Clutched tightly in my pale thin hands, a single white rose stared up at me, its color signifying purity in my eyes. Because that's what I thought of him. I thought he was so pure-hearted, nothing could crush him, and nothing could drag him down from his happy disposition. The white petals contrasted greatly with my attire, consisting of a simple black dress, not too showy, not too plain. The rose head hovered right over my heart, where he would forever remain within me. Because that's how he was, never too showy, never too plain. He attracted others, sometimes even unintentionally. All those that made him smile he held dear to him, placing them close to his heart where they were protected. And I had hoped I was as close to his heart as he is to mine.
It's been over ten years since our first encounter. Ten years and five months to be exact, and I could never forget how he had changed my life so much. Just one person---one person, could change my life in so many ways. I often thought of how I would be if we had not met each other at that little park; fate obviously brought us together that day, but just as soon as this always sprout in my thoughts, another one surface: had fate meant for us at all to meet again? Standing in the crowd of bawling teenagers and adults, I would had blended in well, had it not been for the loose beanie jammed over my head---That mix of colors of red, yellow, blue, orange, and to top it off, two yarn strings came down from the two pointed tops, like ears; it just stood out. Each day I wore that beanie, and even if I couldn't wear it when I went out, I wore it to sleep or wore in while in my room. Nothing was as dear to me as that beanie was. Whenever I held it in my hands, running my fingers over the smooth material, I could still feel his aura, his touch lingering. It was as if he was right there with me, holding onto the beanie as I was.
I had been jerked away from my thoughts of nostalgia when a megaphone cracked, screeched, then a desperately pleading voice cried out to the sea of sorrow and mourning. "Everyone! hide-sama is not with us any longer, but he is living through us, his spirit is present today, right here! He has now ascended to the heavens, upon the highest cloud, smiling down upon us to comfort our tears! He will never be forgotten, never! Never! Nev---" And at that point, the young woman with the megaphone couldn't handle the pain anymore and her legs crumbled from underneath her, her body collapsing to the ground from the grief that took a hard blow at her. Her loud cries were heard loud and clear, and she buried her face in her hands, muffling her lamentful weeping. Followed by her breakdown, numerous other deeply stricken fans went down with her, many tightly squeezing their hide dolls or pictures or other merchandise of hide's close to their chests, and a flood of tears encased us all. I hated myself for not falling to the ground in suit, hugging one of them to share the sorrow and even clutch the hide doll in my arms even tighter than I had already done so. I had purchased the doll long ago, when I finally found out who Matsumoto Hideto really was.
"Okaasan!" I called, running in through the front door, my short legs rushing into the house as I kicked off my shoes, eagerly heading for the kitchen to get a snack too eat.
"Tadaima!" My mother usually left the T.V on when I came home, and I usually ignored it and proceeded up to my room to finish up any homework. I was already wearing the beanie on my head since I had raced out of the classroom and ran home, smiling the whole way as I put the beanie on. Today seemed different, though, and some strange force seemed to whisper in my ear to go to the T.V, to see what was going on. That same force, grabbed my legs and lifted them up in a walking motion, each step drawing me closer and closer to the television set. And when I had finally been shoved down into the couch by the strange force, by eyes were boggling.
It was him. Matsumoto Hideto, that one man I had been searching for all this time, for three years now, was on the screen, accompanied by four other men. They were discussing someone about upcoming live shows, with immediately gave away he was in a famous band, obviously the guitarist since that was what he had sitting upon his lap.
"So, hide-san, your birthday is coming up soon?" the announcer mentioned, looking down that their paper as if to check if this information was correct.
"Hai, that's correct, it's on one of the live shows we're having," he confirmed, offering up that smile I had yearned for for three years.
"Eeeehhh, that most famous people in Japan right now... definitely the show will be sold out!" the announcer said in amazement.
Just at that moment, my mother walked in with the laundry. "Ah, Kohaku-chan! Okaerinasai! Are you watching the T.V. I left on?" she asked, noticing how my attention was completely given away to the T.V screen.
"Okaasan, do you know this band?" I asked her, ripping my eyes away for a short while to inquire about this.
"Let's see," she paused to watch for a little bit, "Oh, X Japan! Yes, I have heard quite a lot about them. Apparently even the Prime Minister is a fan of them!" she said with a chuckle. "I don't seem to mind, it's good there's finally a change in music style around here," and with that she continued to go and fold the laundry.
Ever since I had learned he was part of the most famous band in all of Japan, I immediately began to buy their albums, listening to them every day. No doubt I instantly fell in love with their music, and even though I was only ten years old at the time, I felt as if I knew what love was, and that my love was directed straight at hide. Many times I questioned this, if it was love or just a strong admiration. I figured out later I loved him so much, as a friend and even more, despite the large gap in age difference. I felt as if that didn't matter, and I knew that's probably as far as I was going to get with him. Childish love was what I thought it was, but I just had the strong urge to always be with him, and maybe it wasn't romantic love, but just being near him, I felt safe and happy. Bringing myself back to the present, I felt a twang of pain strike at my heart as I saw two girls, best friends, holding each other and slumping down against the wall of a building, both of them holding one picture of hide in a frame. Their tears glittered, and I realized suddenly that today was extremely overcast for a summer day in May.
Because of hide's death, I thought, even the sun can't show its joyful rays for it too is mourning. For some strange reason, ever since I first heard of his death, I had not shed one tear. But this burning pain kept swelling up in my chest, sometimes tightening up to much it became hard to breathe. Even then, I did not crash down and bawl over the greatest loss that ever occurred in my life. I want to slap myself and beat myself over and over again for being so heartless like this. Why hadn't I cried? One of the most important people to me had just passed away, but here I was, just standing like an idiot, not even getting tears to brim my eyes. Each person was allowed to pay their respects by praying and presenting their flower as a symbol of their condolences, but not directly to the casket. If this was the case, then fans would be clawing at the coffin, crying their eyes out and trying to embrace the body inside. A shiver flew up my spine as I thought of that body, once so full of life and joy, suddenly so cold and pale, dead to the world forever. At long last I was able to place my flower down on the white clothed table, clasped my hands together, and prayed for his safe trip to Heaven. Nee, hide-san... that promise you made me so long ago... Do you remember it? Did you keep it?
Holding out his pinky, hide gave me a playful grin. I stuck out my pinky as well, and we linked ours together. "I promise that I will never forget little Marume Kohaku-chan! And we'll always be friends, ok? Are you going to miss me?"
I nodded and hugged him. "Of course I'll miss you! You're the first friend I've ever made and now you're leaving!" He hugged me back at these words, and I saw his lively eyes become sad when I said that.
"I'll always be with you, ok Kohaku-chan?"
I smiled as I remembered this from our first and last encounter. I prayed everyday that you would remember me, hide-san, prayed that we would meet again. I stepped back from the table, hugging my hide doll close to me and walked away, still not even feeling the tears welling up in my eyes. I heard much fussing about from the fans, and realized they were gathering around someone in front of a microphone. It was Yoshiki, leader, drummer, and pianist for X Japan; behind him were a trembling Heath, Pata, and Toshi, all trying to hold back their tears but failing horribly. In Yoshiki's shaky hands, he gripped at a piece of paper, trying his best to hold it steady to read, but I figured that it didn't matter, since the tears in his eyes were already clouding his vision. Though he had on sunglasses, I knew his eyes were red from sobbing earlier.
He read as best as he could the speech with a quivering voice: "I'm very shocked to hear about his death. I still can't believe what has happened. Right now, he's sleeping with a beautiful face. I tried to wake him up many times, but he's still sleeping. Between the five of us, hide was the one who kept his calm and thought out things. Even though I was the leader, he was the calm one who gave me good advice when I was being short tempered and emotional. Of course with all that pressure, he too almost lost his identity. But during those hard times, he'd always give me a call. We would talk about X, music, friends, life, fans, almost anything. He was like a big brother to me and sometimes like a young brother too. We'd drink together and sometimes fight. But the next day, he'd come to me and say, "Yoshiki, have I done something last night? I'm sorry, I don't remember a thing." But this time, he didn't say anything back to me... sleeping. To all fans and friends, you must all be confused. I also cannot express this sadness in words, but we must understand and accept this painful reality. Everyone please watch over his eternal sleep warmly." I knew he was about ready to break down, but he braved it and walked away from the microphone, and I knew he was now crying. He was trying his best to stay strong for all of the fans. Not even his speech made me weep, and confusion filled my thoughts.
What did this mean, that I didn't cry for hide? Unable to bear the ache welling up in my chest again, I weaved my way out of the horde of screaming and bawling fans. I had to get out of here now, because it was soon starting to become hard to breathe again. I kept my head down the whole time I walked, holding the hide doll so close now it added to the pain I felt in my chest. I could feel the beanie atop my head bob as I walked, not even noticing where I was going. "Oof!" I cried out, stumbling backwards from my bumping into someone. Lifting only my eyes, a gasp was emitted from my throat when I realized who it was. "A-ah.. ano... I'm really sorry about that, Yoshiki-san," I apologized with a bow. How was it that I was so calm around this man, someone who was so famous and popular all over the country?
I could tell he didn't entirely want to say anything to give away the fact that he had been crying for hours and that his voice was still raspy from it, but I noticed his eyes lingered on me for a moment, then a little longer. "That beanie..." he suddenly uttered.
I finally lifted my whole head up to get a better look at him. "Huh?"
"I gave that beanie to hide as a birthday present ten years ago, right before we got into a fight and he stormed off," he trailed, "it was one of a kind, it was custom made. How is it you have it?" His voice, though it was raspy as I had expected, now held a new tone of curiosity and wonder.
"That is.. that's because..." I left off, speechless as if I had forgotten completely how to speak.
I thought that my eyes might have been deceiving me, but the corners of Yoshiki's mouth twitched, as if to try and offer up a smile. "Little Marume Kohaku-chan," he finally stated, nodding his head once.
My eyes widened in surprise. "Eh? How do you know my name?" Is it possible... my prayers were answered, hide-san? Did you remember me after all?
"You're the little girl hide met ten years ago at that park, aren't you?" he clarified.
I looked down at my feet once again, "Well, not so little anymore," I corrected, then took a look around me to figure out where I had walked to. It turns out it was behind the temple where the funeral services were held.
His reply caught me by surprise. "That day, hide and I got into the biggest fight. And... he yelled at me, how he was quitting X Japan and how he hated it all. I was really devastated and distressed because of this. I decided to let him calm down before I called him to ask him to come back," he started, glancing up at me with a sad smile, "And when he picked up the phone, he told me he was sorry and that he found something to inspire him to continue X Japan. When he returned, I sat there for an hour listening to his story about how he met you, how he tried his best to help you get rid of your shyness, how he thought you were the cutest little kid." At this he laughed lightly, then continued, "And he would always tell me how he was glad he met you. Every year at his birthday he would tell us, 'Hey remember how I met that little girl Kohaku-chan at the park on this day?' He made it seem as if you were the reason he continued with X Japan."
My whole body was quaking with the emotions taking over. Finally, my brain was pummeled with the emotions and sorrow it had blocked off earlier, and as soon as my legs began to feel weak like jelly, I collapsed to the ground, screaming out and crying harder than I ever had before. Thank you, hide-san... You didn't break your promise, you didn't forget me.
"Marume-san! Daijoubuu?" he asked, worried and kneeling down to see if I was ok. In fact, as soon as the tears overflowed from my eyes, the pain in my chest subsided, and I felt so much better.
"I loved hide-san so much, I always wanted to see him again. Without him, I probably would not have opened myself up to life. I was so shy before he came along," I bawled and tried to say in between my hiccups and sobs.
I could tell Yoshiki was starting to cry all over again, and he put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. "Arigatou, Marume-san." Then, his strong shield he had encased himself in shattered, and he broke out just as I had done so. "Doushite? Doushite? Why did this happen?" He couldn't hold back the flood that was pouring from his swollen blood-shot eyes.
I let out a staggered breath, unsure of what to answer with. At first I thought he was going to give me a false answer, but then I blurted out, "I don't know why this happened, and I wish it never did. But because he died, it must have been for something good to happen." I knew he could tell I still doubted my words for a moment, but I continued on, "I don't mean his death was good, but out of something horrible, light always blooms in the middle of it. Something good will happen soon, and in order for that to happen, we shouldn't sulk about it forever."
Yoshiki stared up at me in wonder. "You only knew him for a day... yet you believe in him and care so much." He sniffed and wiped his tears away with his sleeve. "I know I can't forget this just yet. But I'll remember your words." He forced a smile to banish away the cloud of sorrow around him, and he stood up, offering his hand to me to help me up as well. "Right now, the rest of X Japan and I are going to go perform the song Forever Love once last time... before that take away the coffin. This maybe be strange, since I hardly know you... but I want you to be in the front row to watch."
I was touched, and soon took his hand to stand up, following him to the back entrance of the temple. There I met with the rest of the X Japan members, and upon seeing the beanie, I think they already knew who I was. I felt awkward, since I had barely even know hide to begin with, yet I was being placed in sigh a high position. The band members filed into the temple, with me behind. Before they reached the stage where they were to perform, I caught a glimpse of the coffin containing his body. I bit my lip and walked on, taking a seat in the front row. Each of the members of X Japan had on sunglasses, blocking the view of their red sagging eyes from crying. The singer, Toshi, picked up the microphone, and as soon as Yoshiki finished the intro to the song, opened his mouth to sing;
"Mou hitori de arukenai
toki no kaze ga tsuyosugite
Ah kizu tsuku koto nante
nareta hazu dakedo ima wa...
Ah kono mama dakishimete
nureta mama no kokoro wo
kawari tsutzukeru kono toki ni
kawaranai ai ga aru nara
Will you hold my heart
namida uketomete mou kowaresoun all my heart
Forever love forever dream afureru omoi dake ga
hageshiku setsunaku jikan wo umetsukusu
Oh tell me why All I see is blue in my heart
Will you stay with me kaze ga sugisaru made mata
afuredasu all my tears
Forever love forever dream kono mama soba ni ite
yoake ni furueru kokoro wo dakishimete
oh stay with me
AH subete ga owareba ii
owari no nai kono yoru ni
AH ushinau mono nante
nani mo nai anata dake
Forever love forever dream kono mama soba ni ite
yoake ni furueru kokoro wo dakishimete
Ah will you stay with me
kaze ga sugisaru made mou dare yori mo soba ni
Forever love forever dream kore ijou arukenai
Oh tell me why oh tell me true
oshiete ikiru imi wo
Forever love forever dream afureru namida no naka
kagayaku kisetsu ga eien ni kawaru made Forever love."
My face streaked down with tears, and I glanced down at my hide doll, holding it close to me for comfort. As the members of X Japan walked off the stage without a word, I followed quickly after them, trying to wipe the tears away. The pain was evident in Toshi's voice, Yoshiki's playing... It reached out and grasped the hearts of everyone listening.
We walked out, just as all the men picked up hide's coffin, carrying it out of the temple and to the back entrance again to load into the car that was heading for the burial site. Once the men set down the coffin, an older woman, maybe in her late twenties or early thirties, approached the casket and laid her hand on top of it, the other hand clasped over mouth tightly to suppress her cries. The other X Japan members came to comfort her, and helped her walk away from the cased dead body and into a chair. She was on the brink of crumpling down to the ground. I recalled somewhere in the news report about two days after hide's death saying his girlfriend found him suspended by the door knob with a towel. I had figured this woman was she, and I felt sorry for her. She was the one who had to find him, strangled like that; no one should have to see their lover in such pain and then dying from it.
Emerging from the back temple entrance were an older couple, maybe in their sixties, and a man about the same age as hide's girlfriend. I took a guess that it was his family, both of his parents and his younger brother, Hiroshi. A complex feeling washed over me as I watched this scene from afar. It was as if a movie was rolling, and I had front row seats to something I wish I didn't have to witness.
Turning away from the mourning and back to the casket, I ran my hand along the smooth covering, now accepting the tears and letting them fall freely, but I did not make any crying noises at all. "Nee... hide-san," I whispered, "Thank you so much for that day. We are still friends, right? And you'll always be with me? Pinky promise?" A light breeze blew by, tossing my hair around in it, and I smiled when I thought I heard his voice answering me in the wind, still light and free, almost as if he were laughing. I uttered out a small giggle when I even felt like he was poking at my once chubby cheeks again.
"Pinky promise, Little Marume Kohaku-chan."
thanks for reading! R.I.P, hide-san...
