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Three Things In A Guy's Life

What amazes me the most is there are three things in a guy's life: video games, food and girls. For any guy, nerdy or jock, any guy, teenage guy, at least, that's pretty much all they care about. I mean, I guess violence and sports (possibly porn) count too, but seriously, what kind of guy doesn't like video games? They have a bottomless pit for a stomach, right? And all guys, since, well, forever, are freaking perverts!

For me, well, it's different. I do love video games, and I have adapted to my bottomless pit (though, being a girl with a rather high metabolism, though I barely gain a pound), I can't exactly being obsessed with girls though...ugh. That'd be disgusting. Only when I'm done puking, please. (Never!)

Instead of girls, I am, like, totally obsessed with the Seahawks. It's a funny obsession. I always invite Drew over during all the games and playoffs for football, and we watch in my living room. Seahawks don't always play, I know that. I mean, I wish I lived in Seattle. Then I could see every game live. I would, too. But, I can't. Lucky for me, since I'm the only other guy that I know of at this moment in this ridiculous city who's obsessed with football, Drew and I are tight. We're like brothers. Well, for me, more like brother-and-sister. But he's seriously thrilled to find another guy obsessed with football. Fine by me. I mean, my feminine side is already in love with him.

Seriously, why can't girls like sports? I mean, I guess some of them do. Like, back in Frocksen, my friend Bertha was über sporty. She loved the whatever basketball team of Minnesota. (Frankly, I don't care because football is my game.) But, seriously, you see more guys going crazy over sports than you see a girl. I mean, sure are their gender stereotypes, but I highly doubt sports really count. (And no, gymnastics nor cheerleading doesn't really count as a sport.) It's pretty ridiculous.

But, anyways. It's Saturday afternoon, and I'm as bored as hell. So I decided to invite Randy and Drew over for a little video games. I didn't do much to the basement--just put the pillows back on the couches where they belonged. Randy and I just got to be friends a few days ago, so I decided to get to know him better. Besides, even though I like Drew, if he happens to be gay, at least Randy will be happy. Sort of.

At two, the doorbell rang, and when I opened it, I saw Randy grinning from ear-to-ear.

"Hey dude, what's up?" I greeted. (Hah! Take that, Wilma!)

"Nothing much," Randy replied. I started to wonder all these weird things - I mean being gay and all. Is it normal to like a guy that's you gender? Do you worry about being an outcast and all? Like how no one else is gay, but you are? This is incredibly stupid, but honestly, this is what I'm wondering. Because I'm an idiot. And a girl.

I welcomed Randy inside, glad to have the house to myself. Wilma was out with her friends, and Josie, Mom and Dad were at some dinner part at a Roman restaurant. Randy and Drew were staying till eight, so I ordered pizza for six-thirty and then we were going to get high on root beer and Oreos, and kill ourselves with video games. I love my life.

The next second, the doorbell rand again. I sighed, but grinned and ushered Drew inside. The guys (well, Randy) gaped at around my house and at our plasma in the basement. I took three Wiis and inserted Mario Party. (I owned four controllers, but the fourth was still in my room.) Since, well, explaining video games is pretty boring if you don't get it, but, anyways, when we reached downstairs, the guys seriously gaped.

"Dude...this is your basement?" said Drew. "You seriously have a tight place, man."

"Man, this is awesome!" said Randy, grinning and running around to the pool table, then to the arcade arena. (I persuaded Dad, and really, we're the only people who really use it.) Then he fooled around with the foosball and the indoor pool. "You could throw a serious party down here, dude!"

"Tch, no way," I said. "Parents are never away. And Dad would seriously, like, gag me and tie me up and throw me into a pit of piranhas. Dude, he worships our basement."

"So this is your TV?" said Drew, raising his eyebrows in an amazed manner at our forty-inch screen plasma. "Dude, I wouldn't mind coming here every day after school. Think I could swing?"

"Yeah, only if you promise not to hit on Wilma," I joked, grinning. Drew shrugged and grinned back. "I can't guarantee anything. I mean, under Hank's terms, she is pretty hot."

I saw Randy's face fall at Drew's non-gay-ness, and said quickly, "Er...let's play Mario Party now. You guys want chips?"

"Definitely," said Randy and Drew at the same time. They noticed and grinned at each other, and I could see Randy trying to hold back a blush. Aw, how cute. Kind of.

I ran back upstairs to our pantry, and got out a bag of barbecue chips. When I got back down, Drew and Randy were looking for the Wiis.

"Guys, they're right here," I said, bending down to put the chips on the table and picking three of them up and tossing them nicely to the two of them. Randy caught his, but Drew dropped his.

"Nice going, dude," said Randy, chuckling. Picking his Wii up, Drew said, "Well, at least I don't wear purple socks!"

"At least I don't fall over every time a girl talks to me!" Randy shot back, grinning. (Which was only almost half true. He doesn't fall over when his friends that are girls, or when I, talk to him. Just when any other girl does.)

"At least I don't wear shorts in the beginning of winter!" said Drew.

"At least I don't like the Eagles!" said Randy. "Giants all the way!"

"Dude, you like football?" I said excitedly. "Dude, no way! I love the Seahawks."

"Dude, the Giants totally pwned the Seahawks last Sunday," said Randy, grinning. I rolled my eyes.

"So? At least they didn't win the last Super Bowl from a random Wild Card draw," I pointed out.

"And what's wrong with that?" challenged Randy.

"Dudes, dudes, chill," laughed Drew. "Let's worry about sports next time there's a game. Meanwhile, I totally call Yoshi for Mario Party!"

"Dude, no way!" I said. (Note the often usage of "dude") "You totally knew that Yoshi was my character!"

"Meanwhile, I'll have Toad," Randy said, grinning. "Dudes, Yoshi is just some messed up green dinosaur with a ridiculous tongue. Hey...is he a guy or a girl? Everyone says he's a guy, but he lays eggs."

"Good point..." said Drew. "Never mind, I'll have Dry Bones."

"Whatever. It's not like I hair," I said with a "psh" air. "Besides, Yoshi just happens to be my messed up green dinosaur with a ridiculous tongue. I'll keep him."

We played Mario Party on the Wiis, and we were acting pretty stupid. Well, my parents weren't home, so can you honestly blame three fifteen year old guys (well, just ignore the fact that I'm secretly a girl...)? We were jumping up and down, ran all over the place, threw chips at each other, and so on.

At six thirty, the pizza we ordered had arrived. I bought three boxes – yes, one box for each of us – cheese, paid the pizza guy, and carried them downstairs. We each ate our boxes while talking about Final Fantasy, which was pretty boring. Well, not to me, I mean. But if you were listening to us and you barely heard of Final Fantasy, you would be pretty bored and confused.

After eating the pizza, we played more video games. Then Drew said that we should invite Hank and Norman over, because they lived on my street, so I gave them a quick call and they arrived in minutes. After I stopped gloating about my house (took me about twenty minutes), they came into the basement. After I stopped gloating about my video games (took me another twenty minutes), we finally sat down and killed each other on Wii.

"So, dude, does your sister have a boyfriend?" asked Hank. Norman, Drew and Randy groaned, and I sighed.

"Dude, are you still hung up on her?" I asked, giving Hank a slightly annoyed look. Hank looked at me and shrugged. "Dude I can't help it if she's, uh, she's a thirty-four D, I believe."

"Pervert alert!" sang Randy. The rest of us laughed.

Rhetorical Question: So why am I a girl, hanging out with guys, listening to them talk about girls? Well, same goes for Randy, except he's not a girl. He's just gay.

"So, Terrence, you see any cute girls you meet?" asked Norman, grinning, obviously interested. The other guys hunched in and stared at me, interested as well. Inside of me, I panicked and stuttered out, "Uh...no," as I was sure my face went red. Drew grinned.

"Dude, he's totally lying!" he called to the other guys. They laughed and Drew said, "Man, tell us who it is! Tell the truth!"

"The truth?" I gulped. "Er...the truth is, I still have a girlfriend back in Minnesota. We keep in touch online."

"Dude, long-distance relationships never work," said Hank. "Don't you know? You're a smart guy."

"Yeah, well, me and Becky are still together," I lied, sputtering the words out.

"Really?" said Hank, nodding. "Impressive. So, is she hot?"

"Excuse me, but I'd really prefer it if you stop butting into my life," I snapped. (My time of month...) Hank looked taken aback. "Chill, dude. Sorry. I was just wondering."

"Yeah, well, you shouldn't," I muttered. The guys looked at me, looked at each other, and shrugged. Thank God for carelessness.

As they talked about girls, I learned a few things about Drew: no, he was not gay, he had two girlfriends in his light (in eighth and ninth grade) but they didn't work out because he dumped them both. Even though it had looked like they were both "nerdy" kind of girls--the kind he liked--he realized that they both acted like superficial sluts. Randy looked kinda down at the fact that Drew dated girls - which kinda creeped me out - so I went over to him.

"Hey, dude, you alright?" I asked. Randy was quiet, not saying anything. I took that as a no.

After we had truced, he was telling me about gay people, although I was still confused. Like, he didn't think much of girls, he thought of them the same way non-gay guys think of girls. I mean, when they hang out with guys, I guess, they would probably act kind of girly, but apparently, Randy didn't like being gay, so he tried to be as masculine as possible. But, like, when he started to have a crush on Drew, he couldn't help his gay side. He told me that when he was little, he usually played with girls, so guys never really hung out with him. So when he moved to California, he was trying to be...well, less feminine. If I had barely knew him, I wouldn't think twice about him being straight. He was pretty good.

"Er, yeah," lied Randy, trying to lighten up. He took a bite of his pizza absentmindedly, and then put the slice down. Norman stole one of his slices, but Randy shrugged. "Can we got back to playing Mario Party?"

We did, and Randy resumed his chipper mood. It was going to be difficult, though, being a boy. I mean, so care, as a dude, I've been asked out by two girls I've never met earlier in my life. But I'm a girl who happens to look like a girl. So I had to reject them. (Nicely) One of the girls was a slut named Delilah. The other girl was a "nerd" named Kiana. If I was a dude, I probably would have gone with Kiana, but after I rejected Delilah, Hank came up to me and said, "Dude, that girl has a huge rack. Why did you reject her?" But then, I didn't tell them about "Becky". Besides, Hank is way too sex-obsessed.

Yeah, way too perverted.

Well, I guys are like this. Except for Randy. But only because he's...gay.

"So, dude, when are your parents getting back?" asked Norman as it was Drew's turn. I shrugged.

"I dunno, like, ten-ish?" I suggested.

"Hey, Randy, do you have any sisters I can hit on?" asked Hank, smiling pervertedly. Randy grinned and put his hands up. "Sorry, dude. None. Only a little brother. And he's two."

"Do you have any siblings, Drew?" I wondered. He nodded.

"Yeah," he replied. "Two older sisters; both in college, and a little sister I"m the only dude in my family. My parents are divorced, and I live with my mom."

"Oh," I said. I kinda felt sorry for him then. Well, then again, I was the only "guy" in my family, besides my dad. Kind of.

"Yeah, my parents are divorced too," said Hank. "I have to change buses every week, so I alternate who I spend time with. It's cool and all, but it's really annoying. I mean, I need to remember who's week's with who. I guess it's not so hard to remember from what I say, but sometimes I'm just like, 'Wait, which bus should I take today?' for like a second before I, um, remember."

"Dude, you just said 'remember,' twice in one sentence," laughed Norman.

"Nerd," I coughed.

We continued playing Mario Party until we got so bored that Drew, Norman and I gave up on playing and went to play pool. Hank and Randy played some more for a while (Randy continued to be Toad, and Hank was Dry Bones. To everyone's surprise, even Randy's, Toad won our fifteenth round) until they got bored as well, and then started playing foosball.

Drew aimed his stick at the white ball, and hit the red ball into the hold, and, smirking, he thumped the bottom against the carpet. Before going to hit the solid blue ball that was wobbling dangerously next to the hole next to me, he looked at Norman and said, "Dude, are you still with Sienna? I heard Jeff saying that some dude named Wilson was making out with her at Starbucks.

"What?!" said Norman angrily. Sienna was his girlfriend since the summer; she was popular, and she was slutty-ish, but she was really nice. Besides, asked the girl in me, what kind of girl would ditch Norman? He was really nice, wasn't a total asshole (he has his moments), was even-tempered and was cute. Not like I was going to say that...to anyone. Maybe he was just like that when he was around dudes. Pity Randy doesn't like him. It's not like I do - I still love Drew. But I mean, seriously.

"Dude, talk about it with her," I said. "Ask her if it's true."

"You can be damn sure I'm gonna talk to her about it," said Norman, gritting his teeth as Drew hit the blue ball in the hold and angling his stick for the third solid ball, the green one. I put a supportive hand.

"Dude, chill," I said. "She'll probably act normal around you and not letting you find out. Confront her about it."

"But what if she denies it?" asked Norman, lifting up his stick; Drew missed the green ball. I rolled my eyes.

"Please. She won't," I said. "Girls aren't stupid, you know."

"Why not?" asked Norman. "And you're just saying that because you have Becky." I rolled my eyes. There is such a better and truthful reason than that.

Boys. They're so clueless.

"She'll know that you'll hear the gossip sometime," I pointed out. Norman nodded understandingly.

Why are guys such idiots?

Moral: There comes a time when playing pool is cooler than playing Mario Party 8.