Dear Ned,
I know that it's strange, this whole letter business and all, but right now it's kind of my only shot. Sometimes I get the impression that you don't want to talk to me anymore, but then there are times that I think that you, well I don't know. Normally I'm so much more elegant with my words since I'm an English major and everything, but when it comes to you, well you know. No you don't. You don't know. At least I can only assume that you don't know because if you did I don't think you would do this to me. So hopefully you're a tinsy bit confused about what it is that you're doing to me. Ugh - this is not going the way I wanted it to. Let me start over. Ned, I miss you. That's what this is all about, sort of. Not to put the pressure on you or anything, but do you miss me? I hope you do. I guess that's a bit selfish of me, but I think it's about time that I started to get selfish with you. You don't know this, because there's a lot that you don't know, but I have sacrificed a lot for you in the past year or so. Yeah, I know it doesn't seem like it because I'm so easygoing and all, and I do appreciate all the times you went to the movies with me last summer with Sid and Caitlin, but that's not enough. You never met any of my friends that don't work with us, let alone hung out with them. I never even met Angela. I wanted to be with you so much more than we were.
I'm sorry. This letter is getting so mangled and I don't even know what I'm saying. So to stop all this rambling bullshit I want you to know something. It's a secret, but I hope it's not a complete surprise. I love you. It's that simple. No, this isn't some kind of practical joke or anything. I really mean it. Is it a recent development? No, not really. Remember when I asked you to prom? Remember when you said yes, only to remember a few days later that you would be in Alaska that week? Maybe you don't, but you probably never realized just how much I didn't want to go to prom without you. With my tendency for the cliché, I'm going to sacrifice any attempt at metaphor. (I'm not good with those anyway.) You probably don't know just how many times you made me cry, how many tears my hair, ears and pillowcase absorbed at night - because of you. Please don't think I'm trying to guilt you into anything. I just want you to know where I've been. Hopefully then you can empathize with where I am now.
Ned, I feel like I've lost you. I see you from time to time at work, but it feels I'm so excited to see you, you and your apathy for me. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me that seeing me at least makes you smile for a second. I'd be happy with that. I really would. This isn't easy for me. I bet you get that though, since this letter just kind of jumps all over the place. But the truth is Ned, you make my thoughts shuffle and just mush together. That's why I decided to write this instead of telling it to your face. Not to mention that you turn my spinal cord to mayo whenever you're around me. Did you notice how I fidgeted the whole time when you drove me home from work two weeks ago? Thanks for that again. Also, thanks for the butterflies that lost their way in my stomach for roughly twelve hours.
Anyway, back to loss. I've lost you before. Multiple times. Every time it hurts just as bad. Almost like heartburn, but paralyzingly so. In the past I let you go. Figured you desereved better than me and anything I could give you. Not this time Ned. I'm the same person I was a year ago, but I've changed. You've changed too. I think I love you even more for it. So this time things are going to be different. If I have to fight for you, I'll take on the Persian army. Kick some messengers into a bottomless pit in the middle of my pack yard.
So Ned, if you've made it this far I have to congradulate you. I can't make myself read over what I've already written and revise. It's a bad habit that I'm in no hurry to deal with. I want you. I want you more than I want oxygen for my lungs. I don't expect you to reciprocate these feelings. I'd like it, a lot, but I'm pretty well rehearsed in rejection so I know not to expect anything. So this is all I have for you. I wish it were better, less pathetic and needy, but it's not. We're both going to have to deal with that I guess. If I never hear from you, I'll know how you feel. So do what you will with these words. They're for you. If only I could actually send it to you. Oh well, that is a battle for another day.
Thank you for being, well just being. I guess that's all I can say right now.
Hope to see you soon-
Lennon
