Unwritten Apologies

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UNSENT APOLOGIES

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Aerith,

I’m sorry.

I. Am. Sorry. And I don’t think writing that a thousand times over on this single sheet of paper will be good enough. Writing that a thousand times over won’t be enough to get your forgiveness. And I’m not looking for it anyhow. By all rights, you should hate me… But I still feel as though I have to do this. I want to do this.

I’m sorry I never got to write back. I’m sorry you kept waiting for me. I’m sorry you still hoped, that you still believed that I’d come back. I’m so sorry. I guess I never should’ve made a promise that I can’t keep, huh? Well, at least at the time, I thought I would be able to keep it… And you believed that I’d be able to keep it, right? Yeah. You and I believed that I would be able to keep it. That’s my girl…

Aerith… I don’t know what’s going to happen, and you know for a fact that I… don’t ‘get’ scared or whatever… but… I’m afraid. The fear is there. And I know that it’s not stupid or weak to admit that now. There is still honour in admitting fear. To not feel fear… Well… I guess then, the person’s a monster, yeah? Hm…

I don’t know what’s gonna happen anymore, and everyone around me has changed so, so much. Everything’s moving so fast, and I can’t comprehend any of it. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming. I’d tell you everything, but I don’t know where to start, let alone have the time. I don’t even know how I found time to write this. And you can tell, due to my crappy, messy and almost indecipherable writing (speaking of which, are you managing to read this okay?), that this is a very speedy entry.

I can’t trust any of them… Only myself and Cloud. And even then… I don’t know if I can trust myself.

Look at me ramble, talking about all that shit. Screw that. How are you? How’s everything going on your end? Please tell me you’re okay and everything. I hate thinking that by not being by your side that… well… you’ve been captured or harassed and stuff, because I wasn’t there to help you. Are the flowers growing well? Have they matched your beauty yet? Hey, don’t look at the note like that; I’m only saying what I feel.

There’s so much I want to say to you but not enough time. There’s so much I wish I said and did with you while I was there, but with the way stuff is happening at the moment, I doubt that’s gonna happen. The fucking dogs won’t let up on us… Cloud and I, we’ve been running for days. Maybe weeks. I’ve lost track of the time.

We’re in deep trouble. That’s the only way I can put it to you, simply. And I don’t want to put you in any danger. Anything I tell you now would definitely put you in danger, and I can’t have that happen to you. So, surely you understand that whilst I really, really do want to tell you what’s going on, I can’t. It’s for your own safety.

I guess that’s another thing I’m sorry for – not telling you what’s going on, at least at the moment. I can’t. Hell, look at the back of the envelope. Do you see a return address? No? Exactly. They can’t find out where I am, either… And if Shinra even bothers looking in letters, they’ll know that this one is just to a beautiful woman, to a shining love, that I may never see or feel again… I don’t mean to sound pessimistic by the way.

I’m running out of paper and my flashlight is fading. Lovely. I can barely see the lines on the paper but whatever. I hope from here on in my sentences don’t mush together. I suppose you’re wondering how Cloud and I have been surviving? Can’t tell you that either. Gotta think of their safety too, y’know. But were managing, just barely. And I can only hope that I find a post box soon so I can mail this out (I’d hate for this to be in the dead letter section)… And I can only hope that that’s you reading it now, and that this stinking thing got there, otherwise the next couple of paragraphs would be kinda awkward.

I love you. I’m sorry (hey, there’s another thing to add to my pile of apologies, and there’s more to come) that I didn’t show you that enough. And yes, I’m being serious here. I’m being deadly serious. I’m sorry for not loving you like you should be loved. I’m sorry I’m not there right now. I’m sorry I’m not saying this to your face, and that you’re reading scribbles that are probably starting to make no sense whatsoever now. I’m sorry for my atrocious writing. I’m sorry for everything bad that I’ve done to you up to this point, and I don’t expect your forgiveness. I don’t want your absolution or your pity, so please, don’t just hand it to me…

I’m still coming for you, Aerith, whether you want to see me or not; whether you still love me or you now hate me. And when I do see you, we’re going to be together, like we should be, and I’m going to do nothing but show that I care around the fucking clock. You would’ve thought that many near-death experiences would’ve shoved that into my system by now… But funnily enough, it didn’t work as much as the freezing fear swimming through my system.

Still, I promise you that. Or… well… tch, we both know I’m not good at keeping promises. Just know that once I find you… if I find you… if I live… I’ll try my absolute hardest. And then you and I can cry our unshed tears. You and I can say the things that were left unsaid. You and I can do everything unimaginable. Together. Like it should be.

I’ll love you forever. And for forever, I’m so sorry.

Zack