I hated that he wasn’t coping how I wanted – no - needed him to, I needed him to be strong, for me. I know it was a selfish thought I admit, but I just felt at the time it was just happening to me.
He blinked away any remaining tears from his eyes and gave me a faint smile.
"You did great sweetheart." He sighed, brushing his hair back off his face. "I'm so proud of you." He whispered to me, brushing his thumb across my cheek where I still was holding his hand.
The nurse returned with our baby wrapped in a small white blanket.
"Would you like to hold him?" The nurse asked me. I shook my head.
"I can't. I'm sorry..." I sobbed.
"Could I?" Ville piped up nervously.
"Of course." She exhaled walking towards him hand placing the child in his arms.
He was holding the baby, gazing down at the small bundle in his arms.
"He looks so perfect." He whispered behind tears. "It just isn’t fair..." he sighed wandering around the room, he made his way towards the windows and began looking out.
I sat myself up in the bed and watched Ville across the room, holding our son that was born asleep.
I could hear him talking, but could not make out what he was actually saying.
Ville's P.O.V
I held onto the small bundle I should be calling my son - Luukas. His tiny eyes closed and would never open. I studied his delicate little features, implanting them into my memory.
"I had plans for you. I was doing the whole, counting down the days until you were born thing. I wanted to be there for you, I wasn’t around for your sister at the start, but I was going to make up for that with you. I was looking forward to your first few days, bringing you home, taking on the role – including the night shift. I was waiting for you. Unlike Grace, I was going to be there to see your first smile, your first laugh, your first words, your first steps..." I had failed miserably at holding back more tears. My cheeks were stained, tears rolling down my face and dropping onto my jacket. "I wish I had been able to see those things..." I continued before gently carrying him back over to Amy who was curled up in the hospital bed. I couldn’t even begin to understand what she was going through, first losing the baby, then having to actually go through all of the pain of childbirth, with nothing to show for it, except a lifetime of more pain. I could relate to why she didn’t want to hold him right then, it may be too much for her to cope with right now. She is in emotional turmoil – numb, shocked, angry, sad, depressed or full of disbelief that it could have happened.
I stood beside her whilst still holding our stillborn baby.
"Please... I know it's hard, but you will regret it later if you don’t."
"I know... I just.... does he feel dead?" she asked me warily.
"I wouldn't know what dead felt like, he just feels like a normal, sleeping baby." I sighed, she looked back at me, her tired eyes barely even open. Nodding her head just before I passed her the small bundle.
AMY'S P.O.V
Ville passed the baby into my arms. I didn’t know what to do. I just stared down at his little face. I tried to hold back more tears, but I failed. He was so perfect like Ville had said, he would of grown up to possibly be even better looking than his father, it was a real shame. A wasted life. But why did it have to happen? What did we do to deserve this? I felt for Ville, he was so excited about this baby, he had such plans and ambitions, be there from day one, teach him to walk, talk, play instruments... the day Luukas came out and into the world was supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives, now one of the saddest... and one thing that crossed my mind that moment was, what were we supposed to tell Grace?
