Breathing Underwater. [Sixteen]

My turbulent mind threw me out with a headache and a stomach that told me if I moved, it'd heave. I woke up somewhere else than I had fallen asleep, and recognized my surroundings after a few moments of coming-to. I was in Aidan's basement, on his big leather couch, with a blanket thrown over me. Next to me sat a bucket, and I knew I'd be needing it before I went anywhere. I lay on his couch, hungover, my dream still fresh in my mind. Half of me was disgusted by it's lewdness, the other half fascinated by how my mind worked. I'd never had a dream that intense, I'd never felt so strange and blissful when touched before. Everything is so stretched in dreams, I feel as if all my feelings are overwhelming.

On the DVD player in Aidan's basement, the time flickered on and off, like a heartbeat. It told me that it was 2:47 pm. I had been asleep all night and all day, and I still felt sick. I tried to remember why I had gotten so drunk. Feelings of intense sadness rushed over me, but it was like a wave, they moved over me but then retreated. I couldn't help but feel numb, sick too, but mostly numb. I was slowly thinking about what had happened yesterday. I broke up with Maddie, Delilah left the house and my mom decided that her boyfriend was more important than her son. All in all things felt pretty shitty right now, and I wondered if they would get better soon. I wanted to make things better, honestly I did. I know that in my entirety, I'm a pretty pathetic person, I mean, I've thought about death more than an average human being should, but I really don't like to be sad. I really don't. I miss the time when Aidan and I would just kiss in his car, and get ourselves lost. I miss the time when I first kissed Aidan. I miss that feeling of innocence. At the time, I felt like it wasn't two people just figuring out they had crushes on each other, but now, I think it was. I tried to make everything deep back then, but now I feel like I know too much. I feel too mature for my age, and I just want to be a normal fifteen year old boy. But I know I can never go back to who I used to be.

I heard soft footsteps on the stairs and I didn't even attempt to move, because I knew I'd just throw up. I saw his torso first and then the rest of his body as Aidan sat down in front of the couch and looked at me. I blinked back at him. He sighed and touched my hair, but didn't try to do anything else. He didn't even kiss me, and I wasn't sure if that made me upset, but it definitely didn't make me very happy. "Devon..." he started and I said nothing back. Aidan sighed and leaned back, onto the wooden coffee table that sat behind him. He put his hands through his hair and set his elbows on the table. "I talked to Delilah," he told me and that's when I perked up. He saw me perk and smiled at me faintly. "She was shocked. Very shocked. She's mad that you didn't tell her, she's pissed that I didn't tell her," he went on and exhaled a very deep breath. "But mostly, she said, she was sad at herself. She told me about what your father did to you, she told me about all the names, the abuse. She's sad because she wishes that she had been strong enough to be there for you, but she was so scared of him. She's ashamed of herself. She doesn't want to talk to you for awhile, and she's not coming home for at least a week or so, but she's not angry at you for being who you are...for loving who you do...me."

I felt like there had been someone squeezing at my heart, and suddenly, they had let go. As if there had been a thousand rocks in my brain, and they had all vanished. I felt physically lighter, and I wasn't even sure if I was still on the ground. My hand went out to Aidan's and he touched my fingertips and I smiled. "Thank you," I whispered. Aidan grabbed onto my fingers and brought them to his lips, to kiss them softly. I felt a flutter in my stomach and looked at the boy I loved with all my heart.

"That doesn't mean I'm letting you off the hook though...for almost drinking yourself to death," he said to me, sternly this time. I shut my eyes and thought back to last night.

"I think I just wanted to make it all go away," I said and Aidan smiled a shaky smile.

"That's what I thought, too," he said to me and then laughed softly. "It does, for a little while. But then it all comes back. And you feel sick along with it," he told me and I smiled a little bit and breathed heavily.

"Maddie called me last night, saying she was going to a party. And then my mom called me to tell me she wasn't coming home...and I heard a man's voice in the background," I told Aidan, my eyes turning toward the ground.

"You could have come over here," he replied, put a hand to my head and petting my hair. I looked at him, with his dark eyes, his dark hair and his strong face. I saw the faint outline of stubble across his chin and upper lip, signifying that he hadn't shaved in a couple days. I wondered how one guy could be such a vision of manliness and another the complete opposite. I have no stubble to shave, just tiny blonde hair across my lip. I have a round face and bright eyes. I feel like I am innocence and he is experience, but I am not innocent any longer. Not at all. I smiled a little ironically.

"It wasn't that simple," I answered. Aidan looked dissapointed, but tried to hide it. "If I came to you, I would have collapsed on you, I would have broken down. I don't want you to see me that way. I know you say you'd love me no matter what I was like, but I couldn't have you see me like that. I was on the brink of losing it completely. I had to keep myself together, and that meant making everything dissapear. I had to escape reality, at least for a little bit. I know it may be wrong, and I know it was stupid, but I couldn't face reality. I just couldn't do it, Aidan, and I'm sorry if it hurt you, but I couldn't do it." I felt badly for hurting him, if indeed I had, but I couldn't have faced everything sober last night. And if I had gone to Aidan's, who knows what I could have done. I would have freaked out at him again, maybe punched him again, I could have said something I truly regretted. And I couldn't have risked that. I needed to sort myself out, and in it's weird way, passing out had done so. It had let me escape into my wonderful dreamworld where Aidan was giving me head and I loved that. Of course, now, seeing him here and thinking of my dream made me embarassed and I could feel my face get hot.

"No, it's all right. I understand," he told me, and I knew he wasn't lying to just make me feel better. I had a feeling that that 'I understand' had some story to go along with it, but he wasn't offering up his past to me on his own, and I couldn't bring myself to ask him anything. I could feel my heart beating strongly within my chest and I felt like I knew that I was totally and honestly alive and I, selfishly, didn't want to risk feeling dead again. I smiled at Aidan.

"I had a very strange dream." He laughed at me at that and crossed his legs as he sat down with me.

"Please explain, my good sir," he said and I smiled, feeling his fingers lace themselves with my own. I was embarassed, but I kind of wanted him to know that he was never too far from me, he was in my head, even when I least expected him to be.

"I was with Delilah, Kendra and Maddie. And we were going through this laboratory. And then we were in this really brightly colored place. I mean, it was night, and it was dark, but the blue was like a bright dark blue. And the green was a bright dark green. Everything there was bright, but darkly colored. I saw you, and I broke away from Maddie and I...ran up to you and, uh, you," I stuttered there, finding the words to explain what he had been doing kind of embarassing and silly.

"And I uh what?" asked Aidan and I buried my head into the pillow I was laying on.

"You gave me a blowjob," I said muffled, but I assumed Aidan heard it because he laughed. I felt his hands on my chin, pulling my face towards him. He was smiling warmly at me, and leaned toward me to nuzzle my nose with his. "Aidan, stop, this is embarassing," I told him and he kissed me all over my face. I still felt queasy, so I didn't move very much, but I smiled to him.

"Did you like it?" he asked and I reached out towards him and looped my arms underneath his and around his back, pulling him close to me. He looked quietly at me, still faintly smiling, and faintly blushing, that I could see now.

"Everyone else kept calling to me to come with them, and I knew I should be with Delilah and Kendra and Maddie, and they were laughing at me and telling me to come with them, but I kept feeling happy, and liking what you were doing. You stopped for some reason, but then you stood up. And you kissed me so sweetly, I felt like my heart was going to break into a million tiny pieces. Aidan, I'm so in love with you, so in love with you. And everything in my dream was strange, but whenever I was with you, even though it wasn't what the others wanted, I didn't care, and I was happy just being with you. And it's...how I feel," I explained and Aidan kissed me lightly on the cheek and put his arms around my waist. We were in an awkward position, but I didn't really care. "That wasn't the first time you were in my dream," I told him quietly, suddenly remembering another dream I had and I felt him smile on my cheek.

"What was your other dream like?" he asked and I frowned a little bit.

"It wasn't happy. I mean, I can't say that the dream I just was the happiest thing, but my other dream...you said you wanted to marry me. It was right after you had been drunk and we had that fight," I said quietly and Aidan was quiet too.

"That was when I wanted to escape reality. I was so unhappy with you and Maddie and me and Delilah. I had to not think anymore. And then you came...thank you for staying with me that night. And I..." Aidan trailed off.

"Yeah?" I asked with a breathless voice. I felt Aidan's head move against mine, and his grip on me tightened.

"If I could...I'd marry you," he told me and I sat in his embrace, stunned.

"But we can't," I blurted stupidly and I heard his sarcastic laugh.

"I know we can't. At least not here." His words were rigid, like I knew their meaning was. I couldn't believe it. Had I seriously found someone who really, honestly wanted to spend the rest of their life with me? He had said it was forever, but that was an intangible meaning. Forever meant a silly little highschool romantic promise, forever meant Shakespearian love, forever meant two pilgrims praying or any of that nonsense. Running away told me that he was willing make sacrifices for me, and he wanted to do whatever it could to make us work. But marriage? That told me that he was serious about me. Not even the act of getting married, because right now, that seemed ridiculous. I'd seen the gay marriages on TV whenever states allowed it to happen. I'd seen the girly guys in suits, giving each other chaste pecks on the lips before running out of the church. But that wasn't what Aidan meant and I knew it. Marriage was just a metaphor for just how much he loved me and it was absolutley terrifying, but in the best way possible. I couldn't believe that anyone could ever, ever feel any type of that kind of sentiment towards me and I smiled into him.

"You're amazing," was all I said, but I felt Aidan smile again on my cheek.

"I don't believe that we need to always be sad," he told me. "Love does not always have to be painful. There's a reason for all that pain, and why people go through it. They endure that pain because a lot of the time, love is so sweet. And that's just what I want and need right now." His words were soft, but they touched me warmly.

"Aidan, I'm sorry for any pain I've ever caused you," I told him and he smiled a little bit.

"Any pain that you've caused me is because of my own doing. If I had never showed up, you would never have been corrupted. But don't say anything about it, because I have to admit, I'm a little selfish. I am happy that I showed up, because if I had never met you, I would never feel like there are sunbeams shooting from my body. It's like-" he paused to laugh a little bit. "It's like that part in Beauty and the Beast, where the beast is transforming. And light shoots out from everywhere. That's kind of how I feel when I'm with you. Like I'm transforming from a hideous beast to a beautiful man. I guess that's the power of love, huh?" he asked and I laughed.

"You're so stupid," I said and then felt my stomach heave. I pushed away Aidan from me violently and threw up in the bucket. Aidan's hands came to push my hair back and I threw up three more times before I knew I was finished and I felt better. I knew I'd still feel slightly sick all day, and I still felt very hungover, but at least Aidan had been there to help me. He picked up the bucket and walked into a different room. When he came back a few minutes later, he didn't have the bucket, and instead pulled me up. He led me over to the bathroom, where the bucket sat on the floor, empty. Aidan put toothpaste on a toothbrush and handed it to me. I brushed my teeth quickly, feeling the bad taste leave eventually. I wandered back to the main part of the basement, where I once again collapsed onto the couch. Aidan kneeled down beside me and put his arms around my waist. I moved my own arms to where they had been before I threw up. "I kind of wish that I knew more about you," I laughed softly and Aidan moved. He put his knees up on the couch and then we were laying on the couch, both of us fitting snugly on it. His arms were still around my waist and my arms were still under his and around his back. Aidan kissed my forehead.

"My name is Aidan Thomas Littlefield, you already knew that. My favorite color is green, my least favorite color is orange. I'd like people to believe I'm confident, I really would. I know I go around with a sort of cocky exterior, and I do think pretty highly of myself, most of the time. I don't know what I'd do without music. I live to find happiness, which you know, and I've found it in you. I can't say that I am perpetually happy, even with you, because there are still many things that make me sad. And unfortunatley, I still feel like I have a lot of secrets from you," he admitted. I was sadly quiet on his couch.

"Will you tell me one right now?" I asked and Aidan didn't say anything for a bit.

"I've been in love like this before," he said and I felt all of a sudden, crushingly unhappy. "Or at least, at the time, I thought it was love. Now, I know it was nothing like that, now I know it was a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. But at the time, I felt happy because of the attention and stupid because I didn't know that everything I was feeling was all wrong."

"With who? When?" I asked and Aidan sighed.

"It was when I was very young, before my girlfriend Cecily. It was for a very long time. His name was..." Aidan shuddered and held me tight. "His name was Kadence."

"Kadence?" I asked and Aidan nodded.

"He was tall, and had dark hair and dark eyes. He taught me everything I know about sex, and made me the person I am today. He always had this...way...of touching my arm, it was like he was telling me that I was the best in the universe. I felt special when I was with him, because when I was younger, my parents weren't around much. I relied on Kadence to give me self-confidence, and he told me all sorts of things that I wanted to hear. He told me how I was the most important boy in his life, and that he needed me to survive. It was overwhelming and sometimes made me uncomfortable, but he always said that he loved me and told me that I loved him too. I believed him, how could I not? He was everything I wanted to be, and I couldn't stop wanting him to keep that attention on me," Aidan said and I looked at his face. His eyes were closed and I finally noticed that he was trembling slightly.

"Did you...love him the way you love me?" I asked and Aidan laughed and put his mouth right next to my ear. I distinctivley heard him sniff a bit, and I swore I felt something wet on my cheek, almost as if Aidan was crying, for this Kadence person...maybe.

"No. No."

"Then why are you so sad?" I asked.

"Do you remember when I told you that I couldn't tell anyone I was gay, because I wanted my parents to think I was normal?" he asked me and I shook my head yes, wondering what this had to do with anything.

"They already knew I was gay. Or at least, I had told them. They didn't want to believe it, they didn't want it to be true. You see, my older brother is gay. With him, my parents were afraid that he was gay because of bad parenting. They blamed themselves everyday for not having a 'normal' son. They pushed him to be as normal as they could, and they didn't allow him to date boys, which in retrospect, they really should have. They made him repress his sexuality and made him date girls. He was about four years older than me, and for a long time, I didn't understand why, when they were around, they fought all the time. I didn't understand the concept of what my brother was. With me, it was different. They think it's their fault more than they ever could with my brother. They feel deeply guilty for what they've done. And they don't want to, they don't want to believe that because of what they did, that I am who I am. That's why we moved. They wanted to take me out of where I was, to let me start over," he explained.

"I don't...understand," I said.

"They repressed my brother's sexuality. He had to...take it out on...someone," Aidan whispered and suddenly, everything seemed to click.

"You don't..."

"Yeah, I do." Aidan whispered into my ear. "Kadence Alan Littlefield. My beloved older brother."