It just wasn't fair. Why should you have to take control of everything? Since she had died, the burden of keeping things in order fell upon your shoulders. You love your dad very much, but with him out working most of the time who else was supposed to keep track of things? Certainly not Nichole. She was much too young for that. But you're not ready to take on that kind of adult responsibility. It kills you that things can never be the same. You'll never speak to her, touch her, hold her, tell her that you love her, ever again. You wish more than anything in the world that you could have her back. You'd give your own life for her to be alive again. What hurts you the most is that you can't stop blaming yourself for her death.
You hide your face in your pillow, trying to smother your choked sobs. Your body shudders with every breath, pain tearing through every fiber of your being. "Please..." you whisper. "Please..make it stop hurting...Make the pain go away...I just want to stop hurting...Please..." You plead with no one in particular, squeezing your eyes shut again. "I miss you so much. I need you. We need you. God, it hurts so bad to not have you here. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I miss you. I miss you. Please make it stop hurting..."
"I wish I could," someone whispers. You jerk your head up in shock and look around the room. Remus is standing by the steps to the boys dormitories. Your face turns bright red and you quickly wipe away your tears. "I'm sorry. I didn't...I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I just...I couldn't sleep, so I came down here. I heard you crying from the staircase so I stopped. I didn't want to disturb you, but..." He trails off, looking down at the floor with embarrassment. "It's okay," you murmur. "I...I'm just having a difficult time right now is all."
He walks toward you slowly, sitting on the couch near your chair. In the dim light the fire eminates, you can see that his face is etched with concern. "I can't begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now, but...if you should ever - umm - need someone to-to talk to...just know that you can always come to me." The whole thing seems extremely difficult for him to say. Somehow you find it endearing that he feels nervous enough to stutter. You smile through your tears and say with a light laugh, "Thank you, Remus. I...I really appreciate that." You sniffle and pinch the bridge of your nose, dulling the sharp pain of the developing headache.
You watch Sylvia in silence for a few minutes. She's rubbing her temples, no doubt trying to force away an oncoming headache. Her eyes are closed and she's frowning, her bottom lip still quivering. You feel an overwhelming amount of grief yourself, sympathising with her pain and sorrow. Her face is stained with tears. A mingled expression of torture and distress is etched into her loverly features. You can't stand seeing her this way.
You take a deep breath and start out, "Do..." you stop, your voice cracking.You clearyour throat and continue, "Do you...you know...want to talk about it?" Sylvia looks away from the fire, turning her gaze on you. Your eyes meet and you swallow hard, your face flushing. Her eyes seem so intense in the dim lighting, still shining with tears. She stares at you for a few seconds before averting her eyes to the floor. "I...I don't know what else there is to say," she whispers, wiping her cheeks. You think for a moment, not sure how to start such a conversation.
"How are things back home?" you ask awkwardly. She makes a face like she's trying not to cry again and replies, "Not too good. With-With my mom gone...it's like everything has fallen on MY shoulders. My dad works a lot. He's hardly ever home and when he is home it's like he's...hollow; just this shell of what he used to be. I understand that he's hurting too - I mean I feel like I'm empty inside sometimes - but isn't he supposed to help us through this? He just...sits there - like Nichole and I don't even exist. Sometimes I just feel like I'm completely alone - like no one understands. And maybe they won't. I can't help but think that-that it's my fault sometimes. I know it's not, but I keep telling myself that if I had been home earlier - if I hadn't stopped at the park - then...then maybe I could've stopped it. It could've been me instead. But I just wish...I wish I could have her back and make things be how they used to be..."
Sylvia's tears had been building up the more she spoke and now she finallybreaks down and starts bawling again. She makes little whimpering noises as she sobs. It'stoo much for you bear. To see someone in such agony, so tormented...You go to her and kneel down in front of her chair. You cautiously take her hands and murmur soothingly, "It's alright. Don't cry. I'm here with you." You pull gently on her hands and she pours off the chair into your lap like she has no bones. She drops her pillow and clings desperatelyto you instead. You hold her tightly, stroking her hair and whispering soothing words.
Her tears soak the front of your t-shirt and her sobs shake your body as well as hers. You press your cheek to the top of her head and close your eyes, trying to remember how your own mother used to soothe you as a small child. You start rocking back and forth gently, humming quietly in her ear. You lose track of how much time passes before her tear finally subside to sniffles and hiccups."Thank you," she whispers. "You're a good friend." You blush furiously and mumble, "You're welcome." She squeezes you briefly and buries her face in your chest. You can feel her warmth through your shirt.
Up until now you hadn't noticed, but you are suddenly aware that Sylvia smells amazing. Her hair has a tangy fruit scent and her skin itself gives off a sweet untraceable smell. You shut your eyes and breathe in deeply. She didn't seem to notice, but your face burns again. You look down at her for the first time in hours. Her eyes are closed and her breathing is beginning to slow. You have a sudden urge to touch her face. 'She's almost asleep and she wouldn't notice. No reason to feel so embarrassed.'
You tuck a strand of stray hair behind her ear and stare in awe at her pale face. The moonlight coming in from a nearby window gave her skin an incandescent glow. You lightly touch her cheek with the back of your hand. Her skin is warm and smooth. Her lips, cast in shadow, look dark and inviting. You trace them softly with your fingertips. Sylvia sighs in her sleep and you pull your hand away. Since you can't take her to her dormitory, you carefully stand and sit with her on the couch. She groans quietly and snuggles closer to your body. You sigh heavily and stare up at the ceiling whilst playing with a strand of her hair. You wished more than anything that you could be closer to her and tell her how you really feel.
In Love with a Marauder...Yeah Right! - Part 10
Sorry I've been so busy. Just graduated so I should have lots of free time!You lie on your bed in silence, staring through the darkness at the ceiling. Your stomach kept churning and bubbling uncomfortably. You roll onto your side, fiddling with the edge of your pillowcase. That vast void is opening inside your chest again. You can feel it tearing you apart. You squeeze your eyes shut for a few seconds before pulling back your curtain. You sigh heavily and head down the stairs to the common room dragging your pillow behind you. The fire has almost died completely. You sit in one of the cushy armchairs near the fireplace and watch the embers smolder. You hug your pillow to your chest and shut your eyes, trying to force the pain away. Until your return to Hogwarts, you hadn't cried for your mother in over two months. Strange how everything could change so quickly.
*Remus' POV*
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