Screwed

Shoot it up. Stick it in. The high you want. Finally! What I’ve been looking for. Anything just to feel this way. Just anything…

Mind’s spinning. Heart’s racing. Ounce for ounce. Cut for cut. Hey might as well. Why not? Cutting, shooting, smoking crack. Mom’s a nut job, dad’s out of whack. It’s been this way all my life.

“ This is just a phase.” Mr. psych said. Let’s rebel. Like all my favs. Let’s end this today. Just one more is all she said.

Twenty-one and all messed up. Made my parents really pissed off. My first time was enough to get me hooked. And now I feel it’s time to tell my story before I’m gone.

It’s been twenty-five days, thirteen hours, fifteen minutes, and ten seconds. Here in Sliver manor, a treatment facility for freaks like me. There’s a bunch of us here in what I like to call my own little piece of heaven. Sarah’s a… well, Sarah’s chic with food issues. Well, let’s just say she’s a little wack if you get my drift. Mike’s a bipolar prev. One minute he’s gay, and the other he’s straight. But, then there’s his twin. Jacob, he’s paranoid and insane. Together they make up the most interesting roommates ever. You see, Sliver Manor is a coed wack house.

“ Hey Reeses. Man are you coming down or what?” All of a sudden Jay appears at my door way. At once I’m dumfounded. Jay’s the only sane person here it seems. He’s a junkie too. I guess that’s one thing we have in common. Valium, Crack, Heroin, Meth, it’s all his game. I close my lap top and jump up. Not with too much interest and not with too little. Just enough to maintain my cool. We walk down the gray cold hall. Side by side. Step after step. When we get there we just stare. At nothing really. First at the people here called residents. Then at each other. I can feel his body close to mine. Our lips touch and I wake up. Third time this week. The same dream again. Sweating in my bed. Feels like a hundred degrees in here. I hear Sarah’s breath and follow it. Then comes the nurse’s shoes on the tile floor. The nightly checks. It reminds me of Girl, Interrupted. If only my life was that good. This isn’t the first or second time I’ve gone too far. This my third. I thought I was a pro until it didn’t work. So again, I’m stuck here. At least it’s better than home.

At home I was paralyzed. Stuck watching myself. Dying, until I found what saved me and now is trying to kill me. Oh well, I guess it’s that time of the day again. Searching but not finding what I want.

“ Breakfast!” Ugh! Not again. Time for what they call food. Get out of bed. Go to the bathroom and pretty myself up for no one. Get dressed, go to the café. Grab my food. Gray and slimy, my favorite. Sit and look around. Pull up my shirt, Mike seems to be in a straight mood today. Too early to be harassed. Look around for his familiar face. No where to be seen. Oh well, might as well get over it. Don’t want to get depressed. Severe craving happen when I’m down. That’s the last thing I need. My head is banging. It’s like a party in there. And the worst thing is I feel like I wasn’t invited. Get up, I can’t listen to everyone’s BS anymore. Start walking, almost at my room. Then there he is. The guy of my dreams or just another why to get high. As he walks past me and waves hello I pretend not to notice. If he could see inside me, he would see my heart excited and my stomach filled with butterflies. But he can’t so why even bother? I end up in my bed in my room. God it’s depressing in here. No color or emotion. Everyone’s off doing stuff and I’m stuck here. How pathetic am I? even in a freak show I don’t fit in. anyways all of a sudden I hear voices in the hall. They are coming nearer. They sound happy. Wait! it’s a boy voice. Not just any guys but… no it cant be. It cant be Jay! And there’s someone else! Who? Could it be? No it cant be him! Sid?! I yelled out. All of a sudden my best friend Sid appears at the door. I jump up from my bed and run to the door. I hug him as tight as I can. I breathe in his scent. The wonderful aroma of his clothes. I cant believe you’re here! How’d you find me? My heart is pumping and beating so fast I think I might have a heart attack. Well… I just went to every treatment place there was. This was my last choice. I’m so happy you’re here! Me too. Hey so I met your boyfriend here. What?! I think. He’s he’s not my… yeah umm yeah she’s my girlfriend alright, jay says. What?! I think again. He comes over to hug me and holds my hand. OMG! I can’t believe this is happening. I slowly pinch myself to make sure this isn’t a dream. Its not and ouch! I think I pinched myself to hard. So what do you think of this place Sid? Well Jay, I cant tell you that I would rather be here then homeless but it could be alright if I was here. It takes all of my energy to pull away from Jay’s side. I go over to Sid and we walk over to my bed. We sit and stare, trying to figure out what we’ve missed and how we’ve changed. Sid goes first. I’ve been clean for about a day now. We both start cracking up. Tears roll down my eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve laughed this hard. No really I’ve been clean for about three months. I took old man walkers advice and finally got off my high ass and quit cold turkey. It was horrible. I thought I was gonna die. But then I thought, hey Reeses is in there. Now, that must be hell. So I did it. And now here I am. Wow, I say in disbelieve. So what’s knew with you? Sid asks me. I don’t know, nothing much really. So what about Jay over there. We were both in our own world and forgot that Jay was still standing right where I left him. Oh umm…