The demons within, we all have them and we all need to fight them at one time or another. Sometimes we win and other times we end up losing. When you are a teen, these demons are monsters and no one sees them but us. Teens have more demons than adults. Adults fought their demons a long time ago. That's why adults are so serene and do not get so fluster. Us teens, our demons control us like a puppet and we can only break free when we win. Most of the time, we win and get our freedom, but there comes time, when we lose to them and they control us.
My demons are no different. Hate is what fuels my demons, the fiery hate I feel for many things, but I didn't feel hate for one person. In fact, I felt the total opposite, my mother. I loved my mother. My father left us when I was two years old, so I barely remember him. I remember my mother. Her smile made me feel all warm, all fuzzy inside. I smiled at here even when she just cringe a smile. Her perfume smelled so good and I always knew when she was close because I could smell it. They say one of the strong attractions in the world is between magnets. Whoever said this, never met me or my mother.
My mother was a high school teacher. She taught French and was real good at it too. I didn't take French, I took Spanish. During lunch, I went to her classroom to see some of her classes. I learned how to say some short phrases like Bonjour, but one phrase stuck with me: Sang de la mère. It means Blood of Mother. When I think of it, that technically means me. I'm part of Mother's blood. That was the only complete phrase I knew.
We continued to be happy mother and daughter who lived together and baked cookies, the end. It didn't end like that, because the demons came back to play. I tried to like boys. I went on dates and I went out with them. I even tried to have intercourse with one of them. I didn't like them. I then decided I was a lesbian, so I tried to date girls. I felt just as uncomfortable as I did with boys. I thought that I was not sexually active. I was too attached to my mother to love anyone else.
I didn't exactly love my mother in that way, I was too emotionally attached to her to separate. Even though she was the sweetest person in the world, she held me back. It was like a loving owner holding his dog on a leash. Some dogs fight, like normal teens. Other dogs stay, like me. My demons were super gluing me to my mother.
One day, the demons decided it was time to let go. His name was Mr. C…his full name does not matter. He was a history teacher at our school. He was young and cute, and I knew he had a thing for me. I knew if I wanted someone available...I needed him. I will never know why I chose a 25 year old man for my first time. Perhaps, it was to show I did not need anyone, not even my mother.
When I arrived home, my school uniform was tattered. One of my socks was rolled down and the hair was messy. I smelled of aftershave and semen. I couldn't wait to get home to take a shower. I knew Mother was still at school...helping kids with their pronunciation...or at least I thought.
Mother was on the couch with an ice bag to her head. Apparently, the rolling chair rolled too far and crashed into the wall. Luckily the ice bag covered her eyes so she couldn't see what a mess I was. But then she smelled it; the cheap aftershave and the reek of semen. She took the ice bag off and looked at me. Her grey eyes widened as she got up from the couch. She was wearing her favorite dress. It was wine colored and it complemented her skin tone ever so. She walked towards me and made a face. She then asked, "Who was it?" I couldn't look at her say that I had intercourse with 27 year old man, while I was only 16. The demons wanted a chance to talk.
I told my mother that I had to...that I needed to break free. She loved me so much and I felt that I could only return the favor and love her as much. I couldn't tell her that it felt she kept me on a lease, because she never did that. My mother then changed...her demons came back too. She grabbed me by my hair and dragged me to the kitchen. She dunked my head in the kitchen sink. I couldn't breath. I pushed her away and yelled at her. My screams echoed through the house. She screamed back and me and then pushed me.
She called me a whore, a slut, a prostituée which means prostitute in French. She spit at me and then she cried. She went to a corner and cried. I lied on the floor. I didn't love my mother...I hated her. She then threw a wine glass at me from the cupboard. It missed me, but the glass jumped and hit my face. My mother shrieked and pulled her hair out. She cursed and cursed. I had never heard her curse until tonight. She came up to my face and kicked me. I knew she was losing it, but I was too.
I was abused, by the only woman I loved. She destroyed me on the inside...she murdered me. I could only be a lady and return the favor. My mother was sobbing in a corner, so she couldn't see me. I took the largest knife from the kitchen and walked up to her. She turned around just fast enough to see my stick the knife in her head. The knife went in through her head and I saw the silver blade in the roof of her mouth. I tried to pull it out, but it was hard to budge. When I pulled it out, blood spilled all over. The demon told me to continue and not to stop. "She wouldn't let you go...." I knew what I had to do.
The knife kept jabbing in and out and with every swift movement, more of the crimson liquid came pouring out. I stabbed her abdomen and pulled it out so quickly I saw her bowels. I then continued to plummet inside. The demon wouldn't stop, it told me to, and I had to obey it, listen to it. The blood splattered with red...my once white uniform was covered in my mother's blood. Blood was all over the kitchen floor...it kept spreading like a flood. The face was disfigured and her body was only the bloody remains of my mother. Her lower intestine fell out and I felt sick. The demons had won.
I held the now warm and wet blade against my leg. I then closed my eyes and let warm tears roll down like a train. Sang de la mère was all over on me. I was not my mother's blood...I only helped it flow.
