~*~ Say Anything ~*~
It was a rainy morning as Aya sat on the sill of the window in her apartment's bedroom and
looking down on the streets and people rushing about their business. It had been raining all
morning long and it didn't look like it would stop raining soon either. Aya leaned against
the window and remembered all that had happened only some hours earlier.
"No, I think you should stop now" Aya pleaded her longtime friend and current lover to
put down his glass of liquor. Only a grunt was heard as a reply. "Hideto, please..." she
tried pleading again but this time her friend's hand grabbed hers and she looked up to the
man.
"Aya" he spoke, "You should leave now and go home. We'll see each other some other day, but
now just let me be" and with that he got up from the armchair he had been sitting in
andwalked to the bar cabinet to get himself another drink.
"But I can't leave you like this" Aya got irritated. "When you're drunk you'll end up doing
stupid things and will get in trouble for sure. I can't let you throw your own health away
like that-"
"I don't need a mother, Aya, I already have one" Hideto also got angrier by the second and
now was almost yelling. "And whether you like it or not I'm actually old enough to have a
drink when I want to and you're in no position to say otherwise. If it's impossible for you
to comprehend then it's impossible for us to even continue our relationship" Hideto filled
his glass again and fell back into his armchair.
Aya was taken back by the statement his lover had said out loud. "You don't mean it" she
whispered and took a step towards her lover who wasn't paying even a slightest attention to
her and was playing with his phone, bouncing it back and forth from one hand into the other.
"Why are you so cold to me?" she asked as she reached behind the armchair Hideto was loafing
in. He turned around and looked at her.
"Don't you think it's gone on long enough? You're always acting like this and it makes me
mad. I don't need to be told what to do and guidance how to live. It's MY life, goddammit,
and you're acting like you're my keeper" he ended and stood in front of Aya who felt scared
and took three steps back. "Leave now. I've had enough" Hideto pointed towards the door.
"Are you sure? I could-" Aya started but was interrupted by Hideto who grabbed her arms and
shook her violently. "You're hurting me" she whispered, looking down on the floor. The smell
of alcohol from Hideto's breath brushing her skin was almost unbearable.
"GO! NOW!" Hideto shouted and shoved Aya away but she tripped behind the carpet and fell,
hitting her head in the process. She got up and hit Hideto's arms when he was trying to help
her up. All it took was a fraction of a second when Aya's hand slapped her lover's face.
"I hate you" she hissed and turned to run away from him with tears falling from her eyes.
She ran out of the door of his apartment, ignoring her formal lover's voice calling her.
The clouds were on the verge of breaking in half and dumping tons of water in form of rain
on the unsuspecting people as Aya rushed towards her apartment. Hideto's words had deeply
wounded her. She felt used and ashamed. All she wanted was to assure Hideto would be happy
and safe but it all had backfired tonight as he had told her she had been nothing but a pain
in the rear and kicked her out of his apartment and his life. Aya took a step to the left
and was on a small sidestreet almost unnoticed from the mainstreet and leaned her back
against a wall. As if ordered, the clouds broke apart and it started raining heavily. Aya
looked up to the sky and let the rain drench her and hide her tears which were flowing down
from her eyes. She slid down on the wall, curling into a little ball. Her whole world had
collapsed in matter of minutes and she felt empty and alone for the first time in years. He
had been the centre of everything for her and now she had no-one to lean on to cry. She was
on her own. The rain continued to fall down as she got up and slowly walked to her
apartment.
Aya hadn't moved even a single muscle as she observed the world moving outside her window.
She had been sitting like that all night long, thinking about the events of previous night.
Hideto had probably went drinking with his friends. Maybe I was too hard on him she
thought as she lifted her hand to slide her fingers along the glass and continued to stare
at the world passing by when the phone inside her apartment rang. Once. Twice. After the
third ringing the answering machine started recording the message. Aya didn't even bother to
listen to the voice of the caller as she closed her eyes and leaned out of the window,
inhaling the fresh air that the rain always brought with itself. The phone rang again; the
caller must have not bothered to leave a message and desperately tried to reach Aya. There
was about 5 minutes before the phone rang for the third time. But this time the caller
decided to leave a message because when Aya moved from her spot next to the window, a red
light on the machine indicating a message was flashing. Aya pressed the 'play' button and
fell backwards when she heard the voice of the caller.
"Aya, it's me... Listen, I'm so so sorry about when I pushed you... I really don't want to
lose you. Please come over to my apartment, I want to apologize for my actions. I know it
was wrong of me to say those things and I didn't even mean any of them. Just come here...
Please... I really need you..." Hideto's voice pleaded, sounding like he was truly sorry
about what he had done to Aya.
"We have nothing to talk about anymore" Aya whispered as she stared at her answering
machine. "You didn't need me and I accepted that. I truly loved you with all of my heart and
soul but you decided to throw it away. Why should I believe you now?" she asked but only
silence surrounded her.
The following hour was a struggle between concern and umbrage. Aya knew she was forced to
leave but she couldn't shake the feeling of something being horribly wrong. What if
something had happened to Hideto? What if he got into an accident? What if he really
regretted his actions? Aya tried to shut her mind from these questions and made a decision.
She put on her coat and stepped outside into the pouring rain, making her way to Hideto's
apartment.
The door was unlocked as usual and Aya stepped inside Hideto's home. All she could hear was
silence surrounding the whole place. There were some empty bottles of alcohol lying on the
floor but no sign of her ex. She moved around trying not to make too much noise and headed
for the kitchen. That's when she saw him. Her scream echoes off the walls of the apartment
as she looked at her lover's body suspending from his bathroom doorknob by a towel tied
around his neck. Her eyes widened and with a mewl she slowly took a step backwards, tripping
over the same carpet she had tripped on only a few hours ago, landing roughly on the floor.
She let out a yelp and crawled away from Hideto's lifeless body, hiding behind the cupboard
in the hallway. She tried to calm herself and get her breathing under control. After what
seemed like an eternity she moved from her hiding place and stood up. Hideto's body was
still there, not moving nor breathing. Aya forced her legs to move and walked towards him.
She sat down next to him and a tear fell from her eye as she brushed her hand against
Hideto's face. It was still warm and she could have sworn he was still alive. She found a
broken piece of a bottle and placed it on her wrist. "I love you" she whispered and was
closing her eyes when a movement caught her attention. She literally jumped up when Hideto's
finger seemed to flinch and she let out a terrified scream. But this was still her lover who
would never intentionally hurt her so she moved closer again. Listening for any signs of
life she stayed silent and finally tried finding any pulse in his body. She wasn't sure at
first so she tried finding it again. It was still there - weak but enough to be noticed if
looked for. Quickly, she got up and ran to the phone, dialing the number for ambulance.
The brigade arrived only 10 minutes later and carefully placed Hideto's body on the carrier
as they moved him into the ambulance wagon. Aya just sat on the pavement, watching all of
what was happening as if she was elsewhere, in some other world. The doctor said something
to her but she didn't even hear it and just nodded to the man. The ambulance left, taking
Hideto to the hospital to save his life, but Aya still sat there in the rain.
"Hey, miss, are you alright?" somebody asked. "You've been sitting here for a half an hour
already and I fear you'll get a fever if you won't get something to warm you up" he
continued.
"Thank you, but I'll be fine" Aya said and got up, going back to Hideto's apartment, not
bothering to even lock the door behind her. She crawled into his bed and pulled the blankets
over her soaking wet form. All of her emotions disengaged and she wept for her lover and
finally fell asleep on the pillow she had cried into.
The sound of her phone ringing woke her up some hours later. She shot up from the bed and
ran to her coat that held her cell. She didn't even look at the caller ID when she answered
the call.
"Moshi moshi?
"I'm calling from the hospital. Am I speaking to miss Aya?" a voice asked over the
phone.
"Yes, This is her" Aya almost jumped up. "Is this about Hideto? How is he?" she asked from
the man who she presumed was the doctor. There was silence on the other end at first but
then the doctor spoke again.
"I regret to inform you that he died on the way to the hospital. We did our best to keep him
alive but failed..." the man kept speaking as Aya 's phone fell on the floor and broke into
pieces. She just stared at the bottle still lying on the floor. Unable to move or even say
something, she fell on her knees and tears bursted out of her again.
The funeral was held a week later. Aya stood there and thanked everyone for coming but her
eyes were empty as she shook the guests hands. When Yoshiki, Hideto's former bandmate, made
a speech, Aya listened to him only by halves. The thought of him not being alive anymore
hadn't even sank in yet. When the funeral ended she went back to Hideto's apartment,
cleaning it spotless to keep her thought away from the thought that he was truly gone. When
she saw an empty bottle of liquor. Without much thought she picked it up and threw it
against the wall. The bottle shattered into millions of tiny shards and Aya fell on her
knees.
"Why? Why did you have to go?" she wept. "Why did you leave me all alone?" She looked
through her tear-filled eyes and picked up a piece of glass from the floor. "I can't live
without you" she sobbed and placed the glass on her wrists like she had on the night when
she had found Hideto's body. With a gulp she pushed the glass to shred her skin. "I can't go
on without you" she whispered as a reassurance to her actions.
Don't. Aya opened her eyes. She was alone in the apartment so where could the voice
be coming from? Assuming that she must be losing her mind, Aya turned her attention back to
the piece of glass in her hand. Stop the silent whisper sounded again.
"Hideto?" Aya silently asked. There was no chance that he was there with her but she had
heard his voice, she was sure of it. "Hideto?" she asked again, louder this time. "Are you
here? Say something! Anything..." Only silence was a reply but she was convinced that he was
watching her at the moment. She looked down at the glass in her hand and dropped it on the
floor. "I'm so sorry, please forgive me" she pleaded to no-one.
The weather is sunny and the birds are happily singing as a woman enters the gates of the
graveyard. She knows the way to the specific tombstone she came to visit today. As she
reaches to the grave, she places a pair of deep red roses on top of the tombstone and lapses
onto the ground.
"It's been ten years already... I've missed you so much" she whispers and wipes off a single
tear falling from her eye. "I wanted to join you that day but you stopped me. Thank you for
taking care of me even when you're no longer here beside me in physical form. One day I
shall join you in where ever you are. Please wait for me until that day..." and with that
she lets the tips of her fingers gloss over the tombstone of her lover. She gets up,
brushing the dirt off from her clothes and turns to leave. But before that she turns around,
giving the grave one last look. "I will love you forever."
m(_ _)m
"I believed
If time passes, everything
turns into beauty
If the rains stop, tears clean
the scars of memory away
Everything starts weaning fresh colors
Every sound begins playing
a heartfelt melody
Jealousy embelishes a page of the epic
Desire is embraced in a dream
But my mind is still in chaos and....."
hide-sama, may your eternal soul rest with angels guarding it.
R.I.P
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