I was dead. I just knew it, I had to be, otherwise I wouldn’t feel like I was dying. Did what I think just happened…really just happen?
Earlier that day I had been at Warped Tour with my best friends, Layne and Sam. We were there to see our other best friends, William, Michael, Andy, Mike, and Adam. We’d all known each other pretty much since we were in preschool, it was hard not to since we all lived on the same block. Well except for Michael, but he fit in so well with the rest of us it was like he was there the entire time.
We arrived at the venue extra early to say hi, and we all hung out in their band’s tour bus. “So why didn’t you guys come on tour with us?” Mike said making a sad face at us. “Well it’s because we’re in COLLEGE we have SCHOOL” I said blatantly. “Oh yeah…”
We all laughed and Adam walked in and said “Don’t be such a tool Lexi, he was just asking.” We all looked over at Adam weirdly. “Sorry…you okay Adam?” “No, I’m not, but I don’t see why you would care.” I looked at Adam’s face full of anger mixed with hurt, something was definitely bothering him alright. I walked to the back of the bus with Adam in tow and sat him down.
“What do you want Alexandra?” he said my name oddly, like it gave him a bad taste in his mouth. “Adam I just want to know what’s wrong.” He crossed his arms and sighed dejectedly. “Well you ought to know…you know I don’t like you dating.” “That’s what all this is about?! You’re just flipping a shit cause I’m dating someone?” Adam shrugged and stared intently at the wall.
“Can’t you just be happy for me?” “I can’t be happy for someone that I hate.” “You…you don’t mean that Adam…” “Maybe I do.” “Adam we’re best friends…” “I said, I hate you Lexi, will you please just leave me alone?” Adam stormed out of the room and shut himself away in his bunk.
I walked back to the front of the bus slowly, Adam’s words playing back over and over through my mind. “I hate you Lexi. I hate you Lexi. I hate you Lexi.” Didn’t he know that I loved him?
It’s never easy for me to keep a secret, but this was one I could hide well. I was in love with Adam T. Siska. And he hated me.
It happened all right, Adam had told me he hated me. And my heart was slowly breaking as I walked back to the laughter of my friends. “Lexi…what’s wrong?” Bill asked me, standing up and looking me over. “I think I’m dead.” He laughed softly and sat me down in the back room. Even though he wasn’t actually my older brother, Bill had always acted as a big brother to me, and I loved him for it.
“Why are you dead?” he asked, playing with a stray thread on his sweater. “Because Adam hates me…” I buried my head in my hands and sighed. “Bullshit, the kid’s practically in love with you.” “What’re you talking about? He just told me right now that he hated me.”
“Why the hell did he do that?!” “You’re asking me? He just said ‘I hate you Lexi’ and shut himself in his bunk…” I had started crying by now, tears falling steadily onto my faded jeans. “Don’t cry Lexi, we can fix this.” Bill enveloped me in a hug and I smiled a little, he is the best unofficial big brother ever.
“I think I’m just gonna go home…” I stood up and wiped my eyes. “I really wish you would stay, but I can understand why you don’t wanna stay. It’s alright; I’ll get you an autograph or something okay?” I smiled and hugged Bill again. “Thanks Bill.”
I said bye to everyone else except Adam and left for home. Once I got in my room and saw the pictures of Adam and I with the other guys, the full effect of what had happened hit me and I sat down on my bed and cried, just cried until I had the hiccups from crying too much.
I heard a soft knock on my door and managed to say “Go away” to whoever I just threw a pillow at. “Lexi it’s just me!” Bill said laughing. “I got you a shirt! All the Cobra Starship guys signed it. But I’m guessing you aren’t doing much better…” I guess all the tissue build-up in my trash can and the still-wet-from-tears blanket were dead giveaways. Bill sat down on the bed by me and folded the shirt, setting it down next to me.
“Bill, I love him. What are you supposed to do when the person you love hates you?” “Break up with your boyfriend?” I cracked a smile and shoved Bill off the bed. “He’s not my boyfriend; I went on ONE date with him!”
“Well I’ll tell you one thing; you aren’t the only one broken hearted in this situation.” “Oh yeah, I’m sure this has you all torn up.” “Well a bit, I don’t like seeing you sad, but I meant Adam.” “What…?”
“I already said so Lex, Adam loves you. The guy you dated is really rude to Adam and he’s always bullied him, so I guess it hurt him pretty bad to see you with a guy like that.” “But how could I have known?”
“You couldn’t have.”
Adam was standing outside my door, leaning in the door way and looking at his sneakers.
“Adam…” I breathed softly, Bill looking confused and happy at the same time. Adam moved Bill off of my bed and closed the door behind him.
“I’m sorry I blew up at you like that Lexi.” He kept looking at his sneakers, his voice quiet. “No it’s um…no you know what, it’s not okay.” He looked up at me finally, his eyes locking with mine.
“You shouldn’t get that upset over one date Adam, I can’t believe something so stupid could make you hate me.” His eyes wandered to my tear-stained sheets and the pile of tissues next to me.
“You haven’t been crying by any chance have you?” “No…” “Come here Lexi.” Adam opened his arms to me but I stayed rooted to the spot. “Don’t touch me.”
“Lexi I don’t hate you alright now come here dammit.” I smiled softly and climbed over to Adam awkwardly and he held me in his arms. “I hate you too.” He laughed and hugged me and I grinned a bit, hating how much I loved being in his arms.
“Why do you hate me now?” “Cause when you said that, it broke my heart. Because you are my light Adam, and I was lost without you, even if it was only for a few hours, they were the darkest hours of my life.”
“Wow…I’m sorry Lex…does it help that I love you?” I blushed and tilted my head back to look up at Adam, who was smiling down at me. “Well I guess so, but only cause I love you back.”
