"Dudes, I am so excited!" screamed Claire. "We're going to Hogwarts for a year to learn magic and stuff!"
"Yeah," said Maggie. "I already have my wand!"
She held up a dry, brittle twig with poo on the end.
"Mags?" Ola wrinkled her nose. "That's a twig with crap on the end."
"Ey!" Maggie went into a dueling stance. "I'll have you know that my wand has so much power, it's intense."
Ola also went into the dueling stance which, in this story, was a position in which you get ready to shake your booty because these aren't any ordinary duels. These are...
"DANCE OFF!" Draco screamed as he burst into the compartment wearing nothing but a Superman hat and robes with Kirby in multiple fighting positions on it.
"Draco? What the Snapple is that?" Claire asked, pointing.
"It's Kirby!" He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Don't you know who Kirby is?"
"OF COURSE we know who Kirby is, you dolt!" Claire said, smacking him upside the head. "My question is, how do YOU know who Kirby is and WHY is he the only thing you're wearing?"
"Ha ha, Claire, you're so funny!" Draco said, flopping his hand. "EVERYONE knows that Kirby is all the rage right now!"
"How do you know my name?" Claire asked with wide eyes.
He pointed to her nametag which read: Hi. Welcome to WHORES R' US. My name is Claire.
"Ugh! Claire!" Ola clutched her head. "You forgot to take it off!"
She then began trying to pry it off but was glued to Claire's shirt. Ola grabbed the edges of the nametag, wedged her toes into the space between the bottom of the seat and the floor and pulled, but to no avail. "Gahr, it's not coming off!" she grunted.
"I have an idea!" said Draco with a grin. He walked around and wrapped his arms around Claire's midsection while Ola got another grip on the edges of the nametag. "Okay," Draco said. "Now pull!"
"WAIT!" Maggie screamed, flailing her arms about. "Wait!" Draco, Claire and Ola froze. "Wait!" She continued to flail her arms. Students who had been milling around in the train corridors stood still. "Wait!" More flailing. Somewhere, Harry Potter stopped mid-hump. "WAIT!" The train stopped. "WAAAAAAAIIIT!" In Azkaban, a Dementor froze right before administering the Kiss.
"Yes, I'm saved!" the man said, scrambling to escape.
"Oh, sorry," Maggie said. "You can all go ahead."
The students continued walked. Harry made to start up again, but Cho looked at him, said "You know, now that I've had a moment, you're kind of ugly," and walked away.
"Damn you, Maggie!" Harry screamed angstily. "I'll have my vengeance if it's the last thing I EVER do!""
The conductor swore and started the train up again. The Dementors caught the man, looked at each other, and bent the prisoner over. Bender edged his way into the room, his metal feet resounding off of the stone floor, and said "Ask not for whom the bone bones, it bones for thee," and slipped back out.
Ola, Claire and Draco looked expectantly at Maggie.
"Well?" they all chorused.
"I have an idea!" Maggie boomed.
"Oh, no..." Ola murmured.
"And what, pray tell, would that be?" Claire asked.
"I will use my magical expertise and my awesome wand," she held it up, "to remove the nametag. It can't fail!"
"You idiot!" Claire screamed. "That's stupid, impossible, and not to mention dangerous!"
Just then, Harry and Ron burst into the compartment, dragging a very reluctant Hermione.
"What are you three doing here?" Draco asked.
"Well," said Ron. "We heard 'stupid', 'impossible', and 'dangerous', and, well, that's just got our names written all over it, doesn't it?"
Claire, Maggie and Ola looked at each other before saying "Makes sense."
"Not me!" Harry quipped. "I'm here to get my vengeance on Maggie for making Cho realize what a twat I am!"
He shot a glare in her direction.
"Eep!" she squeaked. "Hide me!"
"Now, now," Hermione said, placing her bushy head between them. "Calm down. I'd like to see the reason I was dragged here for."
"Erm, yes, well." Maggie stepped out from behind Ola and stood. "I am going to attempt to remove Claire's nametag with my wand."
"Ooh, you've already got a wand?" Hermione asked brightly. "Let's see it then." Maggie proudly held up her wand. "That's a twig with crap on the end," Hermione said, blanching.
"That's what I said!" Ola exclaimed.
"It's better than mine!" Ron screamed. "Why am I so poor? WHY?!"
He fell to the ground and began flailing his hands and feet..
"Nuh uh!" Maggie said indignantly. "It's a magical wand and I'm using it!"
Just then, everything went into slow motion while the battle music from 'Lord of the Rings' played.
"Maggie, no!" Ola screamed in a distorted voice.
"Run for cover!" Hermione said, jumping up into the overhead luggage rack.
Harry hid behind a curtain. Ron quit his hissy-fit and rolled under a seat. Draco did and pirouette and Ola put her hands up in front of her face. People had their faces pressed up to the windows of the compartment and were watching in awe, at normal speed. Back inside the compartment, the music grew louder and Maggie raised her 'wand', in slow motion, of course.
"Nametagus removicus!" she screamed.
Her wand farted and everything went back to normal speed. Everyone came out from their hiding spot to see the results. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Ola and Maggie all peered at the nametag which was still pinned to Claire's breast. Yes, it was still there. The only difference was that it now read: Hi. Welcome to WHORES R' US. My name is Claire. How may I service you today?
"You made it worse!" Ola said. "You blithering idiot!"
"Actually," Claire said with a grin. "I rather like it!"
"No!" Ola flailed her arms about, hitting Ron in the face. "No, no, no!"
"She's right, you know," Hermione said. "You can't go to Hogwarts looking like that. Let me have a look at it, maybe I'll now a spell to get it off." Hermione moved closer and after a moment said "Are you wearing strawberry perfume?"
"No." Claire beamed. "It's a breast enlarging lotion, actually."
"REALLY?" Hermione asked, eyes wide. Then, in a whisper, "Do you think you could get me some? Ron hasn't said anything, he's sweet, you know, doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but I think he'd like it if I had larger... well, you know."
"Oh, no, absolutely, I've go-"
"Enough!" Ola said. "Listen. I'll grab her from behind, Maggie, you get a grip on the nametag, alright, ready? Pull!"
They pulled, and pulled, and pulled some more. But nothing. Maggie grabbed the nametag, pulled and placed one foot on each of Claire's shoulders. This didn't work, however, she DID launch herself backwards right into Harry.
"That's it!" Harry leapt up. "Let's go! Let's go!"
"You want a piece of me?" Maggie screeched, raising her wand while 'Piece of me' by Britney Spears began playing loudly.
"DANCE OFF!" Draco screamed joyously, clapping.
Rest In Results + Cbox!
mxblyts
There was booty shaking, popping and locking as there had never been before. It was legendary. Historians would come to record this event as "THE Dance Off of the Hogwarts Express" or, as it would come to be more commonly known, "The Ultimate Dance Off."
The nametag remained. Draco leapt down from his little hidey-hole, with his Superman hat, while 'Crank Dat' by Soulja Boy began playing, yelling "SUPA SOAK THAT HO!" soaking Claire. He then ripped off her shirt, screamed "BOOBIES!" before promptly burying his face in them.
"When did you get that tattoo?" Ola asked of Claire.
Harry and Maggie were still engaged in a dance off of epic proportions while Hermione and Ron rummaged through Claire's belongings for the lotion.
And so the saga begins...
Hi, everyone!
So, I just randomly thought this up, out of nowhere. I don't know. Just to make people laugh. I like it. And I have more ideas.
If I get positive feedback on this, via rates, comments, picks and messages, I'll make it into a series. Think of this as a trial :)
Sabina
P.S. I love this layout!
P.P.S. See the yellow cbox below? If you would like to send you a message every time I update this parody, leave a note in there. PLEASE leave a link back to your Quizilla or, if you don't have one, your email and I will either message or email you when I update. :)
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