Secrets of the Moon [Marauders Fic] Chapter 63. [Ang]

"And- and he said yeah, and I said yeah- and then we hugged- an- and that was it. That was it, Lily. Why didn't he stop me, Lily? Why didn't he tell me that I was being silly in a really big word?"

"Maybe he thought he was acting for the best-"

"Acting for the best? Oh. Right. Yeah. Course, I didn't think of that, with the low intelligence that I currently possess in this state-"

"Maybe you need to go back to bed, Ang- sleep on it- get used to the idea-"

"I've already slept on it, Lily- and I still... still..."

"There, there- c'mon, Ang, into bed- you're not really a morning person, this probably isn't the best time to be discussing it-"

"Lily! You're supposed to be comforting me! You're supposed to say 'it'll be all right, Ang, you and Remus will get back together soon enough' and then say 'and, tell you what, I'll do all your revision homework for you, too' to seal the deal!"

Lily rolled her eyes at me and gave a pained expression. "I like to pride myself on not being a push over, Ang," she said. I pulled a face at her, brushing away stray tears, giving a loud sigh.

"Lily... he said he loved me... if he really did, then why-"

"I've told you," Lily said, standing up, "Remus has his reasons. Look- if you're not going to sleep, why not go outside for a bit? Paint or draw or something. Calm down. Get some fresh air."

I let out another loud sigh, dropping my head into my hands. "Why me, Lily?"

"Because you chose Remus," she said bluntly, and I heard her close the door and head down the stairs.

Pitifully, I had been crying alot. I'm not usually a crying person, but the time called. It was just- I was used to having Remus around. I felt secure with Remus around. And then he wasn't, just like that. I wasn't sure I had made the right disicion. Katie's advice was 'get a new bloke and show him what he's missing' and that men were jerks anyway. Marlene had smiled sympathetically, patted me on the back, and told me that she would go talk to Sirius about it, see what he could do. And Lily's brilliant advice was to go to sleep. I obeyed and instantly began dwelling on it all in my thoughts, replying how it went, over and over again trying out different endings, different wordings, different results... And then I woke to find Truffles sitting on my face, then found myself starting to dwell on it all in my waking hours, too.

I slowly brought my head up from my hands, staring into the dark dorm. Remus had been everything. And I had cut him loose.

Well done, Ang. Well done.

I stood slowly, tramping over to the bathroom. I would get clean, then go downstairs, completely ignore Remus, act as if it was all his fault, and go out painting. Good idea.

I almost screamed at the sight of my face in the mirror. Thankfully, I just let out a little squeak.

It would take more than a shower to correct my image. My skin was all grey and pale, my hair hanging limply around my face. Eyes were severally bloodshot, and the blue seemed more greyer than ever.

Yes, I looked like the picture of perfect health.

And, of course, I was starting to have several break outs from all the stress. Which was just perfect.

I undressed, slipped into a boiling hot shower, steam billowing out from under the curtain. It was completely killing my skin, making it go all red, but I didn't really care. I lathered up soap, and started scrubbing furiously, at my hair and skin, as if I could wash away something other than dirt and grime. I frequently let out long sighs, and immediately after telling myself off for being so pathetic.

When I stepped out and looked in the mirror once again, I faintly resembled something once human. It was a start.

I brushed my hair a few hundred more times than usual, brushed my teeth until my gums bled. Scrubbed at my nonexistent nails, dressed in clothes that didn't consist of tatty jeans and worn out old tee shirts. I even put on a bit of eyeshadow, which made me look completely awake.

Fed Truffles, earnt a scratch down the leg for taking too long, grabbed my art box and a new canvas, and set off down the stairs, as if I didn't feel like a herd of elephants had trampled over me a dozen or so times.

I spotted Lily over in the corner with James and Sirius and Marlene, and they waved me over. I put on a 'yes, I'm fine' face, and went over.

"You okay?" Lily asked me. I nodded, smiling. "Yeah, peachy. Couldn't be better. Never been better, in fact. I'm... just going to go out and paint. I'll see you later, yeah?"

Lily nodded, looking slightly worried still. I waved, and went.

That was when I spotted Remus, sitting in the corner by the window, with Katie by his side, talking earnestly. He wasn't listening, I could tell. He was in his own world.

And in any case, he didn't see me.

I walked out of the Common Room, feeling slightly wounded. But I went straight outside, mark my words, and picked out a nice, normal looking tree. I would transform it into something else as I went along. Nothing that would remind me of-

I caught a flash of Remus from one of the upper windows. My eyes widened, but he was gone. It was just my imagination. Yes, that was all. My imagination running away with the moment...

Yes, I truely was pathetic.

I started to set up my easel, putting paint tubes here and there, a cup of water, paintbrushes, such. Thinking NOT about a certain Lupin. No, my thoughts were as faaar away from him as possible. Yes sir. Wouldn't catch me thinking about him. Nope. Not even if you were a supreme, overlord of mindreading. Nope.

Oh, Merlin... what if he's watching me right now?

I spun around quickly, staring up at the windows. No. No sign of him. No- wait- no. That wasn't him. But I quickly brushed off my butt, just in case.

So, I painted. For about half an hour. Peacefully painting a normal, curly purple tree in front of a green and red swirly sky. And I was calm. I was breathing. I only spun around quickly to stare up at the windows every other minute.

And that was when my easel started collapsing.

"Stupid- easel- ugh-"

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not as if I don't have any muscles or anything. But that easel is extremely heavy when it's been put up, gum and all. And when it falls down, you actually have to collapse it into the minuture version, then put it up again. And that takes about ten minutes.

And it didn't help that it collapsed twice, right after I had fixed it the first time. And yes, I was getting frustrated. Extremely frustrated. Swearing in three languages-stomping-up-and-down-and-tearing-out-hair-and-breaking-a-paintbrush-in-two-and-throwing-it-as-far-as-I-could kind of angry.

The third time it collapsed, I tripped over it.

And that hurt, because it flipped up and nicked me on the back.

And then I looked up, and saw Remus staring at me.

"Oh, no, bugger- bugger- no- crap-"

But he was gone. And I swore, swore, he was looking at me that time, it wasn't just me halluncinating, it wasn't just hopeful thinking. And he saw me at the lowest of my low.

I started crying again.

But there was noone around to see me, thank Merlin. Except the lovely birds and possibly Remus-

"'Scuse me, Miss- is this yours?"

I looked up to see... an angel. No, really- he was tall, slim, whiteblond hair that seemed too unearthly for any mortal to possess, green eyes that glittered.

And I had come to the shocking conclusion that... I was dead. The easel must've crushed me. I must be in heaven.

Well done, Ang, now you can't ever get Remus back. Well done.

He was holding out one half of my broken paintbrush that I had flung over the grounds in my fit. "It hit me on the head," he said, smiling a lush, weak smile as he spoke softly.

"Are you here to guide me to my next life?" I asked in a hushed voice. He frowned. "Pardon?"

I brushed stray tears away, and opened my mouth to speak, but he silenced me by holding out a hankerchief. Seriously. I stared at it.

"What am I supposed to do with that?" I asked, blinking, "Is this a kind of test? Am I supposed to prove my goodness?"

He laughed silkly. "It's to wipe your eyes," he said simply, smiling down at me. I blinked again. "Oh."

I took it, quickly wiped, and held onto it awkwardly. And here came the hard part.

What are you supposed to do with a used hanky? Give it back to him?

Thankfully, the angel soothed my woes and took it back off me, and put it in his pocket. And that finalized the situation. He had to be an angel. No normal boy carried around a hanky.

"What are you doing on the ground, then?" he asked, smiling still. He held out a hand. And, again, I stared at it. He raised a questioning eyebrow. I took it. He pulled me up.

And his hand was like silk, warm, gentle silk. I didn't let it go.

And, yes, I kept staring.

"I am Paul McCallen," he said softly, shaking my hand slowly. "Angellei Andrews," I said in turn, still in awe.

"Angellei..." he said quietly, as if testing my name out, "That is a nice name. Nice to meet you, Angellei."

I nodded, gulping. "Uh- um- yeah. So- when are we going to heaven?"

"To heaven? How can you go to heaven, when I have just met you? I would not have time to get to know you better, Angellei."

Ok. Just confuse me even more. I don't mind.

"And we have so much time left to spend on the living plane," he finished. I blinked, once more. "Wait, wait- so you're not an- oh. Oh. Right. Heh."

Yeah, and just make me feel even more stupid than I already do.

"And I would like my hand back, please," Paul added, still smiling pleasently. My eyes widened as far as they could go. I quickly dropped his hand.

All right, Ang, just pack up your stuff and head for the hills- and keep your mouth closed- you don't want to make yourself sound even more stupid-

"I'm- just- going to go- uh- Common Room. I'm....sensitive to light."

You didn't just say that...

I knelt down, a curtain of dull hair hiding my intense blush. I started to pack up, calmly, accurately, putting everything neatly into the box as it was supposed to go. I could almost sense him grinning. No- grinning wasn't his thing. That was more of a Remu-

I swung around quickly to look up at the window. No. No one there.

"Sensitive to light?" he asked me, and I remembered my sole duty to be quiet and try and get out of there as quickly as possible. Right.

I murmered an affirmative, not looking at him. I didn't see him pick up my painting. "This is very good," he said softly, "Who is your tutor?" He knealt down beside me, watching me pack up frantically, hands shaking. "Um- I- uh- t- taught- taught my- myself," I said, stuttering when he caught the curtain of hair and swept it behind my ear, his hands lingering.

Ack, ack, ack- Merlin-

I stood up, shaking still. Why? Because, as strange as it seems, I was still utterly and completely loyal to Remus, whether I wanted to admit it or not. And I was completely not used to another guy hitting on me. Unless it was Gordy.

"May I walk you to your Common Room?" he asked quietly, looking me in the eye. I froze. Remus would be there. Remus would see me with a strange new bloke, not a day after we had broken up. He would think I was a complete slut.

"Uh- you can walk me to the library," I compromised, grabbing the handle of my box, taking the painting off him. His smile grew slightly, just slightly, and he nodded.

And then, of course, I remembered what a bad idea the library was for walking to, because of the fact that that was Remus' favourite place in the world and the fact that Madam Pince had something against me, the old bird.

But I couldn't do anything about it. Paul was already leading the way.

We walked in silence for a moment. I was racking my head for small talk topics. There was the weather, but that would make me sound awful and granny-like, there was art, but he might not know anything about art, there was maths, but I didn't know anything about maths...

"So- uhm- what house are you in, then?" I asked lightly as we walked. His hand brushed against mine. I felt myself slowly, but surely, melting.

Katie was right. I should get over Remus. I should flirt a bit. It couldn't hurt.

He seemed to consider me for a moment, before answering. He just looked at me, as if he could see right through me with that green eyed gaze. But he smiled once more, and replied softly, "Slytherin."

I could feel my jaw drop. "Slytherin? But- you- I mean, er, cool. Yeah."

"What house are you?"

"Gryffindor."

His smile grew slightly. "Ah... rivals," was all he said. But that was it, until we got to the library. It was odd walking with Paul- he made it seem like the quiet was nice. It didn't seem that awkward, unless you counted my frantic thoughts skidding through my head-

Ask him out!

Are you bloody bonkers? Can't ask a bloke out!

Well, flirt then!

Me? Flirt? Pah.

Merlin, I bet I've got grass on the back of my skirt-

Wonder whether Truffles has forgiven me-

Wonder if Gory will leave me alone now-

But Paul actually seemed nice for a Slytherin. Really. He was more like... a Ravenclaw. Yeah.

When we got to the library, he stopped, taking my hand. "It was nice meeting you, Angellei Andrews," he said, smiling, "I think I will be seeing a lot more of you soon."

What? What did that mean?

"Oh- uhm- yeah. Yeah, definantly," I said nodding, smiling. He leaned forward, brushing my cheek with his lips, just a brush, and he was off. I was left staring at him. He was like a God.

"Hey, Ang," came a casual voice behind me. I spun around to see, of all people, Remus Lupin, hands in pockets, hair ruffled. He had been running a hand through his hair. He was worried.

Oh Merlin... he saw...

"Um- hey, Remus," I said, bringing myself to smile, "Look- can't talk- have to go- and- uh- study."

He nodded. "Yeah, sure. I'll- see you, yeah?"

His voice had hitched. Oh Merlin, did he miss me?

"Yeah. See you around," I nodded, and turned around. A two second conversation. That was all it took to reduce me to a mess.