Breathing Underwater. [Twenty]

And for three months I teetered on happiness. Between Aidan, my sister, my mother and Maddie, my life seemed to have taken a strange, dramatic sort of twist. Before I'd been invisible, now I couldn't get away from everything in my life. It was like being held by the arms while made to look at something that you don't want to. School went by slowly, classes seemed the same as they'd always been, but when I thought about it, the days were slipping by, faster than I ever could have imagined. My heart belonged to Aidan, but my conscious was Maddie's. And I knew that something was going to happen, I could feel it. Because I was at the point in my life where everything had happened, and nothing had ended. I was stuck, right in the middle of my own life story. There was the beginning, there was the problem, and then supposedly, there was the solution to the problem and ultimately, the end. But I hadn't found the solution, I hadn't made it to the end yet. For three whole months it was like I was facing my problems everyday, everyday with a chance to turn everything around, but forsaking that chance, just so I could continue onward in normality. It was like if I could pretend that nothing was wrong, nothing was wrong.

Those three months were silent. Silent with my mother, I felt that she had so much to say and I knew I still did too, but I refused to say anything besides "I'm home" and "pass the butter". I saw the looks in her eyes when she saw me, she wanted to ask how I was, but she was afraid I wouldn't answer. What she didn't know was that I would answer if she asked. I think that I wanted to talk to her as much as she wanted to talk to me. I hated her and loved her at the same time, and I was angry with her and myself. I wanted her to start a conversation, I wanted her to try again at a relationship with me, like the time she told me I was special. It sounds so stupid, but I wanted that back, and I wished that I hadn't taken it for granted at the same time. Speaking my mind that one night was good, and I was glad I had, but three months without her was hard for me. I'd spent so much time angry with her and now I just wanted to understand why she was so scared in the first place. It was like almost grasping onto something. You think you understand why, you almost know you understand why, but you want to hear it from their mouths. I want to say, "I get it, I just need to hear you say it." But I'm not sure if she will, and it makes me afraid.

Walking through the halls at school everyday seemed to get smaller, more constricted. Sometimes I'd be walking and I'd feel myself spinning out of control. I'd have to go down to the nurse and lay down and put ice on my head. Sometimes I'd just escape to the bathroom, so I could breathe. I knew if I told anyone about my frequent panic attacks, most definitely Aidan, he'd take me to the doctor and they'd probably diagnose me with anxiety, because I knew I had it. Then they'd put me on medication, which I didn't want to be on. If I could choose between being numb and feeling pain, I'd choose feeling pain. It would be better than feeling numb. And it didn't make it any better when I saw Delilah. We'd graduated to looking at each other when walking by, and it was strange, because sometimes I could feel her within me, and I had a feeling she could feel me too. I'd always thought we were exempt from that whole 'twin' thing, but now I wasn't so sure. There'd be times when I'd be all by myself, not doing anything and I'd just feel intense rushes of emotions. Happy, sad, angry...and I wouldn't understand or know where they came from. I eventually just thought of it as maybe they were Delilah's emotions and they were just coming to me. And so I'd try to embrace them and remember what it was like, back when we'd talked, back when we'd understood each other. But I kept my distance because I knew that was what she needed, and I knew that was what she wanted. I knew I had to wait for her to come to me. And I knew it wasn't like she was purposely making me wait. I knew in my gut that it wasn't, and I knew in my gut that she was just scared. But it was okay, because I was too.

I moved constantly between hating and loving Maddie. One minute I'd be telling her that I loved her with every fiber of my being, telling her that one day we'd run away together and live in a house with green shutters and a white picket fence, and we'd have a bunch of dogs and two children, we could name them after her grandparents, whom she looked up to very much. I'd be smiling and hugging her and kissing her and being so perfectly happy about what I was going through with her right now and then everything would switch. I'd be disgusted by her, I would pull away in fright, I wouldn't want anything to do with her. If she called me I wouldn't pick up, if she tried to send me a text message, I wouldn't answer. I'd pretend I was asleep in class if she was trying to talk, or doing something very important. If I knew she was coming down one hallway, I'd go the other way and take the long route. And I had no idea why this happened, why'd my emotions and feelings towards her would change so quickly. And I didn't want them to. I wanted to not be confused, and I wanted to know exactly what to do. I wanted to feel one way about her, and one way only. I was angry with myself a lot for continuing this with her, but I couldn't imagine myself without her, and I didn't know why. I was so attached to her, and I didn't know in what way, but it was all I could do sometimes to not cry. Cry out of love, and hate, happiness and desperation, it was hard to tell. It seemed that she was becoming a part of me, and I couldn't stop it. And I changed between wanting to embrace it and pushing it away. I'd make her smile, I'd make her cry, it was all the same to me. I'd love her one moment and hate her the next and I was confused as to why I was doing it. I had no answers, but I refused to ask her, or more importantly, to ask myself. I'd keep saying there was nothing wrong with us...with me. But I knew there was. And I couldn't put a finger on it, but it was.

And then it all came down to one person. The one person who seemed to have started it all, the one person who had taken my life and spun it all out of control. The one person who had introduced me to life as I knew it, the one person who had opened my eyes and shown me everything. The one person who guided me, the one person who was my everything, my heart, my soul, my life. And he was quiet now. He never said to me what had happened that night with his parents, he never talked about it, and I never ended up telling him about my mother, even though I visualized it a thousand times in my head, what I'd say to him about her, if I could. I ended up never saying anything, and I was pretty sure it had to do with the fact that he never talked to me about what had happened that night. I assumed that they had decided to accept him because he still lived there, he still drove his car, he still drove me, he still went to school, had his friends, did his thing. He still kissed me, he still touched me, we were still together and on the surface, it would seem that nothing had changed. But something had changed, and I could feel it the way I could feel Delilah sometimes. Everything between us became more careful. The kisses became softer and farther-away. The touches became lighter and distant. Aidan's eyes would wander in and out of conscious and I would question if he was even alive or not. I really would. Sometimes he'd lay with his eyes open and he wouldn't be breathing and I would become so scared for a few moments, but then he'd close his eyes and take a deep breath and then lean up to kiss me on the lips and whisper to me, "I love you so much. Don't forget that." That's what he would say, and I didn't understand. It felt like every moment between us was a goodbye and I didn't get why it felt like that, and why it had to feel like that. It was the one silence that I didn't understand at all. I understood my mother's, I understood Delilah's, I understood mine with Maddie but I could never get Aidan's silence. And I wanted to scream to him, ask him what was wrong, but I knew I'd never get an answer.

One day, at the end of January, everything was dead and cold, and I was getting ready to go home with Aidan, when I felt Maddie slip her hand into mine. Her hand had become so natural to me, I knew what it felt like at first touch. I turned back at her and smiled and kissed her cheek safely and she smiled to me. Her crooked teeth shone at me and her long hair was in a ponytail at the top of her head. She looked so natural today, and I didn't know what it was about her, I didn't know if I'd ever be able to put a finger on what it was about her that struck me as so different than other girls. "Would you mind if I came home with you today?" she asked, and I nodded, out of habit. My mom wouldn't care, she was hardly home anymore, and it was just her and me now, so it was all okay.

"Of course," I answered, doing my best not to sound monotone. I tried to smile, and, for some reason, felt myself break out into a real smile. It was one of the first real smile I'd smiled in days, and I didn't even know why it happened. I was happy it came though, because Maddie smiled even wider. I clutched onto her hand and we walked out of school. By now, everyone in school knew that we were together. Whether or not they were happy didn't really matter. I couldn't say that Maddie was the most desireable girl at school, and I knew a lot of girls still liked me, since Aidan had done his makeover thing, the first day of school. I seemed to have gotten exactly what I wished for, I was no longer invisible. The thing was, I wasn't sure if I had gotten what I wanted though. I'd never believed that being noticed came with such a high price tag. And even though I was so thankful to have met Aidan, I wondered if life would be any easier if he wasn't here. And secretly, I knew that it would be so much easier if I'd just never met him. But I was so happy with him. I loved him so much. And everything was building up, like a rising melody, and I could feel all the tension come together. So we walked through the parking lot and when I saw Aidan, I waved to him. He waved back in a fake cheerful manner, and I subconsciously picked up the pace, so we could reach him faster. "Maddie's coming over to my house, okay?" I asked when we were in hearing distance and when we got to the car, I smiled at Aidan in a sort of secret way, when I didn't think that Maddie was looking. Aidan smiled back.

"Yeah, sure. Hey, maybe I'll come over too," Aidan answered and I nodded and got in the car and put on my seatbelt. I'd never really understand how Aidan felt about Maddie, he'd really never, ever told me before. I couldn't even say if he actually liked her or not. It was weird, with most people, I could instantly get how Aidan felt about them. Not even by his words, but by the way he acted, his mannerisms, how he held himself in their presence. But with Maddie, it was different. It was like he was totally apathetic with her. Or maybe not apathetic, but it felt like he thought of her as sort of an enigma. And really, that's how she was to me as well. I knew so much about her but never could figure out her in general. Never could figure out if she was good, or if she was bad. If she helped or hurt me. Instead of answering Aidan, I just looked out the window of his big car. I'd been in this car so many times, it was like a security blanket to me, almost. So much had happened in this car. The times when Aidan and I first knew each other and we got lost, and that one day when we'd almost kissed. I'd been so confused then, and wishing I were normal. If only I'd just embraced the fact that that was the happiest part of this whole relationship.

It was sad. Because that had been the happiest part of our relationship, and it hadn't even been that happy. And I wondered why I was with Aidan, if I wasn't happy with him. But it was because...well...when we were together and it was just him and me, I was happy. The moments with him were the moments I was looking for, the moments were everything just worked in my life, the moments where I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. The moments with him were the moments that everything just seemed to happen for me, and the moments with him were the best moments of my life. Happy, sad, whatever, I couldn't and I wouldn't give them up. And it hurt, no, no, it killed me to watch Aidan detiriorate, and I knew he was. I saw it. Those imminent goodbyes...the soft touches, the slight kisses. I felt like he was writing me a suicide note to a suicide that wasn't happening. It was like the goodbye love letter of someone who was still there. It was like I was holding out my hand to him and he wasn't taking it. I didn't understand why he wasn't taking it, but I felt it within me that it didn't have anything to do with me. He would have told me, and I knew he would have.

"You know...I've never met your parents," Maddie said to Aidan as we drove. Aidan looked in the rear-view mirror and smiled to her.

"Be glad. I can't say they're my favorite people." I felt like this was supposed to be telling me something, so I looked over at Aidan. But instead of getting a meaningful glance, I got only a fake smile and hidden eyes. He wouldn't tell me or show me what was going on with him, even though I knew something was wrong. So I just smiled back and looked, once again, out the window.

"They're nice," I said absently and flipped down my visor to look at the mirror in it. I reflected Maddie back to me, so I could smile at her without having to turn around. She smiled back and I saw the blush. I saw that she still felt naive about all this. I saw that she still believed in fairytales. I saw that she still never wanted to grow up, and I wondered if I could ever get that back. But I doubted it. I already felt too old, like I knew too much, and that I was ruining her about everything. I didn't want to.

"Oh." That was all Maddie answered, before we got to my house. It really pissed me off, for some reason, that she couldn't say anything besides "Oh", but then I wondered what else would she have said. I didn't even know. I closed the visor as Aidan parked in my driveway. Maddie got out first and I felt myself relax and sink into the passenger seat and sigh loudly. I opened the door to the car and looked at Aidan. He looked back at me and for a second, I thought I saw tears in his eyes. He blinked, and they were gone, and I turned away from him and got out of the car, feeling just a little sorry for myself, him and Maddie. It was like what Maddie said, there was an elephant in the room, and we all refused to talk about its existence. Of course, I didn't even know what Maddie was thinking about, I couldn't tell. I felt with her and detached from her and it was the strangest feeling I'd ever had. Trying to empathize with someone but not even having the skills to do so. All I had left for her were words, and even those were wearing thin. So I trudged behind her into my house. My mother's car wasn't even there. I wasn't surprised. I wasn't upset.

"You guys hungry?" I asked them casually and Maddie shrugged, kicking off her shoes and putting down her green tote bag. Aidan pushed his backpack off his shoulders and also took off his shoes and smiled at me.

"That would be fantastic," he answered and followed me into the kitchen. I opened up the refrigerator and took out a Coca Cola and tossed it to him, taking one for myself. I then opened the pantry up and took out some microwave popcorn. I heard footsteps on the stairs and knew Maddie was going upstairs. I watched the microwave and sighed. Then came Aidan's arms, snaking around my waist. I turned into him. He smiled a real smile that nearly broke my heart, I was so happy to see it. "I love you so much," he told me and I inhaled deeply.

"Why does that feel like a goodbye?" I asked in a whisper, but withought a response, Aidan kissed me hard on the lips. And for the first time, I didn't want to kiss him back. I pulled away from him, and I saw the confusion and the hurt in his eyes. I didn't say anything though, and just watched him quietly. The microwave popped the corn in the background and I listened to its sounds while I watched him in front of me. I felt farther away from him than I ever had in my entire life, and I hadn't even known him for that long. He was so close to me, but he wouldn't talk. "Aidan, please," I almost begged and Aidan just hugged onto me closely.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..." he started to sing and I felt tears come to my eyes, and I didn't even know why. "You make me happy...when skies are gray," he continued, his voice getting raspy.

"Aidan, please-" I repeated, this time, I knew my tone was more desperate.

"You'll never know, dear," sang Aidan. "How much I love you..." He was silent for a few moments after that and I grabbed onto his back and held onto his shirt and stuck my head in his neck, crying very hard. "So please don't take...my sunshine..." he sang and then turned his head into my ear. "Away." His head moved to kiss my jaw softly and then he released me. I watched his eyes as he pulled back, and I realized that they looked distant. I tried not to let go, but he pulled my hands off of him and walked out of my kitchen. I heard his feet on my stairs, and I knew he was going upstairs to join Maddie, in my room. I listened to the microwave, and cried. I didn't know why Aidan was doing this, why he was doing this to me, but I knew that this was all some big metaphor for something I wasn't understanding just yet. I felt myself fall against the cabinet and slide down to the floor, where I sat, wondering and feeling sad. Wondering why he was doing this, wondering what it meant, wondering how he could do this to me, wondering what was wrong with him, wondering who he was. I knew so much about him but now I felt like I knew nothing. He was pulling away from me, and I knew I was trying to hold on, and I knew I shouldn't, but I had to keep trying to make him stay. I calmed my breathing and wiped the tears away from my eyes as the microwave beeped, signifying that the popcorn was done. I struggled to get up on my feet alone, feeling small and weak by myself and wishing that Aidan were here to help me through this. But it was Aidan who was causing it, so it didn't even matter. I took in a deep breath, got the popcorn, the coke, and trudged out of my kitchen.

My house was too big for just me and my mom, and at that moment, I missed my father. I missed my father like crazy and I knew why. It was because no matter what he did, no matter what shit he put me through, he'd always just been there. Like a rock. Whether I wanted him to be around or not, he was. And in some ways, it seemed to kill my loneliness. My old house was just like this one, only older, and creakier, which made it even worse, because I didn't know this house the way I knew the other one. And if my dad had been here, he could have just been another body to fill the space, to fill the void, to fill the gap. It was empty withouth his loud voice, his stupid antics, his annoying laugh. I didn't like him, and I couldn't forgive him, but I guess that didn't mean I couldn't miss him. I still missed what I thought we were, I still missed my idea of what we could have been. I missed trying to be good enough for him, and wondered if I should have done more. I knew I wouldn't have, even if I had wanted to, but I wondered if it was bad if I hadn't. I know it's bad to wonder if I should have changed, I know I shouldn't wonder if I should have been someone else besides who I was, but I couldn't help it. Maybe if I'd tried just a little bit harder, he'd be here right now and I wouldn't even have to worry about Aidan, or anything. I closed my eyes and walked, trying to move on. But I couldn't help but miss what I thought he was. I couldn't help but miss what I'd wished in my heart of hearts what he would have been. The kind of dad who could have just looked at me, smiled at me and called me Champ. All the time.

I made my way up the stairs and held onto the railing as I walked. As I got closer to my room, I heard crying. And I knew it was Maddie's. It made me feel queasy, and scared. I crept quietly to my room. I knew I should have just burst into my room, asked what was wrong and held onto her, like a good boyfriend. But I was scared of trying to be there for her, so I just walked quietly to the doorway. In my room I saw Maddie and Aidan, sitting on my bed. Maddie was leaning into Aidan, and Aidan had his arm around her. She was sobbing into his shoulder, the way I had been, only a few moments ago. I watched this scene silently, and I couldn't decipher if I was even upset that my girlfriend was sobbing into my boyfriend's arms. "Aidan..." I heard her say miserably. I watched her and felt my free hand come to the wall. "Can you just...answer me one question?" she asked him.

"Yes, of course," replied Aidan, in the kind of voice he might use when speaking to someone he didn't particularly like. But it wasn't like he didn't like her, because he was letting her cry into him. Their relationship was one I couldn't understand, couldn't figure out, and it was the kind of thing that I wanted to know more than anything. I watched Maddie and Aidan, not daring to make another sound. I wanted to know what she wanted to know. In my entire life, I'd never been so confused or lost by any one thing than I was by this. Why was she doing this to him? Why was he doing this to her? I had so many questions, and no answers.

"Do you think he could ever love me the way he loves you?" she asked and I leaned against the wall, watching them. Aidan looked up at my ceiling and sighed, and didn't answer. I held onto the wall, not knowing what to do. I didn't even know she knew, and I should have been scared, and freaking out right now, but I wasn't. I was just sad that after all this, this was the question she was asking. She wasn't asking why Aidan was fucking her boyfriend, or if I was gay, or anything. There was no anger in her voice, either. All she wanted to know was that if I could ever love her the way I loved Aidan. Aidan didn't answer because I knew that the answer was no. He knew the answer was no. And I suspect Maddie knew that, as well. I bit my lip, feeling like an all around bad human being. And then Aidan turned his head to look at me.

His eyes were the goodbye I'd been waiting for. If they looked distant before, they were completely blank now. Tears were running down his face, but his eyes were gone. There was no Aidan left, just a shell of what had been. And I knew that I was standing on the edge of the deepest part of my life. All I had to do now was dive in.