Tokio Hotel: Rette Mich (Bill Kaulitz) Chapter 23 - Confessions

"Maria…" I felt like I could barely breathe, but I managed to whisper her voice.

She looked so pale, and she didn't respond when I squeezed her hand. And there was just so much blood…

There was a panic-stricken look on Mads face as he scrambled away from her. I could see him fumbling to retrieve something from his pocket--a cell phone? His fingers seemed to tremble as he punched at the numbers before holding it up to his ear.

"Freja?"

I jerked my head around--or at least tried to. My body wouldn't respond.

Who's voice was that? Who was calling me? But that was not my name…

"Freja!"

It sounded like they were frantic; I could hear the worry in their voice. My body felt like it was being shaken, but I simply couldn't allow myself to be distracted by anything.

"Maria," I called out her name again, this time swallowing the corrosive taste of bile that had rolled across my tongue. "Maria… Wake up…"

"P-please you… You have to help us. Hurry out here, please! My friend--she's--there's so much blood, and… And she's… Her heartbeat!" He sounded like he was going to break down at any moment.

"Freja, wake up! Please, wake up!"

Although I had very little strength left in my body, I managed to scoot closer to Maria, still holding her hand tightly in mine, though her fingers had already fell slack and our grip was coated in blood. Literally curling up against her motionless body, I pressed my face into her shoulder.

The cut on my stomach stung and I could feel the blood still flowing from it.

I already knew that Maria was dead--I could feel the tears burn as they streamed down my cheeks.

And I wondered… Am I going to die too?

My eyes started to slide close, though I could hear the approach of footsteps as Mads kneeled beside me.

"Line?"

He called out my name--but I could barely hear it.

Everything started to become black.

"Line, please don't leave me! You're all I've got left!"

I couldn't hold on anymore.

"Please! You mean everything to me!"

My eyes snapped open and the sudden feeling of asphyxiation washed over me; I choked as I tried to breathe, and finally I could feel my lungs flooded with oxygen. At first my vision was a bit hazy, but then I was able to make out Bill's silhouette hovering over me.

Suddenly the panic on his face washed away and he seemed relieved as he lifted me from my position of laying down--and right into a sitting position, wrapped in the warmth of his arms. "You really worried me," he whispered against my hair, his breath tickling my ear.

Everything felt so surreal, and I could barely even think--let alone return the embrace.

"Are you alright?"

I felt like my heart had sunk into the pit of my stomach. "No…" And with that 'no' came the tears, which started pouring down as I burst into a fit of sobs against his shoulder as he held me against him.

Bill didn't ask me what the problem was, and didn't pressure me to reveal anything. He merely stroked the back of my head as he held me. "It's okay to cry," he said.

So I didn't hold back a single tear; I let them all pour out as I held onto Bill clingingly, refusing to release him as I sobbed. The two of us sat in silence, save for the sound of my sniffling, for what felt like the longest time...

Until my tears dried and I was beginning to drift off in his arms. I felt so warm and secure; even though that dream had felt so real, I was protected from the sadness it brought just by being with Bill. How can one person have that effect on anyone else? It doesn't seem possible... It doesn't seem real.

"Do you feel better now?"

His voice broke through my thoughts, and I found myself blushing. "Uh--yeah... I'm sorry for waking you up." I smiled up at him after he loosened his grip around me and I was able to lean away from him.

"You really worried me," he said with a light-hearted laugh. "I was afraid you wouldn't wake up."

My heart was beating so hard that it was pounding against my ribcage. Against my will, my cheeks were still burning tomato-red. How embarrassing... But at least through the darkness, Bill couldn't see my cheeks flushing.

"W-we should get back to sleep."

Abruptly, he constricted his arms around me, holding me tightly against him. Then, to my surprise, Bill started to...

H-he's...?

There was no way--I couldn't believe it. I sat there, shocked, as he planted his face against my shoulder, holding me tightly. I'm sure my mouth was ajar; I couldn't believe that his trembling body was clinging to mine.

Is he... Crying...?

I had sobbed so easily in his arms, yet there I was sitting, just staring down at him full of confusion. I couldn't even begin to fathom what'd bothered him to the extent that he started to cry. Ever since I'd known him, I'd never seen tears in his eyes--why now...?

"B-Bill?" I breathed out his name, almost frantically. I'd finally pulled myself out of my shock, and now had my arms wrapped securely around his back.

"I'm sorry..."

My heart seized at the sound of his voice; why was he so sad?

"I let my pride get in the way when you were in Germany."

He must've been referring to the fact that he quite literally ignored me after I kissed Tom.

"I-it's okay," I stuttered, uncomfortable with the situation; not only had I never seen Bill cry, but I couldn't really recall ever being in the position of comforting someone else. Why did I feel so awkward? Why did I feel so helpless? It was as though my mind was a blank page; there were no words for me to offer Bill to console him.

But he stopped trembling in my arms, and it seemed as though the tears stopped rolling down his cheeks--however many he had shed, I was unsure. Even still, he didn't remove his face. His arms had fallen slack around me, and it seemed as though he felt somewhat pitiful in this state.

"That day of the concert I saw you---I heard you call my name, and I turned my head. I knew it was you."

He knew?

"I let my pride get in the way then, too."

"You don't have to say anything else--"

"You don't understand," he said with an exasperated sigh.

I pursed my lips shut as I glanced down at him. I really wanted to look in his eyes, but he refused to lift his head from my shoulder.

"Tom was the one who wanted to come looking for you. I didn't want to see you again--I thought it would be better if the two of us moved on with our own separate lives. I'm not the one who set up for us to come to Denmark. That was all Tom's idea."

My heart sank at his words. He didn't want to see me again? Ever since I'd been away from Germany, Bill was the person I thought about the most. It was Bill who I'd called out to when the guards were carrying me away. And it was Bill who I wanted to sleep beside.

Why then was Tom the one doing everything in his power so that we could meet again? Why not Bill?

"But I'm the one who took the credit and rushed out to take you in my arms when you came. I took all the credit. Tom must hate me."

"H-hate you?"

"He's the one who did all this--and he wanted to be the one to embrace you. He wanted to be the one protecting you from the paparazzi. I'm sure he would've also liked it if you would've slept beside him tonight."

I'm so stupid. I had hardly thought about Tom; the only person I'd seen was Bill since we met back up. It wasn't as though I wasn't happy to see Tom, too, but...

Bill finally lifted his face, and in the dim moonlight that poured in from the window I could see the tears that had left a trail on his cheeks. He looked so solemn; it was the first time he hadn't either looked upset, angry, or had that comical happy-go-lucky grin on. In the little bit of silver light on his face, I could make out no emotion.

"I'm sorry, Freja."

I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know what to feel. Should I be angry? Or should I be upset? But all I felt then was complete and utter confusion. My arms had long ago fallen away from Bill and now the two of us were sitting there--unconnected--just staring into each other's eyes.

It didn't feel right to be in that bed.

"I think I'll go sleep with Tom for the rest of the night."

He seemed to flinch, and those lips of his turned into a frown as he averted his eyes. "Alright..."

Maybe it was a hasty decision, but I quickly got to my feet and shuffled over to the door. There were so many racing thoughts, and a voice in the back of my head kept telling me to go right back to Bill.

But I couldn't.

He confessed that he hadn't truly wanted to see me again; he'd just taken credit for everything Tom had done. And like the naive, selfish little girl that I was, I took Tom for granted and went straight to Bill.

But I think I love him.

Shut up. That's a load of delusional crap. After all, if I'd known such things then I would've ran straight to Tom in the first place.

That's being really indecisive. So you go to the person that you should be most grateful to? Is that really being true to your feelings?

I don't care. Does it really matter?

But maybe it does.

The noisy thud as the door slammed shut behind me made me cringe as I wandered across the front room to Tom's door. I loitered in front of it for what felt like a good long while. Even though I'd already told Bill my decision, I still was unsure if it was what I really wanted to do.

Eventually, I coaxed myself into worrying about whether or not it was the right thing to do in the morning. So I opened the door and shuffled inside, closing it quietly behind me. As I approached the bed, I could dimly make out the silhouette of Tom, all curled up in the corner of the bed as though he was cold.

"Tom?" I called out his name tentatively, though I was sure he must've been sleeping.

"You shouldn't be wandering around at night."

I almost jumped back in surprise that he had answered. "Y-you're awake?

He sighed. "Why would you ask something like that when you're the one who came in here and called my name?"

His comical antics always managed to somehow bring a smile to my face, and so accepting the rather unorthodox welcome, I slid under the comforter.

"What's going on between you and Bill?"

My heart lurched--how did he automatically know that my presence in his room had something to do with Bill? Was Tom psychic? "I'm... Sorry..."

There was silence for a moment until Tom finally turned over toward me, and looked me straight in the eyes. "I don't know what you're apologizing for," he said.

"I paid so much attention to Bill that I didn't even--"

"I don't need an apology." He scooted closer to me, and reached out a hand, tucking a lock of hair that had been in my face out of my eyes. "And I don't need you to feel guilty for obsessing over Bill."

I swallowed hard. Why does he have to be so straightforward? It's almost cruel...

"You can sleep in here for tonight, but don't hold a grudge against Bill in the morning, 'kay?"

"But... After you did all that... Trying to make it so we could meet again..."

"I did that for Bill's sake. He's only human; he has flaws just like you and I do. Of course he second-guessed whether or not it was best to see you again. You did the same thing."

Everyone portrayed Tom as a playboy--as the guy who thought about sex more than romanticism. Maybe that was true, but that wasn't the Tom that I had grown to know. The Tom I knew was contemplative and far more clever than people gave him credit for.

"You know, though... I don't really mind having you in here once in a while. I am a guy after all."

It was back to the teasing again--and it made me laugh.

Thanks, Tom. I needed that.

"Let's go to bed. Good night, Freja."

I closed my eyes and fell asleep beneath Tom's vigilant gaze.

"Beep, beep, beep."

What's all that noise?

I could feel someone prodding at my cheek, continuously poking me as though it was some kind of sport. All the while I could hear a monotone voice repeating the same word. "Beep, beep, beep."

Finally, after I'd heard the annoying sound enough, I batted the person's hand away. "Leave me alone," I whined as I felt around for a pillow--but there wasn't any...? Why was it so cold, anyways? My eyes fluttered open, and I suddenly became aware of the fact that I was on the floor--without a comforter--without a pillow.

Tom was kneeling beside me, and though the sun was shining into my eyes from the window behind him, I managed to make out his silhouette as his finger dove in for another poke. My reaction speed was too slow, and once again I was stabbed right in the cheek. "Beep."

"Are you supposed to be some kind of annoying alarm clock, or what?" I asked incredulously as I groggily got back up to my feet and crawled into the bed, hiding beneath the warmth of Tom's comforter. In so doing, I found that there was a warm body in the bed.

Strange... Who would be in Tom's bed?

Suddenly I became aware of the fact that this wasn't actually Tom's bed, and the person I'd found was--

"F-Freja?" Bill had somewhat of a frightened look on his face, and I suddenly became aware of what it was I had felt.

"I--Uh--B..." My cheeks flushed bright red as I pulled my hand away from his--err--lower...half... "AAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAHhhhHHHH!"

In order to protect his ears, Tom quickly clamped his hands over them, snapping his eyes shut as I wailed in my high-pitched voice. Bill on the other hand, who hadn't been able to react so quickly was staring at me wide-eyed. At least until I finished screaming and closed my mouth again.

"Y-you didn't... Need to... Scream..." His eye twitched. "Now I have a ringing sound in my ears."

Tom erupted into laughter after allowing his hands to fall away from his ears. "Ahaha," he chortled. "That was well worth the hassle of trying to carrying Freja without waking her up all the way in here."

"This is your fault?!" I narrowed my eyes as I turned towards him, and like a scared cat, he scampered out of the room, still laughing manically, slamming the door behind him.

You little twerp. This was just another one of your schemes to force me into being with Bill alone...

Indeed; it was reminiscent of the time when he gave the phone to Bill mid-way through our conversation. I had once thought that to be the most embarrassing thing. Now I had a new memory to replace it.

I turned my head and glanced at Bill. He quickly averted his eyes, pretending to be glancing at the clock hanging over the doorway, as though it was the most interesting thing in the room. Judging by the nervous look on his face and the beads of perspiration lining his brow, he wasn't going to be the one to initiate conversation.

"I, uh... I'm sorry... About..."

"No, no," he said quickly, tearing his gaze away from the clock to glance over at me. Bill gave one of his one-hundred watt smiles--the kind where he looks so adorable that it makes you smile, too. "You don't have to apologize. It was all of Tom's fault." He stopped abruptly and his brows furrowed. "I mean... It is... Tom's fault... Completely...?"

"It's completely Tom's fault," I corrected. It was at times like that, that I noticed how much Bill's English has improved.

Suddenly memories of last night flooded my head, though, and I could recall what Bill had told me. My heart felt like it had dropped into the pit of my stomach again. It was so unnerving to think that he hadn't wanted to see me.

But if that's how you feel, then ask him.

"Bill..."

"Is something on your mind?" He looked so cheerful, as though last night hadn't crossed his mind at all. It was as though he'd chosen just to forget it.

But I couldn't do that.

"Did you really not want to see me again?"

That happy-go-lucky mask he'd been wearing crumbled right before my eyes, and he frowned. Bill couldn't look me in the eyes--he once again had his gaze focused on that stupid clock. "It's--uh... Not that I didn't want to see you, but..."

"You don't have to make excuses. I just want the truth."

This time, he peered over at me. There was guilt in those hazel eyes of his as he focused on me. "I didn't want to get too close to you. I knew you were going to go back to Denmark--and it would be too hard for us to make contact. Tom was determined to overcome that, but I thought it was too bothersome. I thought it would be better if you could return to the normal life you had, and didn't get mixed up with us.

"The paparazzi watches our every move. I didn't want them to ruin your life by printing up a bunch of bullshit lies about you."

"How about now?" I persisted hopefully.

He looked at me with a small smile. "Well, when I gave that speech, I didn't really know what I wanted to say to you if we met up again."

That wasn't the answer I wanted to hear, but I knew it was the truth. But I think the disappointment showed on my face, because the smile on his pale lips quickly fell away and he turned his eyes away. It made me feel empty again.

"I should go see if the newspaper is here yet. I'm sure it has something really interesting to say about us." Bill gave a small smile as he slid off the edge of the bed, and groggily shuffled to the door. Once he disappeared through it and the door closed behind him, I found myself sighing.

Brrriiiiiiiiiiiiiinggg!!

I literally fell right off the edge of the bed, surprised by the sudden sound. I scrambled to fish out my cell phone from the pocket of the pants I had worn yesterday, which I first had to recover from under the edge of the bed. Taking just a moment to look at the screen before I answered it, I found that my stomach lurched as my eyes landed upon the word Mom.

This... Won't be fun...

It felt like there were knots twisting together in the pit of my stomach as I placed my cell phone, tentatively, against my ear. With great reluctance, I said, "Hello?"

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

My shoulders stiffened. That wasn't the voice of my mother--it was... Maja?

"You are stupid!"

"Uh... Maja?"

On the other end I could hear her crying. "You've been ignoring my calls all night. I had Mads calling me, asking me what was going on? Something about an emergency... So you made me panic, because you lied to the both of us!"

Ignored her calls? Now I was a bit dumbfounded; not once had my cell phone rung during the night or all morning--so I really didn't know what she was talking about. "I never ignored your calls; I didn't know I had received any. I'm sorry, Maja."

"Sorry!? Why didn't you tell me in the first place? That you stayed with such an important family--like the Kaulitz family--with Bill and Tom!? It's true that I'm somewhat jealous... But I would've believed you if you told me. I thought I knew you wouldn't lie to me."

She sounded almost hysterical as she continued screaming into the phone at me. Even so, I kept listening to her barrage of insults and accusations.

"What kind of friend wouldn't tell their friend something so important? You keep everything to yourself. Why couldn't you tell me something so simple? I was really upset when you disappeared in Germany. When we came back to Denmark I felt like it was all my fault, and even though everyone said otherwise... I know it's true... It really was my fault--what happened to you back in Germany!"

"You say that like it's the most horrible thing in the world. I don't really remember what I felt going to Germany back then with you and your sister, but that doesn't matter. Right now, I am happy because I got the chance to meet them back in Germany. The fact that Bill and Tom are part of Tokio Hotel, and are really famous... I just don't care."

Her crying turned into what sounded more like sniffles. "You can't say that... It's horrible that this happened to you. You could've come back and had a normal life in Denmark. Now you're attached to them, right? And--worse--you're all over the news. What're you going to do? What if they bully you in the school because you choose to be friends with Tom and Bill?"

"It's a risk I'm willing to take."

"Liar! Why would anyone want to go through something like that? You're just being stupid! You're not thinking straight, Line!"

Even though Maja was still crying, she seemed to be loosening up a bit. "I wouldn't lie about something like that. I'm sorry I missed your phone calls, Maja. It would've been better if I had told you when I returned to school. But I just didn't want to talk about it with anyone--and my mother proposed keeping it a secret because she felt it would be in my best interest."

"Stop talking nonsense! There is no reason why you would feel that way! Who in the world would willingly take that kind of torture from their fellow classmates? I don't believe that they're so important to you, that you're willing to completely change your life as it is right now."

"It's be...because..."

"Why!?"

"It's because I..."

"Stop hesitating! If you can't tell me, then it means you have no reason to do this!"

"It's because I love Bill!!" My face flushed after yelling those words into the cell phone. It was embarrassing to finally admit my feelings out loud, but I wanted Maja to believe me. It was the truth.

"Are you sure you really mean that...? If you had to hesitate, then--"

"I LOVE BILL KAULITZ, OKAY!?" I literally raised my voice as high as I possibly could, and to my embarrassment the words seemed to echo around the room. Worse yet--they probably heard that out in the--

The door suddenly creaked open, and at the sound I jerked my head around, a red tint still on my cheeks. My heart was beating quickly as my eyes watched intently until I saw Bill's hazel eyes peering back at me from around the door as he stepped inside the room.

He--He was smiling...? "I love Freja, too."