I winced when Mikey said that, feeling my stomach drop. I knew Gerard hated me right now, but his little brother was crying in front of him and the rest of the band and I wasn't even responding to it, instead choosing to wallow in my own self pity. I knew I'd done wrong, I'd messed up big time, I'd opened my mouth and for the first time in my life I'd regretted something.
Frank and Ray were on the floor, comforting and hugging Mikey, whilst Gerard sat on the edge of one of the beds, forehead in his palm and hair spilling between his fingers.
Every time I shut my eyes, I saw a vision of a baby with light brown hair and bright, blue eyes. The facial structure was similar to Mikey's. There was definitely some of me there though.
"You're not a fag, Mikey. Bob didn't mean that. He was under pressure," I heard Ray's voice, followed by Frank's,
"He wouldn't normally say something like that, would he?"
His crying ceased a little and his breathing uneven, the occasional sharp intake of breath resulting in his entire body jolting.
I couldn't do this....
Unluckily for me, we were back to the tour bus that day, meaning I was stuck in a confide space with the others. For the first time ever I felt awkward, uncomfortable and unwanted by them. It didn't help that Mikey continuously shot glances in my direction, and his hand kept resting over his womb... thing.
I occasionally would overhear some kind of snide or rude comment from Gerard, followed by one of the guys sighing and telling him it was between Mikey and me. Regardless of how much they restrained from bitching about me, they still didn't talk to me. I wouldn't say I didn't deserve it but still... The tension could be cut with a knife.
Once I resigned to the fact I wasn't wanted right now I hid away in my bunk. This hole was my haven sometimes. My pathetic excuse for a private hideaway from Mikey, Gerard, Ray and Frank. When it got too hectic, or noisy, or rowdy, or much this is where I'd come. That, or the little recording studio Ray and me had built in the back which he was currently occupying.
"I'm sure it'll all blow over soon," I heard Frank's voice, "Talk to him when he comes back in."
So we were at a service station already? Obviously they thought I'd left the bus to buy food or cigarettes or something with the others.
"I'm scared, though. Fuck. I'm... Y'know..." Long sigh... "I'm with child. He's leaving me as a single parent."
A few moments silence followed with Mikey talking again, "Maybe I ought to just get rid or it, like an abortion, if I can even get one. It'll be easier in the long run I'll probably have other opportunities in the future."
"You can't make a rash decision like that you know. This is about what you want, because even if Bob won't, there are three of us who'd help look after you and your kid. I didn't know you wanted a kid anyway?"
It was obvious to tell Mikey was probably smiling a little right now, "I wasn't sure before, but even with unsettled hormones and everything my body's going through... This just feels so special. Having a child this way... It might be my only chance y'know? It feels amazing. Mikey sighed, "But I have to consider Bob's feelings too."
With all this guilt over whelming me, I didn't want him to consider me, I wanted him to consider himself, and I began to think perhaps it'd be easier for him to do so if I went home and they got a replacement drummer. Maybe it was selfish with such short notice but what hadn't I done already? What more damage could I possibly do?
"I'm gonna go grab some coffee. You know, one of those crappy vending machine ones. You want one?"
I could imagine Mikey grimacing right now, "Coffee Man, seriously."
Once I was sure Frank had left, I climbed out of my bunk, just to come face to face with Mikey. His face paled once he saw me.
"You heard our conversation didn't you?"
I nodded slowly, avoiding eye contact by looking to the floor beside his feet, "Mikey... I..."
"Bob... don't. I have to respect your wishes. If you don't want a child then fine, I'll book an abortion, and we'll carry on as if nothing ever happened. I just... I can't do this, if you're... if you're like this, you know?"
I knew I wouldn't be able to cope if Mikey had this baby. It'd be there constantly, and I would have no choice but to help. I mean, it takes two to tango, right?
I stayed silent, not quite sure what to say.
"You don't want this, do you?"
What was I meant to say?
"No Mikey, I don't, it's all a fucking huge mistake, and you're fucking me up something awful right now."
Yeah, give him something more to hate me about now.
"You said it all without saying anything Bob. I'll find out where the clinic is in the next town and I'll do it. You don't even have to come with me."
Stop. Right. THERE.
"No. Don't, Mikey you want this and I know you do and I don't want to be the one to get in the way of that. I've done enough already. When we get there, I'm leaving. Ask one of the techs to stand in and Ill disappear. Tell them my wrist is playing up again or something... I'll go home, I'll try and patch things up with Alice and if not then, then I'll work it out when I get to that stage. If I get to that stage."
"You cant just leave us!"
"I'm doing no good here. I'm just causing loads of arguments and you especially really don't need that."
"Fine. You know what just bail on us. I don't need you, no one needs you."
Come, come fit in, come, come, now I fit in. Yeah, I fit in the right size, standard like white guys, and French fries, I bat these eyes. I bat them black, nose bleeds like a hangnail. Desperate like a bake sale, going stale, I am going stale. ♥
So um, that was chapter 11!
Weeee ohhh...
Nikki is so impatient :)
And yeah! I'm gonna try and get more updates in this weekend...
Which is almost over?!
Haha, bye now o_o
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Bob... asshole Bob o_o
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