Too Weak, Too Afraid {memo}

Do you ever sort of "leave" your body and then watch your body--yourself--do something extremely crazy and wrong?

I came to the party..excited about the prospect of making an actual friend. When I walk in it was just like school...everyone ignored me like I was just air. I saw Blake in the corner of the large living room on one of the chairs with Whitney on his lap leaving hickeys all over his neck. Our eyes met. I wasn't surprised when he sneered, then he kept ignoring me. I looked around the room...there were some people I recognized from school and some I didn't know...prolly from other towns...yea that's how huge Jason's parties were. Everybody was talking, laughing, drinking, dancing...except me. I slowly made my way thru the crowd back to the door. I was just about to open it and leave when someone grabbed my arm and spun me around. Jason was smiling at me but again the smile didn't reach his cold eyes. "Jos! You made it!" I nodded. "Good...well come on! It's time to have some fun."I didn't pick up on the dark undertone of his last sentence. Even though this guy truly gave me nightmares, I couldn't help but get happy.

Jason wasn't ignoring me.

He was even being nice! Maybe he could be my friend...the one I could talk to...the one who'd understand me.

"You thirsty?" He handed me a red cup...in my foolish bliss I didn't even ask what it was. My sips turned to gulps...my cup turned to cups. Somewhere along the line Jason and I made our way to the crowd of people dancing...and by dancing I mean having sex with clothes on...and we joined them. Soon his hands moved from my waist to my hips and just kept going lower. And there I was...or at least there my body was...doing a nasty thing with a horrible person. My "ghost" was screaming at me to stop, to run away and go home...but my body wasn't listening. Jason then leaned down and pressed his lips on my shoulder and dragged them up my neck to my ear. "Jos" he whispered seductively. My body was still deaf to everything. I felt his hands move to the waistband of my jeans. It wasn't until he pushed his hands past my waistband into my pants that my body finally heard my "ghost" scream "GET OUTTA THERE!!" I grabbed his hands and shoved him back. Without him holding me, I began to stumble as I tried to leave. What the heck was going on? My vision was blurred and the room started to spin and I couldn't find a door...not a single door to get away. I started to panic. I looked to everyone--anyone--but I was invisible...

I was nothing.

I couldn't even see who had slammed me up against the wall but I knew as soon as his cold, dark voice whispered in my ear. "Don't worry Jos...it won't hurt you at all." I felt my hot tears streaming down my face and I wanted to scream...but a large lump had formed in my throat. I tried to let out some kind of noise but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. Jason's cruel laughter ringed thru my ears and I resorted to the only other thing I knew...hitting and kicking. But he was too strong..he pinned my arms against the wall and leaned into my face.

"Now be a good dog and go to sleep."

The last thing I saw before darkness were his eyes...cold and full of lust.