So sick of how everything is falling into place. I try to remember the words he spoke so softly in my ear the very first time we were alone. But they were lies. So many of them plague this relationship because he said he wanted to be with me forever. But how can this be when I hear from people that we aren’t going out. He said we were. So I am lost and confused, but most of all pissed off. I don’t want to be who I have shown myself to be anymore because I know it isn’t me. I have let all the past emotions, memories and everything I have kept to myself come clouding back into the front of my mind because I want to actually be me. That pissed off girl, the bad girl that everyone thinks I am not, the girl who wants the truth, and the one not afraid to get what she wants. That is me, always has been but I have been playing nice. Nice isn’t going to work out this time. I am going to have to be the girl I used to be. If he doesn’t want me than I am going to show him what he is missing out on. This isn’t the end, only the very beginnings of a passionate strive for love.
Jordan whispered in my ear, “Aren’t you sick of always being alone?”
“Aren’t you sick of asking?” I asked back.
Jordan said with almost every ounce of disgust he could muster at the time, “Never, I just worry about you; I mean you haven’t been the same, Vic. I mean after going on that outing with him and getting back together with him, you just have not been the same old you.”
I whispered so softly, “I know Jordan, I know so well. It is just if I give him up; I just know I will regret it. I want to hear that he loves me even though I know he doesn’t. He told Jenna that we weren’t going out. He said that to his ex. That has to mean something but what? Jordan, I don’t think I could survive with out him.”
Jordan sighed and placed his hand on my cheek. “You have to realize that you deserve so much better. You can make it through, I mean your friend Cat and of course that other guy,” Jordan said so simply the reasons why I was still there.
Cat, gods gift to this world, my best friend, no, more like my sister. She is interesting to hang out with, easy going, so fragile yet so fucking strong, and of course hilarious. Then as Jordan said “that other guy”, nothing more than a friend really but how it all started between us was slightly interesting because I had feelings for him and expressed them but never did he answer. He answered silently because he knew that the answer was right there in front of me, I would have to embrace it to accept it. And I did a long time ago. He has always been there and so have my feelings. Still to day, the feelings are still here inside of my soul.
I screamed at him, sudden anger took over me and I wasn’t going to stop it, “They are just simply reasons to live but what kind of life will I live with out love with out true passion running through my veins, because that isn’t life? That isn’t what I want! That isn’t want I need!”
Jordan was just stunned at my out burst. He saw the flicker in my eye that made him sigh yet again. He started out slowly, “You know that love comes in and out of your life. You know that love is still inside you. It has always been there just towards another guy,” he voice started to grow louder, “YOU LOVE THAT OTHER GUY!”
I was lost for a moment but soon realized what he meant. I said, “I know. But he doesn’t love me. His silence to my questionsare his answers to it all.”
“How do you know?” Jordan asked.
“I asked him and that was the one question he answered,” I answered.
Jordan just nodded and now fully understood why I held so dearly on to Ahmed. But I could see the concern written in his eyes. The way he looked at the wall behind me because he didn’t want to face the fact that I would never be happy. Out of the blue my phone vibrated in my pocket. I looked down and saw that it was a text. I have news about everything, I will meet you at Butterfield’s class Love Cat.
I reread that text a million times. She had news; it could be wonderful or totally horrible. “I have to go,” was all I got out.
I walked slowly down the hallways of the school. Turning the corner to get into E hallway, as I came to the last turn, my breathing stopped. I wanted to know but I couldn’t bring myself to keep moving. Sudden anger came to me as I stood there. He can’t have this control over me was the thought that ran through my mind. So I walked on, and came to that door. It would symbolize so much after this meeting of friends. It would be a symbol of love or hatred. I had to open the door.
She told me everything she could. I sat there, I couldn’t eat, I had tears running down my face and all I could think was this was the end. Soon I was walking to that door again. I walked to my seat and just sat down.
“Are you okay?” I heard a voice ask from beside of me.
“No,” I answered swiftly.
I looked up and realized it was the one person I didn’t want to see or hear, “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in class?”
“I left. Katie and Jenna wouldn’t shut up about me getting arrested,” he stated.
“Oh, we need to talk. But not here, not in here,” I stated.
“Okay, before seventh then?” he slightly questioned.
“Yes, but tell me, did you leave my 6th period because you were afraid of forever? If so I am happy just being with you now. I don’t want forever, I just want now,” I said. The tears still came but slower now.
“I did,” he said, “I am just a teenager. Forever isn’t something I am looking for.”
“Just enjoy what we can?” I questioned.
“Yes,” he said.
I sighed, “Does this have anything to do with Jenna?”
“No, hell no. Nothing, none of this has to do with her!” he said.
I smiled faintly at that, and said, “I just want to know the truth. All of it. So don’t lie to me when we talk, okay?”
“I would never lie to you,” he said, “I have to go. I never wanted to see you cry. And I have been thinking about breaking up with you.”
“Don’t, don’t leave me. I know I have been kinda annoying but you haven’t been here so I worried. I will always worry,” I stated.
“We will talk later,” he said as he moved toward the door.
I nodded to that and just focused on calming down. That class passed with a blink of an eye. I stood and just walked on to seventh expecting to beat him there but he was right there. I was somewhat glad yet scared. We walked outside and our conversation just blended together the time we had faded to fast. Our goodbye was drawn out, neither wanting to say goodbye. But we had to, sharing a simple peck, one that I can still feel upon my lips. Maybe this won’t last forever but I am sure as hell going to make sure I make the most of it.
I just stare out into space during class. Not really caring that a test is coming tomorrow or even if I have homework. I start doodling and randomly writing things on the paper. Just trying to concentrate on something besides my happy go lucky mood, I hate when I feel happy yet I am far from happy. I don’t know why but when everything is fine it just can’t seem to stay happy. He is there for me, I know it but he doesn’t want me there for him. Class is over before I know it. Cat and I walk out and down to where we are normally after school.
“You seem to quiet,” Cat states.
“You know I should be happy but I am not. I mean I love him but I don’t know what to do to help him. Should I just give him his space and let him come to me?” I ask.
“I think that would be wise,” Cat says to me. I look over to the yellow buses. I hate this. Not being able to help him out.
But that was long ago, he has faded out, it didn't last. And I am still here, I am happier now than with him.
